Category: For parents

Gentle Parenting: Is It Best? 

Published : Nov 06, 2024
By Dr. Ana Aznar

If you are in social media and follow ‘mumfluencers’ or any parenting accounts, for sure you must have heard of gentle parenting. You may swear by it, you may hate it, or you may not be sure about what it really means.  

Whatever your feelings towards this popular parenting style, do you really know what the research says about it?  

We explain everything you need to know about gentle parenting.  

Who Came Up with Gentle Parenting? 

Close up cropped image loving tender mother gently touch hands of little daughter kid showing protection support expressing care and love. Child adoption foster and custody, orphan and new mom concept. gentle parenting

British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith introduced the term ‘gentle parenting’ in 2015. Since then, gentle parenting took a life of its own on social media and You Tube, fuelled by ‘parenting experts’ and ‘mumfluencers’.  

At the time of writing this article, a Google search on ‘gentle parenting’ generates 1.68 million hits and around 850,000 hits in Instagram.  

Do you know how many scientific articles are there on gentle parenting? One. Just one.  

So, I wonder… All this advice that parents are getting is based on… what evidence exactly?  

From a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children.  

What Does Gentle Parenting Mean? 

Gentle parenting does not really have an official doctrine. Ockwell-Smith defines it as a ‘mindset’ and a ‘way of being’ with an ‘emphasis on your child’s feelings’. 

These are considered its four main tenets: 

  1. Empathy: Parents should always acknowledge their children’s feelings.  
  1. Respect: Children deserve the same respect as adults.  
  1. Understanding: Parents’ expectations of their children should be in line with their children’s developmental stage. 
  1. Boundaries: Parents should establish boundaries to foster a stable, healthy, and loving environment for their children.  

In terms of discipline, a gentle parent never uses rewards and punishments. Instead, they validate their children’s feelings. They always try to understand their child’s motivations when they misbehave.   

You may be thinking: “What’s not to like about this? I agree with those four points”. As a principle, I agree too. But parenting is not that easy. Let me explain my reservations about gentle parenting.  

There Is No Scientific Research on Gentle Parenting  

Happy young mother with cute little daughter making focused heart sign with hands, looking at camera. Smiling millennial mom and small girl showing love gesture together, expressing care, affection. gentle parenting

I cannot emphasize enough that there is no scientific research examining gentle parenting. Researchers have not examined how children raised by gentle parenting do in comparison with children who are not raised by gentle parents.  

At the time of writing this article (November 2024) there is only one study examining gentle parenting. This study (1) examined 100 parents in the US with at least one child aged between 2 and 7 years old. Almost half of them (N = 49), identified themselves as gentle parents. They reported high levels of parenting satisfaction and felt competent to raise their children. However, some of them were very critical of themselves and did not feel as competent. One third of those who identified as gentle parents, reported high levels of parenting uncertainty and burnout.  

What does this study tell us? That whereas some parents are doing OK following the gentle parenting guidelines (although it is not clear what this means), other parents may be finding gentle parenting too demanding.  

In sum, we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for children because no studies have examined it. And we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for parents because we only have one study examining it. There is simply no data.  

Most parenting styles (e.g., gentle parenting, lighthouse parenting, dolphin parenting, tiger parenting…) are not based on scientific evidence. They are created by influencers, social media, and the press.  

In contrast, there is plenty of research on the four traditional parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. There is also decent research on helicopter parenting.  

I Have More Reservations on Gentle Parenting 

I find it incredibly judgemental.

Gentle parenting followers advocate that theirs is the only way to raise emotionally competent children. Really?  What about the millions of emotionally competent people who were not raised by ‘gentle parents?’.  Moreover, no one wants to be defined as ‘ungentle’, right? So, by default If I say that I am not a gentle parent, does this mean that I am so kind of unsensitive, harsh mother?  

It Is a Form of Intensive Parenting.

We do not generally consider gentle parenting as a form of intensive parenting but from my perspective, we should. Why? Because it considers that parents have a lot of influence on how children turn out to be, it is very much child-centred, and it ignores parents’ needs (more on this later). 

Advocates of gentle parenting argue that when our child is misbehaving, throwing a tantrum or needs us, we must always be there for them. This sounds fantastic in an ideal world, but I don’t think is neither realistic nor a valuable lesson for our children. First, you are giving your child the idea that everything revolves around them. Not true. Second, when we drop everything whenever our children need us, we are not teaching them to wait or to self-regulate. Finally, intensive parenting is negative for parents’ mental health (2)

Is Gentle Parenting Really Helpful?

Gentle parenting tells you how to react to your child’s behaviour. (e.g., “I understand you don’t want to put your shoes on, but we need to go to school. I know you are finding it hard.”). What if my child doesn’t change his behaviour at that time? If my child doesn’t choose to put his shoes on, what do I do then? Do I keep repeating the same line, over and over? Am I meant not to take him to school?  

It Seems that Parents Go from Gentle Parenting to Permissive Parenting.

Probably because it is difficult to discipline children following the gentle parenting advice, it seems that parents may end up not enforcing clear rules to their children.  

It Makes All Emotions Equally Important.

Gentle parenting dictates that we should always discuss and validate our children’s feelings. The issue is that when we validate every single feeling that our child is having, we are making them equally important. I am not saying that you should ignore your child’s emotions. I am totally up for discussing my kids’ emotions when they come back from school being upset or when they are lashing out at their sibling constantly.  What I am saying is that discussing for 15 minutes in the morning why your child does not want to put their shoes on, may be going too far. Sometimes, children need to do things because that is how life works.  

My Main Concern Has to Do with How Gentle Parenting Relates to Parents’ Own Wellbeing 

Small son sit on strong dad shoulders showing biceps. African family enjoy activity games at home, healthy fit lifestyle, two superheroes, vitamins for adults and children ad, happy Father Day concept. gentle parenting

Given that there is no data on how gentle parenting relates to parents’ wellbeing, we can only rely on anecdotal evidence. Based on what parents are saying on social media and the press, it seems that gentle parenting sets unrealistic expectations for parents, especially for those who take it to the extreme.  

I totally agree with gentle parenting telling not to use any forms of physical discipline with their children. There is a lot of research showing that physical discipline is not beneficial for children. However, expecting parents never to lose their cool, never to yell in frustration when they have asked their children 33 times to brush their teeth is totally unrealistic. Moreover, research shows that occasional yelling is not linked with negative outcomes for children.  

Even more, modelling to our children that we should never lose our cool, that we never yell, that we are always composed, is giving them an unrealistic view of how people behave. Our role as parents is to teach our children how to deal with their own negative emotions and with the negative emotions of those around them. We fail to do that when we never show them that we also get it wrong, that we make mistakes, and that we sometimes lose our cool.  

If There Is No Scientific Evidence, Why Do Parents Adopt the Gentle Parenting Approach? 

It is not clear, but it has been speculated that gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents themselves were raised. Millennial parents were raised in a more authoritarian manner, and they are adopting gentle parenting as a reaction. Indeed, in a 2023 Pew Research Center report (3), 44% of parents said they wanted to raise their children differently to how they were raised. They wanted to be less punitive and more gentle.  

Gentle parenting may simply be a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations. This is not new. Through generations, parents have gone from being told to treat their kids like adults (Watson in the 1920s), to move away from harsh parenting (Dr Spock in the 1940s) to the very intensive way we are raising our kids these days. The difference is that until recently, parenting advice always came from scholarship. New parenting styles, like gentle parenting and the others we have already mentioned, seem to come from the media.  

A Final Word 

In general, I don’t like labelling parenting styles. Other than the four traditional parenting styles, I don’t think they are useful.  

Ultimately, we must remember that parenting is not about ‘producing’ a child. Our focus when raising our children, should be to create a strong, solid relationship with them. That is the most important predictor for our children’s wellbeing. Any parenting style, such as gentle parenting, that completely ignores parents’ needs and focuses solely on the needs of the child, is doing parents and children a disservice.  

And please, try as hard as you can to ignore Instagram posts promoting gentle parenting. They are usually high on shame induction and low on nuance.  

I hope you find this article useful. If you have questions or comments, please do get in touch with me.

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References 

(1) Pezalla AE, Davidson AJ (2024) “Trying to remain calm. . .but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLoS ONE 19(7): e0307492. https://doi.org/ 10.1371/journal.pone.0307492  

(2) Rizzo, K.M., Schiffrin, H.H. & Liss, M. Insight into the Parenthood Paradox: Mental Health Outcomes of Intensive Mothering. J Child Fam Stud22, 614–620 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9615-z 

(3) Minkin R, Horowitz JM. Parenting in America Today. 

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comments
Kendall Howell
2024-12-02 18:47:59
Only a smiling visitor here to share the love (:, btw great style .

https://suba.me/
Nevaeh Mcdonald
2024-12-02 18:47:59
My brother suggested I might like this blog. He was entirely right.This post actually made my day. You cann't imagine just how much timeI had spent for this information! Thanks!

https://www.suba.me/
Rishav Raj
2024-12-02 09:16:46
Understand sharenting and discover how to safeguard your family’s digital presence while sharing precious moments responsibly. To read the full blog Click here Thank you
Doug
2024-11-23 00:14:00
Hi, I do think this is an excellent Ьlog. I stumЬledupon it ;) I
am going to revisit once again sіnce i have book-marked
it. Money and fгeedom is the greatest way to change, may yߋu be rіch and continue tо help others.



My site - shoved
XRDix
2024-10-22 22:28:31
Hello!

Good cheer to all on this beautiful day!!!!!

Good luck :)
Shu Deckman
2024-10-19 10:34:49
I would really love to guest post on your blog.`-,~’

https://kyakarehindimei.com/60u6
Mauricio Grist
2024-10-16 18:24:27
Great write-up, I am regular visitor of one?¦s site, maintain up the nice operate, and It is going to be a regular visitor for a lengthy time.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/60u6
Bernadette Stradford
2024-10-16 05:05:08
This was a very interesting article. Thanks once more I will visit again.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/60u6
Dwana Sizemore
2024-10-16 00:00:59
Wow post thanks! We think your articles are great and want more soon. We love anything to do with word games/word play.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/60u6
Chastity Kalan
2024-10-15 19:59:47
Hello! I just wish to give an enormous thumbs up for the good information you might have right here on this post. I can be coming again to your blog for more soon.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/60u6
Perry Rovinsky
2024-10-15 00:02:10
hey there i stumbled upon your site searching around the web. I wanted to say I enjoy the look of things around here. Keep it up will save for sure.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Sam Billotti
2024-10-14 21:19:15
You have noted very interesting points! ps nice internet site.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Timothy Ereaux
2024-10-10 22:33:39
I think this is one of the most important information for me. And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The website style is wonderful, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Barry Laviolette
2024-10-10 17:02:44
The thing i like about your blog is that you always post direct to the point info.,*-,`

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Wilbur Placino
2024-10-10 13:25:30
Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything similar to this just before. So nice to locate somebody with original thoughts on this subject. realy i appreciate you for starting this up. this site are some things that is needed on the web, a person with a bit of originality. valuable problem for bringing something new towards world wide web!

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Letisha Brugal
2024-10-10 07:18:49
Perfect work you have done, this site is really cool with good information.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Elwanda Veness
2024-10-09 17:34:54
I’ve been exploring for a little bit for any high-quality articles or blog posts on this sort of area . Exploring in Yahoo I at last stumbled upon this site. Reading this info So i’m happy to convey that I’ve an incredibly good uncanny feeling I discovered exactly what I needed. I most certainly will make sure to do not forget this web site and give it a look regularly.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/x6l6
Dr. Ana Aznar
2024-09-13 12:51:46
Dear Robert,
Thank you so much for your comment. I totally get what you mean. It is always difficult to have kids living with you, wanting to support them and their parents but at the same time not wanting to step in anyone's toes. If there's anything we can do to support you and your family, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us.

Ana
Robert Eisenbart
2024-09-10 00:43:07
Great Article! I'm a retired FNP. Years ago I taught a STEP program to parents via family court cases. I now have a daughter and her man disciplining three children 4, 8, and 10. The 10 year old has ADHD and my personal diagnosis is she's also Oppositional/Defiant. I believe the OD came from harsh discipline. All they seem to do is punish and threaten physical punishment. They say positive reinforcement didn't work however they tried it for about 2 months and then went back to punishment. I can't reason with them as "they are the parents"!! is all I hear. They all live with me and have since the oldest was about 2. Sadly I can see the other 2 developing issues like anxiety and aggression as well. Trying to show them another side of adult supervision when I have them but frustrating.
Dr. Ana Aznar
2024-09-02 20:48:07
Really glad you found it useful! Thank you for being here and for your comment.

Ana
exotic cars miami
2024-09-01 21:01:35
This was very informative. I appreciate the clarity and depth.

https://rentalexoticcar.com/
avenue17
2024-08-30 11:17:25
I doubt it.
Arthur Carloni
2024-07-30 06:54:38
It’s perfect time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy. I’ve read this post and if I could I desire to suggest you few interesting things or tips. Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article. I want to read more things about it!

https://kyakarehindimei.com/azqn
Tristan Boie
2024-07-23 21:49:35
Can I say such a relief to discover someone that actually knows what theyre referring to over the internet. You definitely understand how to bring a concern to light and work out it crucial. More people need to see this and can see this side of the story. I cant think youre less well-known as you definitely contain the gift.

https://kyakarehindimei.com/azqn
Dr. Ana Aznar
2024-05-17 09:55:58
Hi Donna,
sO great to have you here! Totally agree that Zara is great! What other topics would you like us to discuss?
Ana
Donna
2024-05-17 09:49:36
Love Zara’s ways of teaching for both parents & kids! Also so helpful. We want more!! (Please!) :D
Ana Aznar
2024-05-08 07:24:31
We are glad you found the content useful! Many thanks for being here.
Ana
https://WWW.Waste-Ndc.pro/community/profile/tressa79906983/
2024-05-04 14:40:38
I couldn't resist commenting. Very well written! https://WWW.Waste-Ndc.pro/community/profile/tressa79906983/
Cristoj
2024-04-09 18:20:19
Great article!!!
Are you enjoying our blog?
Sign up to the REC Parenting newsletter

Registered in England & Wales. Company No.13460950. Registered office Salatin House, 19 Cedar Road, Sutton, SM2 5DA, United Kingdom

Important information about cookies
This web portal uses its own and third-party cookies to collect information that helps optimize your visit. Cookies are not used to collect personal information. You can allow its use or reject it, you can also change its settings whenever you want. More information is available in our Cookies policy.
These cookies help make the website usable by activating basic functions such as web browsing. page and access to secure areas of the website. The website cannot function properly without these cookies.
Statistical cookies help website owners understand how visitors interact with websites by collecting and providing information anonymously.