“What is conscious co parenting, or do you have any tips on healthy co-parenting? I’m newly divorced and struggling with balancing the new type of relationship we now have.“
Co-parenting can sometimes be difficult. Co-parenting between divorced parents can sometimes feel like an ordeal.
The most important thing is that even if it is difficult, you must always put your child’s interests first. Remember that what matter for children is not the divorce itself, but the level of conflict between their parents. It is not good for children to live with parents that have a very difficult relationship and fight a lot. Never use your child as a weapon to hurt your ex or use him as a messenger between you and your ex.
If you have not already done it, I really recommend that you and your ex-partner create a parenting plan. In this plan, you will reach an agreement about every detail of your child’s life, like: who should the school contact when there is a problem, who will decide and pay for extracurricular activities, how to discipline your child, or how much contact your child will have with the extended family. You can find a detailed explanation of a parenting plan and few template ideas here.
Remember also that it is better for your child to have consistent rules and limits at both houses. Ideally, your child will go to bed at the same time or have the same rules regarding screen time, regardless of whether he is with you or your ex.
Try to have frequent conversations about your child with your ex-partner. It will be good for your child if you are both on the same page and put a united front whenever there are important issues to discuss. If direct communication is tricky, communicate via email. The important thing is that you communicate for the sake of your child.
It will also be positive for your child, if you and your ex attend teachers’ meetings together or spend important holidays or birthdays together.
Tell your child that you and your ex don’t love each other like you used to but that you both will always love them and that nothing that has happened is their fault.
Let their teachers know what is happening at home, so they can keep an eye on your child, in case he struggles for a bit. Think that many children experience a decline in their wellbeing for a while after their parents divorce, but most of them bounce back after a year or so.
If you want to discuss it further, please do get in touch with me.
I wish you and your family all the best in this new stage of your life.
You may also find these articles useful:
Should We Divorce or Stay Together for the Kids?
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
My Partner and I Have Different Parenting Styles
I Am Newly Separated and Struggling
Love,
Ana
“What is a helicopter parent? My grandmother accused me of ruining my child’s independence by being one, but doesn’t it just mean that I’m protective?”
A helicopter parent is one that overprotects their child. A helicopter parent hovers over their child, making choices for them, and solving their problems. Helicopter parents act from a place of love, but the issue is that when we are too protective, we don’t let our children solve their own problems. We all want to protect our children, but we must remember that the best way to protect them is not to solve their problems for them but to teach them how to solve them. Our children need to fail to learn to cope with negative feelings and become resilient.
So, I guess that your grandmother believes that you are overprotecting your child. Your grandmother is not the only one from that generation who thinks that we are overprotecting our children. After all, the way we raise children these days is very different to the way your grandmother was raised or to the way she raised her own children.
I don’t know if you are indeed overprotecting your child or not. What I do know is that you are clearly trying to do what is best for your child.
Read this article to learn more about helicopter parenting: What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How well should a 5 month old motor skills work?”
In terms of fine motor skills, a 5 month-old baby, generally:
- Touches fingers together
- Begins reaching with both hands at the same time
- Is able to reach and grasp a small toy using with both hands
- Touches, shakes, or bangs an object on a table or hard surface
- Can put things in his mouth or move them from hand to hand.
In terms of gross motor skills, a 5-month-old baby, generally:
- Can hold their head on their own (or trying to)
- Is starting to move their body more by rolling, reaching and wriggling
- May be sitting up with some support and use their hands for balance when they are sitting
- Can bear weight on their legs when stood up
- Can push onto their elbows from their tummies
Remember that most babies reach these milestones around the age of five months, but each baby develops at a different pace. Some will do one or a few of these things sooner and others will take a bit longer. If at any point you are worried about your child’s development, talk to your doctor.
You may also find these articles useful:
When Do Babies Discover their Own Hands?
When Do Babies Start Crawling?
Developmental Milestones at 2 Years Old
Child Development: Fine Motor Skills
I hope this information is useful.
All the best,
Ana
“Advice for anxiety in children under 10?”
Anxiety is a feeling of worry, unease or fear. It is experienced as a mix of feelings, thoughts and physical sensations in our body.
We all feel anxious at times. It is the emotion we are meant to feel when we are facing some situations. For example, it is ok and even good to feel anxious before an exam, because that anxiety will motivate us to revise. The problem is when the anxiety becomes too much, and it paralyses us and affects our everyday life.
The best thing we can do for a child that feel anxious is to help him manage the anxiety. It is a good idea to help your child understand how anxiety works. First, help your child identify what situations make them anxious. Is it facing an exam, going to a friend’s house, doing a new activity, having a sleepover? Help him identify when he feels anxious and how he feels when he is anxious. For example: “Do you feel a knot in your stomach?, Do you feel your heart is racing?, do you get sweaty palms, do you get scary thoughts? Explain that anxiety, like any other emotion, passes and that we all feel it at times.
Once you both identify those situations, you can think of a few strategies that may help him relax. For example:
- He can take ten deep and slow breathings
- He can put very cold water on his wrists
- He can picture a place or someone that makes them him happy (e.g., the beach, his bedroom, his dog…)
- You can role play a new situation that is making him anxious. For example, if he gets anxious whenever he has to do something new, walk him through what will happen. Doing this, will help him feel more in control.
He does not need to do all these things each time, it is about figuring out which of these strategies work for him. Some children find useful to have a worry box, where they can write and place all their concerns. Others find useful to have ‘worry-time’, for 10 minutes they can say all the things that worry them and then they go back to their activities. If you do either of these two activities, do not do them before bedtime.
Remember that the goal is not to eliminate anxiety from your child’s life but help him manage it. You cannot promise your child that he won’t face problems but you can tell him that you are confident that he is able to face them, even if sometimes it will be difficult. Respect his feelings but don’t empower them. For example, if he is anxious because he is going to the doctor, say something like: “I know you are anxious and it is ok. I am here with you”.
Finally, watch the movies Inside Out and Inside Out 2. These two movies are really helpful to discuss emotions with our children. The first one does not discuss anxiety but the second one does.
You may also find these articles useful:
How to Help a Child with Anxiety
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I hope this information helps you. If you want to discuss further how to support the specific needs of your child, do get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
“Can you discipline a 1 year old? He’s a boy”
Yes, you can. At this age, discipline is mostly about keeping them safe. As they grow, you can start building on your discipline techniques and explaining to him why things are wrong and why he should not do them. Remember that discipline is not the same as punishment. The goal of discipline is for children to understand why his behaviours are right or wrong.
At his age you can start to very gentle discipline him using these techniques:
- Keep expectations reasonable: when your son keeps throwing his food to the floor, he is not doing it to annoy you. He is learning. He is learning to control his own movements, he is learning that he can throw things on the floor, he is learning how you react when he does it. This behaviour is annoying, but he is not doing it to annoy you. Do not get upset. Do not overact and either ignore it or redirect his attention.
- Praise them: little children love to please their parents. So, whenever he does something good, praise him. For example: “Look, how well you shared with your sister, well done!”. He is more likely to repeat this behaviour because you gave him your attention.
- Be proactive: toddlers usually behave worse when they are tired or hungry. Try not to put him in potentially tricky situations when he is feeling this way. For example, do not take him to the supermarket just before lunch time because he is more likely to want to eat whatever he sees and throw a tantrum when you say no.
- Redirect him: If he is about to stick his fingers in the socket or break something, just take him and make him focus on something else. If he likes to pull your hair, do not give him a big reaction because he will be more likely to do it again. Instead, do not say anything, gently remove his hand, and redirect it to a toy.
- Say ‘no’ and stick to it. Children need to hear the word ‘no’. They need limits wile they grow up. When we say ‘no’ our child learns that there is a limit there. When you say ‘no’ stick to it because otherwise your child learns that if he whines, he gets what he wants.
- Be consistent: if you do not want him to pull your hair. Always tell him no and react in the same way. If one day you laugh when he does it, and the next day you get angry when he does the same thing, he will get confused.
Discipline is a difficult aspect of parenting. Remember that very often how we discipline has a lot to do with us being able to control our own emotions and reactions. If you ever feel you are going to lose it, leave the room, and calm yourself down before going back. Discipline always work better when you have close and warm relationship with your child.
You may also find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
I hope you find this information useful. I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Dr Ana Aznar
“What are your thoughts on emancipation? My ex-best friend’s daughter wants to explore this option for herself, but I don’t know how to get emancipated without parental consent. She spends a lot of time living with me but I want to help her with long term escape plans, legally & permanently“.
Emancipation refers to the legal process in which a minor is freed from control by their parents or guardians, and the parents of guardians are freed from responsibility for the child. A child cannot get emancipated before they turn 16.
When a child gets emancipated, they are granted authority and legal ownership of their bank accounts and properties. They are able to make financial, housing, and medical decisions on their own. Emancipation brings freedom but it also brings new responsibilities and burdens: paying rent and other living costs, paying medical bills, or being sued. This does not mean that the minor becomes an adult. They still will not be able to vote, buy or drink alcohol, get a driver’s licence, or quit school before the legal age of doing so.
The process of emancipation depends on the country (or state if you are in the US) where you live.
In the US, different states have different laws with little guidance from federal law. There are three ways a child can become emancipated: getting married (but parental consent is needed to get married), joining the military or go to court and have the judge declare them emancipated. To get legally emancipated in a court, the minor is responsible for filing a petition with the juvenile court. The minor has the responsibility for proving that they have the ability to support themselves financially and that they have a place to live. When making a decision, the court will consider factors, such as the age of the minor, his maturity, home situation, and whether emancipation is in his best interest, before. Parents or guardians must be notified of the child’s request for emancipation. Usually, parents or guardians have the right to object to the emancipation.
In the UK, teenagers are able to leave home without parental or guardian permission at the age of 16. However, they remain under their parents’ custody until they reach 18.
There are many different reasons why a child may want to get emancipated: escaping an abusive or neglectful home, making their own healthcare decisions, enrolling in a high school or trade school of their choice, or not getting on with their parents. Whatever the reasons, it is usually and tough decision that must be made after serious consideration and always keeping the best interest of the minor in mind.
I don’t know the specific case of the girl you want to help. My advice is:
- That she, if at all possible, discusses the issue with her parents. And to carefully consider if she may ever want to go back to their family. Are the problems temporary or permanent?
- She must carefully consider if she can really support herself before filing the petition.
- Contact a local lawyer so she can get legal advice.
- Emancipation is a painful process. It may be a good idea that she receive psychological support. Do get in touch with me if you would like to explore this option.
Thank you for trusting me with your problems and I hope you find this information useful. I wish this child the very best of luck.
Love,
Ana
“Can you get a tattoo at 16 with parental consent if it’s not a stupid design?”
It seems that this is a popular question within our community! Another parent asked the same exact question a few weeks ago. As I explained to this other parent, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. It depends on your judgement and your values as a parent. There are however a few things that I recommend you consider when making this decision. You can read them in this article: Should I Let my Teenager Get a Tattoo?
I hope this information helps!
Love,
Ana
“How to improve toddler speech, I’m worried that my son is not on the right track with words”
You need to remember that each child develops at a different pace. Some children are early chatters whereas others need a bit more time to speak. If you are worried, discuss it with your son’s doctor.
Typically, children start babbling around 6 months of age. By the time they are 12 months they start saying single words (e.g., “dada“, “dog“, “water“), and around 24 months they start to put very simple sentences together (e.g., “more water”, “mummy more”).
Things you can do to encourage him to speak:
- Talk, talk, talk. Talk to him about what you are doing, the things you see when you are at the park, or what other people around you are doing. Describe what you are doing while you are out and about, while you give him a bath, get him dressed and prepare his breakfast.
- Read to him. Read to him and point to the pictures while you do it.
- Give him choices. For example, ask him if he prefers a banana or a yoghurt while you hold both in your hands.
- Sing and listen to children’s songs and lullabies. Those that have actions are particularly good, for example: “Row, row, row your boat”, “Pat-a-cake”, and “Incy, wincy spider”.
- Play. Hide one of his toys and encourage him to find it, saying things like: “Where is your train?”, “Here is the train! You found it!”. Play hide and seek and use the opportunity to name places where he can be: “Where is Jamie? Is he under the table? Behind the sofa? In the closet?”. Or play with his toys and mention their names, colours, and shapes.
- Add one word to what your child says. For example, when your child says “Car”, you say “Yes, that is a blue car”.
- Praise him whenever he says a new word or a new sentence.
- Do not critize him or tell him off for getting the wrong word.
- Get your child’s attention by saying their name at the start of a sentence. When you ask them a question, give them plenty of time to answer.
I hope you find this information useful. I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“When do babies discover their hands or understand when hands are something they have?”
Babies realize they have hands at around 2-3 months of age. Between 2 and 4 months they will see a toy, and try to get it with their hands. At the beginning, they won’t be able to get it, then they might swipe at it, occasionally hitting it. Slowly, as they develop eye-hand coordination, their accuracy improves. And roughly at 6 months, your baby will be able to do something with the toy, like shaking or banging it.
It is very important to remember that each baby develops at a different pace. Some babies will discover their hands before they reach 2 months, others bang on 2 months, and others a bit later. Keep an eye on your child’s development but do not stress too much about it. If you are ever worried, take him to his doctor.
I hope this information is useful!
Love,
Ana
“separation anxiety in a 2 year old. He can’t stand me even leaving the room without screaming“
Separation anxiety is children’s fear of being away from their parents of carers. It starts when your child understands that he is a separate person from you but he still does not understand that you still exists even when he cannot see you (this is called object permanence). You child gets anxious because he does not understand that you will come back. As a result, your child may cry, scream or cling to you when being separated from you. Separation anxiety is a normal part of children’s development. It means that you have formed a close bond with your child.
Separation anxiety usually starts around 6-7 months and reaches its peak at 14-18 months. Separation anxiety tends to decline when children reach preschool or school age. Some children may experience separation anxiety a bit longer than others, because every child develops at a different pace. If your child still experiences separation anxiety after the age of 3 or during the preschool years, it is worth discussing it with his doctor. Especially, if it interferes with his ability to go or stay at school. Also talk to his doctor if you think that his anxiety is too extreme.
Here are some tips to support your child:
- Always tell your child that you are leaving and when you will be coming back (e.g., “I will be back before bath time”). Do not sneak off without saying goodbye because it will only make his anxiety worse.
- Be quick saying goodbye and act confidently even if you are finding it tough. If your child senses your anxiety, he will become more anxious.
- Practice being away from him at home. Tell him: “I am going to have a shower, daddy is here with you”. Start with short separations and gradually increase the time apart as your child becomes comfortable with separation. This strategy will help him understand that you still ‘exist’ even when he cannot see you.
- Do not dismiss his emotions. Try not to say things like: “Oh you are such a mummy’s boy”, or “C’mon don’t be silly, I am just going round the corner”.
- If he has a comfort blanket or toy, give it to him before you go, so he can regulate himself easier.
- Consider that his separation anxiety can get worse when he is hungry, tired, or sick.
- Read picture books about it. “The Kissing Hand” by Audrey Penn is a good book to read to your son. In this book, a small raccoon is scared to be away from its mother until he realizes that she is always love him, no matter if they are together or apart. Another one you may find useful is ‘The Invisible String’ by Patrice Karst.
I hope you find this information useful. Do get in touch with me if you would like to discuss it in more detail.
I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“When do babies start crawling? My child is 6 months old but not crawling yet, and I am starting to become worried by this as all my other kids were early movers.”
Most babies start crawling from seven to ten months. However, it is very important to note that some babies start crawling earlier and others never crawl. This is why crawling is no longer considered a developmental milestone. Look for other signs of physical development, like sitting up, rocking, shuffling, pulling himself up on the side of the cot. If you don’t see progress in his physical development, take him to see the doctor.
You may find these articles helpful:
Child Development: Fine Motor Skills
Developmental Milestones at 2 Years Old
I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What does authoritarian parenting mean in social work?”
Authoritarian parenting style is, with authoritative, permissive, and neglectful, one of the four traditional parenting styles. These four styles of parenting were first quoted by psychologists Baumrid, Maccoby and Martin, after observing thousands of parents and children.
You can read all about authoritarian parenting in this article: Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
You may also find this article helpful: Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
I hope this information helps!
Regards,
Ana
“how to help kids with anxiety? my son has been showing signs of depression and anxiety, like not going to school, refusal to eat, and not wanting to speak to other children his age. It’s turned his little sister into a scared child as well, because she doesn’t understand. I don’t know anything about anxiety and depression treatment myself. Thank you in advance.”
I am sorry to hear your son is going through this.
Just like adults, children feel anxious at times. But if your child’s anxiety is affecting his everyday life, he needs support.
Here are the things you can do:
- Try to find out what is going on for him. Once you understand what is going on, you will be in a better position to make changes that can help him. Try to do with him an anxiety iceberg. This is how it works. Draw the iceberg. At the top, the part above water, write the behaviours you can see: his crying, not going to school, not eating, not speaking to other children…. Then discuss with him what is happening underneath the water, the things you cannot see. You can ask him: “I wonder what is happening inside of you? I wonder if you are struggling with your friends…. I wonder if you are finding schoolwork confusing… I wonder if you are finding the school too loud….” Encourage him to say what is going on. Write it down on the iceberg, or even better ask him to write it down himself, or to draw it (depending on his age).
- Once you have done this exercise, you may have a better idea of what is going on. I would then talk to his teachers. Ask them to tell you how your son is doing at school. Does he seem happy? Is he alone at break times or is he with friends? Does he pay attention to the teachers? Does he focus on his work? Are his grades OK?
- Given that your son’s anxiety is affecting his day-to-day life, I would encourage you to find professional support. If you get in touch with me, I will connect you with a therapist that will suit his needs. The therapist will work with him to manage his anxiety and will also give you tools and techniques to support him. Once the therapist has seen him, report back to the school, so you are all on the same page, and work together to support your child.
- Finally, remember to take care of yourself. You are doing a lot by being present and supportive. The best thing you can do is to give your son, love, structure and a belief in his ability to cope, even when he doesn’t believe in himself.
You may also find these articles useful:
Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA): Everything You Need to Know
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I hope this information helps.
Lots of love,
Ana
Many parents struggle with their mental health. This is very concerning because their children may have more difficulties growing up. Let me tell you why.
How Does Parents’ Mental Health Affect their Child?
When parents struggle with their mental health, they are less able to take care of their children, they pay less attention to their children’s needs, and the quality of the family’s life gets worse. Parents may be harsher with their children or may be distant from them.
Children who grow up with parents who struggle with their mental health, experience more stress. Growing up with a lot of stress is not good for children. These children are more likely to have worse mental health and to face difficulties growing up. They may grow up feeling insecure and experience distress.
However, it is important to note that the experiences of growing up with a parent who has mental health issues are very different. It is not the same for a child to grow up with a parent that is often hospitalized because they experience severe mental health issues, than growing up with a parent that has one episode of a mental health issue during their life.
Mothers’ Mental Health Matters from Pregnancy
Mothers’ mental health influence their child even before the child is born. When women have very high levels of stress (1) during pregnancy, their babies are more active in utero. When they are born, they are more likely to be hyperactive and irritable, and to have feeding and sleeping issues.
Sadly, 1 in 5 pregnant women or new mums develop a mental health issue. Why? Because during this period, women go through a tremendous change. Everything changes: their body, their identity, their relationship with their partner…Basically, everything.
Depression Is the Most Common Mental Health Issue for Mothers
Women may develop many mental health issues: anxiety, PTSD, mood disorders…. But the most common one is postpartum depression. It is estimated that 1 in 10 women develop postpartum depression.
When a mother is depressed, she is less responsive towards her baby. She talks less, smiles less, and is more detached from her baby. Consequently, her baby becomes less responsive and more apathetic (2). And this is bad for the baby’s development. Babies needs to be stimulated to develop fully. When a mother is depressed, she finds it difficult to stimulate her baby.
Babies of depressed mothers also interact in this way with adults that are not depressed. And because these babies are more apathetic, the adults around them tend to respond to them, in a less positive way.
Depressed mothers (3) are more likely to:
- Not engage with their babies.
- Have more difficulties interpreting their baby’s emotions.
- Find parenting more difficult.
- Experience hostility and resentment toward the baby.
- Neglect or abuse their babies.
As a consequence, their babies are more likely to:
- Experience growth and developmental delays.
- Develop an insecure attachment.
- Experience poor cognitive functioning.
- Suffer affective disorders later in life.
- Develop behavioural problems.
Fathers’ Mental Health Also Matters
Fathers’ mental health (4) and how it affects their children is a relatively new area of research because until quite recently fathers were not as involved in their children’s life. We now know that fathers’ mental health also matters. When fathers struggle with their mental health, their children tend to be negatively affected.
Postpartum depression is the mental health issue that is most common amongst fathers and the one that has been examined the most. It is estimated that 1 in 10 fathers experience postpartum depression.
Children (5) of depressed fathers are more likely to:
- Have a difficult temperament
- Experience long term mental health issues
Do Mothers’ and Fathers’ Mental Health Matter Equally?
We know that the mental health of mothers and fathers influence their children’s development. But it seems that this effect is not the same.
It seems that in the case of the mothers, it is their mental health that directly influences their children. Whereas in the case of fathers, it is not so much their actual mental health that influences the children, but the socioeconomic difficulties (6) that usually go hand in hand with the fathers’ mental health issues.
Indeed, parental mental health issues rarely happen on their own. Parents who struggle with their mental health, often also experience unemployment, financial difficulties, family conflict, or may use drugs and alcohol.
In general, it is worse for children when their mothers have mental health issues, than when their fathers are the ones struggling with their mental health. However, as you can imagine, the worst situation for a child is when both parents have mental health issues.
Parents Influence Each Other
Mothers’ mental health influence fathers’ mental health and vice versa. And they both influence the child’s mental health. For example, fathers-to-be (7) are more likely to be depressed and anxious when their pregnant partner is depressed. Roughly a quarter of mothers with postnatal depression (8) have a depressed partner.
The opposite dynamic may also happen. Sometimes when the mother is depressed, the father may take increased responsibility to compensate the mother’s poor parenting (9). Mothers may do the same when the father is depressed.
How Can Parents Take Care of their Mental Health?
- Learn about mental health and parenting
- Talk to others about how they are feeling
- Seek advice from a mental health professional
- Eat well
- Do some exercise
- Stay connected with friends and family
Finally…
If you are struggling with your mental health do not struggle in silence and do not go through it alone. Get in touch with me, our therapists are here to help you.
You may find these articles useful:
Love,
Ana
References
(1) DiPietro, J. A. (2012). Maternal stress in pregnancy: considerations for fetal development. Journal of adolescent health, 51(2), S3-S8. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2012.04.008
(2) Loveyjoy, M.C., Graczyk, P.A., O’Hare, E., & Neuman (2000). Maternal depression and parenting behaviour: a meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 20, (5), https://doi.org/10.1016/S0272-7358(98)00100-7
(3) Jung, V., Short, R., Letourneau, N., & Andrews, D. (2007). Interventions with depressed mothers and their infants: Modifying interactive behaviours. Journal of affective disorders, 98(3), 199-205. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2006.07.014
(4) Fisher, S. D. (2017). Paternal mental health: why is it relevant?. American journal of lifestyle medicine, 11(3), 200-211.
(5) Pemberton, C. K., Neiderhiser, J. M., Leve, L. D., Natsuaki, M. N., Shaw, D. S., Reiss, D., & Ge, X. (2010). Influence of parental depressive symptoms on adopted toddler behaviors: An emerging developmental cascade of genetic and environmental effects. Development and psychopathology, 22(4), 803-818. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579410000477
(6) Kieran, K.E., & Mensah, F.K. (2009). Poverty, maternal depression, family status, and children’s cognitive and behavioural development in early childhood: A longitudinal study. Journal of Social Policy, 38(4), 569-588. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2006.07.010
(7) Field, T., Diego, M., Hernandez-Reif, M., Figuereido, B., Deeds, O., Contogeorgos, J., & Ascencio, A. (2006). Prenatal paternal depression. Infant Behaviour and Development, 29(4), 579-583.
(8) Goodman, J.H. (2008). Influences of maternal postpartum depression on fathers and on father-infant interaction. Infant mental health journal: Official publication of the world association for infant mental health, 29(6), 624-643.
(9) Hossain, Z., Field, T., Gonzalez, J., Malphurs, J., Valle, C.D., & Pickens, J. (1994). Infants of depressed mothers interact better with their non depressed fathers. Infant Mental Health Journal, 15(4), 348-357.
We have always considered that only women could experience baby blues or postpartum depression. However, recent research is challenging this belief. Fathers also have postpartum depression.
What Is Postnatal Depression?
Postpartum depression is defined as a major depressive episode (1) that occurs shortly after childbirth. The condition is most often found in women but recently, researchers have been paying attention to men.
Can Fathers have Postpartum Depression?
Yes, they can. A recent meta-analysis (a study of studies) that examined (2) over one million participants in over 30 countries concluded that men also have postpartum depression.
How Common is Postpartum Depression?
The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that between 10% and 20% of women experience depression at some point after childbirth. This is around 1 in 10 women. It is also estimated that approximately 1 in 10 fathers (3) experience postpartum depression.
The WHO estimates that postpartum depression will become the second leading cause of disability and the most common mental illness worldwide.
It affects men and women all over the world no matter their age, educational level, race, or socieconomic status.
Paternal depression, as with women, can happen before or after the baby is born. Women usually show symptoms within four to six weeks after giving birth, but it can appear as late as three months after birth. In the case of fathers, it seems that they are more likely to experience depression during the first trimester of the pregnancy, and when the baby is between 3 and 6 months old (4).
Why Do Fathers Have Postpartum Depression?
In recent years, fathers have become much more involved in the life of their children. However, they are not receiving much support during their transition to fatherhood. This lack of support may be one of the factors explaining postpartum depression in men.
Fathers also find it difficult to access healthcare services when they are struggling because postpartum depression is still considered to be a problem that only affects women by many health care professionals.
We are also beginning to understand that men’s hormones (5) also change when they become fathers. Their testosterone levels tend to decrease. Fathers with lower levels of testosterone report having more depressive symptoms. Men not only experience a change in their hormones when they become fathers, their brain also changes. Scientists are only starting to investigate the ‘dad brain’. And it seems that their brain changes in a similar way as that of new mothers. Their brain becomes more streamlined to do what it needs to do: care for the baby.
Other Factors that Influence Postpartum Depression in Fathers
- Male gender role stress (MGRS): Men who feel the pressure to behave like a ‘typical man’, are more likely to experience postpartum depression because this pressure gets worse when the baby is born. This seems to be the main factor predicting whether a man will experience postpartum depression.
- History of paternal mental illness: this seem to be an important factor as well. When a man has had a mental illness before, he is more likely to experience postpartum depression
- Unplanned pregnancy: fathers that find themselves in this situation have more chances of developing postpartum depression.
- Lack of sleep is very much linked with paternal depression, especially among first-time fathers.
- Work-family conflict: many fathers find it difficult to find a balance between work and family.
- Marital distress: the arrival of a baby usually means that the parents’ relationship suffers. Conflict between the couple predicts depression in fathers.
- Maternal depression: when a mother experiences depression, the father is more likely to experience it as well. After all, both mother and father experience similar problems and difficulties. From a practical point of view this means that when the father or the mother is diagnosed with depression, the other one should be evaluated. This is why in 2020, the Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics called on pediatricians to evaluate the mental health of all new parents, regardless of gender.
- Financial burden of having a baby: the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 years old in the UK is £223,356. In the US it costs $310,605 and in Spain €109,152.
- Lack of social support: fathers who feel better supported are less likely to experience depression (6)
Symptoms of Postpartum Depression in Fathers
Symptoms must be present for most of the day and last for at least two weeks. They can look different in men and women.
Men are likely to experience the following symptoms:
- Irritability, anger, sudden outbursts, or violent behavior
- Working all the time or a lot less
- Feeling frustrated or cynical
- Feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or sad
- Loss of interest in work or favorite activities
- Acting distant or withdrawing from friends and family
- Impulsive behavior
- Engaging in risky behaviours like drinking alcohol or using drugs
- Low motivation
- Physical symptoms like muscle or stomach aches or headaches
- Poor concentration
- Suicidal thoughts
Why Does It Matter if Fathers Have Postpartum Depression?
It matters (7) because:
- Fathers matter and they deserve to be mentally healthy
- The mental health of the father influences the mental health of the baby
- The mental health of the father influences the mental health of the mother
How Is Postpartum Depression Diagnosed?
Postpartum depression is diagnosed (8) using the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS). This scale should only be administered by a mental health professional. This scale was developed to identify women who may have postnatal depression. In the past few years, it has been adapted to men. It has 10 questions, like: “The thought of harming myself has occurred to me”, “I have been so unhappy that I have been crying”, or “I have been so unhappy that I have had difficulty sleeping”. Parents must answer how often they experience these symptoms.
How Is Postpartum Depression in Fathers Treated?
Depending on the severity of the symptoms, treatment may include:
- Talk therapy, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Couples therapy
- Attending support groups
- Antidepressants: they are usually recommended when depression is more severe or other treatments have not helped.
Tips for New Fathers
- Exercise regularly
- Eat well
- Do not drink or take drugs
- Sleep and rest when you can
- Do things you enjoy
- Meet with friends and family
- Discuss your feelings
- Do not try to be a super dad
- Ask for help if you find yourself struggling
Finally….
Having a baby is a beautiful experience but it is also very challenging. If you are expecting a baby or have a little baby and are finding it difficult, please reach out. We are here to help.
You may also find these articles useful:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Depression, P., & Causes, A. T. (2015). Heterogeneity of postpartum depression: a latent class analysis. The Lancet Psychiatry, 2(1), 59-67.
(2) Ansari, N. S., Shah, J., Dennis, C. L., & Shah, P. S. (2021). Risk factors for postpartum depressive symptoms among fathers: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Acta obstetricia et gynecologica Scandinavica, 100(7), 1186-1199. https://doi.org/10.1111/aogs.14109
(4) Rao, W. W., Yang, Y., Ma, T. J., Zhang, Q., Ungvari, G. S., Hall, B. J., & Xiang, Y. T. (2021). Worldwide prevalence of suicide attempt in pregnant and postpartum women: a meta-analysis of observational studies. Social psychiatry and psychiatric epidemiology, 56, 711-720. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-020-01975-w
(5) Saxbe DE, Schetter CD, Simon CD, Adam EK, Shalowitz MU. High paternal testosterone may protect against postpartum depressive symptoms in fathers, but confer risk to mothers and children. Horm Behav. 2017 Sep;95:103-112. doi: 10.1016/j.yhbeh.2017.07.014. Epub 2017 Aug 31. PMID: 28757312; PMCID: PMC11703689.
(6) Chhabra, J., McDermott, B., & Li, W. (2020). Risk factors for paternal perinatal depression and anxiety: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Psychology of Men & Masculinities, 21(4), 593-
(7) Giallo, R., D’Esposito, F., Cooklin, A. et al. Psychosocial risk factors associated with fathers’ mental health in the postnatal period: results from a population-based study. Soc Psychiatry Psychiatr Epidemiol 48, 563–573 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-012-0568-8
(8) Cox JL, Holden JM, Sagovsky R. Detection of postnatal depression. Development of the 10-item Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. Br J Psychiatry. 1987 Jun;150:782-6. PMID:3651732
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“Should I let my teenager get a tattoo? She’s 17 and I don’t want her to make a mistake she’ll regret, but I also have tattoos and don’t want to restrict her because she can get one with parental approval in our state“.
This is one of those parenting questions for which there is not a right or wrong answer. It depends on your values. Some parents don’t see a problem with their teen doing a tattoo whereas others forbid it completely.
I cannot tell you what to do but what I can tell you is that how you discuss this issue with your daughters matters. Here are a few tips to discuss it in a useful and meaningful way:
- Why does she want a tattoo? Is it because her friends are doing it, and she doesn’t want to be the only one without one? Or is this something that she wants for herself?
- Ask her to think about it carefully and to take her time to make a decision. Teenagers are likely to act impulsively. You can maybe tell her to wait for a month or two and if by then she still feels sure that she wants it, then she can do it.
- Where on her body does she want it? Discuss it with her. Raise important points like not doing it in a very visible place because it may be a problem down the line to get certain jobs, for example.
- What is the tattoo going to be? Discuss the fact that it is not a good idea to tattoo the name of a boyfriend/girlfriend or any other passing trend in her life that she might dislike in a few years.
- Discuss with her that tattoos can carry health risks, like skin reactions. Also discuss that it is very important to go to a reputable tattoo shop.
In your case, you should also discuss the fact that you have tattoos. She may not understand why her having a tattoo is an issue for you. Explain to her why you have doubts about her having one.
Whether you decide to let her do it or not, try for her to understand your reasoning. Teenagers tend to comply with what you are saying when they understand the reasoning behind it. If she does not understand it, she will think that you are not being fair, and this may create problems between you two.
I hope this information is useful and let me know how you get on!
Love,
Ana
“How to remove parental responsibility from father if he is unfit? What proof do I need as a now single mother? His parents are making this so hard and I don’t have any family myself to help with advice“
I am very sorry that you are in this situation. It must be very tough for you.
The process of removing parental responsibility depends on where you live. In most countries a parent can be deemed unfit when:
- They have been abusive or have neglected the child.
- They have a history of alcohol or drug abuse.
- They have a history of mental illness that makes them unable to take care of the child.
- Their living conditions are considering inappropriate for the child because they are dangerous or unsanitary.
If any of these points apply to the father of your child, you will need to collect evidence. Evidence may include text messages, voice notes, social media messages, medical records and witness’ testimonies. With this evidence, you can go to court to seek full custody of your child. Keep in mind that judges are usually very reluctant to deny contact between a parent and a child because it is considered that being cared for by both parents is beneficial for children.
My advice would be to contact a lawyer in the area you live, as they are best placed to advise you. I imagine that you must be going through a difficult time and things may get even more difficult if you go down this route. If you need support, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me. I am here to help.
Love,
Ana
“What the heck is gentle parenting and why would people do it??“
I love your question! If you follow me, you will know that I am not a big fan of gentle parenting. Gentle parenting was introduced by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in 2015. Since then, it went viral in social media. In my opinion, gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents these days were raised. Many parents were raised in a much more authoritarian way, and in their effort to do it differently, they have gone to the other extreme.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some aspects of gentle parenting that are good. For example, it promotes aspects of authoritative parenting, which is the gold standard of parenting. However, there are many aspects that I don’t agree with. For example, one big problem is that it is a very intensive way of parenting that places unrealistic expectations on parents.
I wrote a very detailed article on gentle parenting a while ago. You can find it here: Gentle Parenting: Is It Best? Have a read and let me know your thoughts!
You may also find these articles useful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
What Is Helicopter Parenting: Characteristics and Consequences
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
I hope this information helps!
Love,
Ana
“I am newly separated and completely overwhelmed with all of the stupid little things that I never thought of previously, like do both parents have to pay school fines if separated? What if my daughter still wants to do a family Halloween costume this year? Will she understand if her birthday cards are not signed from both mommy AND daddy (or should I even still do that)? I suppose I am just exhausted and am looking for some advice/support as a newly separated mother. I’m also on the spectrum, if that makes a difference.”
I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is totally normal for you to feel overwhelmed. All those little things are a lot when you add them together!
One important thing that you must remember is that divorce is not bad for children per se, what can be negative for your children is if your ex and you have a very conflictive relationship. I know that it is not always easy, but as much as you can, try to get on well with your ex for the sake of your children.
I strongly recommend that you and your ex create a parenting plan. A parenting plan is a document where you both agree on all these issues that you are mentioning. This way you create a clear set of guidelines and avoid future disagreements. If you get on well, you both can do it together. If your relationship is not that good, you may need the help of a family mediator or a lawyer. You can find two parenting plan templates in the first link below.
Finally, please remember that this is a very difficult moment for you. You need to be strong, because you deserve it, and because if you are not strong, you won’t be able to take care of your children. If you need 1-2-1 support, please do get in touch with me. I am here to help.
You may also find Support Pay useful to organize your finances. All REC Parenting customers have a 20% discount using the code: SUPPORTPAY at checkout.
You may find these REC Parenting articles useful:
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
Should We Divorce or Stay Together for the Kids?
Magpie Parenting: What Is It About?
Lots of love,
Ana
“How to convince your parents to butt out of your parenting life cuz I’m a teen mom living on my own but my parents won’t stop trying to insert themselves into our lives.”
It is understandable that you want your independence and at the same time you need to try to understand that your parents want to help you and your baby because they love you. All teenagers distance themselves from their parents, and many parents find this process difficult. The fact that you are going through this process while having a baby of your own may be making it more difficult for your parents.
So, what can you do?
- If you tell your parents that they are inserting themselves into your life, they may not understand what you mean. It is always better to give them concrete examples. Why don’t you write a list of the things you find intrusive? For example, I think that you are intruding when…:
“You come to my place announced”,
“You give me unsolicited parenting advice’, or
“You tell me that my way of doing things is not right”.
- Once you have this list, tell them in a nice way how you feel. It may be something like: “Mum and Dad, I really love you and I know that you are trying to help but I need some space to find my feet as a mum. I find it too intrusive when you do…, could you please try to stop doing it?”. See how they react, you may not want to go through the whole list at once. It may be better to tell them in small doses.
- Whenever they give you unsolicited parenting advice, try saying things like: “I appreciate you want to help but I think I am going to try it my way first” or ““I know that you have more experience than I do but I need to figure things out by myself”.
- If you and your parents are up to it, having a session with a family therapist, may help you deal with these issues and find ways to solve them. Do get in touch with me if this sounds like a good idea.
You may find this article helpful: How to Deal with Unsolicited Parenting Advice
I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Is having godparents essential to a child’s development?”
Not at all. If you are religious and would like for your child to have godparents, great. If not, don’t worry at all. Think that there are godparents that are very involved in their godchildren’s life and there are others that are not very much involved. What is good for children is to have loving adults in their life whom they have a close relationship with. It doesn’t matter if they are a godparent, a family friend, or an aunt. Rest assured that having godparents is not essential.
I hope this information helps!
Love,
Ana
“What is a narcissistic parent? Growing up, I used to just think mine were strict and selfish, but now that I’m a mom, I worry that they were narcissistic parents and that it might transfer to my parenting style“.
When we talk about narcissism we need to differentiate between two concepts. One is people who have narcissistic traits. These people tend to be selfish, cold, entitled and have feelings of grandiosity.
The second concept is people who are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. This is a mental health condition where people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. It is estimated that around 1% to 2% of the U.S. population has narcissistic personality disorder.
These are the main characteristics:
- They need and seek too much attention
- They want people to admire them.
- They may not have the ability to care or understand the feelings of others
- They are self-absorbed.
- They may exploit others to their own advantage
- They may have self-esteem issues
- They are easily upset by the slightest criticism
Some people may have narcissistic traits but not a personality disorder.
Parental narcissism is not something that has been examined a lot. There are a few studies that have examined how narcissistic parents influence their children’s development. They found that narcissistic parents usually don’t make “great parents” mostly because they lack empathy to understand their children. They tend to be very controlling, and their children tend to do as they are told to make their parents happy and avoid conflict. Children of narcissistic parents have more chances of experiencing depression and anxiety.
You may recognize some of these characteristics in your parents. However, you will probably never know if your parents were narcissistic or not, and you know what? I wouldn’t worry too much. The fact that you are here asking this question, shows that you want to be the best parent for your child, and that you are a caring and empathetic parent. This is what your children needs. Also, consider that having difficult or narcissistic parents doesn’t dictate the type of parent that you are or that you will be. With self-awareness and some internal work, you can be the parent you want to be. Finally, remember that the perfect parent does not exist!
I hope this helps. If you want to have a session to discuss your worries privately, do get in touch with me. We are here to help!
Love,
Ana
Everyone is talking about Netflix’s show ‘Adolescence’. If you haven’t watched it, I really recommend you do. I watched all four episodes in one go because I could not turn it off. It is a heartbreaking and very uncomfortable watch, but it is also beautifully filmed, and the acting is incredible. More importantly, it raises relevant questions about how much our children are being shaped by online content. A must watch for all parents.
Adolescence is not based on one single case but on different cases that have happened in the UK during the last few years. What is going on in our society? How have we come to this? Through history, parents thought that their children were safe when they were at home, when they were in their bedrooms. This is no longer the case. The internet broke this. As parents we must realize once and for all that as long as our children have a device, they are not safe. Not even when they are at home.
It is absolutely heartbreaking watching Jamie’s parents wondering what they did wrong. What else could they have done. What they failed to do. They failed to realize, as many of us, that our children are also being shaped by their online life. The algorithm is another factor shaping our children. We need to realize that we have to be on top of our children’s online life in the same way that we are on top of their ‘real’ life.
Now, I am not saying that all our children have the potential to become killers just because of the online content they are watching. Not at all. I am just saying that we need to be much more on top of what they are doing online because there are some really nasty people and very nasty content that our children are engaging with at a time when they are quite vulnerable, and they are establishing who they are. So, let’s not go into panic mode and let’s take this opportunity to discuss the lessons we can learn from this show.
Concepts that Appear in ‘Adolescence’ and that We Should Be Aware of
It appears clear in the show that Jamie, aged 13, has been radicalized online by the incel culture.
- Incel or involuntary celibate: The incel view is based on the idea that women are only attracted to men that are physically attractive. Those who define themselves as incels believe that they are not physically attractive and that they are going to be a virgin forever. The incel ideology considers that all men (including themselves) are superior to women. However, not all men are the same. They are divided into Chads (a minority of alpha males) who are at the top, Normies (a majority of average-looking betas) who are in the middle, and Incels (a minority) at the bottom. Incels bond online over being rejected by women. They develop a sense of being lonely and isolated, and become jealous of those around them who they perceive as being in happy sexual relationships. There are examples of incels who have committed crimes, like Alek Minassian, who killed 10 people in Toronto in 2018. Elliot Rodger killed six people in the US and documented his anger towards women who refused his advances.
- Pilling: this concept is borrowed from the 1999 film, The Matrix. People can take the blue pill and live in ignorance. Or they can take the red pill and learn of the social structure that we have just discussed. Incels have added a third pill, the black pill. With this one, incels accept that this social hierarchy cannot be changed, so there is nothing they can do to change their own status.
- Emojis: the teenagers in ‘Adolescence’ explain what the different emojis really mean for them. I think that this makes it clear that parents do not understand how our teenagers use technology to communicate with each other. Here is an explanation of what these emojis mean:
What Else Can We Learn from ‘Adolescence’?
- Set clear rules with your child about what they are allowed regarding their devices.
- Ideally children should not be allowed to have their devices in their bedrooms, especially at night.
- Stay involved in your children’s online life: which social media platforms are they using? Who are they following? Who do they interact with? What type of content are they engaging with?
- Discuss emotions with them, especially if they are boys. We still tend to talk more about emotions with our daughters than with our sons. Give a clear message that it is ok for boys and men to cry, to express their emotions, and to experience negative emotions.
- Discuss sex with them and how a healthy romantic relationship looks like.
- Model what a healthy romantic relationship looks like.
- Help them become critical thinkers.
Finally…
We have these resources that you may find useful:
- Masterclass: Understanding Teen Dating Violence
I hope you have found this information useful. My aim with this article is not to scare you but to raise awareness about the fact that we need to stay on top of our children’s online life. The question we need to ask ourselves as parents, is: Would we know if this was happening to our child? For many of us, the answer is no. We need to change this.
If you would like some 1-2-1 support to discuss this or any other issue, just email me.
Love,
X
Ana
“At what age should I turn off parental controls on my son and daughter devices?”
According to the American Psychological Association (APA) parents should monitor children’s social media until they are at least 15. However, think that no two 15-year-olds are the same. Some 15-year-olds are mature enough not to need parental controls, while others need them for a bit longer. It is up to you to make a judgement call based on your children. Whatever you do, turn off the parental controls gradually, so your children can adapt to their new online freedom slowly. And keep talking to your children about their online life. Ideally, you want them to tell you who they talk to, what apps they are using, and if they are having any problems or worries. Having their trust always work better than trying to control them. Use opportunities to discuss about their online life whenever you are together, and the topic comes up on the radio or the TV.
I hope this helps! You can find me here if you need 1-2-1 support.
Love,
Ana
