“Can you please give tips on how to deal with a defiant child? I’m at the end of my dang rope.”
I do not know how old your child is or in what ways he is defiant but here is some information that hopefully you will find helpful.
If your child is a toddler, it is normal (and even good) for your toddler to be saying ‘no’ to everything. Your child is saying ‘no’ to everything because he is becoming his own person, with his own opinions and thoughts. He is learning that he is not an extension of you. Your toddler has found out that he has a will, and he is using it.
These are some tips that may help you:
Here are some tips you may find useful:
- Offer him some choices: in the same way that they say ‘no’ to us, we also say ‘no’ to our toddlers all the time. So, when possible and within reason: let them choose (e.g., “Do you want a banana or an apple?”; “Do you want the red or the blue pyjamas?”). This strategy can save you a few ‘nos’.
- I know it is difficult, but try not to give him a big reaction when he says ‘no’.
- Let him help you: toddlers usually love to help their parents. Let him help at the supermarket, cleaning or cooking (and yes, you will need patience to do this as well).
- Try to distract him and to make him laugh when he says ‘no’. This usually works really well and saves you from having another power struggle.
- Keep a consistent routine and structure. Knowing what is coming next and ‘where they stand’ usually helps kids.
- Remember that this phase will finish. It won’t last forever!
Sometimes, this phase is saying ‘no’ gets more complicated and children develop Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), a type of disruptive behaviour disorder that involves difficulties managing emotions and behaviours. Symptoms begin before the age of 8 and almost always before the early teen years.
Because all children are challenging at time, it is sometimes difficult to recognize the difference between a strong-willed child and one with ODD. Children with ODD are very often angry, irritable, and defiant towards parents and other authority figures. They often show a behaviour called vindictiveness, which includes being spiteful and seeking revengeful. For some children, symptoms may happen only at home but with time, they may also appear in other settings, such as school or with friends. Children with ODD tend to have problems with relationships, school, and peers.
If you are worried your child may have ODD, seek help from a child psychologist or child psychiatrist with expertise in this area. Treatment usually involves: Parent management training (PMT), talk therapy, and school-based interventions.
I hope you find this information useful. If you want to have a session with me to discuss it further, do get in touch with me.
In these articles you will find more information that may be useful:
I Think I have a Defiant 3-Year-Old
Why my Toddler Says No to Everything?
What Is Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder?
I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Which parenting style rewards children for following the rules?“
Authoritative parenting is the parenting style that is more likely to reward children for following the rules. Authoritative parenting is considered the gold standard of parenting. Authoritative parents are warm, caring, and establish clear limits for their children. Children understand those limits and rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings but ultimately, they are the ones who make the decisions.
There are hundreds of studies showing that children whose parents are authoritative, tend to do better in life. These children tend to be well adjusted, get on well with their peers and friends, do well in school and have high self-esteem. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines
The issue of rewarding children for good behaviour is somewhat controversial. Some people say that rewarding them is not a good idea because it promotes extrinsic and not intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is doing an activity because of the satisfaction it brings you, rather than for an external reward. For example, reading a book because you are interested in its story, or learning to ride a bike because of the sense of achievement.
In contrast, extrinsic motivation is pursuing an activity for an external reward, such as a material item or someone’s praise. For example, sharing with friends in exchange for more screen time or sweets. Ideally, we want our children to be intrinsically motivated.
A good way to reward children for good behaviour is using praise. As parents very often, we ignore good behaviour and we only focus on negative behavior. Children love their parents to be happy with them, so the more you let them know that you like what they are doing, the more likely they are to repeat it. When you praise them, be specific. Rather than saying: “You are such a good boy”, say “Look how well you are sharing with your sister, well done!”. This way they know exactly what they are doing right and are more likely to repeat it.
So, praise your child when they do things right. Try to be an authoritative parent as often as you can.
Here are some other articles that you may find useful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Reward System for Children: How Do They Work?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your family all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“When do child tantrums stop? My 3 year old meltdowns over everything, and I’m nearly ripping my hair out about it, it’s literally so, so frequent every day”
Tantrums usually peak between ages 1 and 4, especially around age 2-3. Most children have fewer and milder tantrums by around age 4 or 5, as their emotional regulation, language, and impulse control improve. However, some children still have occasional tantrums up to age 6 or 7, especially when they are overwhelmed, hungry, or tired.
Some children have a lot of tantrums while others barely have any. This depends a lot on their temperament and to some extent on how you handle the tantrums.
Here are some tips that may help you:
- Do not give in: if every time your child throws a tantrum, you give what he wants, he will repeat the behaviour. Stay calm and wait for the tantrum to end.
- Keep a consistent routine: children feel more in control when they know their limits and what is coming next.
- Be proactive: try to avoid getting in situations where he may throw a tantrum. For example, don’t take him to run errands just before his nap time or when he is hungry. Or distract him, whenever you see that he is getting cranky.
- Don’t take it personally: your child throws tantrums because it is the only way he knows how to manage his emotions and to express himself. He is not doing it to annoy you. I know it is difficult to keep calm, especially if he is throwing them so often, but keep in mind that he will stop throwing tantrums. This phase will not last forever.
Here are a few articles that may help you:
How to Discipline a 3 Year-Old
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: a Guide for Parents
Love,
Ana
“Do you have any tips on parenting with depression? My son’s 6 now, so it’s not PPD, and I haven’t had mental health issues before. But I’m struggling with the term “depressed mom” being thrown around and would like to know how be a good mom when depressed.”
I am sorry to hear you are going through a depression. I would strongly urge you to get treatment. There are a lot of interventions that work for mothers with depression. They usually include therapy and medication. Joining a support group may also help you. Getting treatment will help you and it will also help your son. At REC Parenting we have qualified therapists specialized in treating parents with depression, get in touch with me if you want to explore this option.
Here are other things that may help you during this time:
- Keep a daily routine: having a routine (e.g., having the same breakfast every day, going to bed at the same time every day…) gives structure and reduces decision fatigue.
- Lower the bar: your home does not need to be perfect. You are not failing if your house is not picture perfect.
- Stay social: you may not feel like seeing friends or family but it is important for you and for your son to keep seeing people. Remember that we are inherently social animals and interacting with others is a source of happiness.
- Get outside: there is a lot of research showing how nature is good for our mental health. Try to spend time outdoors every single day. Sit in sunlight or open a window for fresh air.
- Exercise everyday: you do not have to do high intensity training if you do not feel like it but simply going for a walk, will help you.
- Eat a healthy diet.
- Help others: there is plenty of research showing that helping others, make us feel better.
- Get help from others: If you have a friends or family around you, it is a good idea to tell them about what you are going through and ask them to help with your son on days that you are feeling particularly low.
- Have a chat with your son about what you are going through, so he understands it. Children sense when something is off. An explanation will help him to feel safe and in control. You could share that you are not feeling well, and that you have a condition that makes you feel tired and sad. Tell him that this is not his fault and that it is just how your brain is working right now.
Here a few articles that you may find useful:
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
You are already doing more than you realize. Being here, asking for help even when you are struggling, shows real strength and love for your child. Remember that we are here to help with our qualified therapists, just get in touch with me and we will find you support straight away.
Love,
Ana
“When it comes to types of discipline, what kind of discipline do you recommend? Don’t want to use physical punishments but I’m also wary of telling my kid off, in case it’s psychologically damaging”
It is completely normal to feel unsure about how to discipline your child, especially if you are trying to find a way that feels loving but still firm. The best approach is called inductive discipline.
Inductive discipline focuses on helping your child understand why a behaviour is wrong. This approach encourages thoughtful conversations, instead of punishing or saying “Because I say so”. So, every time your child misbehaves, you tell him why what he did is wrong and how he should behave next time. If you do this every time he misbehaves, over time your child will develop a strong inner moral compass. He will behave well not because he fears the consequences, but because he truly understands why what he did was wrong. Telling him off in a constructive way will not damage your child, on the contrary, your child needs you to set clear limits and boundaries. Our children need us to be their guides, they need us to say ‘no’, they need us to set limits. Setting limits for our children is a way of loving them. Telling them off in a constructive way is a way of setting limits and is a way of loving them.
You are absolutely right not wanting to use physical punishment. Physical punishment is never good for children. It does not teach them anything and it is negative for their mental health and their development.
I am leaving you here some articles that you will find useful and let me know if you want one-to-one support to discuss this further.
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-By-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at Their Kids?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What do you think about positive consequences for children as a tactic? I know discipline is important, but I’m also praising my daughter (she’s two) when she does something good unprompted. Is that okay? I kind of feel like I’m using my experience in dog training on my kid and I don’t want to mess up lol”
Praise is an excellent way to teach our children what is right and what is wrong. Very often, as parents, we focus on the things they do wrong (e.g., “Don’t touch that!”; “Stop doing that!”) but we ignore them when they behave well. Praising them is a great method to teach them right and wrong. It is better to use praise in a very specific way, so they know what behaviours they should repeat. So, instead of saying “You are a such a good girl”, tell her “Well done for tidying up so nicely”.
When we praise our children, we are disciplining them. Very often, we think that discipline is about punishment, but it is much more than that. The aim of discipline is to teach our children what is wrong and what is right. So, praise is an element of discipline.
So, keep praising your daughter when she behaves well. It is definitely a good idea!
You can also find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-By-Age Guide
How to Discipline a 3 Year-Old?
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at Their Kids?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I need some psychologist-approved ways to discipline a child without physical harm. I’ve been having the same argument with my father over my son’s discipline for years, because he doesn’t know how to discipline a child without yelling or hitting and sometimes punishes my son like that. He doesn’t believe me when I cite internet articles, even from good sources, and says to get a doctor’s opinion and maybe he’ll consider it. So, do you have any suggestions please? Thank you!”
Let’s see if we can convince your father!
There are very few things that we can say that are always bad for children: physical punishment is one. There are hundreds of studies examining the effects of physical punishment on children, not one of them says that it is good for them. Most studies find that physical punishment is bad, a few have found that it is not bad, but none have found that it is good. So, why use physical punishment, if we know that it is at best ineffective and at worst, bad? Physical punishment is linked with children being more aggressive, having more mental health problems, and behaving worse. And when we talk about physical punishment, we include smacking. Yes, smacking is bad for children. And the more we smack our children, the worse the consequences for them.
Yelling is not ideal either, but research on this topic is more nuanced. There is no evidence showing that the occasional yelling that happens in most families (e.g., “Put your shoes on now!!”) harms children. With this, I am not saying that it is great to yell at our kids, but that if we occasionally yell, we are not ruining our kids. However, if yelling is a constant in your family, it is a good idea to seek support, because it is probably creating stress for the whole family. It is also a good idea to seek support if rather than yelling, what is happening is verbal abuse (e.g., “You are worthless!”; “You can’t do anything right!”). Verbal abuse is always bad for children.
Many parents and grandparents use physical punishment because there do not know other ways to discipline their children. In this article we give you ideas to discipline your child using other techniques.
These articles may also help to convince your father:
Is Smacking your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
Authoritarian Parenting: What Is It About?
I hope this information will convince your father. Do let me know if there is anything else you need. I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Could you please recommend effective consequences for 8-year-olds who act out?“
Here are a few recommendations that you will find useful with your 8 year-old:
- Use connected consequences. The purpose of punishments is to change a behaviour. This is why it does not make much sense, that for example, when your child does not put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, you punish him without Play Station for a week. Instead set a connected consequence and tell him that if he fails to bring his clothes to the laundry basket, he will do the laundry for a week. This way you are using the punishment to change his behaviour.
- Use natural consequences. They are similar to connected consequences but they happen ‘on their own’. So, to continue with the same example, you tell your child that clothes that are not in the laundry basket will not be washed. The first time he has no clean clothes to wear, he will likely change his behaviour.
- Use praise. Sometimes as parents we focus on our children’s bad behaviour and ignore good behaviour. Praise your child’s behaviour when he is “good” (e.g., “Well done for tidying up so nicely”).
- Explain, explain, and explain. The aim of discipline is that children understand why their behaviour was wrong. So, always explain it and then set up appropriate consequences.
- Be consistent. It is really important that whatever rules you have, you always abide by them. For example, if the rule is that there are no screens until homework is done, that rule must be followed every day. Children need predictability and stability. They behave better when they know what to expect.
- Do not threaten him with punishments you cannot follow (e.g., “You are not watching TV for a year”). When we make these threats, your child knows perfectly well that you won’t carry them and so he won’t change his behaviour.
- Do not use physical punishment. There are only a few things that we can say that are always bad for children: physical punishment is one of them.
You may find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
I hope this information helps. If you want to have a one-to-one session to discuss this issue, do not hesitate to contact me. I wish you and your family all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“Why is my 3 year old so angry and aggressive? I did just get divorced from her mother, but I feel like this is very out of the ordinary for little girls.”
It is not uncommon for toddlers (or children of any age) to change their behaviour when they go through a big change in their life, such as their parents’ divorce. Your 3-year-old may be finding it difficult and because she lacks the ability to verbally express her feelings, she might be expressing them through her aggressiveness.
Whenever she behaves in an aggressive way, gently tell her: “No, you cannot hit/scream/bite”. Tell her every time she behaves that way and with time she will likely change her behaviour. It is really important to be consistent and always tell her this when she behaves in an aggressive manner. Ideally your ex-partner should use this same technique.
It is also likely that as your toddler gets better at speaking, she will no longer have the need to behave aggressively. Sometimes, toddlers behave aggressively because they get frustrated when they cannot convey their feelings and thoughts to us.
Finally, consider that children learn mostly by observing how their parents behave. So, it is important that you and your ex-partner do not behave in an aggressive or angry way. Try to be a good role model for her.
I hope this information is useful and wish you all the very best. If you need some support through the divorce, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
You may also find these articles useful:
Should We Divorce or Stay Together for the Kids?
How to Explain Divorce to a Child?
Fostering Emotional Competence in Children: A Guide for Parents
Tips on Toddler Aggression: When to Worry?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your family all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“What do you think about homeschooling kids? Is it safe/can they still learn well enough outside of normal school settings?”
Homeschooling is an increasingly popular option for families. In general, research shows that homeschooled children do as well (or even better) than school-educated children on measures of academic achievement, social, emotional, and psychological development. However, we cannot assume that children do well because they are homeschooled. The reason why homeschooled children do well might be that their families are very involved, that they have more resources, more time to be with them… There are a variety of reasons explaining why they do well, other than the fact that they are homeschooled.
If you are thinking about homeschooling your child, you should consider whether it is the right option for your child and for you. Typically, parents choose to homeschool their children when they are struggling in a traditional setting, when they want to give them a different education experience, or when traditional schooling does not fit their own lifestyle.
If you are considering homeschooling, take some time to learn what is involved. Consider issues such as:
- Does your child want to be homeschooled?
- Are you up for it? Homeschooling your child is a massive responsibility. You become not ony the parent, but a teacher, a headteacher, an administrator… You must prepare, plan, organie, and keep your child’s session plans, tests, and projects.
- Are you up to being with your child all day long everyday?
- Can your afford/are you OK not being able to work outside the home or cutting down your hours significantly?
- Are you willing to facilitate your child’s social life? Your child will need to socialize with other children and to achieve that you will need to get him involved in extracurricular activities, what takes some extra effort from your part.
In sum, homeschooling is not better or worse for children than attending school, it depends on your child and your family’s characteristics.
You may find these articles useful:
Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA): Everything You Need to Know
My Daughter Has No Interest in School
Why Is my Son Failing School and How Can I Help?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Tips for helping to relieve severe separation anxiety disorder in teens? My tweens are both suffering from this but I don’t know how to assist or help them manage it or how to fix it. Thank you!
Teenagers living with separation anxiety show signs of fear when they have to say goodbye to their parents or caregivers or just the thought of being separated from them. This anxiety can make them miss school, work, and other activities that require being away from their parents or caregivers.
Here are some steps you should consider:
- Seek help from a mental health professional, experienced in this field. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is usually an effective form of therapy to treat it. If symptoms are severe, medication may be recommended (see more information below).
- If they are receiving support from a mental health professional, follow the treatment plan
- Get to know the condition: when you understand what separation anxiety disorder is and how it works, you are better equipped to support your kids
- Get to know your children: even if they both experience this disorder, they both have different symptoms and ways to deal with it.
- If they attend school, liaise with their teachers so they can support them from their end, and you are all on the same page.
- Label and discuss their emotions and behaviours
- Respect their feelings even if they make no sense to you
- Establish a consistent routine to provide them security and stability
- Show calm support
- Practice saying goodbye
You may find these articles useful:
What Are Your Thoughts on Anxiety Medication for Teens?
How to Help Children with their Anxiety?
How to Help a Child with Anxiety?
I hope this information helps. I wish you teenager all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“Can you have separation anxiety disorder in adolescence? My 15-year-old is acting very strange and clingy all of a sudden”
If your teenager is acting ‘strange’ it may mean that there is something going on with him. I think that it is definitely a good idea to have a chat with him to see what is going on. Tell him that if he does not want to talk to you, he could talk to another trusted adult in his life or perhaps he would agree to talk to a therapist. If he goes to school, have a chat with his teachers to see if there is anything going on at school that you may not know about.
You mention separation anxiety disorder and yes, adolescents can have it. Teenagers living with separation anxiety show signs of fear when they have to say goodbye to their parents or caregivers or just the thought of being separated from them. This anxiety can make them miss school or activities that require being away from their parents or caregivers.
I would urge you to talk to your teenager. If you are worried about him, do take him to a mental health professional.
You may find these articles useful:
What Are Your Thoughts on Anxiety Medication for Teens?
How to Help Children with their Anxiety?
How to Help a Child with Anxiety?
This masterclass may also be useful:
How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenager
I hope this information helps. I wish you teenager all the very best,
Love,
Ana
How can I recognize and address alcohol misuse or abuse in teenagers, and what steps can I take to help prevent alcoholism or addiction during adolescence? I’m trying to support my daughter while she’s in rehab by taking care of her teens, but I want to keep an eye out for alcohol issues in them before they can get bad (she drank badly around them, maybe it rubbed off?).
Your grandkids are very lucky to have you. We are all worried about our teenagers drinking alcohol and it is normal that because of your daughter, you are even more worried. There is evidence suggesting that addiction runs in families. Children learn mostly by observing their parents and other adults in their life. I am not saying this to put blame or more pressure on your daughter, I am just saying this to make you aware of it. It is important that you model a good behaviour regarding alcohol to your grandkids. And talk about it with them, teenagers really value honesty, even if sometimes conversations are tough.
Here are a few tips you may find useful:
- Talk about alcohol with them: it is not about lecturing them but about asking their opinions, learning how they feel about their mum’s addiction, learning what they think and feel about alcohol…Teenagers who have a warm and open relationship with their caregivers are less likely to engage in risky behaviours, such as drinking alcohol
- Establish clear rules and consequences: set up family rules, discuss them with them, and explain the consequences if rules are broken. Always enforce the consequences.
- Set a good example
- Know their friends: if their friends drink alcohol, your grandkids will feel the pressure to drink. Help them to resist peer pressure. For example, you could role play their reactions if their friends pressure them to have a drink.
- Know what they are doing, who with, and where they go: it is not about controlling them but about knowing what is going on in their lives. It is about them noticing that you care about them from a non-judgemental place. This way they will feel that you care about them, you will be close with them, and you will be more likely to notice if something is not quite right with them.
- If you think any of your grandkids is drinking, act fast.
I urge to watch this masterclass with Dr Paula Corcoran. She provides excellent information about how to discuss about drugs with our teenagers: How to Talk about Drugs
I wish your daughter a speedy recovery and all the very best to your grandkids. And please, remember to take care of yourself. You have a lot on your plate! Do get in touch with me if you need more support or information.
Love,
Ana
“How long should you wait before you introduce new foods to a baby (he’s very picky)?”
There is no exact answer to your question. Some babies are pickier than others. A recent study showed that whether a child is fussy or not, is mostly down to genetics and not on parenting. This does not mean that there is nothing parents can do to improve their children’s eating behaviours but that it will be more difficult for them to do so. It also seems that the best time to influence our children’s eating behaviours is when they are toddlers.
Here are some ideas that tend to work with picky eaters:
- Offer new food repeatedly. You might need to offer some foods 5-15 times or more before your child chooses to eat them.
- Offer food in a relaxed way and let your child decide if and how much they want to eat. Pressuring them to eat certain foods may work in the short-term but may end up backfiring because they end up developing negative associations with the food.
- The best way for toddlers to eat and enjoy new foods is to copy you. Eat with them as often as you can and let them see you eat healthy and varied food.
- Sometimes parents worry when their children are very fussy and don’t seem to eat much. If your child seems well, is active and gaining weight, then it is very likely they are eating enough.
- Keep going back to the foods your child did not like before. Children’s tastes changes often. One day they hate eggs and a month later they love them.
- Praise them when they eat, even if little.
If you want more information about nutrition and mealtimes, we have two fantastic masterclasses with a great nutritionist:
Making Mealtime Enjoyable for your Family
Understanding and Identifying your Child’s Nutritional Needs
I hope this information helps! I wish you all the very best to you and your family.
Love,
Ana
“Can you please give three tips for parents when feeding toddlers that I can share with my daughter-in-law?“
Here are five tips for feeding toddlers that will hopefully be helpful:
- The best way for toddlers to eat and enjoy new foods is to copy you. Eat with them as often as you can and let them see you eat healthy and varied food.
- Give your toddler the same food as the rest of the family.
- Nowadays, many parents are choosing to let their children eat by themselves (baby led weaning; BLM) instead of the old fashioned way of parents feeding children pureed foods. Whatever method your daughter-in-law chooses is fine. There are no differences in terms of nutritional benefits between toddlers that are spoon-fed and those that are eat by themselves.
- Make mealtimes enjoyable. Chat and have a laugh.
- If your grandchild refuses any foods, try changing how you serve them. For example, a child might refuse cooked carrots but might eat raw ones.
If you want more information about nutrition and mealtimes, we have two fantastic masterclasses with a great nutritionist:
Making Mealtime Enjoyable for your Family
Understanding and Identifying your Child’s Nutritional Needs
I hope this information helps! I wish you all the very best to you and your family.
Love,
Ana
“Please can you advise on why my toddler says no to everything? My mother-in-law said it’s a “normal toddler no phase” but I’m getting so fed up!”
I am afraid that on this occasion your mother-in-law is right! It is totally normal (and even good) for your toddler to be saying ‘no’ to everything. Your child is saying ‘no’ to everything because he is becoming his own person, with his own opinions and thoughts. He is learning that he is not an extension of you. Your toddler has found out that he has a will, and he is using it.
Having said this, I understand your frustration. Here are some tips you may find useful:
- Offer him some choices: in the same way that they say ‘no’ to us, we also say ‘no’ to our toddlers all the time. So, when possible and within reason: let them choose (e.g., “Do you want a banana or an apple?”; “Do you want the red or the blue pyjamas?”). This strategy can save you a few ‘nos’.
- I know it is difficult, but try not to give him a big reaction when he says ‘no’.
- Let him help you: toddlers usually love to help their parents. Let him help at the supermarket, cleaning or cooking (and yes, you will need patience to do this as well).
- Try to distract him and to make him laugh when he says ‘no’. This usually works really well and saves you from having another power struggle.
- Remember that this phase will finish. It won’t last forever!
You may find these articles useful:
I Think I Have a Defiant 3-Year-Old
Tips on Toddler Aggression: When to Worry?
I hope this information helps. I wish your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“My 6-year-old is having a lot of accidents, even though she was doing well and had gotten though potty training with no problems. What can I do or what is causing this?“
Given that your child is 6, I would first consult with his doctor to rule out any health condition, like a bladder infection, constipation, painful bowel movements, diabetes, or any developmental issue.
If the doctor rules out anything physical, it could be that your child is going through a potty training regression. Regressions can happen for any number of reasons: starting a new school, the arrival of a new sibling, moving home, parental divorce… If your child is going through any of these situations, give him time to adjust to this change. If your child attends school, have a chat with his teacher to find out if there is something going on that may be upsetting him.
Tell your child that you have noticed he is having more accidents and ask him why this might be. Listen to what he has to say and do what you can to support him. Do not blame him, shame him, or punish him when he has an accident. Instead, be supportive and loving. Remind him regularly to use the loo.
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Our doctor mentioned toddler potty training regression when I told him about our potty trained toddler having accidents on purpose. What should I do if he does have regression?”
Potty training regression is normal. Consider that children’s learning is not linear. They sometimes get stuck or may even go backwards depending on other skills they may need or depending on what is going on in their life.
There could be very different reasons for your child to have more accidents: changes in his routine, illness, or an emotional event. The important thing is that you don’t shame him whenever he has an accident and that you remind him to ask for the potty when he needs to wee. Do not punish him when he has an accident. Give him praise when he is successful.
You mention that your toddler is having accidents in purpose. I am not sure what makes you think that he is doing it on purpose. Think that toddlers don’t usually have the mental ability to do things to annoy us. So, I very much doubt that he is having accidents on purpose. It is important that you are clear about this, otherwise potty training may become a power struggle between you and your toddler, and this is something that you should avoid.
You may find these articles useful:
How Many Potty Training Accidents Are Useful?
Tips for Potty Training a Girl
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Thoughts on a weighted blanket for kids? Will it smother? I want to help their anxiety.“
Weighted blankets have been used for a long time, especially for children with autism of behavioural issues. They may provide benefits for people with anxiety but the reality is that there is not much research about it. So, go ahead if you want to give it a go but it may or may not help your child. Ideally, you should look for one that is no more than 10% of your child’s body weight so it is not too heavy.
Please note that you should never use a weighted blanket for children under the age of 2.
I hope this information helps. Here are some articles related to anxiety that you may find useful:
How to Help Children with Anxiety?
How to Helo a Child with Anxiety
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
Love,
Ana
“I’m having trouble potty training with my baby girl. Do you have any tips that will help?”
You are not the only parent finding potty training difficult. Potty training is a tricky period for many families. So much so that it’s a time associated with increased child abuse.
It is also very important to remember that learning to use the potty is a skill. Some children find learning new skills easier than others. It does not mean anything whether your daughter is learning this new skill fast or whether it is taking her a bit longer. She will get there.
I don’t know how old your daughter is or what kind of problems you are having but here are a few tips you may find useful:
- Remember that you need to be patient, very, very, very patient. Waiting for your child to pee can take an excruciating long time. It can be as boring as watching paint dry.
- Establish a routine: sit your daughter on the potty when he wakes up, before naps and bedtime, and after meals.
- Give her tons of praise and encouragement. Make it fun. You don’t want it to become a power struggle.
- When she has accidents, do not shame her or tell her off. Tell her that it is totally OK and remind her to tell you when she needs the potty.
- Many children get used quickly to pee in the potty but find it way harder to poo in the potty. This can become a problem, because when they withhold the poo, they can become constipated and then they don’t want to poo because it is painful. If your daughter is in this situation, giving her a diaper to poop in the bathroom next to the potty may work.
- Staying dry at night usually takes much longer because it basically requires your body to wake you up when you need to pee. This ability develops sooner for some children than for others. In general, you should only worry if your child doesn’t master this ability by the age of 6.
You may find these articles useful:
How Many Potty Training Accidents Are Normal?
I hope this information helps. Keep going, she will get there!
Love,
Ana
“Quick question: how many potty training accidents are normal when you first start potty training? Other parents told me it was so easy, some say it took a year, and I don’t know what to expect (we’re just starting)”.
As you can see from what other parents have told you, each child is different. Some children learn to use the potty quickly, whereas others find it more difficult. It does not mean anything whether your child finds it difficult or easy.
Accidents happen, they are part of the learning process. Some children may have trouble recognizing when they need to wee, whereas others may have accidents because they get too excited about what they are doing and forget that they need to the potty.
There isn’t a “normal” number of accidents. Remember to be consistent, patient and to reassure your child whenever he has an accident. With time, your child will have stop having accidents.
Have a read at this article: Tips for Potty Training Boys
I hope this information is useful. I wish your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
My ex/baby daddy isn’t very involved with our infant daughter and keeps asking what to do with a newborn—any suggestions I can give him? I know she’s not play-aged yet but still.
Many men find it difficult to bond with a newborn. Here is a list of things that he can do with the baby:
- Take her out for a walk
- Read her a book: it is never too early to start reading to our children.
- Give her a bath: most babies enjoy bath time, and it can be a lovely time for them to be together
- Feed her: I am not sure how you are feeding her but if she takes bottles, he might enjoy it.
You may also find these articles useful:
Lullaby Songs and Why They Work
I wish you three all the very best and I hope you find these ideas useful.
Love,
Ana
“How do I stop my baby hitting me in the face? It usually happens when putting him down for bed and he cracks up afterward. So frustrating.”
I understand your frustration. The best thing you can do is not to give him a big reaction. Instead, every time he hits you, very calmly, take his hand, place it down on the bed or give him a teddy, and tell him in a neutral but firm voice say: “No, you don’t hit mummy”. Do this every time he hits you, and eventually he will stop.
Don’t give him a big reaction because even if the reaction is negative, you are reinforcing the behaviour. Behaviours that are reinforced will be repeated.
I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Can you have depression without being sad? My son keeps saying he’s depressed but doesn’t act sad. He’s 16 so maybe it’s more of a trend than anything“.
Teenagers get depressed. It is not a trend. Your son could be depressed without acting sad. Depression looks different for everyone. Some people feel empty or worthless rather than sad.
Depression symptoms are usually sadness or a low mood that does not go away, being irritable or grumpy all the time, feeling tired a lot of the time, and not being interested in things they used to enjoy. Teenagers going through depression also may have trouble sleeping or may sleep more than usual, they may have trouble concentrating, eat less than usual or eat more than usual, spend less time with their friends and family, have thoughts about suicide or self-harm, or actually self-harm.
It is important that you take your son seriously. Try to find out what is troubling him. If he does not want to talk to you, encourage him to talk to other people in her life. I also encourage you to get help early from your doctor or a mental health specialist with expertise in teen mood disorders. The longer it goes on, the more chances that it may become a long-term problem.
You may find these articles useful:
Is Teenage Depression a School-Age Fad?
What Are your Thoughts on Anxiety Medication for Teens?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your son all the very best.
Love,
Ana
