How Can I Support My Daughter Through Challenging Teen Years?

A parent is struggling with their 15-year-old daughter’s unkind behavior, lack of apology, and issues like vaping and self-harm. They’ve tried counseling and are seeking practical advice but feel overwhelmed and fearful.

I am very sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult situation. I would like first to focus on you. Understandably, you are finding it very difficult to cope with. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you have some counselling yourself and if your partner is up to it, you could do it together. A therapist will help you deal with your own emotions and thoughts, keep a strong co-parenting team, and they will work with you to create guidelines to manage your relationship with your daughter. 

It is really good that your daughter is seeing the school counsellor every week. It would be a good idea for the counsellor to keep you informed about the progress she is making. If perhaps, the feeling is that your daughter needs further support, the counsellor could talk with her, given that they seem to have established a rapport. If there are concerns about her being autistic, perhaps the counsellor could discuss it with her, so she gets screened. The important thing is that your daughter works through the emotions she is experiencing. Remember that very often, the self-harm is not the problem, the problem is that she is not able to deal with her emotions. Understanding why she is feeling the way she does, and then teaching her to regulate those emotions in a healthy is very important.  

I imagine that your daughter’s teachers know about what is going on at home. I would also encourage you to have regular meetings with her teacher, counsellor and your daughter to devise a plan to best support her. Ideally, you want to create a strong support system around her.  

Finally, I know that it is incredibly hard for us when our kids say things to hurt us. Try to remember that those hurtful words your daughter is using are not about you at all. Teenagers often say those kinds of things when they have feelings they don’t know how to cope with. Whenever she says something hurtful, try not to give her a strong reaction and remain firm in your position.  

I am very sorry that you are going through this and from here I send you love. At REC Parenting, we have wonderful therapists to support you through this situation. If you want, get in touch with me and we will start supporting you from day one.  

I wish you and your family all the very best,  

Ana