“My 6 year old daughter is getting bullied at school because she still believes in Santa Claus, flying reindeer, Christmas elves, Mrs. Claus, magic in general, the whole shebang… She absolutely loves this aspect of the season, but she’s also miserable and comes back crying every day because of this. What can I do that won’t burst her little magic bubble yet, but also protect her? is it possible to do both?”
Research shows that most children find the truth about Santa around age 8. So, your daughter is showing typical and normative behaviour believing in Santa.
You need to validate her feelings: “I understand you are upset because children are teasing you. It is wrong to behave that way”. And then practice with her how to react to them. Ideally, she does not want to give the bullies a big reaction, because that will reinforce their behaviour (I know this is really difficult for a 6-year-old). You can roleplay the situation, and she could practice saying something to them like: “You can believe what you want and I can believe what I want” or “OK, I am going to play”.
I would also talk to her teacher, so she is aware of what is happening. Bullying should not be happening, and it should be dealt with straight away. Ask your daughter who is doing the bullying, and when and where it is happening.
Finally, reinforce her social relations. Have friends over for playdates. Having one good friend will make her feel much stronger and confident.
I hope this information helps. It breaks my heart to think of your little one being bullied because she believes in Santa. I hope she has the most wonderful Christmas.
Ana
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How Can We Stop Bullying in Schools as Parents?
Christmas and Mothers’ Mental Load
“Do you have any ideas on how to help a depressed mother? My daughter in law is struggling with her mental health and I’m worried it’ll affect my grandkids too”
As you very well know, becoming a mother is the biggest transition a woman will ever experience, yet no one really prepares us for it. No wonder your daughter in law is struggling!
Here are some ideas for you to consider:
- Giver her a hand: you can offer to do some of the housework, take your grandchildren out for a few hours so your daughter-in-law can do something she enjoys or send her some food, so she does not need to cook.
- I don’t know how your relationship is, but you could suggest her to see a mental health professional specialized in maternal mental health. Do get in touch with me if this is something you would like to explore.
- Be open about depression: sometimes it is difficult to open up and share how we feel. Tell her that it is OK to feel whatever she is feeling, that you won’t judge her, and that you are ready to listen.
- Really listen: ask her questions and listen to what she has to say. Show her how good it can feel to open up.
- Sometimes a person who is experiencing depression may reject any help. It is understandable for you to feel frustrated but to remain calm and accept that there is only so much you can do.
- Keep in touch: just a text or a quick call will remind her that you are there for her.
- I don’t know the age of your grandchildren but make sure you are there for them and let them feel listened and loved.
- Talk to your son: discuss how best to support her.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
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“my girlfriend is pregnant but i don’t know if I’m prepared, what are some tips that you have for a first time father?”
Having your first child can feel terrifying. After all, it is like jumping into a pool without knowing if the water is going to be very cold, very hot, with a strong current, calm, deep or shallow…. We basically jumpand hope for the best.
Having said this, here are a few ideas for you to reflect about:
- Knowledge is power. I don’t know if you are familiar with kids or not, but learning about child development and parenting will make you feel better equipped. The REC Parenting website is full of information and useful tools.
- Parenting, like everything in life is a skill. The more you practice it, the better you will become at it. There is no manual of how to be the perfect parent, we all learn as we go along.
- You won’t enjoy every single moment of being a father and it is OK. You may hate changing nappies, going to the park, or the endless nights. It is OK, not loving every single moment of it does not make you a bad person, weird, or a bad father. I promise you that most people feel that way even if they don’t say it aloud. Whatever you feel is totally fine.
- Don’t try to be the perfect father. The perfect father does not exist. Focus on having a close relationship with your child. Children need love and limits.
- Be prepared for your relationship with your girlfriend to change: Even the most solid relationships often struggle with the seismic shift that comes with introducing a baby into the family. Keep communicating with one another. Talk, talk, talk to each other so you both understand how you feel.
- Think about the mental load. The mental load is all the things that we need to do to keep our family and the house going. The mental load increases massively when we have a child, and it usually falls on the woman. Discuss how you are going to share it fairly.
- Becoming a parent means making many decisions. From sleeping arrangements, to whether you are going to breastfeed or not, how you will organize work and taking care of the baby, what kind of education you will choose…. the more in alignment you both are, the easier it will be.
I hope this information helps. I will leave you some more resources you may find useful and do not hesitate to get in touch if you want to discuss it further. I wish you all the very best.
Ana
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“Do you have any advice on how to end my relationship with my abusive long-distance mother? I don’t want to shut it down without any notice or discussion or understanding, I want to make this as gentle as possible for her, but I can’t keep going with this toxic relationship that’s emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and is only not physically abusive after I moved far away. I’m a 35 y/o woman and an only child to her as a single mother (and she sometimes says I’m her only reason to keep living), so I know this will hit her hard no matter what. Do you have any tips?”
I am very sorry to hear this. The best tip I can give you is to seek psychological therapy to help you work through all the negative emotions you have about your mother and to cut ties with her if this is what you really want.
I do not recommend you go through this process alone because although I can understand that this decision may be what you need, it will not be easy. People who go through this process may find space to heal but they often talk about feeling guilt, remorse, sadness, and relief. At the same time people often say that it is difficult to deal with the stigma associated with it. Cultural stigma (e.g., “But she is your mother, and you only get one”) is usually specially challenging for daughters who cut contact with their mother. You need support to process all these emotions.
I do not know the details of your relationship with your mother but before cutting ties with her, it may be worth exploring ways to work on your relationship. It may be that you take a contact break, you have limited contact, or that you work to set stronger boundaries.
Going “no contact” may be what you need but it will not solve all the deep feelings you have about your mother. You will still have a lot of very complex feelings to unpack, cultural stigma to deal with, and you may have family members who will not understand your decision. This is why I encourage you to get psychological support.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
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“I’ve heard of family therapy activities for relationship building, can this also work for kids and step parents and do you have recommendations or ideas? I want to build the healthiest relationship I can with my new stepdaughter”.
You are not the only one trying to make your blended family work. Statistics show that in US 65% of people are part of a blended family. I think it is great that you want to establish a good relationship with your stepdaughter, but I don’t think you need to engage in therapy activities or go to therapy to do so.
I do not know how your family situation is or your stepdaughter’s age, but my suggestion is that you build a relationship with her from a place of love, fun, and understanding.
Here are a few things that may help you:
- Start the relationship with no expectations. If you have any expectations (e.g., she will come to you for advice, you will go shopping together….) ditch them. The best thing you can do is to let the relationship develop organically and see where it takes you.
- Let her set the pace. Rushing things is never a good idea. Take your time getting to know her. Building a relationship with a stepchild is not an instant thing. Be patient.
- Invite her to participate in some of your hobbies and take an interest in activities she enjoys.
- Respect her relationship with your partner.
- Do not try to take her mum’s place. You can position yourself as a trusted adult. As someone she can come to for support and to have fun with. Never criticize her mum.
- A topic that is usually tricky amongst blended families is discipline. Agree with your partner on a discipline strategy. Many families have a system where the biological parent disciplines the child with the support of the stepparent.
At the end of the day, it is about finding out what works for your stepdaughter, your new partner and you. Communication is key.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
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“Do you think that social emotional learning activities are still beneficial for teenagers?”
In general, social emotional learning activities can be beneficial for teens. Having said this, if your teenager is doing well, there is no need to engage in specific activities. If your teen is sleeping well, eating well, doing well at school, exercises, spends time with friends and family, and has no issues with screen time, I would not feel the need to engage in any specific activity.
I hope this helps and I wish you both the very best!
Ana
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“My preschooler is out of control. he is 3.5 years old and won’t stop fighting with his older brother (5 years old) including punching, hitting, and kicking without provocation that I can see. It’s also started to become public meltdowns where he’ll lose his mind over nothing and I have to peel him off of the pavement and dodge his little fists as he screams so hard he stops breathing right. He’salways been so sweet, but not anymore. What on earth can I do? The doc says there’s nothing actually physically wrong and now my other kids and pets are starting to give him a wide bearth, I just feel like I’m failing.”
I would like to start thinking about you first: You are not failing. When our child shows difficult behaviours, it is easy to think that we are failing as parents but that is not it. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have. Try to let go of your guilt. As parents we all go through challenging periods.
Now let’s think about your child:
- You mention he is displaying this challenging behaviour at home. What about nursery or preschool? Is he displaying similar behaviour? Talk to his teacher to find out if you have not done so.
- Has something happened in his life? Have you gone through a divorce, have you moved homes, or had a new baby?
- If your child is behaving this way at home and at nursery, it could suggest that he is having trouble regulating his emotions. This is something very common for children his age.
- Whenever he hits his older brother gently tell him: “No, you cannot hit/scream/bite”. Tell him every time he behaves that way.
- Whenever he throws a tantrum wait for it to pass. Do not give in to whatever it is he wants because if you reinforce his behaviour, he will do it again. I know it can be incredibly difficult to watch your child scream and kick but it the best thing to do. Stay close, make sure he is safe, and wait it out. It is useless trying to reason with him once the tantrum has started because he cannot reason.
- Keep these strategies and be consistent. Consistency is key.
- It is likely that as your toddler gets better at speaking, he will no longer have the need to behave aggressively. Sometimes, toddlers behave aggressively because they get frustrated when they cannot convey their feelings and thoughts to us.
- Praise him. Children like to please their parents, so whenever he does something good, praise him and smile at him: “Look how well you have shared with your brother”; “You have helped me so much today”.
- Establish a consistent routine so your child knows when it is time to go to bed, have a bath, eat, and play. Children need clear boundaries and routines because it brings them security and stability.
- Finally, always remember your child is not bad or aggressive. It is only that sometimes he behaves aggressively.
I hope these strategies work. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss if further.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
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“Do you have tips on dealing with teenage behavior problems? He’s lying, screaming, sneaking out, etc. and just turned 14”
The teenage years can be tricky because your son is going through a process of individuation: he is separating from you, finding out his own identity, while at the same time his friends and peers become of vital importance. At the same time, school becomes more demanding, and they have to navigate body changes, romantic relationships… It is a lot!
I would first have a chat with him. Not about his behaviour but about his life in general: How is he finding it? How is he doing at school? How is he doing with friends? Does he have any worries? Is he happy at home? Try to listen and don’t rush to offer solutions if he is facing difficulties. As parents we want to solve things but sometimes our teenager just wants to be heard. Take his worries seriously even if they don’t seem important to you.
Now let’s tackle his behaviours. With the lying and sneaking out, ask him why he is doing it. With the lying, try to understand why the lie: did he lie not to get into trouble at school or was he for example, covering a friend? Tackle the reason for lying more than the lie itself. What about the sneaking out? Is he sneaking out because all his friends have a later curfew than him? What is he doing when he sneaks out? Where is he going? Have a chat with him about it to understand his motives and see how together you can get to an agreement where he doesn’t feel the need to sneak out and you feel he is respecting the limits and boundaries you are establishing. Remember that for a teenager to follow the rules, they must understand them.
With the screaming, every time he screams tell him: “I don’t think you have realized how much you have screamed and how awful it sounds. Why don’t you try to say it again?”. The louder he screams, the softer you should talk. Do not engage in a screaming battle, if you think you are going to lose it, just tell him you will continue the conversation when you both feel calmer.
Have a chat with his teachers to see how he is behaving at school and whether there are any issues.
Sometimes, when our teenagers behave this way it is easy to fall into a very negative relationship with him. Show him love, praise him when he behaves well, and spend time with him.
I hope this information helps. Do not hesitate to get in touch if you want to discuss it further.
I wish you the very best.
Ana
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“Advice for how to tell my kids that santa isn’t real? (eight and twelve year old boys)”
Research shows that most children start to figure out that Santa is not real around age 8. Most children come to this conclusion on their own when they realize the story is physically impossible.
Children report feeling better when they manage to find the truth by themselves. So, I would suggest that you let them be. They will figure it out sooner rather than later.
It could be that your boys many know but they choose not to tell you because they want to keep the magic going or because they think you will be sad once you know they know. By the time your child comes to discuss it, they usually have given it plenty of thought and are ready to face reality.
I wish you all the very best and a very merry Christmas!
Love,
Ana
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“my 7 year old is out of control – she is borderline abusive to me with her words and she also smacks me when I get too close and she’s angry, even when I’m trying to help her or even just hand her a tissue. Last week she punched at me when I just tried to walk past her out of the room to let everything settle and give space (she was rght by the doorway and I tried to skirt around but was too close still i guess). What do I do?”
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be very tough for you.
First of all, let me tell you that your daughter is having trouble self-regulating. She is not violent or nasty.
What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around her. This is how you do it:
- You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable.
- Do not be scared or anxious around her when she becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make her become more anxious and cause her violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what she does.
- Tell her that every time she is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what she likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not having playdates for a week. Or the consequence could be forcing her to do something, like taking the bins out every evening for a week or laying the table for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time she gets violent.
- Do not try to reason with her while she is in the middle of an angry outburst because she simply cannot focus on what you are saying when she is so dysregulated.
- At the same time, you need to help her learn to regulate her emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell her that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others. Then you need to give her alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could count to 10 while you calm down, you could go outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. You can work with her to find out which strategy works best for her.
- It is important that everyone that cares for your daughter (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.
- Tell her that you are going to always love her no matter what. That you are always going to be by her side.
It is also important that she has a consistent routine: she should get enough hours or sleep, follow a healthy diet, spends time outdoors, plays sports, and sees friends and family.
Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if she does not manage to regulate her angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatricianin case there is something else going on. I would also talk to her teacher to see how she is behaving at school: is she having violent outburst also in school? Is her academic achievement OK? Does she have friends and get on well with other children. If at school she is behaving OK, it suggests that she is able to regulate herself.
Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.
I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
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“I suppose this might be a wide question, but do you have advice on how to survive as a single mother? I am newly divorced and am finding it very difficult to mentally tackle the single-parenting load while also taking care of myself. Thank you!”
I am sorry you are finding this transition difficult. However, I am not at all surprised; parenting is tough, but single parenting is even tougher. I don’t know your specific circumstances but here are a few things I would like you to consider:
- You are going through a life transition. It may not be what you wanted but take it as an opportunity to think about how you want the next stage of your life to look like. To do this, it is a good idea to reflect on your values. You have many decisions to make regarding your own life and your child’s life, when you are clear on your values, making those decisions becomes much easier. When your values are clear, you don’t end up doing things just because everyone else is doing it. Or you don’t listen to advice that is not aligned with how you want to live your life.
- Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be the perfect mother: Our society has the idea that mothers need to be perfect. That we need to be able to do everything to the highest standard. Always be there for our children, never lose it, work as if we didn’t have kids and have kids as if we don’t have a job. This is impossible. Trying to be perfect will only lead you to burn out. Instead adopt the idea of the “good enough” parent. This idea was formulated by a psychologist called Donald Winnicott. It doesn’t mean neglecting a child it means knowing that as parents we will get it wrong sometimes and it is OK. Human relationships are not perfect and trying to be the perfect parent, gives your child the wrong idea of how social relationships work. A perfect mother cannot prepare children for an imperfect world.
- You must take care of yourself otherwise you will burn out and you will become resentful. And when I say that you need to take care of yourself, I mean that you shouldn’t lose your identity. To do this, it is key that you learn to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is not being selfish, it is a form of self-care. You need clear boundaries in this new stage of your life.
- You may not have a partner, but you need your tribe: we are not designed to be alone; we are social beings. We need people, and as parents we need a support system. It is very easy as a single parent to feel lonely; feeling lonely is not good for you or your child’s mental health. So, make sure that you make time for friends and family. This is not a luxury but a need.
- I don’t know what your custody arrangements are, but if your ex is present in your child’s life, it is a good idea to be as aligned as possible for the sake of your child and to share the mental load as much as possible. Creating a parenting plan is usually a good idea. Find more about how to create one and some templates here.
I coach mothers going through your same situation. I don’t have a magic wand to solve your problems, but what I do have are strategies that can help live your life in a way that aligns with your values and goals. Get in touch if this resonates with you and want to find out more.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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“My family Ramadan/Ramzan coming up, you suggest toddlers celebrating it too, as it involves fasting?”
My understanding is that children are not required to fast. Fasting is expected once children reach puberty, usually by the age of 14.
From a developmental perspective, I would not recommend your toddler to fast. First, he needs to drink and eat regularly. Second, a toddler is not able to understand what Ramadan is and why he cannot eat or drink.
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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“My eleven years old boy is finding it difficult to memorize for school information, I need help with at-home memory activities and strengthening exercises.”
It may be that your child has issues with his working memory. Here are a few strategies you can try at home to support him:
- Break it down: a simple school task may actually require a lot of working memory and your child may find it too daunting, causing anxiety. My recommendation is that you break up the task into smaller chunks to avoid cognitive overload.
- Use visual cues: he can for example, draw a mind up to help him memorize the topic, use flash cards, use post-its as reminders…
- Create a routine: every single evening after school, he could go over the different topics he has learnt at school. He should revise and improve his notes or practice exercises they may have done. Being consistent helps a lot.
- Use strategies that force him to use and retrieve the information he must learn: use quizzes, mock tests, ask him to explain the topic to you.
- Explain to your child how memory works: every time he uses the information he needs to memorize, the brain pathway gets stronger. Try to connect whatever he is learning with things in your everyday life. Watch a movie or read a book on the same topic.
I also think is worth talking to his tutor to see if they are seeing the same problem at school. If the problem persists and is affecting his academic achievement, it may be worth consulting a psychologist or your doctor. Supporting your child may be frustrating for you, reach out if you want support.
I hope this helps! I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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“What is the best way to train up a child? I grew up religious where this was a very important phrase but I want to not bring too much of my past into my present with my kids (ages 11 & 12).”
Let’s start by explaining what you mean by ‘train up’ a child for those who may not have heard the term before. To “train up a child” means to guide and teach them, instilling life skills, values, and morality so they can make good choices and grow into well-adjusted adults.
Regardless of whether you are bringing up your children religious or not, you can teach them values, provide them with a moral compass to guide their life, and equip them with life skills.
These are the best ways to do it:
- Be your child’s role model: children learn more from what we do than from what we say. If you want your child to be honest, you should be honest. If you want your child to be hard working, you should be hard working. If you want your child to help others, you should help others. Your children are constantly observing you. Do what you preach.
- Provide guidance: explain to your child why his behaviour is right or wrong.
- Praise good behaviour when your children behave well. For example, whenever they help a friend, tidy up their room, or feed the dog, tell them. Praise them. Children are more likely to repeat behaviours that you praise.
- Surround yourself and your children with people who share your same values.
- Follow your values: it is important you are clear about what your values are, and which values you want your children to learn. Sometimes, if we are not clear on our values, we may end up making parenting choices just because other people make them. Be clear on the values you want your children to learn, and make sure your behaviours and choices follow them.
- Establish a warm, loving, solid relationship with your children and provide them with limits, consistency and a routine. Children do much better when they have clear limits and a warm relationship with their parents.
Get in touch with me if you want to discuss if further.
I hope this information helps!
Regards,
Ana
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“When do babies start talking? I have been reading to my 4 m/o and showing her flashcards with words, spelling them out, etc. but I’m not sure how long it will take for her to start understanding/talking/trying to speak?”
Typically, children:
- Between 4 and 6 months, vocalize back when talked to and they can repeat sounds, such as ‘ooh’, ‘aah’, and ‘ba-ba’.
- Start babbling long strings of sounds like “bababababababa”, “mamamamamamama”, or “dadadadadada”, around 6 months of age.
- By the time they are 12 months they start saying single words (e.g., “dada“, “dog“, “water“).
- Around 24 months they start to put very simple sentences together (e.g., “more water”, “mummy more”).
Babies can understand speech before they can talk. Babies between 6 to 9 months old start to understand the meaning of simple words. This is followed by a comprehension of more complex words, simple phrases, and their own names, typically by the age of 12 months.
Keep doing what you are doing to help your baby develop his speech and communication skills:
- Sing
- Read books
- Tell him stories
- Point to objects (e.g., “look at the cow”)
- Respond to your baby (e.g., If he says: “ba-ba”, respond to him: “Oh you said ba-ba, ba-ba”). This interaction sets a foundation for communication.
- Describe your actions (e.g., “Mommy is washing your hair”),
- Use Infant Directed Speech (IDS) or ‘baby talk’. Babies love it and they prefer adults to talk that way.
Remember that not all babies develop speech and language on the same timetable. Some may go a bit faster, whereas others may be a bit slower. Keep an eye on your baby and if you ever think he may be falling behind his peers, talk to his doctor.
I hope this information helps!
Regards,
Ana
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“I know all of the rhetoric around vaccines lately but should i stop after my baby’s 15 month vaccines? My partner says they’re poison but I’m torn. Thx”
I understand you are worried about it but I really encourage you to keep vaccinating your child.
Let me tell you why:
- The idea that vaccines are harmful has been going around almost since the start of vaccines in the 1800s. The anti-vax movement grew stronger in the 1990s when Doctor Andrew Wakefield published an article linking autism with the MMR vaccine. That study was full of problems, so many that it was retracted a few years later. In 2010 Dr Wakefield was forbidden from practicing medicine.
- Since then, the anti-vax movement has spread much misinformation. They have blamed autism and other neurodevelopmental problems on vaccines; claimed that vaccine supporters are being paid off by pharmaceutical companies; and argued that other public health improvements have rendered vaccines unnecessary.
- The US anti-vaccine movement is especially strong now, partly because of the Trump administration spreading misinformation. As a result, there are outbreaks of measles in the US. Early this year, two unvaccinated children died of measles in Texas. According to the CDC the last time a child had died of measles in the US was in 2003.
- Are parents right choosing not to vaccinate their children? NO. There is NO evidence saying that vaccines are bad for your baby. On the contrary, it is estimated that in the past 50 years, 154 million lives have been saved by vaccines. There is plenty of evidence showing that choosing not to vaccinate your child places him at risk of contracting potentially deadly diseases.
- You should also consider that when you choose not to vaccinate your baby, you are putting other babies at risk. To give you an example, an 8-year-old named Liam died of Haemophilus Inluenzae Meningitis this year in Indiana. We’ve had a vaccine for this disease since the 1980s. Liam was vaccinated but many kids around him were not. Choosing not to vaccinate your child is not a personal choice that will only affect your child, it will affect other children. We need very high vaccination rates for diseases that have been almost eradicated not to come back. Measles, for example, is so infectious that each case leads to 12-18 additional cases. We require over 95% of the population to be vaccinated for all of us to be protected against measles. Vaccines have worked so well that we are forgetting they prevent our children dying from horrible diseases.
- The controversy around vaccines and autism is still strong. We have many long-term studies showing that there is no link between vaccines and developmental disorders or autism. For example, one study followed around 537,000 children for eight years after they received the MMR vaccine and found no links. It is true that you may find the odd study linking vaccines with autism or any other disorder, but one study does not mean anything. Specially, since very often studies showing negative effects of vaccines are poorly designed and have many problems. We need to look at the body of research, at the full picture, and not to the odd study.
Questioning things is good and necessary. It is good to be skeptical. What it is not good is to become so fixated on your own beliefs that you ignore what the scientific evidence says. Scientists question the evidence on vaccines every single day. After all that scrutiny, the evidence keeps on finding the same thing: vaccines are safe and effective. There is NO evidence suggesting that vaccines are bad for children. Vaccines are not poison. On the contrary, they keep our children safe.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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My 11- Month Is Very Fussy, Is It Normal?
How Many Word Should a 17 Month Old Say?
“my 2 year old waking up at night is really wearing my wife and I down. How do we handle this? She’s always been a good sleeper until now”
It is very common for children to go through sleep regressions or periods when their sleep gets worse. These ‘regressions’ happen not because of sleep per se, but because of different things happening in your child’s life.
These are some of the factors that could explain why your toddler is waking up more often:
- Learning a new skill like jumping, running, or using scissors… These changes may influence their sleep because they cause them to be overtired or too excited to sleep. It is not great for you but it is part of your child’s development. It is a natural part of your baby’s development.
- Becoming more aware of their surroundings which may cause them to be overstimulated.
- A growth spurt.
- Separation anxiety.
- Teething.
- Hunger.
- Being sick.
- Medical issues, such as reflux. If you are worried, always talk to your doctor.
You have two options. One is to keep doing what you are doing and wait until her sleep gets better or you could sleep train her. Sleep training is a very personal choice, some people are totally against it, whereas others see it as a useful tool to make their child sleep (and keep their own sanity). In this article, we explain what you need to know about sleep training.
I would also suggest that your wife and you organize shifts to get some sleep. It could be that you each are in charge of your daughter every other night. Or that, if possible, you have a nap after lunch.
One final thing, be careful if you end up consulting with any sleep ‘expert’. The sleep field is totally unregulated so please be very careful. At REC Parenting, we have sleep experts you can talk to knowing they are qualified and experienced. Get in touch with me if you want to have a consult.
I am sorry I cannot give you a technique that will make your child sleep instantly. I know how tough this stage of parenting can be. The only thing I can assure you is that it will pass. Your daughter will sleep through the night. I promise.
Related articles:
What Should a 2-Year-Old Know?
Developmental Milestones at 2-Years-Old
I hope this information helps!
Love,
Ana
“Please, when does the newborn stage get easier? How to survive a newborn??? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and i’m declining mentally.”
I see you, I understand you, I feel you. Nothing is as hard as becoming a mother. The sad truth is that no one really prepares us for it. Yes, people talk about the lack of sleep, not being able to take a shower alone, and not having time to even wash your hair. But becoming a mother is much more than that. Becoming a mother is the biggest transition women go through in their lifetime, yet in the Western world, we do not celebrate nor do we acknowledge it.
When we become mothers, we go through profound physical, hormonal, neurobiological, and identity changes. Our whole identity changes. You are not the same person you were before. Your body is not your body anymore, it changes and you may feel touched out and feel desperately in need of being alone. You have a human being totally dependent on you. To make things worse, people will tell you that you will bounce back and go back to normal. As if the physical, cognitive, and identity changes that becoming a mother carry, should not only not be embraced but buried under the carpet. You don’t need to bounce back, you don’t need to go back to who you were because your whole universe has shifted. You will never go back to who you were. So, ditch the pressure to bounce back.
This process of becoming a mother is called matrescence and it has been totally ignored until very recently. We are now beginning to understand how matrescence works, and I can tell you that the changes we go through when we become a mother are massive. Our brain changes to an extent that neuroscientists can determine if a woman is a mother, just by looking at the image of her brain. The changes a woman’s brain experience when she becomes a mother are only comparable to the changes the brain goes through during adolescence. MASSIVE.
This means that at this time our mental health can be very fragile. One in 5 pregnant or new mothers develop a mental health condition. Typically, we develop postpartum depression and anxiety but some women go on to having more serious conditions, such as postpartum psychosis.
You are going through a period of life that can be very hard. You need to take care of yourself. You need to pay attention to your mental health. You need to do it because you need to be strong to take care of your baby but also because you matter. If you would like some support during your matrescence, please get in touch with me. Simply understanding how matrescence works may help you through this process.
There are some aspects you should consider:
- Understand that becoming a mother is a deeply ambivalent experience: yes, you love your baby, but you may also be feeling sad, overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, angry, and everything in between. Whatever you are feeling is absolutely fine. There are no good or bad feelings.
- Do you have a support system? Do you have a partner, a mother, a sister, a friend, a neighbour…. That you can chat with and tell them how you feel? Is someone available to give you a hand with the baby or with the house? Try not to do it alone. Parenting was never meant to be done alone. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Becoming a mother is the most difficult thing you will ever do. If you don’t have a support system, consider if there are things you may delegate or automatize (e.g., taking the laundry to the dry cleaners, ordering food instead of cooking, having groceries delivered…).
- Share the mental load. If you have a partner, have a chat about everything that needs to be done now the baby is here and try to get to a point where you think you are sharing the load fairly. The mental load of mothers is very heavy and if you feel you are the one dealing with most of it, it may damage your mental health and your relationship.
- Don’t lose your identity. Don’t lose yourself in motherhood. It is very common for mothers to put everyone’s needs above themselves to the point of losing perspective of our own needs and feelings. Please, please, please convince yourself that taking care of yourself is not selfish. When you become a mother, self-care is child-care. Mothers don’t need to be martyrs.
- Let go of the idea of the perfect mother. You don’t need to be perfect. The perfect mother does not exist. Instead, adopt a good enough approach: you won’t get it always right and it’s OK.
- Learn about child development. In general, parents who know about it feel more confident and enjoy their parenting journey more. I am not saying you need a master’s in child psychology but knowing what is normal at what age, gives you peace of mind and allows you to adjust your expectations as to what the baby can or cannot do. At REC Parenting, you have over 250 articles on many different aspects of child development that will be useful.
- And finally, I promise you things will get easier. Being a mother, like any other skills, becomes easier the more you do it. Once you get the baby into a routine, it will get easier.
I hope this information helps. Please do not struggle alone. We are to support you.
I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
“Toddler pulling hair out assistance PLEASE! her little curls are nearly all gone and i don’t know what to do! she’s 3 years old”
There is a condition called trichotillomania that is diagnosed when a child has been pulling out their hair for enough time that there is significant balding or thinning. This condition is more common in children from the age of 10 and teenagers. It may also happen in young children and infants, although it is less common. In little kids, it is usually a short-lived concern and goes away on its own.
Young children such as yours, often pull their hair to soothe themselves. They usually grow out of this behaviour without any long-term consequences.
Whenever your daughter pulls her hair, do not give her a big reaction. Instead, try to redirect her attention. You can gently ask her to hold your hand or place her hand on a toy. You could also ask her to help you do something or ask her if she wants to read a book or build a puzzle together.
If the situation persists and you are worried, take her to the doctor.
I do hope this information helps. I totally understand it must be quite frightening and upsetting for you. I wish you both the very best.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
How to Teach Toddlers about Emotions?
Why Is my 3-Year-Old So Aggressive?
“Do you have any tips on dealing an autistic child as a non-parent?”
I am not sure if you are the child’s stepparent or if you are related to him in any way. In any case, my advice is that you educate yourself about two things.
First, learn about autism. Knowing about autism will make you feel more confident when dealing with this child. As in everything in life, information is power. At REC Parenting, we have a section on neurodivergent children with free resources. I also recommend the book “Differently Wired” by Deborah Reber. It is packed with evidence-based and practical information about autism and other neurodivergent conditions.
Second, no two children with autism are the same. Get to know this child. Learn what he likes and dislikes, what makes him happy and what makes him stressed, what he likes and hates to eat…
Finally, parents of neurodivergent children, such as this child you mention, usually find parenting much tougher. So, as much as you can, take care of them as well. Do not let them feel judged, accept their child as he is, and reassure them that they are doing a good job.
Related articles:
How to Support a 12 Year-Old with Autism and ADHD
How to Support Working Parents of Neurodivergent Children
I hope this information helps. I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Can infants eat too much? My daughter in law keeps trying to feed her baby (6 months) so so often and doesn’t believe me googling it and saying it can be bad.”
Yes, it is possible for babies to eat too much.
These are the signs a baby may be overfed:
- Fussiness
- Discomfort
- Gassiness
- A tight belly following feedings
- Vomiting: small amounts are normal, but frequent and large amounts may indicate they have eaten too much
- Loose stools
How to prevent overfeeding?
- Follow the baby’s cues: when a baby turns their head away, closes their mouth, plays with the food, or leans back in his highchair, he is probably not hungry any more.
- Offer less first: give him a few tablespoons of food. Watch for signs that they are still hungry or full.
- Don’t force them to finish
At 6 months of age, breast milk or formula continues to be the main source of nutrition for your grandson. Solid foods should be gradually introduced. Babies younger than 12 months of age should not eat: sugar, salt, honey, cow milk, tuna, shellfish, and swordfish.
The American Academy of Paediatrics states that 6 to 12 month old babies should have 5 to 6 feedings (7 to 8 oz per feeding) per day, plus 2 to 3 meals of solid foods. Ideally, you should trust the baby to eat as much or as little as they want.
It is important to gradually set a feeding routine. Regular mealtimes and snack times provide children with a routine. Children should not eat or drink continuously throughout the day.
It is important to pay attention to how much the baby is eating but we should also pay attention to what he is eating. Do not rely on store-bought jars and pouches. They should only be used occasionally. Babies should not suck from the pouch, as it can increase their risk of tooth decay. Babys should not be given snacks until they are 12 months old.
Always remember to check with the baby’s doctor if you are worried about how much of how frequently he is eating. The doctor will look at his weight, length, and overall development. Most likely, if the baby seems happy, is healthy and developing fine, he is probably eating well.
I hope this information helps!
Related articles:
A REC Parenting Guide to… Weaning a 1 Yeat-Old Child (and Older)
When to Introduce New Foods to a Picky Baby?
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How many words should a 17 month old say? I can’t decide if my daughter is behind the curve or not.”
There is no specific word count for a 17-month-old. The general milestone is that by 18 months, a child should say three or more words besides ‘mama’ or ‘dada’. This video gives you an idea of the speech level of most 18 month old babies. At 18 months, babies should follow one-step directions without any gestures, like giving you the toy car, when you say, ‘give it to me’.
There are other 18-month-old milestones:
Social/emotional milestones:
- Moves away from you but looks to make sure you are close by
- Points to show you something interesting
- Puts hands out for you to wash them
- Helps you dress him by pushing arm through sleeve or lifting up foot
- Looks at a book with you
Cognitive milestones:
- Copies you doing chores, like cleaning
- Plays with toys in a simple way, like pushing a toy train
Movement/Physical milestones:
- Walks without assistance
- Scribbles
- Drinks from a cup (although may spill sometimes)
- Feeds himself with his fingers
- Tries to use a spoon
- Climbs on and off a sofa without help
If your child is not meeting one or more milestones, has lost skills they once had, or you have any other worries, reach out to your doctor. Have a chat with them and ask for your child to have a developmental screening.
The American Academy of Paediatrics (AAP) recommends that children are screened using standardized validated tools at 9, 18, and 30 months or whenever a parent or provider is worried. It is also recommended that children are screened at 18 and 24 months for autism.
I hope this information helps. The key message to remember is to keep an eye on your child’s developmental milestones while remembering that childhood is not a race! Milestones are meant to be informative and not to create anxiety. If you think that your child is not hitting a milestone, talk to your doctor.
Related articles:
Developmental Milestones at 2 Years Old
What Should a 2 Year Old Know?
How to encourage my Toddler’s Speech Development
I hope this information helps! I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I want full custody of my son, but i’m a teen guy and I’m worried that i won’t have the emotional depth that a woman has, even though his mom is not wanting custody herself”
This must be a very difficult situation for you but the fact that you are here asking for advice shows that you want to do what is right for your baby.
Men and women are equally capable of taking care of children. It does not mean that just because you are a guy you will be worse at it than your baby’s mum.
What is difficult is being a teen dad. It is difficult because you are not fully grown, your brain has not finished developing, so taking care of a baby will be hard.
My advice is that you educate yourself about how children develop (e.g., how to feed him, how much they should sleep, what is ‘normal’ development….). Knowing about it, will make you feel more secure and confident about what you are doing. At REC Parenting you can find a wealth of science-based information about children’s development.
It is also very important that you have a support system around you: your parents, other family members, friends… you will need people to talk to, people to help you. It is also good for your baby to have other adults in his life that love him and take care of him.
Manage your expectations: the beginning will be hard, very hard. As you get the hang of it, things will become easier. It is important you establish a routine for you and your baby.
I don’t know where you live but you will probably experience people judging you and social stigma. Trust those whom you love and ignore the opinions and judgements of people not important to you.
It is also very important you take care of your own mental health. When parents struggle with their mental health, they are less able to take care of their children, they pay less attention to their children’s needs, and the quality of the family’s life gets worse.
Children who grow up with parents who struggle with their mental health, experience more stress. Growing up with a lot of stress is not good for children. So, make sure you feel strong to take care of your baby. Do ask for help if you are struggling. Struggling when caring for a baby does not make you a bad father or weak.
Have a think about how you regulate your own emotions. A big part of taking care of our children has to do with being able to regulate our own emotions. If you struggle to keep calm when you are stressed or experience frequent anger outbursts, seek help.
I leave you here some articles that I think will be helpful:
Do You Have Any Lone Parent Advice?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
Do reach out if you need support. I am more than happy to support you. I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Do you have advice on how to teach toddlers feelings and emotions in a way that they can understand?”
Your question is really important because emotional competence is a key skill for children to develop. There is plenty of research showing that children who are emotionally competent tend to do better in life.
A very important way in which children learn about it is by watching us. Children learn more from what we do than from what we say. So, if you want your child to manage his emotions effectively, he must watch you manage them that way. You child is more likely to keep calm under stressful situations if you are calm. If you totally lose your cool, he will also be more likely to lose it.
In general, it is a good idea to validate their emotions (e.g., “I can see you are upset”) but do not amplify them. The idea is to say something like: “I know you are upset, let’s see what we can do about it”, instead of: “I see you are upset, and you are right because this is horrible”). Do not belittle or ridicule their emotions (e.g., “Don’t be silly, there is no reason to cry”). Always praise him when he regulates his emotions well (e.g., “Look how welk you have done. You were angry with your sister but you managed not to hit her”). Children are more likely to repeat those behaviours that we reinforce.
The idea is that you teach your child the tools to manage whatever emotion he feels. The message is: whatever you feel it is OK (there are no right or wrong emotions), and you must express those emotions in a way that is appropriate (e.g., if you feel angry you can say it but you cannot hit).
Finally, remember that the idea is not for your child to avoid any uncomfortable emotions because under certain situations, like a new playdate, they are meant to feel some anxiety. The idea is for him to learn to manage whatever emotions he experiences in an effective manner.
Here are a few more articles you may find helpful:
My 3-Year-Old Meltdowns over Everything
Why my Toddler Says No to Everything?
Tips on Toddler Aggression: When to Worry?
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
