“Is touching yourself a sin in christian theology? single mom and my teen daughter is very open with her sexuality, but my mother says she’s going to go to hell for exploring herself”.
From a psychological point of view there is nothing wrong with exploring oneself. In fact, it is a healthy part of sexuality, and it is totally normal for teenagers to be curious about it. Whatever your religious beliefs are, it is important not to shame your daughter for touching herself. It is absolutely fine for her to do so.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Ana
“What do I do to have my partner help me more? My husband wouldn’t even watch the baby for a night while I visit my sick mother an hour away”
I am sorry you are feeling this way. Having a baby is tough and the fact that you are not feeling supported by your husband, makes it even harder and very lonely. I hear you.
It is very important that you talk to your husband about it to make him understand how you feel. Ideally, you want to have a constructive conversation with him and not to end up fighting. So, tell him ‘nicely’ how you feel. Do not accuse or blame him. Make him see the issue from your point of view and tell him that you feel hurt and not supported.
It is important that you work on the emotions you are feeling. It is absolutely fine for you to feel angry, upset, disappointed and everything in between. Acknowledge whatever you are feeling, so you avoid feeling resentful towards your husband. When resentment gets in a relationship, it can destroy it.
Process your feelings, but this does not mean letting him off the hook. If you cannot work on this on your own, couples therapy would work well for you both. If he does not want to do it, you can do it on your own. Do get in touch with me if you would like to explore this.
In therapy, you could work to achieve a fair division of labour in your marriage. In most heterosexual couples, it is still the woman who does most of the childcaring and the housework. This is the case even in couples where both members work outside the home and even when the woman makes more money than the man. This lack of equality is dangerous because it brings unhappiness to women, and when this happens, the marriage is likely to struggle. When the couple shares the load, the family does better.
You may also find these articles useful:
I Feel Like a Mom Slave: What Do I Do?
What Is a Fair Division of Labour in a Marriage?
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I read my 12 year old’s diary. The most recent entry was after a lovely day out to the beach when we all seemed perfectly happy, but it read “why do my parents hate me”. I’m so confused and saddened by this, what should I do?”
As you say, reading your daughter’s diary is never a good idea. In general, teenagers who believe their parents have invaded their privacy go on to have higher levels of conflict at home.
Always, remember that rather than snooping on our children or trying to control them, what we want to achieve is a good, loving and trusting relationship with them, so they confide in us. Having said this, teenagers will always keep parts of themselves to themselves, as we all do. You cannot expect your daughter to tell you everything that is going on in her life.
I understand that you feel bad about having read the diary. You should ask yourself why you read the diary. Were you just snooping? Or did you read it because you are worried about her? I think that whatever your reasons, you should keep in mind that even if you shouldn’t have read it, you did it from a place of love, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Understand your motives, forgive yourself, and work on processing those feelings of confusion and sadness you are experiencing.
You have two options: tell your daughter what you did or not tell her. I cannot tell you what to do. If you tell her, you need to apologize and you will have to face her anger. Telling her, may damage your relationship at least for a while. If you don’t tell her, you are lying to her by omission. She may feel that something is wrong between you two, even if you don’t say anything.
I hope this information helps. It may definitely be a good idea to discuss this issue and your feelings about it with a qualified therapist. Do get in touch with me if this is something you would like to do.
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
I need my daughter to put my grand son on a diet because fat kids get bullied. What do I say to convince her? She just gets mad everytime I bring it up
I think it is wonderful for your daughter and grandson to have an involved grandparent. It is not uncommon for disagreements to arise between grandparents and their adult children about how to raise their children.
It is fantastic that you worry about your grandson but at the end of the day, you must remember that your daughter is his mother, and therefore she is the one in charge. You have already told her your concerns. Now you need to respect her choices. Otherwise, you may end up damaging your relationship with her.
In terms of your grandson being fat, in my opinion, the main issue is not whether he will be bullied or not (although I understand your concern) but whether he is healthy or not. I don’t know how old he is, but I presume that he has medical checkups every so often? If the doctor thinks that your grandson is overweight, he will be the one recommending that he goes on a diet.
On top of this, it is always a good idea to talk to our children about bullying, why it is wrong and how to handle it.
I hope this information helps. I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Will letting my son play Roblox ruin our relationship?
Not at all! It is true that letting him play Roblox adds another stressor to your relationship, but it does not have to ruin it. And if you both enjoy playing Roblox together, it can even bring you closer.
The important thing is that you set up clear rules before he starts playing:
- When is he allowed to play?
- For how long can he play?
- What games can he play?
- Who can he play with?
- What are the consequences if he breaks the rules?
It is also important that before you let him play Roblox, that you consider your child’s age. Roblox has an ESRB-assigned rating of T for Teen, with a content descriptor for Diverse Content: Discretion Advised. This means that Roblox has content that may not be appropriate for all ages. In addition, games in Roblox are all labelled so parents know if the content is OK for their kids. Roblox automatically sets certain defaults, depending on your kid’s age at the time of registration. This is why it is really important that you state your child’s accurate birthday on registration. In addition, you can also block games, limit the amount of time your son can play and his ability to spend real money, and you can choose to access your son’s friends lists.
You may also find these articles useful:
Children, Mental Health, and Screens
On Netflix’s Adolescence: Is the Internet Raising Our Kids?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Any tips on how to build an intuitive chore chart that my kids actually want to interact with and not whine about?
Finding a chore chart that works for you and your family depends on your kids’ ages and personalities.
Here are some ideas:
- DIY chore jars: One jar is full of sticks stating the chores that need to be done. Th other jar is where chores that are done get place. Kids need to fill in the ‘jobs done’ jar.
- Digital: there are many digital chore charts available, like Sweepy, Joon App, or BusyKid.
Keep in mind that for chore chart to works, you need to:
- Make it a daily habit: chores need to become part of children’s routine
- Clearly state when chores need to be done
- Be a role model: make chores enjoyable by doing them while listening to music or a podcast, or having a chat
- Support your kids but don’t criticize them.
- Rotate the chores so everyone can have a go at doing different things.
I hope you find this information useful!
Lots of love to you and your family.
Love,
Ana
“What are your thoughts on teens having sex with teens? I want my daughter to wait until she is legal to drink before even thinking about having sex, but I’m worried that she’s just going to dive right in before she’s 21 and not tell me or be safe about it because she’s too young (she’s 17 now)”
There is not a ‘right’ age to have sex for the first time. I totally get that you want your daughter to wait but the truth is that your daughter will probably do whatever she wants to do.
I think that rather than trying to forbid her to have sex, you should discuss this topic with her, so she understands your concerns and the risks. Prepare her for it. And remember that it is not about having THE talk but about having little talks often.
It would be a good idea for you two to discuss:
- Sexual consent
- Contraception
- STIs (sexual transmitted infections) and STDs (sexual transmitted diseases)
- Love: sometimes when we talk about sex, conversations can feel quite ‘mechanical’. I think it is important that we talk about how sex is best when mixed with love and a romantic relationship
You may also find these article useful:
Discussing Teen Sex: Talking to Your Teen About Sex
My Teen Is Sexting: What Do I Do?
I wish you and your daughter all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I’m a SAHM and I’m starting to feel like a mom slave. What do I do? I just can’t bear my family and doing everything all of it anymore“
I am sorry you are feeling this way. It is very important that you address this situation because it is clearly not working for you.
Here are few ideas you may find useful:
- Does your partner know how you feel? Tell him. But tell him in a nice way. Not accusing or blaming him. Just tell him like you told me.
- Make a detailed list of every single thing you do around the house and for the kids. You need to include everything: cooking, shopping, cleaning, paying bills, getting ready the kids for school, meal preparation, laundry, doctor’s appointments, meetings with teachers, organizing playdates…. everything. Show it to him. Show him because as he has never been in your position, he does not know everything that you do. He will understand you better once he knows. It is not about throwing it to his face but about getting to him to understand how it is for you.
- Tell him that you need to feel that the division of labour between you two is not fair and that you need to re-organize things.
- I don’t know how old your children are, but even little kids can help around the house. If your kids are older, think about how much you do for them and whether there are things that they should be doing themselves. Discuss it with them and allocate tasks amongst members of the family.
- You are not alone feeling this way. I think most mother have been where you are at some point or another. This is something I see clearly in my work with mothers. I truly believe that you will benefit from working a bit on your feelings and thoughts. If you want to have a session with me to discuss it, please get in touch with me.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What is the definition of transgender in children? My granddaughter seems to think she’s a boy and is talking all about transgender but I think she’s just being raised as a tomboy.”
When a baby is born, he is assigned a sex based on his genitalia. So, if the baby has a penis and testicles, he is a boy and if he has a vagina, she is a girl. Sex is based on biology.
On the other hand, gender is socially constructed. Gender describes the roles, behaviours, expressions that a girl or a boy should have. For example, girls are meant to be gentle and sweet whereas boys are meant to be brave and strong. Ideas about gender may change over time and may be different across cultures.
A transgender child is one who feels that their gender identity does not match their sex. This feeling is consistent and persistent over time. For example, a girl who has always felt like a boy.
I am not sure how old your granddaughter is. In many cases, gender-variant behaviours or feelings disappear as children get older, often when they reach puberty. For others, these feelings continue and will go on to live in a gender different from their sex.
It is important to assess whether these feelings are causing distress in your granddaughter. If she is confused or upset about this, I would advise that she sees her doctor or a mental health professional.
And remember that the most important thing for our children is to feel loved and supported by the important adults in their life. So, tell her you love her and make her feel loved. I understand that maybe your granddaughter’s life is unfolding in a way that you did not expect but she needs to be loved and understood.
I hope this helps! If you want more support, please get in touch with me.
Love to you and your family,
Ana
I’m worried for my estranged stepson because his big brother is watching porn and tells him about it. Is this going to harm his development?
I understand that you are worried about this. Sadly, among boys the average age for the first porn viewing is 12 years old. This means that we need to be talking about it with our children from an early age.
We don’t exactly know what the consequences are for children to watch porn from such young ages but what it is clear is that we need to talk to them about sex, porn, and relationships in a way that will help them develop into healthy adults with healthy relationships.
In this case, your stepson is getting information about it from his big brother and most likely it is not the best information, so it is even more important that his parents discuss the topic with him. I don’t know how old your stepson is, but his parents could tell him to leave the room whenever his brother talks about porn and ask him not to do it.
I don’t know what the situation with the big brother is like, but it would be fantastic if his parents could ask him not discuss porn with his younger brother. He needs to understand that it is not appropriate, and that he is doing a disfavour to his little brother.
I hope this helps! If you want to more support, please get in touch with me.
Love to you and your family,
Ana
“I just caught my teen sexting. What do I do?”
Sexting is sharing sexually explicit images via digital devices. If it is any consolation, your teen is not the only doing it. According to a 2018 study, more than 1 in 4 teens says that they have received a sext and 1 in 7 say that they have sent one.
What to do if you have caught your teen sexting?
- Tell your teen that you understand his curiosity about sex and his need to experiment with it but that it is really important that he does it safely. And sexting is not safe because you never know where those images can end up. Even if they are sexting with their girlfriend or boyfriend and they totally trust them, we never know what may happen with those images if they go through a bad breakup. Also, phones may be stolen, and many apps have a way for a third party to screengrab.
- Advise them not to send any more sexts and to delete immediately any sext he receives.
- Ask him to tell you if someone is pressuring them to sext. If this is the case, he should take a screenshot of the requests or threats and report it to the police.
- It is important for him to understand that in many countries, it is illegal for under 18s to sext. It is considered child pornography even when it is done between two consenting teens. Some states in the U.S. have prosecuted teens for consensually sexting other teens and they have been placed on the sex offenders register.
- Do not judge your teen. Listen to what they have to say from a place of understanding and empathy.
- Do not freak out and try to stay calm.
- Keep the communication lines open about anything sex related. This is just not about discussing it once, we need to keep discussing sexting and any other sex-related topic. If you mess up any conversation, you can always revisit it the next day.
I know how uncomfortable discussing sex can be but it is really important that we talk about these issues. We want our children to have reliable information from people who love them, and that is us! I hope this information is helpful. Let me know how you get on!
Love,
Ana
“My daughter goes to a posh school and is pissed at me because I’m not getting her kids designer clothes like all the other parents. What do I do to explain it to her?”
I understand why you are finding this situation tricky. Your decision not to buy your daughter designer clothes may be down to finances but I imagine that it is also down to your values. If you firmly believe that teenagers should not have designer clothes, stick to your values. It is your daughter’s job to rebel against your decision, and it is your job to do what you think is best for her.
It is important that you raise your daughter according to your own values. And it is important that you transmit her those values and why you consider them important. Tell her. Explain to her that you don’t think it is good for teens to have designer clothes. Maybe you believe that wearing designer clothes do not make us better or worse. Or maybe it is that for you to be able to afford them, you would have to work longer hours, and you value the time you spend time together as a family. Or maybe it is that you believe that spending so much money in clothes is wrong. Whatever your reasons, explain them to her so she can understand. When your child understands your values, she is more likely to gravitate towards children who share the same values.
Or depending on your values, you could also her tell that you have nothing against her wearing designer clothes as long as she pays for them. You could tell her that if she wants them, she could find a job or use the money she may have saved to buy them.
This way she would learn the value of money.
It is important that the disagreement over this topic does not damage your relationship. So, be patient. Try to understand where she is coming from. I don’t think that your daughter is asking your for designer clothes because she is spoilt but because she wants to fit in with her peer group. Think that for children and especially teenagers, the most important thing is to fit in their peer group. This is why they all want to wear the same clothes, same hair style, they speak in a similar way, and they have similar interests. So, instead of thinking that your daughter is acting like a spoilt kid, think that she probably wants to fit in and not feel left out. Understanding where she is coming from, will help you be more patient. However, tell her that you are trying to understand her and that she should also try to understand where you are coming from.
I hope this helps! If you want to more support, please get in touch with me.
Love to you and your daughter,
Ana
“How to stop lying and stealing in little kids”
It can be worrying the first time your child lies to you. You can even feel betrayed. But the reality is that all children lie. Lie telling is a normal part of development. It is not a sign that your child lacks morals.
Children lie because we also lie, so we shouldn’t treat them as if they have done something horrible if they lie. The truth is we give our children very mixed messages about lying. We tell them not to lie but they see as lying: “I cannot make it to dinner because I am not feeling great” when they see you are perfectly well. Or we tell them to tell their grandma that they love her present even if they hate it.
Children lie for all the same reasons than adults lie. When they are little, they lie to avoid getting into trouble. As they grow, they also lie to appear cooler or smarter to fit in with their peers. They also give white lies to protect others.
What to do when you catch your child lying?
- Do not overreact. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Remain calm no matter what the lie is about.
- Asking children to tell you the truth is the best way for them to do so.
- It is important to understand why your child is lying. It is very different if your child is lying about not eating his lunch because another kid is taking it than if he is throwing it away. Try to get to the bottom of why he is lying.
What not to do when you get your child lying?
- Evidence shows that punishing them when they lie does not work if we want them not to lie again.
- When you catch your child lying, deal with it, don’t test them. So, if you walk in the room and there is nail polish all over the floor and your child is there, don’t ask her: “Did you spill it?” . Don’t ask them a question you already know the answer to. If you know they haven’t showered, don’t ask them: “Have you showered?”, instead ask them: “I notice you haven’t showered yet, what are your plans?”.
Stealing is a different story. Children don’t understand the concept of ownership until they are around two years old. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry advises that ages three to five is an important time for parents to teach children about honesty and property.
The best way to do it is by modelling good behaviour, because children mostly learn by observing what we do. So, if you don’t want them to steal don’t make jokes about the extra pint of milk that you didn’t pay for at the supermarket or the “free” stationary you brought home from work.
The same as with lying, it is important to understand why your child steals. Some children do it because they are bored and want to feel excited. Others do it because they cannot control themselves. Some do it because they don’t think anyone will mind them taking something not important, like a few cookies or a lollipop. Children may also steal to get attention from parents or peers or as a way of coping.
If you catch your child stealing:
- Do not overreact
- Understand why they did it
- Tell them stealing is wrong and take away whatever they stole (if possible)
- Set clear consequences: taking it back to the shop, apologizing to the person, doing chores…
- Monitor their behaviour
- Seek professional support if the stealing persists
I hope this information is useful. If you want to more support, please get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
“Tips for potty training boys please”
Potty training is a tricky period for many families. So much so that it’s a time associated with increased child abuse. It is very important to be mindful of this while potty training your child. In fact, we talk a lot about when to do it based on children’s needs, but we should also take into consideration to do it at a time when we are not feeling particularly stressed.
There are different training methods, and there is not a best method. This means that different methods work for different families and children. The important thing is to find the one that works for you.
In general, there are two methods:
- Parent-led: you decide when to start potty training your child. You take the diapers away and you start to sit him on the potty often and regularly. With luck, within a few days, he will learn to use it.
- Child-led: you wait for your child to show signs that he is ready, and you encourage them to use the potty when you see that he needs to pee.
Some useful tips:
- Get ready to be patient, very, very, very patient. Waiting for your child to pee can take an excruciating long time. It can be as boring as watching paint dry.
- Establish a routine: sit your son on the potty when he wakes up, before naps and bedtime, and after meals.
- Give him tons of praise and encouragement. Make it fun. You don’t want it to become a power struggle.
- When he has accidents, do not shame him or tell him off. Tell him that it is totally OK and remind him to tell you when he needs the potty.
- Many children get used quickly to pee in the potty but find it way harder to poo in the potty. This can become a problem, because when they withhold the poo, they can become constipated and then they don’t want to poo because it is painful. If your son is in this situation, giving him a diaper to poop in the bathroom next to the potty may work.
- Staying dry at night usually takes much longer. Staying dry at night basically requires your body to wake you up when you need to pee. This ability develops sooner for some children than for others. In general, you should only worry if your child doesn’t master this ability by the age of 6.
It is a good idea to potty train your son during the holidays, so you have time to do it without the stress of him having to go back to nursery or school before he has mastered the potty. Also, don’t do it when he is going through a change, like a divorce, moving homes, or starting school.
I hope this information helps! Good luck with it and arm yourself with a lot of patience!
Lots of love to you and your little one.
Ana
“What is a fair division of labor in a marriage? pregnant with my first and don’t want to have our marriage break over how much work is about to come into it.”
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it is going well, and you are feeling strong.
This is a great question, and you are right to be concerned about it because your relationship will change once the baby arrives.
I don’t want to scare you, but research shows that the first year of your baby’s life is usually tough for the couple. There are two main reasons that explain why having a kid makes your marriage less happy. One, is lack of sex. New parents have less sex, and this can be a problem because sex makes us happy.
The second reason is the one you mention: fair division of labour. It is still the case, that in most heterosexual couples, it is the woman who does most of the childcaring and the housework. This is the case even in couples where both members work outside the home and even when the woman makes more money than the man. This lack of equality is dangerous because it brings unhappiness to women, and when this happens, the marriage is likely to struggle. When both parents share the load, the family does better.
So, it is very important that you divide the labour or the mental load, as it is usually called, in a way that you both think is fair. Because you also need to think that the mental load, the amount of things that you will need to do, gets way bigger once the baby is here.
How to plan a fair division of labour? This is what I recommend to my clients:
- Separately you both write everything that you do around the house. Identify all tasks, describe all steps there is to it (conceptualization, planning, and execution), how often you do them, how long they take, and how much you enjoy doing them. (e.g., grocery shopping: writing the list, going online, making sure the delivery slot works, and unpacking it once it is delivered. It takes me 40 minutes, I do it weekly and I enjoy moderately).
- Together discuss it and decide if so far you think the division of labour is fair.
- Make a list of all the things you need to start doing when the baby arrives (e.g., buying nappies, feeds, going for walks, doctor appointments, laundry, bath time, night feeds, sterilizing bottles….). Discuss how you are going to divide everything in a way that you both think is fair. Once the baby is here, you will probably need to adjust this list because there are things that you will have missed.
- See how it goes. At the end of every week, assess how things are going and if you need to change anything.
I know this may sounds obvious but do not stop talking to your husband. Don’t assume that he knows how you feel. Tell him how you feel, what is working and not working for you. The better you communicate, the more likely your marriage will be OK.
I would also like to tell you that you will have disagreements while raising your child (e.g., “You are being too lax”, “I don’t think it is right that you let him watch so much TV.”). This is totally normal, because we all have different opinions and values about how to raise our children. However much you disagree, always remember that you both want what is best for your child, even if that best sometimes looks different.
Do not underestimate how much your life will change once the baby arrives. If you need support at any point, do get in touch with me. I wish you and your baby all the very best in this beautiful journey you are about to embark.
These articles may be useful:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
How to Deal with Unsolicited Parenting Advice
All my love,
Ana
“My adult daughter used to be estranged but now we’ve worked to low contact. But she didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day at all this year, even though we are talking again and I can’t believe she would disrespect me like that when she’s come so far recently”
I am glad to hear that you and your daughter are working on your relationship and that it is getting better. I understand that you find upsetting her forgetting Mother’s Day but perhaps she was not trying to disrespect you, perhaps she is not ready yet to celebrate Mother’s Day. Or could it simply be that she forgot it was Mother’s Day? Don’t just assume her motives. Sometimes we get into the habit of imagining other people’s thoughts and feelings, but we never check with them if what we are imagining is the reality. Try to be optimistic about her intentions and feelings. You have the power to choose how you think.
Very often, when we have problems with someone, we want to understand the why. “Why did my daughter not acknowledge Mother’s Day?; “Why did she do this or that?”. This is something that we all do because we need explanations, we crave a narrative to make sense of what is going on. But asking yourself ‘why’ is not that useful. Instead ask yourself ‘how?’. “How does the relationship with your daughter make you feel?”, “How can you make it better?”, “How do you argue with her? Is it constructive?’. At the end of the day, try to focus on the things you can control: your own emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
You have two options here. You can choose not to say anything to her and work through your emotions so this pain you are feeling does not damage the work you both are doing. Or you could tell her that it was painful for you not to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. If you tell her, do it in a kind and respectful way. Do not attack her. Try to understand her point of view and listen to what she has to say.
If you would like the support of our mental health professionals to work through this difficult situation, get in touch with me. We are here to help.
I wish you all the very best and I do hope you manage to have a relationship that works for you both.
Lots of love,
Ana
“What is gratification disorder because I think my nephew might have something like that”
Gratification disorder is also known as infantile masturbation.
It is common in children between the ages of 3 months and 3 years. It is believed the around 90% of boys and 50% of girls engage in this behaviour. The condition is called a ‘disorder’ but in reality, it is a normal behaviour in young children and disappears with age.
Children with gratification disorder have episodes where they rub and stroke their genitals against a hard surface. They appear flushed and may sweat a lot. They may make sounds like grunting, and they may zone out. They have jerky spams, do repetitive pelvic movements, and rub their thighs together. They can happen anywhere: in highchairs, car seats, their cot, or on the floor. These episodes tend to appear a few times a day and last for a few minutes. They finish when the child is distracted.
One problem is that because the child does not directly touch their genitals, it is not always clear that they are engaging in masturbation and sometimes parents and professionals confuse it with epileptic seizures. The difference is that a child engaging in masturbatory behaviour will stop when he is distracted, whereas an epileptic seizure will not.
If your nephew is engaging in this behaviour, it is a good idea to record a few episodes and take them to his doctor, so he can evaluate it. In general, parents and caregivers are advised to ignore the behaviour or to distract the child. In some cases, children may have issues controlling their impulses and developing their executive function skills and therefore, behavioural therapy and/or medication may be considered.
I hope this information helps! Good luck to you and your nephew.
Lots of love,
Ana
“What is disruptive mood dysregulation disorder? My paediatrician mentioned it but also said it’s mostly a myth and my son should grow out of it with time.”
Disruptive mood dysregulation behaviour (DMDD) is a childhood condition. For your child to be diagnosed with it, the following symptoms must be present:
- At least three severe temper outbursts per week that are out of proportion with the situation.
- Irritable or angry mood most of the day, nearly every day.
- These symptoms may be present for at least 12 months, with no more than three consecutive months without them.
- It occurs in children aged 6-18 and usually develops before the age of 10.
- Outbursts and temper tantrums must happen across different contexts (e.g., school, home, extracurricular activities…).
DMDD is somewhat controversial because it is quite a new condition. It was included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013. Some people say that it is not real because we have limited data about it.
DMSS is a condition that only occurs in childhood. It is estimated that it affects 2% to 5% of children in the U.S. DMDD often occurs with other disorders, such as depression and frequently oppositional defiant disorder. Having DMDD increases the chances of developing anxiety of depression as adults.
There are no lab tests for DMDD, so a doctor must use their expertise to diagnose it. The doctor usually makes a detailed account of the child, observing and chatting with the child, talking with their parents and teachers, and examining his family medical history.
A child with DMDD is usually treated with talk therapy and/or medication. Parents also usually receive training to learn how to interact with their child in ways that reduce aggression and improve their relationship with their child.
I don’t know how old your son is or the context in which your doctor made that comment. But I recommend you talk to a mental health professional if you are worried about your son.
I hope this information helps and wish you all the best to you and your boy.
Lots of love,
Ana
“Thoughts on taking kids to a nude beach or a teenager on a nude beach? We live in California if that makes a difference”.
This decision depends entirely on your values. Some families are very open about nudity and the parents walk naked in front of their kids, while for other families, nudity is a no-no.
If going to a nude beach is something you enjoy and would like to do as a family, then go for it. However, given that your children are not little, I would tell them your plan and ask them if they want to go. Tell them that you are thinking of taking them to a nude beach, explain what they will find there, and ask them for their thoughts. If they don’t want to go, I would probably look for another beach, unless it is really important for you that they give it a go. If you end up going, explain the guidelines of nude beaches to them. Explain about the importance of respecting boundaries and privacy. Make sure your children are comfortable with the idea and discuss any concerns they may have.
I wish you and your children all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I think we’re going through a 4 month sleep regression. What do we do? Really battling with parenthood atm.”
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. If it is any consolation, you are not the only one struggling with sleep. Sleep is probably the topic that I get most questions about when I deliver corporate talks and in my 1-2-1 sessions with parents.
The truth is that we are all prepared for our newborn to wake up constantly but by month 4, we expect the baby to sleep for at least a few hours in a row, right?? I am afraid this is not the case.
It is normal for babies to wake up through the night. How many times is normal? There is research showing that 3 months old babies wake up 3 times, at 6 months they wake up 3.5 times, at 9 months 4.7 times, and at 12 months they wake 2.6 times. Adults also wake up several times a night, but the difference is that we usually manage to go back to sleep on our own, whereas your baby needs you to help him.
You mention that your baby is sleeping worse than before, and again this is very common. Babies’ sleep patterns usually change anytime between three and six months because their circadian rhythm starts maturing. So, most likely what is happening is that your baby is moving out of their newborn sleep cycle and starting to develop their own unique cycle. If it is any consolation, think of it as a progression rather than as a regression.
Things you can do:
- During the day, the baby should not sleep in the dark and the level of noise should be the ‘normal’ at your household.
- During the night, keep stimulation to a minimum. Try to limit household noise at bedtime. If you live in a noisy environment keep the windows closed and consider using noise-blocking curtains.
- Have a bedtime routine to mark the difference between day and night. This routine should be the same every day. An effective routine could look like: Having a bath, perhaps with some soothing scents like lavender or chamomile, followed by a massage. The bath warms up the body so that the blood vessels near the surface of the skin dilate to help the body cool down, and this cooling helps your baby feel sleepy. After the bath, change your baby into a clean nappy and pyjamas, feed him, and sing a lullaby or read them a story. Try to put them in their cot when they are drowsy but still awake, kiss them and say goodnight, allowing them to fall asleep on their own. Make sure the bedroom is cool, dark, and quiet. Between 16 and 20 degrees Celsius is ideal, and too cool is better than too hot. Everyone has a slightly different temperature preference so you may need to make adjustments to find your baby’s ideal temperature. Feeling your baby’s chest or back when they are asleep should give you a good indication. They should feel warm but not clammy.
- Consider your routine: Most baby books tell you that the gold standard of sleep is 7 pm to 7 am but there is no evidence to support this idea. If you think that putting your baby to sleep a couple of hours later will suit your family’s needs better, do it.
- Think that the same that happens to us, some babies are better sleepers than others.
- If you have a partner, take turns to take care of the baby, so at least you get some uninterrupted sleep a few days a week. If this is not the case, maybe a family member or a good friend, would be willing to give you a hand. Remember to ask for help. Do not struggle in silence.
Two important issues that you should remember:
- If you are considering sleep training, remember that you shouldn’t do it before your baby is at least 6 months. His brain is not ready for it before this age.
- Beware of sleep ‘consultants’ or ‘experts’. The sleep field is totally unregulated in most countries. Anyone can call themselves a ‘sleep consultant’ and start working with families tomorrow. If you are considering hiring someone, check their credential, their expertise, and ask for references. We have our REC Parenting qualified sleep consultants if this is something you would like to explore.
I hope this information is useful. I know that even if I say that it is normal for babies to wake up, you are still going through a bloody tough time. I totally hear you, the endless nights, the constant crying and the sheer exhaustion you have, are horrendous. But I promise you that it will pass. All children will eventually sleep through the night. And remember that you are doing it the best you can. If you want some 1-2-1 support, please get in touch with me.
You may find these articles helpful:
4-Month Sleep Regression in Babies: Facts, Tips, and Tricks
The Cry It Out Method: What You Need to Know
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
All my love,
Ana
“What do you think about smoking while pregnant? I am finding it hard to stop”
Congratulations! I hope the pregnancy is going well.
Smoking when you are pregnant is bad for your baby, even if you don’t smoke a lot. What happens is that every time you smoke, your baby receives less oxygen, and less oxygen means less growth. This is why if you smoke your baby is more likely to be born with low weight and to be born premature. And to make it worse, the consequences of your smoking will still be present after the baby is born. Your baby will be at a higher risk of experiencing SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).
I am not telling you this to make you feel bad, but to make you aware that whereas with other ‘vices’ like caffeine it is not clear how bad they are for your baby, with smoking there is absolutely no doubt that it is bad.
The good news is that quitting during pregnancy mitigates these problems. Ideally, you would go cold turkey. I know you are finding it tough, and I can assure you that you are not the only one. Very often it takes people several attempts before they manage to quit.
These tips can help you to quit smoking:
- Pace yourself: Ideally, you should stop completely. If you can’t, try to smoke as little as possible. Think that every day you don’t smoke, your baby grows stronger and gets more oxygen.
- Consider nicotine replacement therapy (NRT): discuss with your doctor if this may be a good idea for you.
- Get everyone involved: it will be easier for you to quit if those around you also stop smoking. Remove any reminders of smoking from your home: ashtrays, lighters…
- Use distractions: try to change your routine. For example, if you usually smoke a cigarette in the morning in the kitchen with a coffee, try to go for a walk at that time. Or have your coffee somewhere else. Whenever you feel the need to smoke, have a glass of water or a cup of tea, chew some gum, take a walk, or ring a friend. If you tend to smoke when you are with friends, try to see them less often or meet them at a non-smoking place.
- Try an app: there are smoking cessation apps that can be effective. The important thing is that you go for one that is science-based. Have a look at: quitSTART App (developed by the CDC), NHS Quit Smoking App (developed by the NHS), or iCanQuit (developed by NIH).
- Get professional support: support from a mental health professional will help you to go through the quitting process. Get in touch with me if this is something you would like to explore.
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Will it mess my daughter up if I got her a baby ear piercing? Like is that a problem with consent?”
No, you won’t mess your baby if you pierce her ears and it is totally up to you (and your co-parent) whether to pierce her ears. The only important thing is that the piercing is performed with sterile equipment by a qualified professional and that you follow the instructions they will give you to prevent infections.
I hope this information helps! I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
The other day, a well-known Spanish momfluencer announced that she had become a grandmother. Her comments quickly filled up. Many of her followers were very happy and congratulated her. But a lot of her followers were surprised and even angry at her. Angry because she had kept this pregnancy a secret and only announced it when the baby had already been born. They felt cheated.
This really got me thinking about the relationship we establish with momfluencers we follow. It seems to us that we know them so much, but the reality is that we don’t know them at all. And we only see the bits of their life they want us to see. Even more interesting I find the fact that we come to believe that we have the right to know everything about them but the reality is that we have no right at all. How does the relationship we establish with them work? Does following momfluencers make us happy? Are the relationship we establish with them, fulfilling? How do the millions of followers of momfluencers, like Ruby Franke, react when they discover she was selling a lie?
Parasocial Relationships
The relationship we establish with the influencers we follow is called a parasocial relationship (1). Parasocial relationships are very different to the rest of our social relationships because it is one sided. We develop an emotional connection with the momfluencer but the influencer has no connection to us. We may feel that we know them, but we don’t.
Why Are We Drawn to Momfluencers ?
I am not sure, to be honest and there is not a lot of research on this. It may be that we are looking for role models and we find them in momfluencers. It may be that many of us feel lonely and we feel less so when we create connections with the momfluencers we choose to follow. It may be that we find the content they post valuable and informative. Or it may be that we like a peek into other people’s lives. Whatever the reasons are, we must be getting something out of it, otherwise we wouldn’t do it.
How Do We Decide Who to Follow?
Again, there is not a lot of research (2) about this. Who you decide to follow depends on your personal values, socioeconomic status, and your culture.
Sara Petersen, author of Momfluenced, believes that women follow momfluencers who are succeeding where they think they are failing. So, for example if you find motherhood tough you may gravitate towards the influencer that makes it look easy and fun. Or if you have a very messy house and you feel bad about it, you may follow the momfluencer that keeps an immaculate house.
Be Mindful of How They Affect You
In general, research shows that mothers feel worse after engaging with the content shared by momfluencers. Specifically, mothers report feeling more anxious and envious after engaging with this type of content. Why? Because momfluencers usually show an idealized motherhood with pristine houses, perfectly behaved children, beautifully folded laundry and home-baked bread.
It is important to note that most of the studies available are correlational and therefore we cannot know if mothers who feel worse to start with are the ones more drawn to this type of social media content or whether it is indeed that engaging with this type of content makes mothers feel bad. To solve this problem, Dr Ciera Kirkpatrick designed a study (3) in 2022 that could show causality. What did she find? She found that when moms were exposed to idealized portrayals of motherhood, their levels of anxiety and envy increased. And interestingly, it did not matter if these images came from influencers or from your next-door neighbour. Engaging with idealized motherhood content makes us feel bad. The reality is that even if from a rational perspective we know that this curated idea of motherhood that many women portray is not real, our brain is not prepared to register it. Watching those super curated images of motherhood make us feel bad.
I also want to touch here on the advice some of these women give. They are not parenting experts, most of them do not hold qualifications on developmental psychology, teaching, midwifery or paediatrics. So, I would urge you to take their advice on parenting and child development with a grain of salt. Take them as personal anecdotes but not as professional advice. To give you a few examples, I have seen some of these momfluencers saying that giving birth in a hospital will damage your attachment with your baby or that giving butter to your baby will help them sleep through the night. Some of the advice they give is simply not science-based, and some can even be dangerous.
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
Never Forget that It Is a Business
Momfluencers are women who have chosen to monetize their motherhood through a social media (4) account. There are many different types of momfluencers: beige, neurodivergent, gay, muslim, catholic, trad moms, disabled, mormons… What they all have in common is that they perform motherhood publicly, making money through affiliate links or sponsored content. The truth is that brands love momfluencers because women are the ones who follow them, and we control around 85% of household purchases. We are also the ones choosing big tickets, like the stroller or the cot. It is estimated that millennial moms (5) have $2.4 trillion to spend. Mothers are a big market for brands. The final goal of most momfluencers is to sell you something.
Momfluencers Are Shaping Motherhood
And while momfluencers post about their parenting journey and make some money while at it, they are also shaping motherhood. For example, the gentle parenting trend became massive because it went viral on Instagram. Similarly, other parenting trends like attachment parenting also went viral in social media. Whether intentionally or not, momfluencers are shaping the way we raise our children.
Finally…
If you are a mother and you are in social media, it is almost impossible that you will escape the momfluencers because the algorithm will keep pushing them on to you. There are two things that I would advise you to do:
- Always ask yourself: Does following this person make me feel better or worse? If the answer is worse: Unfollow. Does this content help me have a good relationship with my children? If the answer is no: Unfollow.
- Try to follow ‘realistic’ momfluencers as opposed to those showing all round perfection. Realistic content is less likely to make you feel bad.
You may find these articles useful:
Sharenting: Is It Good or Bad?
On Netflix’s Adolescence: Is the Internet Raising Our Kids?
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Conde, R., & Casais, B. (2023). Micro, macro and mega-influencers on instagram: The power of persuasion via the parasocial relationship. Journal of business research, 158, 113708. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2023.113708
(2) Beuckles, E., & De Wolf, R. (2025). Social media influencers as new agents on parenthood? A systematic review of parent influencer research and a future research agenda. Information, Communication, & Society, 28(4), 744-762. https://doi.org/10.1080/1369118X.2024.2334913
(3) Kirkpatrick CE, Lee S. Comparisons to picture-perfect motherhood: How Instagram’s idealized portrayals of motherhood affect new mothers’ well-being. Computers in Human Behavior. 2022 Dec 1;137:107417.
(4) Blum-Ross, A. & Livingstonge, S. (2017). Sharenting, parent bloging, and the boundaries of the digital self. Popular Communication, 15(2), 110-125. https://doi.org/10.1080/15405702.2016.1223300
(5) https://www.forbes.com/sites/christinecarter/2017/06/15/millennial-moms-the-2-4-trillion-social-media-influencer/
“How does play decrease egocentric thinking? I read an article recently that dipped into this topic, but am trying to learn more about it for taking care of my niece and nephew.”
When we are born, we don’t have the ability to understand that others may have different feelings, thoughts or perspectives. Children think for example, if they like strawberries, everyone else must like strawberries. This is called egocentric thinking. Children think this way until they are around 6 or 7.
Play helps children develop their emotional, social, and cognitive skills. This is why it is so important that children are allowed to play. Play is not something that children just do. Play has a purpose, and this is why children should be allowed to play.
During play, children have to share with others. They learn about others’ children’s opinions, ideas, and beliefs, and they begin to understand that they are different to their own. They see that others do things in a different way. All of these help them to leave behind their egocentric thinking.
So, the important thing is that you allow your niece and nephew to play. And remember that children benefit especially from unstructured and outdoors play.
I hope this information is helpful. Your niece and nephew are lucky to have an adult as committed as you are!
You may also find these masterclasses useful:
Forest School: Everything You Need to Know
Lots of love,
Ana
