Psychologists Baumrind, Maccoby and Martin quoted the four main parenting styles based on the degree to which parents are responsive and set limits to their children.  

These four parenting styles⁽¹⁾ are: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, and Neglectful.  

Authoritative parenting is the gold standard of parenting. In contrast, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful parenting are not that good for children. 

In this article we are going to explore permissive parenting and how it relates to children’s development.  

What Is Permissive Parenting?

 Permissive parenting⁽²⁾ (also known as indulgent parenting) refers to those parents who are affectionate, warm, and responsive towards their children but do not demand much of them.  

Permissive parents want to be their children’s friends. They avoid conflict and do not enforce rules. They do not monitor their children, nor they provide guidance. There is a lack of boundaries and a lack of structure.

They are very responsive to their children’s needs, to the point that they are considered to be at their children’s beck and call.  

Their discipline style is inconsistent. One day they may punish their children for misbehaving at school, whereas another day the same behaviour may go unpunished.  

What Are the Effects of Permissive Parenting?

Children raised by permissive parents are more likely to:

• Be impulsive.  

• Not have a good academic achievement.  

• Have lower levels of emotional competence.  

• Show higher rates of school misconduct. 

• Show delinquent behaviour during adolescence. 

• Show deviant peer relations during adolescence. 

• Show internalizing (e.g., anxiety) and externalizing behaviours (e.g., aggression). 

• However, not everything is negative for children of permissive parents. They tend to have good self-esteem and good social skills⁽³⁾. 

How to Know if You Are a Permissive Parent? 

You are permissive if you tend to: 

• Let your child figure things out by themselves. 

• Let your child do chores whenever they feel like it.  

• Not know where your child is or who they are out with. 

• Let your child decide when to go to bed, how much screen time to have, or eat snacks whenever they want.  

• Do whatever your child asks you to do. From driving them to places even if it is inconvenient for you to buying them whatever they ask for.   

• Give in so they stop crying or complaining.  

Why Do Children of Permissive Parents Struggle to Regulate Themselves? 

Permissive parents do not tend to set clear rules and expectations, nor do they discipline their children consistently. This means that children have fewer opportunities to practice their regulation skills⁽⁴⁾ because they rarely experience frustration, disappointment, or anger.   

As parents, it is normal that we want to protect our children from experiencing negative events. But we must remember that they need to have opportunities to experience frustration, stress, and failure so they can learn to deal with them.   

Why Is Permissive Parenting Linked with Delinquent Behaviour? 

Permissive parents do not monitor their children well or not at all. Monitoring means to watch, supervise and be aware of our children’s activities. Children whose parents fail to monitor them are more likely to engage with the ‘wrong’ crowd and to engage in delinquent behaviour. Monitoring our children well is important, particularly during the teenage years⁽⁵⁾. 

The goal is to know what is going in your child’s life. If you are unsure about what monitoring your child means, think of it as: “Ask who, ask where, ask when.”  

Is It True that When Parents Are Stressed, They Become More Permissive?  

Parents’ stress⁽⁶⁾ influences their parenting. Stressed parents are more likely to become authoritarian or permissive. When you are juggling many balls, sometimes something has got to give. That may mean relaxing your parenting and becoming more permissive. For other parents, stress means that they have a shorter ‘leash’ and they become more authoritarian. 

Parents who can regulate their emotions when feeling stressed, are more likely to stay authoritative. In contrast, those parents who cannot regulate their emotions well, are more likely to become authoritarian or permissive when feeling stressed. 

This means that it is especially important for parents to be aware of their own emotional state and reflect on how it may be influencing their parenting, and their children.  

Does Permissive Parenting Work in Some Cultures? 

Extensive research shows that across cultures, the style that works best is authoritative. However, it is important to remember that there are cultural differences in parenting. There is some research suggesting that in Spain⁽⁷⁾, permissive parenting may be as good as authoritative parenting. However, it is not clear if these findings reflect real differences or if they are due to methodological differences in the research.  

I Am a Permissive Parent: How Can I Become More Authoritative? 

The good news for permissive parents is that you are already warm and caring, you just need to work on learning to set and keep rules and expectations. 

Here are four tips: 

• Create a set of rules: Think of the three rules that you consider most important. Explain them to your children and establish what the consequences are if they don’t follow them. 

• Set expectations: What are the values that you would like your children to have? Tell them what you expect of them and set expectations. 

• Let go of fear: Sometimes parents don’t want to set rules or high expectations because they are afraid that their children will stop loving them or that they won’t like them. Children need limits.

• Your child will never stop loving you because you set some limits and rules. They may not like you for a bit, but they will love you. We need to be our children’s parents as opposed to their friends. Our role is to guide our children and monitor them until they are ready to fly the nest.  

• Do not try to change everything at the same time: You do not need to set up a hundred strict rules overnight. Make realistic and attainable adjustments and keep going.  

• Seeking professional may be advisable. Our REC Parenting therapists are ready to support you in this journey. Get in touch here. It’s never too late to become the parent you want to be.  

What About Parents of Neurodivergent Kids? 

Unsurprisingly, parenting neurodiverse children is more stressful⁽⁸⁾ than parenting typically developing children. Parents of neurodivergent children are more likely to face extra challenges, such as financial pressure, difficult child behaviour, health problems, and unpredictable schedules (Neece & Chan, 2017). As a result, parents of neurodiverse children find it more difficult to be authoritative⁽⁹⁾. They are more likely to become permissive or authoritarian (Woolfson & Grant, 2006). 

What Is the Take-Home Message? 

Permissive parenting is not the best way to parent our children. Instead, try to be authoritative as much as you can. You are already a warm and caring parent. Focus on providing more guidance and structure to your child. At REC Parenting we are here to help with a wealth of resources and one-to-one support.   

Finally, remember that the perfect parent doesn’t exist! We need to try to get it right as often as we can. 

I hope you find this useful. If you have any queries or comments, get in touch with me or leave a comment below. We love hearing from you! 

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Kuppens, S., Ceulemans, E. Parenting Styles: A Closer Look at a Well-Known Concept. J Child Fam Stud 28, 168–181 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x 

⁽²⁾Wischerth, G. A., Mulvaney, M. K., Brackett, M. A., & Perkins, D. (2016). The Adverse Influence of Permissive Parenting on Personal Growth and the Mediating Role of Emotional Intelligence. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 177(5), 185–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/00221325.2016.1224223 

⁽³⁾ Rose, J., Roman, N., Mwaba, K., & Ismail, K. (2018). The relationship between parenting and internalizing behaviours of children: A systematic review. Early Child Development and Care, 188(10), 1468-1486. https://doi.org/10.1080/03004430.2016.1269762 

⁽⁴⁾Wischerth, G. A., Mulvaney, M. K., Brackett, M. A., & Perkins, D. (2016). The Adverse Influence of Permissive Parenting on Personal Growth and the Mediating Role of Emotional Intelligence. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 177(5), 185–189. https://doi.org/10.1080/00221325.2016.1224223 

⁽⁵⁾Hinnant, J.B., Erath, S.A., Tu, K.M. et al. Permissive Parenting, Deviant Peer Affiliations, and Delinquent Behavior in Adolescence: the Moderating Role of Sympathetic Nervous System Reactivity. J Abnorm Child Psychol 44, 1071–1081 (2016). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-015-0114-8 

⁽⁶⁾Aznar, A., Sowden, P., Bayless, S., Ross, K., Warhurst, A., & Pachi, D. (2021). Home-schooling during COVID-19 lockdown: Effects of coping style, home space, and everyday creativity on stress and home-schooling outcomes. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 10(4), 294–312. https://doi.org/10.1037/cfp0000182 

⁽⁷⁾Garcia, F., & Gracia, E. (2009). Is always authoritative the optimum parenting style? Evidence from Spanish families. Adolescence, 44(173), 101-131. 

⁽⁸⁾Neece, C.L., Chan, N. (2017). The Stress of Parenting Children with Developmental Disabilities. In: Deater-Deckard, K., Panneton, R. (eds) Parental Stress and Early Child Development. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-55376-4_5 

⁽⁹⁾Woolfson, L., & Grant, E. (2006). Authoritative parenting and parental stress in parents of pre‐school and older children with developmental disabilities. Child: care, health and development, 32(2), 177-184. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1365-2214.2006.00603.x 

Authoritarian parenting style is, with authoritative, permissive, and neglectful, one of the four traditional parenting styles. These four styles of parenting were first quoted by psychologists Baumrid, Maccoby, and Martin, after observing thousands of parents and children.  

Authoritative parenting is the gold standard of parenting. In contrast, authoritarian, neglectful, and permissive parenting are not that good for children.  

Let’s have a look at authoritarian parenting and how it relates to children’s development.  

Characteristics of Authoritarian Parenting  

Authoritarian ⁽¹⁾ parents are cold and demanding. Parents expect their children to do as they are told. Good behavior is always expected. Rules are strict, non-negotiable, and not clearly explained. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Children’s opinions and desires are not considered.  

When authoritarian parents discipline ⁽²⁾ their children, they don’t explain to their child why their behaviour was wrong. They use punishments and may get physical. They tend to be harsh and coercive. Parents may tell their children that they won’t love then anymore if they misbehave.  

Children Raised by Authoritarian Parents Are More Likely to: 

• Have mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. 

• Have low self-esteem. 

• Have poor social skills. 

• Show behavioral problems. 

• Do poorly at school. 

• Be hostile and rebellious towards their parents. ⁽³⁾ 

How to Know if You Are an Authoritarian Parent? 

You are authoritarian if you tend to: 

• Yell at your child when they misbehave.  

• Grab your child when they are being disobedient. 

• Scold and critize your child when their behavior doesn’t meet your expectations. 

• Say something like “because I say so” or “I am your parent and I want you to”, when your child challenges a rule. 

• Punish your child by taking privileges away (e.g., “You can’t have your phone for a week!”) with little or no explanation. 

• Not allow your child to have a say about family rules. 

I Recognize Myself in Many of the Things You Have Just Mentioned. What’s the Problem? 

If you are cold towards your child, they won’t feel loved. They may even feel rejected. It is important that children feel loved by their parents. This helps them develop a sense of self-worth, belonging, and safety. ⁽⁴⁾ 

Many parents say: “It’s my job to be tough with my child, but they know I love them.” There is no doubt that authoritarian parents love their children. But as parents we must realize that it is not enough that we love them. They must feel our love. It doesn’t matter that you see yourself as a loving parent if your child doesn’t feel the same.  

The second issue with authoritarian parents is that they don’t listen to their children. They don’t take their feelings and opinions into account. Therefore, children do not feel heard. They feel ignored. Their self-esteem may struggle because the message they are getting is that they are not worthy of being heard.  

I am not saying that you must always follow your children’s opinions. Families are a hierarchy, where parents are in charge. But it is important that our children feel valued and heard.   

I Am an Authoritarian Parent but Would Like to Become More Authoritative. What Can I Do? 

The good news is that we can change and improve the way we parent. It is not easy, but it can be done.  Here are some tips: 

• Try to be more authoritative:  The more authoritative you can be, the better for your child. Authoritative parents are warm and responsive. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. They take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. In turn, children tend to do well across all aspects of life ⁽⁵⁾.  

• Change your discipline style: Instead of yelling and using harsh punishments, try using logical consequences ⁽⁶⁾. These are consequences that directly address the behavior that the child should change or stop doing. For example, if your child leaves their bike in the middle of the driveway, the bike gets put away for an hour. If your child never puts their laundry in their basket, their clothes won’t be washed unless in the basket. This approach works much better than enforcing random, unrelated punishments.  

• Be mindful of your emotions: Very often when we become angry with our children is because we have lost our temper. Understand what your triggers are, so you can control how you respond to your child. Feeling angry towards your child is not a problem. The problem may be what we do with that anger.  

• Reflect on how you were raised: Were your parents very harsh with you? Did they use corporal punishment? Did you feel heard? Consider how it made you feel as a child and whether you want to raise your child in a similar environment, or whether you want to change. 

• Rather than trying to change everything at the same time, focus on changing specific behaviours 

• Seeking professional advice may be a good idea. At REC Parenting we have a team of parenting experts, ready to support you and your family. Get in touch here! It’s never too late to become the parent you want to be.  

However, Be Mindful that the Term ‘Authoritarian’ Doesn’t Mean the Same Across All Cultures. 

Parenting is influenced by the culture we live in. Authoritarian parenting is more common in non-Western cultures, and in ethnic minorities living in Western countries.  

Why? Because some non-Wester countries are collectivistic. Collectivistic cultures consider that the group is more important than the individual. An authoritarian parenting style seems to work better to get children to conform to values such as conformity, self-control, and humility, which are very important in collectivistic countries.  

Parents in these cultures may use guilt, shame and scolding to discipline their children. But contrary to what happens in the Western world, these practices are not linked with negative outcomes for children ⁽⁷⁾.  

Finally…. 

Authoritarian parenting is not the best for our children. If this is your style, don’t despair. It is never too late to become more authoritative. You can achieve it with the proper guidance, work, and persistence. At REC Parenting we are here to help you. 

And remember, the perfect parent does not exist. As parents we need to get it right more often than not.

I hope you have find this article helpful. As always, do get in touch if you have any questions or comments.

Much love,

Ana  

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Camisasca, E., Miragoli, S., Di Blasio, P., & Feinberg, M. (2022). Pathways among negative co-parenting, parenting stress, authoritarian parenting style, and child adjustment: The Emotional Dysregulation Driven Model. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 31(11), 3085–3096. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-022-02408-9 

⁽²⁾ Carroll, P. (2021). Effectiveness of positive discipline parenting program on parenting style, and child adaptive behavior. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 53(6), 1349–1358. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-021-01201-x 

⁽³⁾ Smetana, J. G. (2017a). Current research on parenting styles, dimensions, and beliefs. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 19–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.012 

⁽⁴⁾ Smetana, J. G. (1994). Parenting styles and beliefs about Parental Authority. New Directions for Child and Adolescent Development, 1994(66), 21–36. https://doi.org/10.1002/cd.23219946604 

⁽⁵⁾ Lavrič, M., & Naterer, A. (2020). The power of authoritative parenting: A cross-national study of effects of exposure to different parenting styles on Life Satisfaction. Children and Youth Services Review, 116, 105274. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2020.105274 

⁽⁶⁾ Robichaud, J.-M., Mageau, G. A., Soenens, B., Mabbe, E., Kil, H., Frenette, J., & Roy, M. (2024). Should parents combine reasoning with firm control to nurture adolescent socialization? comparing logical consequences with mild punishments. Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science / Revue Canadienne Des Sciences Du Comportement. https://doi.org/10.1037/cbs0000409 

⁽⁷⁾ Chao, R. K. (1994). Beyond Parental Control and authoritarian parenting style: Understanding Chinese parenting through the cultural notion of training. Child Development, 65(4), 1111–1119. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.1994.tb00806.x 

Parental burnout is not the ‘typical’ parenting stress. Feeling stress is ‘normal’, common and even necessary. 

Parental burnout is something else. It happens when parenting stress impedes parents to cope. When parents lack the resources needed to handle their parenting demands, they may develop parental burnout.

It is characterized by three main features: 

• Intense exhaustion: physical, emotional, or both.

• Feeling emotionally distant from one’s child.

• Feeling doubtful of one’ capacity to be a good parent 

Parents feel exhausted just by thinking about their role as parents. As a result, parents gradually detach from their children. They become less and less involved and in the end their interactions are limited to logistics and functional. Consequently, parents begin to feel that they are not good parents, and their relationship with their children is damaged. 

We can all experience these symptoms at some time. But when a parent is burnout, they experience them frequently and strongly. 

What Is the Difference Between Parental Burnout and Depression?

Parental burnout and depression can look quite similar, but they are different. 

Parental burnout is specific to the parenting domain. You feel exhausted when being with your kids. You don’t enjoy being with the kids. You find tough dealing with everything to do with the kids. In contrast, you are totally fine at work, you enjoy spending time with your friends, and you enjoy any hobbies you may have. 

Depression is more global. It’s all encompassing. You feel low. You feel tired. You feel uninterested across all aspects of your life.  

How Many Parents Experience Parental Burnout?

The research on parental burnout is quite new. 

Studies in 42 countries show that around 5% of parents experience parental burnout. In the Western world, this figure goes up to 8%. This is about 1 parent in every classroom.

Parental burnout is more common in Europe and the US. This is probably because these countries are very individualistic and because parenting has become increasingly demanding over the last 50 years. 

Parents of neurodivergent children are more likely to experience parental burnout. 

Both mothers and fathers can experience parental burnout. 

Who is More Likely to Experience Parental Burnout?

These are the parents who are more at risk:

• Those who aim to be perfect parents.

• Those who have difficulties regulating their emotions and their stress.

• Don’t have emotional or practical support from their coparent or who don’t have a tribe.

• Those who don’t have much knowledge about how to raise their kids.

• Those who have children with special needs.

• Those who work part-time or are stay-at-home parents

Why Does Parental Burnout Matter?

Parental burnout has been linked with: 

• Depression, addiction, and sleep problems.

• Thoughts of running away and committing suicide.

• Child neglect and child maltreatment.

• High levels of job turnover intention, and a decrease in job satisfaction.

• Conflict within the couple.

• A reduction of the quality of life and life satisfaction of the family members. 

I Think I Am Experiencing Parental Burnout… What Do I Do?

If you are struggling, and you suspect that you may be experiencing parental burnout, I highly recommend that you see a specialist. Our REC Parenting therapists are here to support you. You just need to get in touch with me here and we will organize the support your need.  Remember that taking care of yourself is taking care of your family.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

The four main parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful. Which one is yours?

Psychologists Baumrid, Maccoby, and Martin rated thousands of parents and children along two dimensions: warmth and demandingness. Based on those two dimensions they concluded that each parent falls into one of the four main parenting styles. Why are parenting styles important? Because they play a role in children’s development. 

Let’s have a look at them so you can decide the type of parent you are. 

Authoritative Parenting

These parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines. 

How does authoritative parenting influence children?

Children of authoritative parents are the ones who do best. These children tend to:

• Be well adjusted 
• Have good social skills
• Do well in school
• Have high self-esteem

Hundreds of studies show that authoritative parenting can be considered the gold standard of parenting. 

Authoritarian Parenting

These parents are demanding and cold. They expect their children to do as they are told. They set strict rules, and they tend be inflexible and rigid. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Parents expect children to do as they are told. 

When they discipline their children, they are harsh, use punishments and may get physical. They do not explain to the child why their behaviour was wrong. 

How does Authoritarian Parenting influence children? These children are more likely to:

• Have poor social relations
• Have mental health issues such as anxiety and depression
• Do poorly at school
• Have lower self-esteem

Permissive Parenting 

These parents are warm and responsive, but they don’t expect much from their children. They provide little guidance and direction. They want to be liked by their children, so they avoid conflict.  

 They do no set clear limits. They are not consistent in their discipline.  One day they may punish their child for not making the bed and the next day, the same behaviour may go unnoticed. 

How do permissive parents influence their children? These children are:

• More likely to have emotional and behavioural problems
• Less likely to do well at school
• More likely to have self-regulation issues

Neglectful Parenting (Also Called Uninvolved Parenting): 

These parents are not demanding nor responsive towards their children’s needs. They are simply not interested in their children’s lives. They don’t set expectations, nor they offer guidance, support, or supervision.  They offer shelter and food but that’s about it. 

They don’t discipline their children. 

How do neglectful parenting influence children? These children are more likely to:

• Struggle at school
• Lack self-regulation 
• Use drugs and alcohol
• Engage in delinquency and antisocial behaviour 

Children of neglectful parents are the worst off. 

Let me say something before we continue. You may have noticed that I use the words ‘tend to’ or ‘are likely’ quite a lot. This is because developmental psychology research cannot say 100% that something will happen, it can say that something is likely to happen. Let’s take the example of neglectful parenting. Studies show that children of neglectful parents are very likely to do poorly in life. Does this mean that all neglected children will do badly? No. There are neglected children who do well. We cannot categorically say that all neglected children will struggle, we can only say that neglected children are more likely to struggle. 

Let’s now answer some questions that parents often ask about this topic. 

What About Other Parenting Styles I Have Heard of?

You may have heard about gentle parenting, helicopter parenting, attachment parenting, laid back parenting, reflective parenting, natural parenting, and so many others! 

The reality is that most of these parenting styles do the rounds in social media and the press but there is not much (or any) scientific research backing them. 

There is some research on intensive parenting (or helicopter parenting) suggesting that it is linked with negative outcomes for children.

Do I Always Have the Same Parenting Style?

No. Your parenting style may change depending on what is happening in your life. For example, when parents are stressed maybe because they are going through a divorce or have been laid off at work, they are usually harsher with their children. So, a parent that is usually authoritative may become authoritarian. Be mindful of what is happening in your life to understand how you are behaving towards your children.

Many parents do not fit nicely into one category. They may be for example, mostly permissive with a bit of neglect. Like in everything in life, there are many shades of grey in parenting!

Do I have the same parenting style with all my children?

No. You may have different parenting styles with each of your children. This happens because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Parenting is a way two-street. Imagine that you have a child that is always happy, loving, and easy. It is likely that you will be authoritative with them. Now, imagine that your other child has always been difficult, is moody, and aloof. It is likely that you will be more authoritarian with them. 

This doesn’t mean that we love one child more than the other. It means that they are different people, and we react differently to them. 

Can I Change my Parenting Style?

Yes. Parenting styles can be changed. There are studies called ‘parenting interventions’ where parents are taught to become ‘better’ parents. I have good news: 

•  Parents can and do change the way the parent
• When parents become ‘better’ at parenting, their children do better 

With the right support and commitment, we can become the parent we want to be more often than not. Remember that the perfect parent doesn’t exist, and our children don’t need a perfect parent. What they need is that we get it right most of the time. 

If you want to change aspects of your parenting that you are not happy with, our REC Parenting therapists are here to support you. 

What if my Partner Has One Parenting Style and I Have Another?

This is a common issue but there is not a lot of research about it. The ideal situation is one where both parents (or at least one) are authoritative.

If you have two different parenting styles, remember that you and your partner want what is best for your child, even if you disagree about what the ‘best thing’ looks like. Try to find some common ground. 

Does Culture Influence Parenting Styles?

Very much so! We raise our children to fit in the society that we live in. Different societies have different values, beliefs, and traditions, so, parenting is not the same across all cultures. 

Authoritative parenting is more common in Western countries. In contrast, in collectivist countries parents tend to be more authoritarian. 

What About Parenting Styles for Parents of Neurodivergent Children?

Like all children, neurodivergent children, benefit from authoritative parents. However, these parents may find more difficult to be warm and responsive towards their children because raising neurodivergent children brings its own challenges. 

It is particularly important for parents raising neurodivergent children to take care of themselves and find a support system. 

My Final Message

As parents we are inundated with tips and advice. Just remember one thing: Try to be an authoritative parent as often as you can. You won’t get it always right, and that’s OK. Our children don’t need us to get it right all the time. They need us to get it right more often than not. That’s… about it. 

I hope you find this article helpful. As always, if you have any questions or comments, get in touch with me.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Typically, women receive all the attention and medical care while pregnant. But once the baby is born…. All the attention and medical care goes to the baby, leaving the new mother more or less ignored.

Indeed, a new report just published shows that only 23% of mothers said they felt very supported by their healthcare provided during the postpartum phase. 

This is a big mistake! Women need attention during the postpartum period, also known as the fourth trimester. This 12-week period after birth brings great joy, but it’s also a very vulnerable time. 

Why? Because new mothers experience so many changes: their body changes, their emotions may be overwhelming, their relationship with their partner changes, they are not “free” anymore, they may be sleep deprived, they may feel isolated…. Basically, a new mom’s whole universe shifts. New mums need support.

It’s no wonder that 1 in 5 new mums are affected by mental health issues. The most common ones are postpartum depression and anxiety. Other women experience more severe conditions such as perinatal psychosis, PTSD, and mood disorders. 

Many women do not experience any mental health issues but need support getting used to their new reality. Having a child is a deeply transformative experience. 

One common issue that new mothers experience are infant-harm related thoughts. What are these? They are thoughts of unintentionally or intentionally harming the baby. They may come in form of:

• thoughts (e.g., “My baby might die”)

• impulses (e.g., having the urge to shake or throw the baby”)

• images (e.g., a mental picture of the baby’s head hitting the wall)

These thoughts are incredibly common among new mothers. It is estimated that nearly all new mothers have them! Yet, we don’t discuss them even though they make us feel horribly uncomfortable, guilty, and ashamed. 

Fathers can also have these thoughts. There is not a lot of research on this, but it is estimated that 2/3 of dads experience them. 

It is very important to note that having these thoughts does not usually mean that these mothers or fathers represent a risk to the baby. The fact that they feel horrified when having these thoughts, is a strong sign that they are not going to hurt their baby. 

However, the emotions that these thoughts provoke can be very powerful and disturbing and therefore getting support is advisable. For some people, it may be enough to discuss it with a close friend or relative. Others may need professional support. 

One of our goals at REC Parenting is to support mothers’ mental health during the fourth trimester. This is why we have a masterclass (you can also listen as a podcast) with Dr Caroline Boyd talking about infant-harm related thoughts. Caroline is a renowned clinical psychologist, and the leading expert in this field. Her masterclass is incredibly informative, empathetic, and full of applicable tips.

If you are expecting a baby or recently had a baby, I really encourage you to watch or listen to this masterclass. If you know anyone in this situation, do let them know about it. I promise that you won’t regret it.

To get access to this masterclass, you need to subscribe to REC Parenting. Your subscription will gives you access to our:

• 1-2-1 support 

• library of masterclasses 

• blog and toolkits

• special events

The good news is that to celebrate our partnership with Family Education, we are offering a 20% discount on our Crawling, Walking, and Running Plans. The discount code is: FAMILY EDUCATION.  

Come and join us! Parenting is the most important job you will ever do, why not do it from a place of research and support?

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to get in touch with me: ana@recparenting.com

I would love to hear from you. And remember to submit here any questions you may have about anything parenting. We will reply to them in next week’s Q&A email. 

Love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Screens and children’s mental health have been on the news a lot these past few days. Partly because of a few parent-led initiatives calling for smartphone-free childhood, and partly because of psychologist Jonathan Haidt’s new book: “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness”. There is a lot of contradictory information on this issue and at the same time it is an issue that deeply worries parents, so I thought we could dedicate this week’s blog to clearly explain what we know so far about it. 

Are Smartphones to Blame for Children’s Mental Health Problems?

Since the early 2010s children’s mental health has sharply declined. Data from the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, and other industrialized countries show how rates of anxiety, depression, and self-harm are higher than in any other generation for which we have data. 

The decline in children’s mental health coincided roughly with the arrival of smartphones and so it is easy to assume that one causes the other. However, the research doesn’t paint such a clear picture: 

• Most research finds a relation between smartphone use and children’ mental health but most of it is correlational. What does this mean? It means that a relation is found between smartphone use and children’s mental health, but we cannot assume that smartphones are the cause for children’s poor mental health. Remember: correlation doesn’t mean causation. 

• This relationship tends to be weak.

• Not all studies find a relation between smartphone use and children’s mental health.

What Other Factors May Be Influencing the Decline of Children’s Mental Health?

• Intensive parenting: In the last few decades, parenting has become much more labour-intensive. This way of parenting requires parents to spend a great deal of energy, money, and time on their children’s well-being. Yet, research suggests that intensive parenting is not beneficial for children. It may lead to children feeling less competent, feel more depressed and more anxious. 

• An increasing competitive society: children and teenagers report how academic pressure is worsening their mental health. 

• Less outdoor, unsupervised play: Children are spending less time than ever before engaging in unsupervised, outdoor play. Outdoor play is especially beneficial for children because it allows them to experience challenges, understand risk, build confidence, resilience, and independence. 

How Worried Should I Be About How Smartphones and Social Media Will Impact my Child?

There are three factors that we should consider: How children use the phone; the things children stop doing because they are using their smartphone; and who your child is.

Let’s have a look at each one of them. 

• How children use the phone: For many years, researchers and parents have been more focused on how much children use their phones than on how they use their phones. We should really focus on how they use their phones. It is not the same if your child spends two hours chatting or playing a video game with their friends than if they spend the same two hours watching porn or engaging with content that may be harmful. 

• What your child’s screen time is preventing them from doing: If your child is not exercising, going out with friends, spending time with their family or studying because they are with the phone, we may have a problem in our hands. As with most things in life, moderation is key. 

• Who your child is: It is difficult to know how each child will respond to using a phone or social media. In general, we can say that children who struggle offline are more likely to struggle online. To give you an example, children who engage in more risky behaviour offline, like drinking alcohol or having sex, are more likely to engage in more risky behaviours online, like watching porn or sexting. 

We tend to focus on the dangers that being online may bring to our kids, but for many kids it may be a lifeline. Think of children who may be marginalized in their ‘real life’ because of their sexual orientation, political beliefs, or maybe for being neurodivergent. There is evidence that these children may find a community online and that can be immensely beneficial for them. 

What Is the Bottom Line?

Smartphones and social media have risks as well as benefits. From the research available, we can’t blame the decline of children’s mental health solely on smartphone use. Doing this is too simplistic and puts a lot of fear and pressure on already pressured and scared parents.

Screen use (as long as the content is age-appropriate) is not inherently bad. Ideally, we want to find a balance where our children can use their screens, play indoors and outdoors, do their homework, and spend time with friends and relatives. Like everything in life, moderation is key. 

In summary, keep screen time in moderation and select content wisely. Be aware of your child’s ‘online life’ so you can help them to deal with the risks that it brings. Let’s be involved in our children’s lives: whether it is online or offline. 

I hope you find this information useful. As always, if you need more support, please contact your REC Parenting therapist. Email us if you have any questions or comments.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Is Anxiety Always Bad?

No! We are going through a period where we think that we should never feel anxious, or angry, or sad. Moreover, we want to protect our children, so they never feel anxious, angry, or sad. The problem is that by doing this we are pathologizing normal human experience. There are situations, such as when we have an exam, that feeling some degree of anxiety is good because it motivates us to revise. There is such a thing as healthy anxiety. We must not avoid feeling negative emotions because sometimes it is what we are meant to be feeling. Negative emotions are adaptive. 

Because they are growing up with this mindset, many children and teenagers assume that all anxiety is bad, so it is a good idea to have a chat with your child about what healthy and unhealthy anxiety look like. Feeling anxious when you have a test tomorrow is healthy.  However, it is true that sometimes we may experience too much anxiety.

How Do We Know When a Child Is Too Anxious? At What Point Does Anxiety Become Unhealthy?

Anxiety appears when we worry about something that is going to happen, such as an exam, a presentation, a visit to the doctor… It is totally fine to feel some anxiety when faced with those situations. However, there are two situations that should worry us if they are happening to our child. One, your child is constantly feeling anxious even when there is no apparent reason for it. Two, when faced with a challenging situation, such as an exam, the level of anxiety that your child is experiencing is paralyzing them and they cannot function well. In both cases, it is a good idea to explore what is going on and to consider seeking professional advice. 

My Child Is Feeling Very Anxious Because of the Exams, What Can I Do to Support Them?

• Have a chat to make clear that they understand that anxiety is a healthy emotion and that there is nothing wrong with feeling anxious as long as they can manage it. 

• Help your child develop a growth mindset. Often we say things like: “I am an anxious person and that’s it” and while it is true that we may have a tendency to anxiety, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t anything we can do to fix it. So, it is important to tell your child: “Yes you are anxious, but you can work on it. There are ways to deal with the anxiety”. On this note, have a chat about which influencers they are following on TikTok.  For some their anxiety diagnosis (or their self-proclaimed diagnosis) has become part of their identity. Your child may be imitating them even without realizing they are doing it. 

• Consider the message you are giving when discussing exams. Research shows that children react badly when the message is focused on the potential negative outcomes. For example, when we say things like: “If you don’t work hard, you will not get into a good university”, children feel threatened, and this increases their exam anxiety. It is better to point out the benefits of hard work rather than the outcomes of failure. 

• Create a new habit: Encourage your child to write down their emotions before each exam. I know this sounds silly but there is research showing that by doing this, children get their worrying thoughts out of their system, and they do better in the exam.

• If your child is feeling very anxious, help them to shift their focus: encourage them to think about something else. Ideally, something that they find comforting. It might be something they like doing, a place they love, a pet, or someone they like. Encourage them to think about this, whenever they feel panicky. 

• If your child has a moment when he is feeling very, very anxious, create a sensory experience to help them snap out of it. Give them ice cubes to hold, ask them to rub an ice cube against their face or arms, or tell them to have a cold shower. When a child does these, they get distracted from the anxious feelings and thoughts they were experiencing. 

• Finally, the old ones: Encourage exercise, a healthy diet, enough sleep, and less screen time. I know, I know, that you have heard these a thousand times and so has your child but there is a reason why all experts keep on repeating them: They work. If your child is not impressed nor amused, why don’t you act in all or some of them, as a family? You may even create a family challenge with fun rewards. 

These All Makes Sense But Can You Please Explain Why Even Though my Child Feels Very Anxious About his Upcoming Exams, He Doesn’t Revise!

Sometimes when we feel anxious about something, we avoid it altogether! And we end up making it worse, which only makes our anxiety go through the roof. In the case of the exams, this may lead to procrastination, they revise less, and this increases their fear of failing and of the exam itself. 

If this is happening, your child may need some support to organize themselves. Help them to do a realistic timetable, create a revision strategy, and help them to stick with it.  

My Child Says that No Matter How Hard He Tries, He Will Fail

 When children have the idea that they will fail no matter how hard they try, rather than telling them that everything will be OK (because it may not), tell them that you will love them no matter what and that if things go wrong, they will be able to cope, and you will be there for them. 

Also, challenge these negative self-beliefs. Why do they think they would fail no matter what? What evidence is there? Have they always failed? When we use all-or-nothing statements such as ‘never’, ‘no one’, ‘a 100%’, ‘always’, we are referring to a fantasy, a familiar belief that needs to be challenged and changed.  Encourage them to change these beliefs with positive ones: “If I work hard, I have more chances of doing well than of failing”. 

Finally, Consider that Like Viruses Our Emotions Are Socially Transmitted

Social emotional contagion is a well-known phenomenon by which emotions spread from person to person within a peer group. Anxiety is contagious. So, if your child’s friends’ group is feeling very anxious, it is likely your child will also be anxious. This is especially relevant for teenagers, because they are very sensitive to peer influence and they find it especially hard to regulate their emotions. If your child thinks that their friends are making them feel more anxious, suggest that during the exam period, they reduce the time they spend together. You may also discuss it with their tutor to see if they are willing to do some group techniques to help deal with anxiety. 

OK, You Have Talked About my Child’s Anxiety But What About my Own Anxiety

It is totally normal for you to feel anxious before the kids have their exams. Indeed, research shows that we are feeling more anxious as a society. As a parent, it is important to bear in mind that we pass on our anxiety to our kids, and this is one of the reasons why anxiety is also more common now in kids. The issue is that a lot of what we pass on to our children, we do so without even noticing. Even if we don’t explicitly tell our children how anxious we are feeling, they notice because they pick up on the way we talk, our behaviour, facial expressions and so on. If you are feeling anxious use the same techniques that we have just explained. 

One last thought. We live in a society where intensive parenting is the norm. Very often, parents rate their own level of self-worth by their kids’ academic achievement. Let’s remember that this is not the case: however incredibly, OKish, or poorly your child does in their exams, it does not define who you are as a parent or as a person. Exam results are only a snapshot of your child’s knowledge and understanding of specific topics at a certain point in time. Just that. 

I hope you find this article useful. We are running workshops on this topic across schools and companies. If you are interested in booking one, please get in touch with us. If your school or workplace won’t do it, email me anyway and we can run it for a group of your friends (maybe with a glass of wine?). We wish your child all the best of luck in the exams! 

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Smacking Children: What the Research Says

The topic of whether it is OK or not to smack children is highly controversial. Some people think that it is totally unacceptable, whereas others see it as a perfectly acceptable discipline technique. So, today I want to look at the data on this topic with the aim of opening up a conversation on this highly divisive subject. Rest assured that I am not trying to shame anyone. Stick with me! 

Before we move on, let’s clarify what we mean by ‘smacking’: Hitting a child with an open hand on the buttocks, legs or arms with the intention of modifying their behaviour.

First Things First: How Many Parents Actually Smack Their Children? 

As usual, most of the data available comes from the US.  Eighty per cent of parents in the US report smacking their children, although this number is in decline. Nearly 1/3 of parents in the US who report spanking their child, do so every week. Around the world it is estimated that 63% of children aged 2-4 (this is 250 million children) experience corporal punishment on a regular basis. 

When asked about attitudes towards smacking a You Gov poll conducted in the UK in 2022 showed that of 3,000 adults asked, 68% said that physically disciplining a child is not acceptable and 64% backed that England should illegalize it.  As you can tell, attitudes are still pretty divided. 

Why Do Parents Smack Their Children? 

Many parents still think of smacking as a useful parenting tool, maybe that is how they were raised, and they don’t know any other way to discipline their children. Other parents use the argument of “I was hit as a child and I’m fine!” (sounds familiar?).   Child therapist Justin Coulson wrote a great piece in the New York Times where he outlined the errors of this argument. To me the most compelling is that when we use this argument, we are supporting it on our experience alone and ignoring everyone else’s experience. It is similar to saying “I got totally wasted last night, walked half-naked around the city, and I am fine!” Do we think it is safe or wise to get wasted and walk around half-naked? Would you recommend it to others? Just because I was not negatively affected (as far as I can tell), it doesn’t mean that it will be fine for everyone else.  Also, how do we determine being “fine”? We are in a relationship? We have a job? Just because we cannot recognize the harm in something does not mean harm is not present. 

OK, So What Does the Research Say? How Bad Is It Really to Smack a Child?

There are over five decades of research on this topic with over 160,000 children. The bottom line is this: there is not ONE SINGLE study that has found that smacking children is good for them. Most studies find that smacking is negative for children and a few studies found no negative consequences for children. So, at worst smacking has negative effects and at best it has no effects but what is clear is that it does not have any positive effects. 

The negative effects found on children who are smacked are quite a few:  they are more likely to be aggressive, develop behaviour problems (e.g., bullying), show mental health problems (e.g., depression), get on worse with their parents, are more rebellious, and have a higher risk of being physically injured and of being abused. 

Yes, But… Do All Researchers Agree with this Summary?

Most researchers in this field agree with what I have just explained, but a very small minority are not that convinced. Why? The truth is that examining smacking is not that easy. The best way to examine the effects of any parenting behaviour on children’s development is to do experimental studies. How would this look in the case of smacking? We would take two groups of parents and children: over a period of time, one group will smack their children and the other one will not. We would then measure children’s outcomes. As you have guessed, this kind of experimental research is totally unethical and it’s never going to happen (thankfully). Therefore, we need to rely on correlational and intervention studies that use observations and parents’ and children’s reports. 

Critics also say that smacking has been analysed together with more extreme types of physical punishment (e.g., kicking or hitting) and that it is very different to smack a child than to kick them or seriously hurt them. It is true that early researchers did analyse together many different forms of physical punishment but more recent research has analysed smacking on its own, and the findings still stand: Smacking is bad for children although not as bad as other more severe types of physical punishment.

This type of research is not perfect, but it is the best we have. And when decades of research with a sizable number of parents and children consistently show that it is bad to smack children, we can say pretty confidently that we should not smack children. 

I Buy Your Argument but Sometimes It Seems that Smacking Is the Only Way my Children Will Listen. If I Don’t Smack, How Do I Discipline my Children?

The aim of discipline is to make our children understand why what they did was bad. Smacking our child does not achieve this, instead we are scaring our children. When we smack our children, they may stop doing what they are doing but not because they understand that what they are doing is wrong but because they are afraid of us, and they want us to stop. 

Rather than smacking your children, try explaining why their behaviour was wrong. And be consistent, try to explain it every time they behave that way. After many repetitions, they will get the message. Punish your children but try using “connected consequences”. What does this mean? If the rule in your house is that your child has to place the dirty clothes in the hamper but instead they leave them on the bathroom floor, rather than telling them that they cannot play video games for a month, use a connected consequence. Tell them that clothes that are not in the hamper, will not be washed and therefore they won’t have clothes to play sports or go out with their friends. By doing this, they are getting a negative consequence for their actions and at the same time you are directly addressing the issue. 

Finally, remember that when we smack a child it is usually because we have lost our patience. So, if we want to use better discipline techniques, we need to work on ourselves. Learn what your triggers are and the techniques we can use to stop us from losing our patience. Remember that feeling anger towards our children is not a problem, what may be a problem is what we do with this anger. If you feel that you lose your temper more often that you would like, do get in touch with your REC Parenting therapist, this is definitely something they can help you with. Does this mean that we will always get it right? No, we are human, and we will lose it sometimes, the important thing is that we get it right more often than not. 

We hope that you have this information useful. Do get in touch with us if you have any questions or comments. 

Much love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

I have been meaning to write about sharenting for a while because it has become more relevant over the past few years. It will continue to do so as we live more and more of our lives online. 

Sharenting refers to the practice of a parent to regularly use social media to communicate detailed information about their child on social networks like Instagram, Facebook, X (formerly Twitter), and WhatsApp.  This can include photos, videos, personal stories, and other updates about the child’s life. The term ‘sharenting’ was coined by Wall Street Journal writer Steven Leckart in the early 2010s. It was included in the Oxford English Dictionary in 2022. 

Let me give you some figures to understand how prevalent sharenting is:

• According to the UK communications regulator, 56% of parents have shared information online about their children. Half say they share photos of their children at least once a month. It takes just 57.9 minutes after birth for parents to share their newborn’s first photo. 

• Parents share an average of 300 pictures of their child online every year. The average parent will post 1,500 pictures of their child online before the age of 5. 

• 80% of children have an online presence by the age of two but in many cases the sharing starts even before the baby is born with expectant parents sharing images of their unborn children (AVG Technologies, 2010). 

Parents share information online about their children with good intentions. They mostly want to keep their family and friends well informed while others report using social media as memory storage. Unfortunately, sharenting has a dark side that parents should be aware of.

These Are the Main Points that You Should Consider Before Sharing Information Online About Your Child

Your child has a right to privacy.

What content are you sharing? Sharing embarrassing, traumatic, or intimate information about your child may mean that you are breaching your child’s right to privacy. Your child may still be little but they will grow pretty quickly, and they may be shocked and resent you for having shared intimate information about them. A study conducted by the University of Michigan found that 56% of parents shared (potentially) embarrassing information about their children online. 

Have you heard about digital kidnapping or baby role-play?

It is when strangers steal images of your baby or child, give them a new name, and claim them as their own. They create fake families and storylines. Some of these fake accounts are run by teenagers and tend to be quite harmless. However other accounts use them to create sexual or abusive storylines. Instagram’s policy is to remove those accounts as soon as they know about them, but it is still happening.

Be careful about online child predators. 

Any photo that you post of your child may be manipulated and end up on paedophile websites. Even the ones you think are very ‘innocent’. Think that not everyone is looking at a picture of your child through the same lens. According to the FBI, there are 500,000 online predators active each day and they all have multiple profiles. It is estimated that police forces find thousands of indecent images of children online every day. Your child could also fall victim of ‘sextortion’: predators manipulate photos, for example, making a photo of a child in a bathing suit appear nude. The predator then shows the photo to the child threatening to release it, if the child doesn’t send them more photos of graphic nature or give them money.

You are affecting your child’s digital identity. 

Your child may not be able to erase the information you have posted about them. Consider that any content you post online no longer belongs to you. That information is no longer confidential and can be used by anyone. It has the potential to be accessible forever. Whatever you disclose about your child online will follow them into adulthood and they may not be able to delete it even if they want to. This information may influence how others perceive your child and affect their future employment prospects or their social standing. Essentially, you are not allowing your child to narrate their life as they want. 

Sharenting may affect your child’s current and future sense of self and well-being.

 There is not a lot of research about this but posting content that is humiliating or embarrassing for your kids may be negative for their self-esteem and self-image. Some psychologists and educators are even considering it a form of child abuse, especially in the case of influencers who use their kids as content on social media. Part of growing up, is to understand that there are aspects of our lives that are private and others that are OK to share with others. When parents share a lot of intimate details about their child, that child’s perception of boundaries can become blurred. Growing up thinking that nothing is private may have negative consequences for your child.

 

Consider the effect that sharing private information could have on the relationship with your child. 

Will your child trust you if they think you may share whatever they tell you? This is what happened to Gwyneth Paltrow when her then fourteen-year-old daughter publicly criticized her for oversharing. 

Here Are Ten Tips to Consider Before Posting About Your Kid

1. Familiarize yourself with the Privacy Policies of the sites where you share. For example, Facebook and Instagram reserve the right to use your photos. Always use the strictest privacy setting the platform allows.
   
   
2. Set up notifications to alert you when your kids’ names appear in a Google search result.
   
   
3. Curate your follower list. Ideally, you should only allow people you know and trust.
   
   
4. If you are going to share, consider doing it anonymously.
   
   
5. Be mindful when sharing your child’s location and ideally don’t do it. When you share their location, the risk of your child being targeted by online predators increases. 
   
   
6. Once your child is old enough, allow them to veto and have a say in what you can and cannot post.
   
   
7. Do not share pictures showing your child in any state of undress, with their mouths open, in their underwear or a swimsuit. Do not post photos of your child in a suggestive position, even if you think it’s cute or funny. 
   
   
8. Consider that anything you share has the potential to go viral and affect your child and your whole family. 
   
   
9. Be careful when posting pictures or information about other children. It may be considered a violation of their privacy unless you ask their parents for permission. 
   
   
10. Always pause and think before you post. Ask yourself whether you would share that information with a random stranger, whether your child would be OK with it when they read it in years to come, if you are protecting their privacy, and whether it can be used by predators. 

I hope you have found this article useful. Let me finish by saying that the aim of this article is not to make you feel bad in case you usually share information about your kids. My only aim is to give you the latest research on this topic so that if you decide to post pictures of your child online, you do it safely. 

If you have any questions or comments, please get in touch with us.

Much love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

A very common question that parents ask is how bad divorce really is for their kids and whether it would be better to stay together for their sake. Let’s explain what the research says on this topic so that you feel more confident if faced with this situation. 

How Bad Is Divorce for Children?

In general, research finds that children of divorced parents are more likely to experience short- and long-term problems than children who don’t experience divorce. Some of these problems include depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and poor social relationships. Children of divorce are also more likely to experience a decline in their academic achievement and are at higher risk of dropping out of school, engaging in delinquent behaviours, using drugs, and ending up getting divorced themselves.

However, if you are divorced or are about to get divorced, please do not freak out! Yes, children of divorce are more likely to experience some of these issues, but the reality is that the differences between children of divorce and children whose parents are together are very small. It is estimated that only around 10% of adults with divorced parents are negatively affected by the divorce. Most children of divorce do not suffer significant issues.  

Why Do Some Children Cope Better with Divorce than Others?

There are a variety of factors, such as children’s personality, age, the family situation prior to the divorce, and how the divorce is handled that influence how children cope with divorce. 

If we consider personality, some children may experience negative effects for a short period of time, for others those negative effects may last longer, whereas other children are more resilient and do not struggle much. 

Children’s age also matters when considering the effects of divorce. Younger children may not grasp what is happening. Some of them may experience separation anxiety when going between one parent and the other. Others may show regressive behaviours and go back to wetting the bed, throwing tantrums, or sucking their thumbs. Tweens and teens are more likely to understand what is happening but may have difficulties regulating the strong emotions that the news of the divorce and adjusting to a new routine will likely bring. 

The level of conflict within the family prior to the divorce is a factor that seems to be highly influential in determining how children will be affected by divorce. For children living in high-conflict families, divorce may not be negative but it may even be positive. For these children, divorce may come as a relief. In contrast, divorce for children living in low-conflict families tends to be more negative because children may perceive that they have lost the benefits of a stable family structure. 

The factor that seems to be more important in determining how children cope with divorce is how parents manage the divorce process. 

The Way Parents Manage the Divorce Is More Important than the Actual Divorce

For many years it was believed that divorce itself had a very negative effect on children, but more developed and nuanced research methods show that the biggest impact on children is not the divorce itself but how it is handled. 

Indeed, the children that usually do better when their parents divorce, are those whose parents do not have a conflictual relationship. 

So, if you are divorced or in the process of being divorced, rest assured: The experience of divorce doesn’t automatically mean that children will struggle. What makes the biggest difference is how you handle the divorce. This leads us to the very important question of what parents can do to support their children to cope with divorce.

How Do I Support my Child Through Our Divorce?

1. Start by having a conversation with your child explaining that you are getting a divorce, the reasons why (in an age-appropriate way), and what will happen next. Ideally both parents should be present in this conversation. Children are concrete thinkers, so try to explain the future living arrangements in detail, doing so will give them some sense of security. Always allow your child to ask questions and make it clear that the divorce is not the child’s fault, that both of you love them and will always love them. Reiterate that you are still a family even ift from now on, life will be different. 

2. Try to keep the routine as stable as possible. Children need to feel safe and secure to be able to thrive. This is most likely to happen if they don’t have to worry about who is picking them up at school or where they are spending the night. 

3. Be consistent with your limits and boundaries. Sometimes when our children are going through a rough patch, we overcompensate by being too permissive or too lenient. Always remember that children need clear limits and boundaries. Research clearly shows that children do better if both parents communicate and cooperate with one another. Keep a united front. You are not together but you should try to remain a team for your child. Your child is likely to do better if both parents stick to the same rules and routines. 

4. Children do better when they keep regular contact with both parents. Indeed, research shows that children in joint physical or legal custody tend to do better than children in sole-custody settings. Children who lose contact with one parent are more likely to experience depression, low self-esteem, anger, and distress. However, in cases where one parent is abusive, neglectful, suffers from serious mental health or adjustment difficulties, limited contact may be recommended. 

5. Be respectful towards your ex-partner. Refer to them in a nice way and try to appreciate their good points. This may sound difficult (especially at the beginning) but consider it from your child’s point of view: They see themselves as being a part of each one of you, so if you are constantly trashing their other parent, think how this will make them feel about themselves.  

6. It is very likely that during the divorce process, your stress levels will rise, and the quality of your parenting will decline. When faced with this situation, parents tend to either become harsher with their children or they may become more permissive. Try to be mindful of how you are coping and how this may be influencing your children. The better you cope, the better your children are likely to cope. Be mindful also if you are engaging in negative coping mechanisms, such as drinking too much. Seek professional advice if you struggle and lean on your support system.  

7. Finally, consider that it is impossible to shield your child from the pain that divorce will bring. The important thing is to show them that you are there for them in this process. That you walk the walk with them. Be there for them, listen to them, and make them feel heard. 

Give Me the Final Message!

As it often happens in psychology, the question of whether divorce is good or bad is not a simple one. Yes, all children would prefer that their parents stay together but the reality is that divorce is part of human relationships. Research tells us that rather than focusing on whether divorce itself is good or bad, we need to focus on how we handle the divorce process so we make it as conflict-free as possible so that our children struggle as little as possible. Although some children may do worse after a divorce, this decline tends to be small and short-lived. In contrast, for children living in very conflictive families, divorce may even be beneficial. Remember that it’s not the family structure that matters, what matters is how the family members get on. The aim is that however your family looks like, your child feels safe and loved in a stable environment. 

I hope you have find this article useful. As always, please get in touch with us if you have any comments or questions. It is always great hearing from you! 

Much love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Photo credit: cdc via Unsplash

You had your baby, you got into the breastfeeding swing, you have the routine mastered (or almost!) and before you know it, it’s time to go back to work. If you decide to keep on breastfeeding (no judgement here, whatever you decide is great), there are quite a few things for you to consider and to discuss with your employer. Don’t forget that to make breastfeeding at work a success, there needs to be communication and commitment between your employer, your line manager, and yourself (if your baby cooperates it will be a big bonus!). Let’s explore actions that all three parties involved should consider taking.

The Employer Should:

• Create an environment that supports working parents. Send a clear message that senior leadership supports breast-feeding employees. 
• Issue a written lactation policy.
• Offer a break allowance for mothers to express milk or feed their baby. 
• Offer flexible working hours for breastfeeding mothers.
• Offer a warm, clean, and private room for expressing (not a toilet, please!) and a fridge (a separate one, if possible) to store the milk.
• Offer training to line managers so they know how to deal with this issue.
• Hire a lactation consultant to give extra support to employees, whenever feasible. 

The Line Manager Should:

• Have a conversation early on with the working parent so they know what to expect when she comes back and necessary arrangements can be made (e.g., flexible working, arranging breaks…). Do not assume that the employee will breastfeed (or not). 
• Check-in every once in a while, to see how things are going.

• Be supportive and empathetic. Staff may feel self-conscious discussing this issue.

The Working Parent Should:

• Think early about what they want to do regarding breastfeeding (or not) and discuss it with the line manager or HR. 
• Ask colleagues who have been in the same situation for advice.
• Be gentle with yourself. Balancing work and breastfeeding can feel like a real struggle, don’t feel bad if things don’t go as planned, and remember that you are doing the best you can. Try to eat well and get some rest (easier said than done, we know) because working and breastfeeding can be really tiring, especially during the first weeks. 
• Consider the logistics: Practice giving your baby expressed milk before you start working again so they get used to it, try to build an ‘expressed milk bank’, and decide how you will store and transport the milk safely. 
• Ask for help when you need it, don’t struggle in silence!

Some Employers Think, Why Should I Support Breastfeeding Mothers in my Workforce? Why Is It my Concern?

Employers should support working breastfeeding mothers because:

• It is an excellent way of retaining and attracting talent. Remember that 1 in 4 working new mothers do not return to work. According to The Telegraph losing staff costs British business approximately £4 billion each year. 
• Being family friendly also extends to your customers. 83% of millennials only want to deal with companies that share their values.
• It reduces absenteeism. Breastfeeding has positive health effects (e.g., lower chances of developing some types of cancer) and for babies (e.g., protects them against infections). 
• It improves your employees’ work-life balance. Make their life easier! 

To support mums who are considering breastfeeding or who are currently breastfeeding, we have a new masterclass by Dee Bell RM, IBCLC, Specialist Tongue-tie Practitioner and founder of the Infant Feeding Academy. You can watch it here. It provides all the information needed about breastfeeding positions, foods to have or not to have, sore nipples, or expressing milk manually. 

If you are an employer who would like to improve the support you offer to your working parents or an employee who would like their employer to get better at it, do get in touch with us to have a chat! As always, we are here to support you, whatever the issues are. 

Regards,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Did you yell at your kids over the holidays? Who didn’t??? If you are one of those parents (I am with you), you may feel awful reading recent news headlines such as: ‘Adults shouting at children can be as harmful to a child’s development as sexual or physical abuse” (CNN);  ‘Shouting at children may be as damaging as physical or sexual abuse’ (The Guardian). These headlines are two examples of many articles that came out recently based on a new study considering verbal abuse a form of child abuse. 

Let me be clear: I totally think that verbal abuse is a form of child abuse. But what I don’t agree with is with those headlines. In my opinion, this is an example of scientific research being misinterpreted and parenting advice missing important nuance, not only failing to help parents but provoking parental shame and guilt. What this study really found is that HOW we speak to our children matters. The tone of voice we use is important but WHAT we say is more important. There is a big difference between occasionally yelling at your child: “BRUSH YOUR TEETH, NOW!!!” and “YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!”. Not all yelling is equally negative. There is no scientific evidence supporting that occasional yelling is negative for children. 

Am I advocating that it’s good to yell at our children? Not at all, it is clearly much better to talk to our children in a calm manner. But let’s be honest: who hasn’t yelled at their kids? Unless you have nerves of steel, it is almost impossible to raise a kid without at least yelling occasionally at them. So, let’s be realistic and instead of aiming to never yell, let’s try to do it as rarely as we can, and when we do it, not to say things that we will regret. 

Let’s Consider Some Relevant Aspects of Yelling

The Content of the Yelling Is More Important than the Volume

Yelling is always wrong when we insult, belittle, demean, degrade, shame, ridicule, threaten or name-call our child. We should never use our words to cause distress to our child, no matter the volume of our voice. 

Frequency Matters 

If the family’s ‘normal’ is yelling, chances are that the household is probably not a warm and caring environment. There are families when parents are ‘always yelling’. If this is your case, it would be a good idea to address this issue.  

Watch Your Child

If your child looks scared when you yell at him, you need to stop. You never want to scare your child. When that happens, your child cannot really process what you are saying, and it is negative for their development. 

Why May Yelling Be Negative for Our Children?

Children are predisposed to believe the important adults in their life. So, when we say things to our child such as “you can’t do anything right”, “you’re useless”, or “you’re stupid”, they are likely to believe us and to internalize those messages. A recent survey in the UK found that children aged 11-17 considered these three messages the most upsetting they hear from their parents and carers. Worryingly, 51% of children reported hearing at least one of these messages weekly and 1 in 10 said they heard such messages daily. Children who are treated this way have more chances to experience low self-esteem, and are at higher risk of experiencing anxiety, depression and substance and alcohol abuse. 

Why Do We Yell? 

Often yelling is not a discipline strategy but an emotional response. We feel overwhelmed, frustrated, impatient, tired and we may end up saying things that we regret. 

To stop yelling it is important to know your triggers. It could be a messy room (definitely mine), having said the same thing over and over, being slow at getting ready, not listening, or picky eating. 

Your yelling might also be influenced by how you were raised. Was yelling the norm for your parents? If that is the case, think how it made you feel and consider whether you want it to be the norm for you children. 

So, if you never yell at your children: amazing! But as a parent and a psychologist I would say that it is almost impossible to never yell at your child. It will happen. The important thing is that it doesn’t become the norm. Let’s try not to, but if on occasions we do yell, let’s not blame ourselves. It doesn’t mean that we are bad parents, and it won’t harm your child irreparably and forever. And remember, you can apologize to your child. Saying “I am sorry, I’m very stressed tonight and I lost my temper” goes a long way. 

If you want to learn more about this topic, watch the recording of a webinar we held in early 2024. Note that you have to be a REC Parenting member to access it. Join our community now!

I hope you have found this article useful. As always, do get in touch with us if you have any queries or comments. And remember that our parenting experts are available to support you. 

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Believing in Santa is a great part of being a child. It brings families together and so much excitement, fun, and enjoyment to children (and many adults). 

However, in the past few years some psychologists have voiced their concerns against Santa. Why? They don’t have anything personal against him but they are against parents lying to their children because they believe that it may create mistrust between parents and children.

What is my take? This is it: “Oh come on!!!!!!!!!!!” Can’t we allow our children to be kids, and let them believe for a while in a world where everything is possible? I am all for honesty but isn’t this taking it too far? 

Let’s have a look at the research on this topic (which you hopefully will trust more than my opinion).

Will Telling my Child that Santa Exists Bring Mistrust to Our Relationship?

NO. There is no evidence supporting that belief and later disbelief in Santa will create any mistrust between you and your child.  

Is It Negative for Children to Believe in Santa?

NO. Magical thinking is part of children’s development specially between the ages of 5 and 8. During these ages, many children have an imaginary friend and believe in monsters and flying carpets. They believe in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy (in Spain instead of the Tooth Fairy we have a mouse called Perez- go figure!). Blurring the lines between reality and fantasy is part of childhood. 

Children Don’t Believe Everything They Are Told Or See. Why Do They Believe in Santa?

There are many reasons for this. First, they really want to believe! It is wonderful!

Second, everyone around them (including their parents who they trust the most) tell them that he is real and even more they leave evidence around the house to support the story. And contrary to what one may believe, the more men dressed as Santa children see, the more they believe he is real.

What’s the Typical Age for Children to Find Out the (Sad) Truth?

Most research shows that around age 8, children start to figure out that the story of Santa doesn’t add up. Most children come to this conclusion on their own when they realize that the story is physically impossible (“So Santa is coming through the chimney with the reindeers?”).

How Do Children React?

There is no evidence to support that finding out the truth causes any distress or that children will mistrust their parents. And even when it comes as a disappointment, it does not last long. Even more, a recent study shows that some children report feeling relieved once they know the truth and others felt pride to be in the ‘inner circle’ of those in the know. 

Is It Better to Tell Children the Truth or To Let Them Be?

Importantly, children report feeling better when they managed to find the truth by themselves. So, even if you think your child is too old not to know the truth, let them be! 

Sometimes your child may know but they choose not to tell you because they want to keep the magic going or because they think you will be sad once you know they know. 

By the time your child comes to you to discuss it, they usually have given it plenty of thought and are ready to face reality. With Santa (as with everything else), follow your child’s lead. Use their questions to assess where to take the conversation and what they are ready to discuss and understand. 

One important thing to tell them once they find out is not to spoil the fun for other kids: “Once you know, your job is to keep the magic going for other kids”. 

And from REC Parenting that is what we wish for your family this Christmas: a very magical time for you all. For any comments, queries or concerns, get in touch with us.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Being a parent carries a lot of mental load: “I must remember to make an appointment at the dentist for Joe”, “Mel needs to wear red socks to school tomorrow”, “It is Sophie’s birthday next week, I need to organize the balloons”, “ I need to leave work early on Thursday because it is Peter’s parents’ evening” and on and on it goes. The to-do list is never ending! This is the mental load of being a parent. It is described as the thinking, planning, scheduling, and organizing of family members, and the emotional labour associated with this work. 

I am talking about the mental load of parents but to be fair, in most households this mental load is carried by mothers. It is not me saying this (don’t shoot the messenger), research shows that even when women work similar hours and earn the same or even more than their male partners, they still have a second shift taking care of the house and the children. Because usually when fathers help, they are doing just that: Helping. The woman is still the one that needs to keep all the balls in the air and ask for help. 

I don’t want to sound like the grinch, but the reality is that during Christmas our mental load increases. And depending on how ‘seriously’ you take Christmas it can increase by a lot! Decorations, visiting family (and negotiating family politics and dynamics), organizing (and cooking) meals (considering dietary requirements of half the family), present-buying (don’t forget the wrapping), attending school nativities (for which you have hand-made the perfect shepherd’s costume all on your own and from scratch), organizing Christmassy plans, card-writing, and volunteering at the school’s Christmas fair … And you must do all these while juggling work, taking care of the kids (while they are on holidays), and don’t forget to enjoy yourself and be utterly happy and charming! For many families, financial issues can be an extra concern. It can be a lot, right?

If this is how you feel every single Christmas, my proposal to you for this year is to stop and think about your priorities. It is great that you want to create a special holiday for everyone around you, but you also need to enjoy yourself and if possible, get some rest. How do we do this?

• Learn to say NO. And say no without feeling guilty or bad. If you are asked to take things on that you simply don’t have the time for or don’t want to do, say so. Learning to say no is a skill that we all need to develop. The more you say it, the better you become at it!

• Think what is important for you and what is not. Ditch things that are not important. In my case, I totally refuse to write Christmas cards. Have never done it. I don’t want to spend hours on end writing, sticking, asking for addresses … 

• Share the load with the rest of the family. And I mean sharing the load, not just simply asking them to help. Delegate tasks to other members of the family. However, this means that if you don’t like how they do it, you need to keep quiet!

• Stay away from social media. If you are feeling stressed those impeccably curated images of Christmas perfection will only make you feel worse. They are part of what makes us feel overwhelmed in the first place. 

• Finally, the most important one: your children don’t need the perfect Christmas organized by the perfect but tired and stressed mum. Your children want to spend time with you, they want to laugh and play and chat. They don’t care if the decorations are absolutely perfect or how many Christmas cards you wrote. They won’t remember that. They will remember the good times they had with you during Christmas and that you made them feel loved and special. That is the meaning of Christmas. 

Whatever you are doing over Christmas, we wish you and your family a wonderful time. At REC Parenting we will be here to support you, should you need it. Get in touch with us!

Much love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

All families face struggles, but families formed through adoption often face challenges of their own. In this article we are going to focus on children who are adopted and some common struggles they may face. 

Adoption is a lifelong journey. All adopted children will think at some point about their birth parents: “Why did they give me up for adoption?”, “What kind of people were they?”, “Would I have been happier with them?”, and “Do I have siblings?” are frequent questions. However, it is important that we do not generalise and think that all adopted children are the same. Some may have hardly any issues whereas others may find it more difficult. Adoption issues can affect adoptees at any age and at any point in their lives. It depends on their circumstances before adoption, their genetics, the age of adoption, the circumstances of their adoptive family… However, it is important to remember that all adopted children have experienced trauma or at least serious challenges, and these won’t go away just by being adopted.

Here Are Seven Common Issues Faced By Adopted Children: 

1. Loss

Whatever the reason explaining why a child ends up being adopted, that child has been separated from their birth parents. Some children may have lived with many foster families and so have lost multiple families. 

2. Rejection

Adopted children may feel rejected by their birth parents as they did not want them or could not take care of them. 

3. Guilt or Shame

Some children may feel that there is something wrong with them that explains why their birth parents didn’t keep them. 

4. Grief

Adopted children may grieve over their lost parents and family.

5. Identity and Self-Esteem

We all develop a narrative of our life. We start to create our narrative based on the stories that our carers tell us (e.g., the story of your birth, your first day of school…). As we grow up, we continue developing our personal narrative adding our own experiences. Adopted children may have issues developing an identity because they are likely to have gaps in their narrative that they cannot fill. Questions about identity are particularly important during adolescence.

6. Intimacy

Adopted children may find difficult to establish intimate relationships with family members, especially if they have lived with a few different families or if they have been victim of abuse.

7. Mastery and Control

 Depending on the age of the adoption and on the circumstances leading to it, some children may feel that they have lost all control over their lives. 

Here Are Seven Tips to Deal with These Issues for Parents of Adopted Children:

1. Be Honest and Open

Adopted children may have identity issues, so it is very important that you help them create a solid identity and personal narrative. Make adoption a normal topic of conversation. If they have questions that you don’t have the answers to, just say so. When possible, have as much information about their birth family as you can. Don’t lie to your child about the fact that they are adopted or the circumstances of the adoption.

Amanda Baden who has been examining adoption for 25 years, published a study a few years ago suggesting that it is best to disclose the information before the child is three. Baden found that those children who could remember being told (aged 3 and older) reported higher levels of distress than those children who did not remember ever having ‘the conversation’. One of the hardest things about being told later in life is realising that everyone else (grandparents, uncles, friends) knew the truth and didn’t tell you. 

Some people may argue that it is best to wait until the child is old enough so they can really understand the ins and outs of the adoption process, but the reality is that we talk all the time with young children about things they cannot fully understand (e.g., space, the extinction of the dinosaurs). When they are little, they understand the basics of the adoption and as they grow, they will understand it fully, while knowing all the way that they were never lied to.

If you lie to your child and they find out, say when they are 14, they will have to rebuild their own identity, which will damage their self-esteem and their relationship with you. If they find out that you lied to them about something so important, they will find it difficult to trust you again and they will question everything they have ever been told. 

2. Consider Keeping In Touch with the Birth Family

A growing body of research shows that having some contact with the birth family can help children deal with the feelings of loss and grief associated with leaving them, as well as to develop their sense of identity. In addition, being in touch may help your child access important medical information, have more supportive adults in their lives, understand their cultural and ethnic heritage, and relate to the birth family as real people rather than denigrating or idealising them. Of course, each family is different, and you need to consider what works best for your child. This can range from talking about their birth parents to spending time with them. 

3. Provide a Loving Home with a Consistent Routine and Positive Discipline

Research shows that all children do better in warm, affectionate, and stable households. This does not mean being lax or not having rules. The idea is to be very loving and caring but at the same time establishing clear limits. This will provide the child with a sense of safety. 

Having a consistent routine is key for all children but even more for adopted children who have often experienced unstable and unsafe environments. Depending on the child’s age, they may have experienced a loss of control, so allowing them to make some decisions (e.g., which extracurricular activities to take, how to decorate their bedroom) will help them to build confidence and gain some sense of control. 

Being too punitive in how you discipline your child may not be a good idea because it may deepen their low self-esteem. Instead, try to use praise (e.g., ‘You have tidied up so well!”) and rewards (e.g., “If you have a bath now, you can watch some tv later”) rather than punishments. 

4. Work Hand-In-Hand with Your Child’s School

Children spend around 15,000 hours at school, so it is so very important that your school knows the circumstances of your child otherwise they won’t be able to support them effectively. Adopted children are more likely to experience school exclusions and leave school with lower-than-average educational attainment. However, provided children are well supported by their adoptive families and their schools, there is no reason why they cannot thrive academically. It is important that school staff undergo specific training, so they can support adopted children effectively.

5. Be Careful with Praise and Avoid Comparing Your Child to Others

Some adopted children have low self-esteem and a deep sense of shame. If your praise is too exaggerated (e.g., “You are the cleverest boy ever!”), they may not believe you. Further, it is always better to praise their behaviours (e.g., “Look at how much effort you put in that test, you got an A!”) rather than their personality (e.g., “You got an A, how clever are you!”). In addition, try not to compare your child with their biological siblings or other family members as it can make them feel out of place. 

6. Focus on Your Child’s Mental Health

Adopted children are more likely to experience significant emotional, social, and mental health difficulties than children who are not adopted. Most adopted children have experienced trauma, and they need time and support to work on it. Early negative experiences such as neglect and abuse alter the child’s brain structure and functioning, as well as the systems that deal with responses to stress. You can help your child by providing them with a stable and predictable environment both at home and school, so they start seeing the world as a safe place. Some children may need professional support at some points in their life. 

7. Know What Support Is Available to You

Some families may need a lot of support whereas others need little. Or they may need different support at particular life stages. Whatever your case, it is good to know what support is available out there in case you need it. Services like one-to-one support, mental health services, support groups, parenting classes, and mentoring can be helpful. 

We hope you find this article useful. If you have any questions or would like to suggest topics for us to write about, please get in touch with us.

If you need one-to-one support, do not forget to contact your REC Parenting therapist. They are waiting for you!

Much love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

With the start of the academic year, new friendships are formed, others are left behind, social groups reshuffle and sadly, bullying may happen. Because let’s be honest, bullying happens in most schools. I am very weary when schools say that it doesn’t happen in their establishments. It does happen, the important thing is how the school community tackles it. 

What Is Bullying?

Bullying happens when a child hurts another on purpose. The bully has more power than the victim, they may be stronger, bigger, or more popular.

Bullying is not a one-off quarrel. It happens repeatedly over a period of time. It is more frequent between the ages of 10-13 but it can happen at any age. 

Types of Bullying

• Emotional: Socially isolating the child, calling them names, laughing at them… 

• Physical: Kicking, punching the child, damaging their property…

• Cyberbullying: It is a form of emotional bulling using electronic devices. The issue with cyberbullying is that the victim cannot escape their attackers. They get no rest from the bullying. Not even when they are home and are meant to be safe. 

Who Is at Risk of Being Bullied?

Everyone is at risk, but the reality is that some children are more likely to be bullied than others. Children that are perceived to be different in any way, for example, because they are new to the school, are from a different country or a different religion are more likely to be bullied. Children with low self-esteem, those with disabilities or special needs are also at a higher risk. In general, children who are thought to be “weaker” or “different” are more likely to be bullied. 

How to Know if my Child Is Being Bullied?

• A sudden loss of confidence, the child becoming very withdrawn, moody, aggressive, throwing tantrums, being angry

• School achievement falling

• Not wanting to go to school: Finding excuses in the morning, complaining of feeling unwell in the morning

• Coming back home without their materials or broken materials

• Saying that they did not have lunch because maybe the bully took their lunch or took their lunch money

• Having bruises or cuts 

What to Do if my Child Is Being Bullied?

• Explain what bullying is and focus on behaviour rather than labelling other children (“They are mean”) or your child (“You are weak”).

• Make it very clear that it is not their fault in any way. 

• Reassure your child that action can be taken.

• Encourage them to be assertive. This doesn’t mean that they must be aggressive but calm and firm about their feelings. Practice role play at home so that when they face the bully, they have the tools to respond to them.  

• NEVER tell your child to sort it out by hitting the bully back. It rarely works and it can get your child into deeper trouble. 

• Explore ways to extend their friendship groups, for example by joining new clubs.

• Encourage activities that encourage self-esteem such as drama or sports.

• Explore ways with them to approach the school even if they don’t want to. You can maybe propose that you talk together with their favourite teacher. 

• DO NOT dismiss it as banter. If your child comes to you because they are being hurt or threatened, try not to say things like “Oh toughen up, it is just a bit of banter” or “Don’t be overdramatic, that has always happened and here we are”. Bullying can have dramatic consequences especially when the victim thinks there is no way out. 

• Keep a bullying diary in case you need it in the future.

Why Do Some Children Bully Others?

The answer to this question is a rather complicated one. There is not one simple factor that explains a child becoming a bully. Bullying behaviour is influenced by a wide range of home, individual, school, neighbourhood, and societal factors. 

Children bully others to gain status in their peer group. They seek out approval from their peers by being tough, cruel and powerful or by gaining reputation. Bullies often lack empathy, and their need to belong to the group overrides any other feelings they may experience.

It is important to remember that bullies themselves tend not to do well across many aspects of life. They tend to have problems at school, and show high levels of aggression, depression, and anxiety. They also have difficulties managing their emotions, particularly their anger. 

What if my Child Is the Bully?

No parent wants to think that our child is a bully but when bullying happens someone is doing it! Let’s start by saying that is it NOT your fault if the child is the bully. 

If your child is indeed the bully, you need a plan of action with the school. Together you need to find the motivation for your child’s behaviour. Why are they doing it? Professional support may be a good idea in these cases.  Consider that many bullies continue to behave that way all their lives, so it is very important that you tackle the issue as soon as possible. 

Finally, it is important to consider that bullying rarely happens in isolation. Usually, the whole class or the whole peer group know about it. Some children may encourage it, others may think it’s wrong but they may be afraid of saying something and risking being next, whereas others may defend the victim. It is really important that all parents have a chat with our kids about this issue, encouraging them to confide in us or other adults around them if them or others are being bullied. Stopping bullying is not only the responsibility of schools or of those directly involved in it, but of all of us. 

This article is based on Professor Helen Cowie’s masterclass: The complete guide to bullying. Do watch it to find out many more resources and information. If your child is struggling with bullying do not hesitate to get in touch with your REC Parenting therapist. If you do not have a therapist but would like to get started, get in touch with us. We are here to support you! 

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

The summer holiday is a good time to reflect on what worked and did not work during the previous academic year, allowing you to start the new one feeling refreshed (hopefully!) and with new goals. Doing so will help you to achieve work-life balance. This means giving equal importance to your career demands and your personal life. Work-life balance is more than a catchphrase: it’s a necessity. 

Here are eight tips to achieve work-life balance:

1. It’s OK not to be perfect 

There is no such thing as the perfect parent. It is important that we let go of that idea. You are not a superhero. There will be times when things won’t be perfect. Accept that this is fine, you are not failing, you are doing the best you can. And remember that for the most part, the idea of parenting we see in social media is not real. Don’t fall into the trap! Perfection is an unrealistic goal, trying to achieve it will only lead you to feeling stressed and unsatisfied. 

2. Ask for help

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Remember the saying “It takes a village to raise a child”? It is true! And even more in the case of working parents and single parents. We all need help sometimes. Coordinate with other parents and family members. Take turns accompanying children to and from school, share birthday parties, and coordinate playdates so you can all have some free time. 

3. Be flexible

Understanding that there may be moments when your family needs you more and other moments when your work demands your full attention is essential. Be flexible and be ready to re-prioritise when things change. 

4. Do not neglect yourself

If you want to be able to take care of others, you must take care of yourself. If you are not feeling strong, you won’t be able to do well at home or at work. Remember to sleep and eat well, and exercise regularly. Many of us feel guilty when we have some ‘me time’, but we must learn to ignore that feeling! Think that taking care of yourself is the first step to take care of everything and everyone in your life. 

5. Do not feel guilty because you work

Use the time that you have with the kids to enjoy them, do things together, and support them. Do not waste your time wishing that you didn’t have to work. Those thoughts are not helpful, especially if you have no other option but to work. You can be a working parent and a fantastic parent, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! 

6. Learn to say “no”

For many of us saying no is difficult. Maybe for you saying no is packed with guilt, you are a people pleaser, or you are afraid of disappointing others.  However, think that your time and resources are limited, and you should put your energy and effort on the things that are important to you and your family. Whenever a request that you don’t want to do or can’t do comes your way, say no. The sooner you do it, the better so that you avoid unnecessary stress. Some ways of saying no are: ‘Sadly, I have something else going on’, ‘I wish I were able to’, ‘I don’t have the bandwidth to do it right now’, ‘Thanks for thinking of me. However, I am not able to’, or ‘I’m sorry, I’m not able to fit this in’. The more you do it, the easier it will become!

7. Set expectations at home and at work

The start of the academic year is the perfect moment to spend some time alone and decide what you want to achieve in the coming months. Similarly, it is a good time to hold ‘expectations meetings’ at home and at work. At home, establish with your family what will be expected of each one of you, the rules and the organisation of the household for the Autumn months. 

At work, depending on your role you can have a similar discussion with your colleagues and team members. Doing this will reduce the likelihood of having to say ‘no’ as well as reduce disappointments, frictions, and arguments. 

8. Change one unhealthy habit 

Many of us have habits that are not the best for our physical and mental health. Perhaps you drink a bit too much, don’t exercise enough, eat too much processed food, or spend too much time on Instagram. Whereas it is not realistic trying to change all our bad (or not that good) habits at the same time, it is realistic to try to change one. Decide one habit that you would like to change, and go for it! 

We wish you and your family all the very best for the new academic year. If you feel you need some extra support, remember to contact your REC Parenting therapist. You can also get in touch with us at hello@recparenting.com We are here to support you and your family! 

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

The first day at nursery is a big day, not only for your child but for the whole family. In this article we give you seven tips to help you prepare your child for their first day. 

1. Talk Positively About Nursery

Walk past the nursery, attend an open day or an induction session. Establish that this is their nursery and talk about when they will join. Take some photos or look at the photos on the website together. Doing this helps your child to achieve a sense of familiarity with it. If your child is excited about it, keep on talking about it regularly, for example, you can count the number of sleeps. If in contrast, your child is anxious it is better not to discuss it too much to avoid building the anxiety. 

2. Talk About Others’ Experience at Nursery

 As a general rule, sharing your own or other family members’ experience helps your child understand that they are not alone in whatever they are going through. Ask them how they are feeling and validate those feelings. Try to avoid saying things like: “You will be fine”. Instead say things like: “I understand this is tough. I remember it was tough for me as well. Let’s see how we can help you to make things easier”. 

3. Organise Playdates with Future Classmates

This is a great way for you and your child to build some relationships. 

4. Practice Relevant Skills

Sharing, turn-taking, putting their coat on (watch this video to learn the best method), taking shoes on and off, drinking independently from a cup…

A common question is whether children need to be potty trained before starting at nursery. This varies from nursery to nursery. Some will ask for your child to be trained before starting whereas others will support you in this transition. In general, it is best to wait for the child to be ready. If possible, do not rush to do it in the last few weeks before nursery starts. Consider that when they start nursery, children may feel uncomfortable asking a new adult to help them in the loo and may not ask, leading to accidents that will most likely upset them. Also, at the beginning they are more likely to miss the signs because they are in a new and stimulating environment. If your child is not potty trained at the start, allow them to settle at nursery, and once they are happy you can agree with their teacher on the best time to do it. 

5. Engage in Role-Play

If the nursery has a uniform or a bag, practice wearing it and role play going to school. This can be a great activity if another child you know is also starting at the same nursery. 

6. Remove Their Dummy or Comfort Object for Periods of Time

Try to remove them for the part of the day that they will be at nursery. Working on language and communication will be a priority at nursery, and this will be difficult using a dummy. Similarly, your child will be working on their fine (e.g., cutting, sticking) and gross (e.g., throwing a ball) motor skills and this will be difficult if they are holding a comfort object. Explain to your child that they will be kept safe at home or at nursery until they are finished. 

7. Work on Separation

Arrange to leave them even for a short period of time with a friend or a family member. Be confident when you leave and reassure them that you are coming back. Depending on how they feel, start with a few minutes and build up to an hour or two. If they are sad, tell them it is OK to feel that way and remind them that you came back as promised. Stay positive, discuss the great things they did while you were away.

What happens if your child cries a lot when you leave them at nursery? By the time your child starts nursery, they will have established a strong attachment with you and other caregivers. So, leaving you will most likely upset them. Parents usually ask if it is better to stay with their child while they settle or to leave straight away. Consider that your child needs to establish a bond with their new teacher. Why should they even try if you are there, covering all their emotional needs? The best thing when you get to nursery is to explain to your child that you must leave to go to work or run errands and explain that you will return soon. Usually, there will be tears, but your child will eventually settle. The teacher will be able to support your child better once you are gone through fun and engaging activities. Do not however sneak off, it is much better to be honest and say you are leaving. Your child will develop confidence in you that way. 

If your child cries a lot, it may be a good idea to start with short sessions and gradually build up the time, keeping the separation routine consistent each time. For some children, it may take a long time but if they see that you are becoming anxious, it may be harder from them. Remember each child is different!

We hope your child has the best time at nursery! The information on this article is based on our masterclass: Choosing the right nursery for your child. Watch it here to learn more tips and useful information. If you have any questions, get in touch with me. We are here to support you and your family!

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

One of the most important skills that we can teach our children is emotional intelligence.
Children who are emotionally competent do better at school, have more friends, are better liked by their teachers, and are more likely to help others.

What exactly is emotional competence? It is the ability to understand, express and regulate our emotions. Parents can help children be emotionally competent by talking about emotions with them. The more we talk about emotions with our children, the more emotionally competent they will become.

Six Things To Tell Your Child To Help Develop Their Emotional Competence

1. I Am Here For You, No Matter How You Feel

Children experience many different emotions and sometimes these emotions are accompanied by guilt or shame. Let’s imagine for example, that a child is incredibly jealous because his best friend made it to the school football team and he didn’t. He may also feel ashamed or guilty because he knows that he shouldn’t be jealous. If we tell him that we are by his side no matter what he is feeling, we are allowing him to feel whatever he is feeling. He may open up and discuss his feelings with us or with others and doing this is incredibly positive for their mental health.

2. Why Are You Behaving This Way? Let’s Think About How You Are Feeling

The way we behave is a result of our emotions. So, it is important that we help our children understand that depending on how they feel, they will behave in one way or another. For example, if we point to our teenager that when she does not get enough sleep, she becomes very moody and irritable, she may choose not to go to bed earlier (as teenagers usually do) but at least she will be aware of this link between emotions and behaviours. She now can decide that whenever she has an important day ahead of her, she needs to go to sleep early.

3. How You Feel Right Now Won’t Last Forever

Sometimes children experience intense negative feelings (e.g., sadness, anger, jealousy…) and they think that they will feel that way forever. It is very important to teach them that feelings don’t last forever, and that their intensity goes down as time goes by. This is a very important idea to remind children at times when they are feeling very bad and it seems to them that those emotions will never go away. By telling them that those feelings won’t last forever, we are protecting them against engaging in harmful behaviors such as self-harm.

4. It Is Ok to Feel What You Are Feeling

Children and adolescents want to fit in. They need to feel that they are ‘normal’. By telling them that there is nothing weird about what they are feeling, we are normalising their emotions and we are making them feel that they fit in just fine.

Something that tends to help children is telling them that you remember feeling that way when you were their age. When my son was about eight, he went through a period of feeling anxious on Sunday evenings when thinking about the school week ahead of him. By telling him that I remembered feeling that way, and that I remembered having a knot in my stomach (which was exactly what he was feeling), his emotions were normalized and although they didn’t go away, he felt that there was nothing wrong with him, and that it was OK to feel that way.

5. Don’t Let Your Feelings Control You

To some extent, we can control our feelings. This is called emotion regulation and the best way to do it, is by changing the way we think about what we are feeling. For example, if a teenager is moving cities because his mum changed jobs, he will probably feel a mix of sadness, anger, and anxiety. The best way to control those feelings is to help him consider his evaluation of the situation, which is something he can control. We can tell him that he has two options: one is not to do anything and continue feeling miserable. The other option is to acknowledge that even if this move was not his choice, it can be a new opportunity to get to know a new city, make more friends, and become more resilient. We need to remind our children that we can control how we evaluate the situations we are going through. The situation they are experiencing may not be his choice, but how they evaluate that situation is his choice.

6. Let’s Put a Name to That Feeling

Very often and especially in the case of young children, they experience emotions but they do not know how to name them. It is important that we take a moment to put a label on their emotions because children tend to feel better just by doing so. Labelling their emotions also helps children understand the cause of that emotion, and next time they feel that way, they will be better able to understand what is going on.

Final Words

So, just remember that it is very important to discuss emotions with your children. The more you do this, the more emotionally competent your children will become. Don’t forget that emotional competence is a super important skill to have in life. The more emotionally competent children, the better they tend to do.

If you are interested in this topic, don’t forget to watch Professor Harriet Tenenbaum’s REC masterclass.

I hope this info helps. If you have queries or comments, get in touch with us.

Much love,
Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

With children already on holidays, parents are facing the challenge of how to deal with having them at home while you still need to work. This can be a tricky and stressful moment, especially if you cannot rely on your extended family, summer camps, or friends to lend you a hand. 

Here Are Some Ideas that You May Find Helpful

1. Set Up Expectations and Limits

Setting up expectations is helpful so that everyone is clear on how things are going to work. Have a family meeting to decide the rules. Discuss expectations (e.g., organise your room, load the dishwasher, going out rules…). Decide the structure of the days so that the children know what to expect. Explain to your children the hours that you need to work each day or the specific times. For example, “I need to be at my desk and not disturbed between 9-12. Once I am done, we can go to the park”. Doing this everyday helps your children to manage their expectations and gives them stability. 

You also may want to set up rules about when it is OK for your child to disturb you while you are at work (e.g., “You can only come into my study or wherever you are working if someone rings the bell, or if you have hurt yourself”). Avoid telling them to come in when there is an emergency, because you and them may have different ideas of what an emergency is! Clearly define what counts as an emergency. 

Setting up expectations will help your children to be less upset if you are not with them, and you are less likely to get frustrated if they are not respecting your needs. Sometimes parents end up being ‘entertainers’ because we think that we need to fill every moment of our child’s life with ‘valuable’ experiences. We end up constantly organising plans for them. Remember that there is also value in children getting bored because that way, for example, they are more likely to develop their creativity. Similarly, it is good for children to be able to decide what they want to play with and how they want that play to look like. We all need to learn to be with alone with ourselves and this is not something children will learn if we are organising every single moment for them.

And remember, do not feel guilty if you are working over the summer holidays. You are doing what you have to do and the best you can!

2. Adapt Your Schedule to Your Child’s Needs and Routines (if at All Possible)

If you can work flexibly, try to adapt your work to suit your child. For example, if your teenager sleeps until midday, use that time to work and when they wake up you can have lunch together. Or if you have a baby that naps in the morning and afternoon, use that time to get on with work. 

3. Have a Space Only for You (if at All Possible)

Working while the kids are at home may be tricky but working in the same room as the kids is definitely not easy! If possible, have a space in the house that is only yours while you are working and make it clear to the children that they cannot come in unless there is a real emergency. If possible, avoid working in the kitchen because someone is always likely to come in to get some water or a snack. 

If you have to work with the kids in the room, encourage them to do activities that are not too loud, like reading, making a puzzle, building with Legos… Another option is for you to wear ear plugs!

4. Loosen Up the Rules

The holidays are a good moment to loosen up a bit. We are not saying to go totally crazy because children still need rules, consistency, and a routine (especially the little ones) but we can perhaps relax them a little. You may, for example, allow some extra screen time, let your teenager sleep in a bit longer, or let your 10-year-old go to bed 30 minutes later than usual. However, remember to make it clear that rule-relaxation only applies during the school holidays. Otherwise, your troops may rebel come school-time!

If you do relax the rules, start to go back to ‘normal’ a few days before school starts again so that your child has time to adjust. 

5. Find Your Village

They say that ‘it takes a village’ to raise a child because it is true! If you have friends or family around with children, offer to organise a rota: you take their kids some afternoons or mornings and they do the same for you. Or if their children are doing the same activities as yours, organise a rota for drop-offs and pick-ups. Ask other parents how they organise themselves, they may give you useful tips and ideas. 

6. Prioritise

Decide what your priorities are for the summer regarding work and family life. You probably will not have time to do everything, so planning ahead and deciding what needs to be done and what can wait will help you avoid frustrations and disappointment. Try to be realistic with your time. I don’t know about you, but I am way too optimistic with mine!

Plan ahead and be flexible. If things are not working out as you had planned, be creative and work out other solutions or strategies. 

7. And Above All… Enjoy Your Child!

The holidays are a time when we don’t have to follow a strict timetable and children have less obligations. Therefore, we are less likely to argue with our children about homework, sleep time or music practice. Use this time to chat with them, have a laugh, do things together that you both enjoy. 

Sometimes, as parents we fall in the trap of thinking that we need to be always doing something valuable with our children. While this is great, remember that there is also value in ‘not doing anything’. Spending a lazy morning in bed, watching a movie in the afternoon, or playing videogames together, are all valuable moments. During these moments, you enjoy each other’s company and strengthen your bond. Now, that is valuable! 

However your summer is looking, we hope that you have a great time and you and your family have time to recharge and enjoy yourselves.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

_{Photo credit: Nappy on Unsplash}