A parent asked: “My son is failing his subjects, he had to repeat grade 9 because he made low CGPA. Please assist as he doesn’t seem to be bothered.“

I am sorry to hear about this. It is not an easy situation to handle.  

In my experience, very few teenagers don’t really care about their grades. What looks like ‘not being bothered’ may be his way of coping with the situation. Perhaps he has lost his self-confidence, feels overwhelmed because he has fallen really far behind and doesn’t know how to get back on track, or maybe he is depressed.  

So, the most important question is: Why is he getting bad grades? Students typically have poor grades because: 

• They don’t understand the content. 

• They lack the executive function skills needed to succeed at school (e.g., planning, organization…). 

• There is something going on in his life impeding him to focus on schoolwork. 

First, have a chat with him and try to understand what is going on: Is he unhappy at school or at home?; Is he OK with his friends?; Is his mental health, OK?; Did his bad grades started suddenly or did they develop over time?; May he be experiencing bullying? For this conversation to work you really need to make him feel that whatever he says you won’t get angry, that you are on his side, and that you want to help him. 

You also need to talk with his teachers and include him in the conversations. It is important to include him because if he doesn’t take an active role in his learning, nothing that you do, will work.  

With his teachers, you need to rule out any potential learning disabilities (e.g., dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia), or any other conditions (e.g., ADHD). If there are any doubts, it is definitely worth asking for him to be screened. If this screening reveals any issues, you need to work on a support plan with his doctors and the school. 

Also, with his teachers and with him, discuss his behaviour at school. Does he pay attention in class?; Does he do his homework?; Is he accepted in the peer group?; Are there any patterns on the feedback he gets from his teachers? (e.g., perhaps they all comment on their lack of understanding of concepts, or his poor writing skills….). It is also very important that with him and his teachers, you discuss the executive skills needed to do well in school. These skills involve planning, organization, being able to pay attention, or short-term memory. As you can tell, these skills are fundamental to succeed at school but very often teenagers don’t have them well established and may need support.  

You may find useful this article on executive function skills.  

Once you all identify the issues that he may be struggling with, you all need to devise a support plan. If he is struggling to grasp new content, he may need a tutor or a homework club. If he is struggling with executive function skills, he may benefit from having a coach. If he is struggling with emotions or mental health, he may need a psychologist. This plan should have very specific goals, be measurable, and be revised periodically.  

I wish there was a recipe I could give that would sort it all out but sadly, things are never that simple. One important thing I want you to know is that your son’s poor grades are not a reflection of you as a mother. Do not measure your success based on your child’s achievements. It is also important that you take care of your own mental health. If you want further support, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.  

I wish you and son all the best of luck. 

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar

For many people, parenthood comes as a huge shift (understatement!). However, some of us can find the transition to parenthood – from pregnancy, through the post-natal period and beyond into parenting – more challenging than others. 

This can be a difficult and unsettling experience if we don’t have an understanding of why we seem to be finding things harder than those around us. However, many of us are starting to realise that there might be a good reason why we have found the parenting journey particularly challenging – and it’s not because we are “bad parents”. 

Diagnoses such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and other parts of the neurodivergent umbrella are much more common than previously thought, and many people are beginning to self-identify or seek diagnosis later in life. This is often prompted by the experience of parenthood – either through searching for answers to explain how we are feeling, or perhaps because our child themselves receives a diagnosis.

Many parents ⁽¹⁾ find the realisation that they are neurodivergent can help lift the weight of guilt or shame that they may have around their parenting journey, help them make sense of what they have experienced, and begin to embrace the joys of neurodivergent parenting.

So, What Is the Experience of Neurodivergent Parents, and Why Might It Be Different?

Parenthood begins long before the baby arrives, often with a complex mix of planning, adapting, and navigating social expectations. For neurodivergent parents, pregnancy can heighten sensory sensitivities, amplify emotional challenges, and disrupt established routines ⁽²⁾. Coping with sensory overload from physical changes, hormonal shifts, and medical appointments can be tough. Healthcare providers may not always have neuroinclusive practices, but this can be compounded by the fact that many pregnant people may not yet realise they are neurodivergent.  

Birth brings a moment of joy but also potential difficulty. It is not always possible to follow a birth plan and neurodivergent parents and their partners may find it more difficult to advocate for their needs at this time. Feeling out of control can be a trigger for any new parent, but may be especially challenging for autistic parents ⁽³⁾. The post-natal ward may be challenging from a sensory point of view, with overwhelming sounds, lights, and smells, plus midwifes and nurses helping with intimate care or breastfeeding who may not be aware of the need for explicit consent around touch.

Similarly, the transition to early parenthood is marked by sleepless nights, emotional highs and lows, and the need to adapt quickly. Neurodivergent parents may find the sensory demands of caring for a newborn—crying, feeding, and frequent touch—particularly intense ⁽⁴⁾. Executive functioning challenges, like managing time or balancing multiple tasks, can also become more pronounced.

For some, societal pressures to “parent perfectly” may lead to masking—suppressing neurodivergent traits to meet perceived expectations. This can contribute to emotional exhaustion and hinder the development of an authentic parenting style. This pressure can be exacerbated if we also have a neurodivergent child – which is likely, given the heritability of neurodivergence – because our child may not fit neatly into the boxes provided by society’s expectations.

So What Helps?

Embracing Strengths and Joys of Neurodivergent Parenting

Neurodivergent parents often develop unique parenting styles that may differ from mainstream narratives. Neurodivergent people tend to bring adaptability and creativity to their parenting, and may feel less constrained by society’s norms. Giving yourself permission to do what is right for YOU and your child can be incredibly liberating, particularly for parents who have spent a lifetime masking their differences and trying to “fit in”.

Parents may find they are able to tune into their child’s needs more sensitively and empathically. This means neurodivergent parents can be wonderful advocates for their child, and are also able to connect with their child’s joy in a special way. Many parents find they are more able to encourage intense interests, for example, or “stimming” behaviours (such as flicking fingers or pacing) that their child finds soothing or enjoyable. Neurodivergent parents who understand their own triggers as well as their child’s may, for example, have more insight into how best to create a sensory-friendly environment at home that meets everyone’s needs.

Sharing these wins with other people, especially other neurodivergent parents, can be hugely validating and comforting, and can form the basis of greater self-compassion in parenting.

The Importance of Community

One of the most powerful tools for neurodivergent parents is community support. Shared experiences and mutual understanding can lift feelings of isolation and provide a platform for practical lived-experience advice and emotional validation. Feeling understood can make all the difference to neurodivergent parents, who may often feel misunderstood or lacking in support. Neurodivergent parent communities can offer a safe space to exchange strategies, celebrate milestones, and address challenges without fear of judgment or a need to camouflage or mask. 

Being part of a neurodivergent community can also be essential for parents learning to embrace a “neuroaffirmative” mindset – seeing neurodivergence as difference rather than deficit, and celebrating human diversity. Feeling confident in the value of all neurotypes can help parents model this stance to their children, too.

Examples of neurodivergent community support could include:

• Online forums or local meet-ups for neurodivergent parents.

• Parent-and-baby groups that are neurodivergent-inclusive.

• Advocacy groups that offer resources tailored to neurodivergent families.

Access to Evidence-Based Information

Parenthood comes with an avalanche of advice, from well-meaning friends to parenting books and social media influencers. For neurodivergent parents, finding trustworthy, evidence-based information is especially important. The volume of conflicting opinions can be overwhelming, making it difficult to determine what works best for each individual family.

Key topics neurodivergent parents may seek information on often include managing competing sensory needs in the family; managing executive functioning challenges while parenting; emotional regulation both for parent and child; and understanding and supporting neurodivergent children.

Parents feel more confident if they can access reliable, neuroaffirmative resources—whether through neurodivergent-affirming professionals, well-researched articles, or specialist parenting programmes. These resources should always respect the individuality of each parent-child relationship, offering flexibility and validation rather than rigid guidelines. Armed with trustworthy information, neurodivergent parents often feel they are more able to advocate for their own needs where necessary, as well as for their child.

What Neurodivergent Parents Need from Society

Neurodivergent parents thrive when supported by an environment that validates their experiences and embraces their differences. Partners, families, and healthcare professionals play a crucial role in creating this environment by:

• Listening without judgment and validating the parent’s perspective on their family’s unique needs.  

• Adapting communication styles and providing clear, concise, and actionable information. 

• Encouraging self-compassion and challenging societal expectations that contribute to masking or self-doubt.  

• Providing practical help to reduce stress and avoid burnout.  

Finally

Parenthood is not about perfection, or “getting it right”. It’s about building a nurturing and loving relationship with our child, and neurodivergent parents embrace this like any other parent. Diversity in parenting styles enriches our families and creates a world that celebrates difference. Through understanding ourselves, offering ourselves self-compassion and playing to our strengths, seeking tailored resources, and building supportive communities, neurodivergent parents can thrive on this wild ride we call parenting.

About the Author

Dr Jo Mueller is a Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years’ experience specialising in work with parents and neurodiversity. She co-founded The Neurodiversity Practice alongside Drs Lauren Breese and Siobhan Higgins in order to provide trustworthy, authentic support for neurodivergent people. She hosts The Neurodivergent Parent Space, an online community for parents who want to Find Their People alongside evidence-based resources that can lighten the parenting load. The Neurodiversity Practice also run monthly webinars for neurodivergent (or wondering) parents on a variety of topics, and offer free downloadable resources. Find out more here: https://www.theneurodiversitypractice.com/parents

References

⁽¹⁾ Elliott J. K. et al. The neurodivergent perinatal experience — A systematic literature review on autism and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Women and Birth 37, 6 (2024)

⁽²⁾ Pohl, A.L., Crockford, S.K., Blakemore, M. et al. A comparative study of autistic and non-autistic women’s experience of motherhood. Molecular Autism 11, 3 (2020).

⁽³⁾ Talcer, M.C., Duffy, O. & Pedlow, K. A Qualitative Exploration into the Sensory Experiences of Autistic Mothers. J Autism Dev Disord 53, 834–849 (2023).

⁽⁴⁾ Westgate, V., Sewell, O., Caramaschi, D. et al. Autistic Women’s Experiences of the Perinatal Period: A Systematic Mixed Methods Review. Rev J Autism Dev Disord (2024).

“On how to help my son with his social skills and talking to him about sex”

This is an important topic, and it is brilliant that you want to support your son.  

It is never too early (nor too late) to talk about sex with our children. Rather than having ‘the talk’, it is better to have lots of little talks over time. Having regular conversations about it also sends the message that this topic is important and that it is a normal part of life.  

Each child is different so I cannot hand you a set script. What I can tell you is that the most important thing is for your son to know that he can ask you or tell you anything and you won’t get angry or judge him.  

When discussing sex with your son, focus on a.) explaining the biology of it (e.g., vaginal sex, oral sex…), and b.) your own values around it (e.g., how a healthy romantic relationship looks like, consent, respect, intimacy…).  

Be open and listen to him. Don’t judge him. Give him your opinion based on your own values and ask him if he agrees with you. If he doesn’t, be respectful. Let him know that you value his opinion, even it is different from yours. Whatever he says, try not to overreact.  

You don’t need to get everything right and you don’t need to know all the answers. What matters is to open the conversation. If you feel uncomfortable discussing sex, do it while going for a walk, driving, or cooking, that way you don’t have to make direct eye contact.  

There are some resources you may find useful. We have two REC Parenting masterclasses around this topic:  

• Teen Dating Violence with Dr. Kirsty Lee 

• How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenager with Dr. Tara Porter 

There is also a book I really like called: “This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained” by Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett. 

Now on how to help your son with his social skills. We aren’t born with our social skills; they need to be taught. Our children learn social skills by observing how we behave (e.g., how we greet others, how we worry about others, how we listen to others). And they also learn these skills, when we explicitly teach them (e.g., “You need to look people in the eye when you talk to them”).  

There are 10 social skills that I think are important to explicitly teach your son: 

• Make eye contact. 

• The ability to listen, not just hear. 

• Talk to different people in different ways: we don’t talk in the same way to a teacher, an elderly person, or a friend.  

• Respect everyone even if we don’t particularly like them or they have different values.  

• Reading non-verbal communication: it is estimated that as much as 60% of communication is non-verbal, therefore the better we can understand it, the better we are able to communicate with others.  

• How to communicate assertively but politely: this is the ability to express their feelings, act in their own interests, and stand up for themselves without being aggressive.  

• Self-regulation: when we self-regulate well, we are able to react appropriately in every social situation we encounter. Research shows that children and teenagers prefer to be around those who can self-regulate well.  

• Pay attention to how others react to you. 

• Keep a conversation going.  

• Find a balance between online and in-person socializing. 

I hope this helps. Please do not hesitate to get in touch with me if you want further support. I wish you and your son all the very best.  

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

“If I was unaware of being pregnant, but still had alcohol on two separate occasions, what is the likelihood of that affecting the baby?”

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are not the only one that has drunk before finding out  you were pregnant (for what is worth- it happened to me also). Think that nearly half of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned, so there are lots of people that have been in your situation. 

There is little reason to panic if you had some drinks. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists and the UK Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists both say harm from having a little alcohol before you were pregnant is unlikely.  

The important thing is that now you know you are pregnant, that you stop drinking alcohol. There is no known safe amount of alcohol use during pregnancy so it is better not to have any at all. If you want more information, check the US Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) guidelines and the advice from the NHS in the UK.  

Try not to dwell in the past and enjoy your pregnancy.  I wish you all the very best!  

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Perhaps you have been adopting your scout elf for a few years. Perhaps you are not sure what the Elf of the Shelf is about. Discover if this family tradition is for you. 

Where Does the Elf on the Shelf Come From?

Elf on the Shelf is a Christmas tradition started by Carol Aebersold and her daughters, Chanda Bell and Christa Pitts. It started as a family tradition but in 2005 Carol and her daughters published a book and elf kit, “Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition”. In 2007, actress Jennifer Garner, was seen carrying the book. Soon after, The Today Show featured the book. The Elf on the Shelf went viral. Millions of kits have been sold and the line has expanded to include clothing, accessories, animals, and more. 

The story goes that Santa’s Scout Elves return to the north pole each night of December to report back to Santa who is being nice and who is being naughty. The elves then fly back and hide in a new spot for the children to find them the next morning. Some elves like to stir up mischief each night before finding their new hiding spot.

The official elf wears a solid red suit with a white collar. He also wears white mittens, and a red hat with a white brim. 

What Are the Rules?

• Children cannot touch the elf, or he will lose his magic.

• The elf’s magic can be restored.  

• The elf does not move or speak while the children are awake. 

• The elf hears everything.

• The elf needs a name. Names tend to be something silly and cute, like Buddy, Snowflake, Bing, or Chippey. 

• The elf matches the personality of their family.

At What Age Can You Start the Elf on the Shelf Tradition?

You can start it at any age but usually parents start when their children are around 2 or 3 years-old. 

When Does the Elf on the Shelf Makes His First Appearance?

Usually, he appears between the 24^th of November and the 1^st of December, so he is around for a month until his return to the North pole on Christmas Eve. It will keep you busy during the holiday season!

Elf on the Shelf Ideas

• The Christmas Tree

• In the pantry

• Living room spot

• Inside the holiday wreath

• On the mantel

• In the stocking

• In the fridge

• By the door

• On the staircase

• In the blanket

• In a plant

• On a bookshelf

• In a drawer

Is It Good or Bad for Children to Believe in the Elf on the Shelf?

In the past few years some psychologists ⁽¹⁾ have voiced their concerns against parents promoting their children to believe in traditions, such as Santa or the Elf on the Shelf. Why? Because they believe that when parents lie to their children, children may stop trusting them when they find out the truth. 

What Does the Research Say about the Elf on the Shelf?

As far as I know there is no research looking specifically at the Elf on the Shelf but we can rely on the research on other imaginary characters, like Santa.  

Evidence shows that it is not negative for children to believe in imaginary characters like Santa ⁽²⁾, the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny. Magical thinking is part of children’s development specially between the ages of 5 and 8. During these ages, many children have an imaginary friend and believe in monsters and flying carpets. Blurring the lines between reality and fantasy is part of childhood. 

When Do Children Find the Truth About the Elf on the Shelf?

Research shows that around age 8, children start to figure out that Santa and the Tooth Fairy are not real. Most children come to this conclusion ⁽³⁾ on their own when they realize that the story is physically impossible. 

Is It Better to Tell Children the Truth or To Let Them Be?

Children report feeling better when they managed to find the truth by themselves. So, even if you think your child is too old not to know the truth, let them be! 

Sometimes your child may know but they choose not to tell you because they want to keep the magic going or because they think you will be sad once you know they know. 

By the time your child comes to you to discuss it ⁽⁴⁾, they usually have given it plenty of thought and are ready to face reality. Follow your child’s lead. Use their questions to assess where to take the conversation and what they are ready to discuss and understand. 

One important thing to tell them once they find out is not to spoil the fun for other kids: “Once you know, your job is to keep the magic going for other kids”. 

Finally

Whether you do the Elf on the Shelf or not, we wish you and your family a wonderful Christmas! If you have any questions or comments, please get in touch with me.

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Boyle, C., & McKay, K. (2016). A wonderful lie. The Lancet Psychiatry, 3(12), 1110-1111.

⁽²⁾ Goldstein, T.R. & Woolley, J. (2016). Ho! Ho! Who? Parent promotion of belief in and live encounters with Santa Claus. Cognitive Development, 39, 113-127. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cogdev.2016.04.002

⁽³⁾ Anderson, C.J., Prentice, N.M. Encounter with reality: Children’s reactions on discovering the Santa Claus myth. Child Psych Hum Dev 25, 67–84 (1994). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF02253287

⁽⁴⁾ Mills, C. M., Goldstein, T. R., Kanumuru, P., Monroe, A. J., & Quintero, N. B. (2024). Debunking the Santa myth: The process and aftermath of becoming skeptical about Santa. Developmental Psychology, 60(1), 1–16. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001662

In my therapy room, I often hear parent couples ask, “What happened to us? We used to be so relaxed and carefree!” Even the most solid relationships often struggle with the seismic shift that comes with introducing a baby into the family ⁽¹⁾. From practical challenges like getting enough sleep and navigating childcare, to differing expectations of each other now as partners. 

Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that relationship satisfaction can decrease after having children ⁽²⁾. As new parents we have far less access to the protective relationship factors that keep us feeling closely connected (think: time to chat, time to chill, time to have sex!) ⁽³⁾.

Regardless of how normal it is to find the transition from romantic couple to parent couple challenging, it is still a rarely spoken phenomenon. Social media is awash with lots of ways to compare yourself, and naturally we only see the smiling, happy family and couple photos. We know that if parents feel isolated and ashamed about their difficulties, they are less likely to seek help – which can make relationship challenges even worse. 

It has been said that nourishing your relationship alongside parenting reduces stress in the family ⁽⁴⁾. Relationships can endure higher levels of stress when they are fortified with mutual support and attention. 

But what does that mutual support and attention actually look like in the months and years of early parenthood?

Communicating Well

Good communication as a couple is essential. Whether this is coming together to make a game plan to tackle your baby’s new sleep schedule or taking time and space to really hear about what an experience has been like for your partner. Often, we can forget about how important the skill of listening is in communication. Good listening helps you to understand things from your partner’s point of view and is a solid predictor of relationship satisfaction ⁽⁵⁾. It might seem obvious, but to really be listening we often need to stop what we are doing and pay full attention to our partner’s words and body language. It’s easy to fall into the trap of half-listening while thinking about what you’ll say next, but true listening requires full attention.

The words we use also shape how we communicate. Using “I” statements helps prevent defensiveness and opens the door to understanding. Rather than blaming, describe how you feel and what you experience from your perspective.

Managing Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, and parenting adds new layers to it. Maybe you have different ideas about a parenting challenge or feel upset about an uneven share of household chores.

Research separates out destructive and constructive conflict ⁽⁶⁾. Destructive conflict typically involves personal attacks, a lack of resolution and resulting emotional distress. These are the fights when everyone feels hurt, and probably regrets something uttered in the heat of the moment. Constructive conflict, on the other hand, focuses on the issue at hand, shows mutual respect, and aims to solve the problem through compromise or collaboration. So, it is possible to argue well, but it’s not always easy to do so in the heat of the moment. A tip towards more constructive conflict is to always try to focus on the issue, not the person. 

Accepting Relationship Changes

I encourage parents to look at their lives as a couple as being in seasons. This introduces a way of accepting relationship changes (just like we accept the moving of seasons) and acknowledges that something that feels difficult now, will likely shift and change. 

It takes trust and a sense of vulnerability to open up to your partner about some of the ways that your relationship might have shifted since becoming parents. Trust can be harder to come by if we feel as though we are not on the same team. 

For some couples, it might be that discussing with an impartial professional such as in couples therapy is the right answer, for others improving communication and openness with each other bit by bit makes the difference. 

Rebuilding Protective Factors

Communication, intimacy and quality time together all take a hit when a baby is born, and it may feel like that ease of being with each other has gone out of the window. We tend to think about intimacy in relation to sexual intimacy, and of course that does play a role, but intimacy and sex are different things. 

Physical connection can come in many forms, like hugs or kisses, and small gestures—like buying your partner’s favourite treat—can keep emotional closeness alive.

It can be really difficult between nappy changes and other care commitments to communicate about how you are feeling. This can add to a feeling of distance between each other. It can be helpful to set aside time to talk, share an activity and connect ⁽⁷⁾ . If a “date night” just feels too out of reach at the moment, I often suggest that couples commit to just one moment in the week (a quiet evening cooking dinner, Saturday afternoon walk with the buggy) where they can commit to talking and listening to each other. 

About the Author

Dr. Naomi is a Clinical Psychologist with over 12 years experience of working in mental health settings. She works in private practice in Amsterdam supporting parents in the ‘perinatal period’- from pregnancy to childbirth and all aspects of the transition to parenthood.  She is particularly interested in the ways that couple relationships shift and change (for better or worse!) once kids come along, and recently launched Stick Together- Conversation Cards for New Parents, which are a set of 40 beautifully designed question cards crafted to bring partners closer together, as they navigate parenthood. Buy them now!

References

^{(1) Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969}

^{(2) Karimi, R., Bakhitoyari, M., Arani, A. M. (2019). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: a systematic review. Epidemiol Health. doi: 10.4178/epih.e2019023}

⁽³⁾ Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and Marital Satisfaction: A Meta-Analytic Review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 574–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x

⁽⁴⁾ Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2008). And Baby Makes Three:The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives. New York: Harmony Press

⁽⁵⁾ Walker, S.A., Pinkus, R.T., Olderbak, S. et al. People with higher relationship satisfaction use more humor, valuing, and receptive listening to regulate their partners’ emotions. Curr Psychol 43, 2348–2356 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04432-4

⁽⁶⁾ Gao, M., Du, H., Davies, P.T. and Cummings, E.M. (2019), Marital Conflict Behaviors and Parenting: Dyadic Links Over Time. Fam Relat, 68: 135-149. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12322

⁽⁷⁾ Anderson, S. A., Russell, C. S., & Schumm, W. R. (1983). Perceived marital quality and family life-cycle categories: A further analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 45(1), 127–139. https://doi.org/10.2307/351301

If you are in social media and follow ‘mumfluencers’ or any parenting accounts, for sure you must have heard of gentle parenting. You may swear by it, you may hate it, or you may not be sure about what it really means.  

Whatever your feelings towards this popular parenting style, do you really know what the research says about it?  

We explain everything you need to know about gentle parenting.  

Who Came Up with Gentle Parenting? 

British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith introduced the term ‘gentle parenting’ in 2015. Since then, gentle parenting took a life of its own on social media and You Tube, fuelled by ‘parenting experts’ and ‘mumfluencers’.  

At the time of writing this article, a Google search on ‘gentle parenting’ generates 1.68 million hits and around 850,000 hits in Instagram.  

Do you know how many scientific articles are there on gentle parenting? One. Just one.  

So, I wonder… All this advice that parents are getting is based on… what evidence exactly?  

From a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children.  

What Does Gentle Parenting Mean? 

Gentle parenting does not really have an official doctrine. Ockwell-Smith defines it as a ‘mindset’ and a ‘way of being’ with an ‘emphasis on your child’s feelings’. 

These are considered its four main tenets: 

1. Empathy: Parents should always acknowledge their children’s feelings.  

2. Respect: Children deserve the same respect as adults.  

3. Understanding: Parents’ expectations of their children should be in line with their children’s developmental stage. 

4. Boundaries: Parents should establish boundaries to foster a stable, healthy, and loving environment for their children.  

In terms of discipline, a gentle parent never uses rewards and punishments. Instead, they validate their children’s feelings. They always try to understand their child’s motivations when they misbehave.   

You may be thinking: “What’s not to like about this? I agree with those four points”. As a principle, I agree too. But parenting is not that easy. Let me explain my reservations about gentle parenting.  

There Is No Scientific Research on Gentle Parenting  

I cannot emphasize enough that there is no scientific research examining this parenting philosophy. Researchers have not examined how children raised by gentle parenting do in comparison with children who are not raised by gentle parents.  

At the time of writing this article (November 2024) there is only one study examining gentle parenting. This study ⁽¹⁾ examined 100 parents in the US with at least one child aged between 2 and 7 years old. Almost half of them (N = 49), identified themselves as gentle parents. They reported high levels of parenting satisfaction and felt competent to raise their children. However, some of them were very critical of themselves and did not feel as competent. One third of those who identified as gentle parents, reported high levels of parenting uncertainty and burnout.  

What does this study tell us? That whereas some parents are doing OK following the gentle parenting guidelines (although it is not clear what this means), other parents may be finding this parenting philosophy too demanding.  

In sum, we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for children because no studies have examined it. And we cannot really conclude if approach to parenting is good or bad for parents because we only have one study examining it. There is simply no data.  

Most parenting styles (e.g., gentle parenting, lighthouse parenting, dolphin parenting, tiger parenting, conscious parenting…) are not based on scientific evidence. They are created by influencers, social media, and the press.  

In contrast, there is plenty of research on the four traditional parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. There is also decent research on helicopter parenting.  

I Have More Reservations on Gentle Parenting 

I find it incredibly judgemental.

Gentle parenting followers advocate that theirs is the only way to raise emotionally competent children. Really?  What about the millions of emotionally competent people who were not raised by ‘gentle parents?’.  Moreover, no one wants to be defined as ‘ungentle’, right? So, by default If I say that I am not a gentle parent, does this mean that I am so kind of unsensitive, harsh mother?  

It Is a Form of Intensive Parenting.

We do not generally consider gentle parenting as a form of intensive parenting but from my perspective, we should. Why? Because it considers that parents have a lot of influence on how children turn out to be, it is very much child-centred, and it ignores parents’ needs (more on this later). 

Advocates of gentle parenting argue that when our child is misbehaving, throwing a tantrum or needs us, we must always be there for them. This sounds fantastic in an ideal world, but I don’t think is neither realistic nor a valuable lesson for our children. First, you are giving your child the idea that everything revolves around them. Not true. Second, when we drop everything whenever our children need us, we are not teaching them to wait or to self-regulate. Finally, intensive parenting is negative for parents’ mental health ⁽²⁾. 

Is Gentle Parenting Really Helpful?

Gentle parenting tells you how to react to your child’s behaviour. (e.g., “I understand you don’t want to put your shoes on, but we need to go to school. I know you are finding it hard.”). What if my child doesn’t change his behaviour at that time? If my child doesn’t choose to put his shoes on, what do I do then? Do I keep repeating the same line, over and over? Am I meant not to take him to school?  

It Seems that Parents Go from Gentle Parenting to Permissive Parenting.

Probably because it is difficult to discipline children following the gentle parenting advice, it seems that parents may end up not enforcing clear rules to their children.  

It Makes All Emotions Equally Important.

Gentle parenting dictates that we should always discuss and validate our children’s feelings. The issue is that when we validate every single feeling that our child is having, we are making them equally important. I am not saying that you should ignore your child’s emotions. I am totally up for discussing my kids’ emotions when they come back from school being upset or when they are lashing out at their sibling constantly.  What I am saying is that discussing for 15 minutes in the morning why your child does not want to put their shoes on, may be going too far. Sometimes, children need to do things because that is how life works.  

My Main Concern Has to Do with How Gentle Parenting Relates to Parents’ Own Wellbeing 

Given that there is no data on how gentle parenting relates to parents’ wellbeing, we can only rely on anecdotal evidence. Based on what parents are saying on social media and the press, it seems that gentle parenting sets unrealistic expectations for parents, especially for those who take it to the extreme.  

I totally agree with gentle parenting telling not to use any forms of physical discipline with their children. There is a lot of research showing that physical discipline is not beneficial for children. However, expecting parents never to lose their cool, never to yell in frustration when they have asked their children 33 times to brush their teeth is totally unrealistic. Moreover, research shows that occasional yelling is not linked with negative outcomes for children.  

Even more, modelling to our children that we should never lose our cool, that we never yell, that we are always composed, is giving them an unrealistic view of how people behave. Our role as parents is to teach our children how to deal with their own negative emotions and with the negative emotions of those around them. We fail to do that when we never show them that we also get it wrong, that we make mistakes, and that we sometimes lose our cool.  

If There Is No Scientific Evidence, Why Do Parents Adopt the Gentle Parenting Approach? 

It is not clear, but it has been speculated that gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents themselves were raised. Millennial parents were raised in a more authoritarian manner, and they practice gentle parenting as a reaction. Indeed, in a 2023 Pew Research Center report ⁽³⁾, 44% of parents said they wanted to raise their children differently to how they were raised. They wanted to be less punitive and more gentle.  

Gentle parenting may simply be a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations. This is not new. Through generations, parents have gone from being told to treat their kids like adults (Watson in the 1920s), to move away from harsh parenting (Dr Spock in the 1940s) to the very intensive way we are raising our kids these days. The difference is that until recently, parenting advice always came from scholarship. New parenting styles, like gentle parenting and the others we have already mentioned, seem to come from the media.  

A Final Word 

In general, I don’t like labelling parenting styles. Other than the four traditional parenting styles, I don’t think they are useful.  

Ultimately, we must remember that parenting is not about ‘producing’ a child. Our focus when raising our children, should be to create a strong, solid relationship with them. That is the most important predictor for our children’s wellbeing. Any parenting style, such as gentle parenting, that completely ignores parents’ needs and focuses solely on the needs of the child, is doing parents and children a disservice.  

And please, try as hard as you can to ignore Instagram posts promoting gentle parenting. They are usually high on shame induction and low on nuance.  

I hope you find this article useful. If you have questions or comments, please do get in touch with me.

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References 

⁽¹⁾ Pezalla AE, Davidson AJ (2024) “Trying to remain calm. . .but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLoS ONE 19(7): e0307492. https://doi.org/ 10.1371/journal.pone.0307492  

⁽²⁾ Rizzo, K.M., Schiffrin, H.H. & Liss, M. Insight into the Parenthood Paradox: Mental Health Outcomes of Intensive Mothering. J Child Fam Stud 22, 614–620 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9615-z 

⁽³⁾ Minkin R, Horowitz JM. Parenting in America Today. 

We have created the ultimate baby registry checklist, so you don’t need to worry.  

Friends and family will be eager to pick out presents for your baby, so to avoid ending up with 20 onesies, putting together a baby registry list is definitely a good idea. Not sure where to start? You don’t need to worry because we have created the ultimate baby registry list for you.  

What Is a Baby Registry? 

A baby registry is a wish list of products that you would like to get in preparation for your baby’s arrival. You can then share your baby registry with your friends and family. Many parents do this before the baby shower. You can either create one registry including products from different shops or you can register with only one store (e.g., amazon baby registry).  

When to Register for Your Baby 

This is up to you, but it is a good idea to start doing your research towards the end of the first trimester. You can add items to your registry as and when you have the time.  

Baby Registry Checklist 

It is up to you to decide what to include in your registry but below we list the items that we consider essential for any new parent.  

Baby Gear 

• Infant car seat 

• Stroller 

• Baby carrier or sling (optional) 

• Baby swing or bouncer (optional) 

Nursery Items 

• Baby monitor. 

• Crib, carrycot or Moses basket.  

• Mattress. 

• A waterproof cover for the mattress.  

• 2-4 fitted crib sheets 

• Nursing chair 

• Nightlight 

• Changing table or cushioned changing pad 

• Mobile 

Baby Clothes 

• 2 sleeping bags 

• 4-8 bodysuits 

• 4-8 onesies 

• 4-8 one-piece pyjamas 

• 1-3 sweaters or jackets 

• 1-3 rompers of other dress-up outfits 

• 1-3 socks or booties 

• 2 hats 

• Bunting bag or fleece suit for a winter baby 

• 2 shawls or blankets to wrap the baby in 

Diapering  

• Cloth diapers or disposable newborn- size diapers 

• Baby wipes 

• Diaper rash cream 

• Diaper bag 

• Diaper genie or diaper pail (optional) 

Feeding  

If you plan to breastfeed: 

• Breast pump 

• Nursing pads 

• Breastfeeding pillow 

• Breast milk storage bags (if you plan to pump) 

• 4 bottles and nipples 

• 4 bibs 

• Burp clothes 

• Bottle steriliser (optional) 

• Bottle warmer (optional) 

• Bottle brush 

If you plan to bottle-feed: 

• Formula 

For later: 

• High chair 

• 2 baby spoons 

• 2 baby bowls 

• 3 sippy cups 

Bath Items 

• 2 hooded towels 

• Infant tub 

• Bath set or inflatable tub-within-a-tub (after 6 monts) 

• Baby bath wash and shampoo 

• Baby lotion 

• Baby comb and brush 

Health Products 

• 2-4 dummies 

• Baby nail scissors 

• Thermometer 

• Nasal aspirator 

Safety Products 

• Safety gates 

• Childproofing gates 

Baby Toys 

• Play mat 

• Activity center 

• Bath toys 

Postpartum Items 

• 3-4 nursing bras 

• 2 nursing gowns 

• Disposable postpartum underwear 

• Pads and liners 

Things You Can Do Without 

• Wipe warmer: Absolutely unnecessary. If you think the wipe is chilly, simply hold it between your hands to heat it out.  

• Nappy stacker 

• Neck floaters: The CPSC has warned that parents using against them , following an infant death. The FDA also recommends parents not to use them because they can cause neck strain and injury, especially in babies with special needs.  

• Weighted blankets or swaddles: the AAP advises that they are not safe to use for babies younger than one.  According to the CPSC, at least one baby died while wearing a weighted sleep sack and another died while wearing a weighted swaddle.  

• AI assisted baby monitor: The first weeks of a baby’s life can be stressful, especially when we try to understand why the baby is crying: “Is he hungry? Sleepy? Why is he crying now? I’ve done everything I was meant to do!”. Therefore, many parents love the idea of an AI assisted baby monitor that promises to decode your baby’s cries, may sound like music to your ears. It is meant to tell you if the baby sounds gassy, hungry, fussy, sleepy, or agitated. Sounds great, right? It does but I have two concerns. One, is that AI is only as good as the data it trains on. The data is essentially based on a sample of adults decoding a sample of babies’ cries. Are these adults reliable? Two, your baby needs to be attuned to you, they need to get to know you, and for you to get to know them. Will using an AI baby monitor impede or promote you being attuned with your baby? 

• White noise machine: new research is showing that long-term exposure to white noise at high volumes can cause hearing loss or experience learning setbacks.  

• Pillow, loose bedding, blankets or cot bumper: All of these items are dangerous because they increase the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). It is really important that follow the safe sleep guidelines for infants.

• Baby walker: the AAP states that baby walkers are never safe to use, even with an adult close by. Contrary to what many parents think, they won’t help your kid to learn to walk. Even more they can delay when a child starts to walk.  

• A baby-size robe: a total nightmare to put on! 

• Shoes: babies don’t need shoes. Booties or socks will do until your baby starts walking.  

• A baby-food marker: a regular blender or food processor will do.  

An Important Note  

• Don’t assume that because a baby product is safe just because it is being sold. For example, in the U.S. it us up to the manufacturers who make the products to self-test, self-regulate, and self-report their own safety and compliance.  

• You can buy second-hand many of the things in this list or you can inherit them from friends or family. However, keep in mind that it is not recommended to get a second-hand infant car seat. The reason for this is that you cannot be certain of its history. It could have been involved in a crash and the damage could not be visible or it could be missing its labels. Also, car seats have expiration dates for their restraints.  

I hope you find this checklist useful. If you have any questions, please do get in touch with us. 

We wish you and your baby all the very best! 

Love,  

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar  

When you are breastfeeding, knowing if your baby is hungry or not, or whether he is getting enough milk, can seem like an impossible task ⁽¹⁾! And if your baby is cluster feeding, then your confusion can go through the roof. In this article, we give you the clues to deal with cluster feeding. 

What is Cluster Feeding?

Cluster feeding is when infants want to feed more frequently (sometimes all the time) than usual. They want to feed in clusters throughout the day. 

A newborn baby usually needs a minimum of eight feeding sessions in a 24-hour span. Each nursing session usually ranges from 10 to 30 minutes. But newborns usually don’t follow a clear schedule. Many newborns want to be fed more often than this and will group or cluster many feedings in a shorter period of time. 

Is Cluster Feeding Normal? 

Yes, it is absolutely fine. Cluster feeding does not mean that there is anything wrong with your baby nor with your breast milk supply ⁽²⁾. 

There is no need to worry, as long as your baby is:

• Gaining weight.

• Content between feeds. 

• Having a lot of dirty and wet nappies. After the first five days, around six or more heavy wet diapers and three or more poopy nappies every 24 hours is a good sign that your baby is feeding enough. 

Having said this, yes, cluster feeding can be exhausting and frustrating for you. 

Why Do Babies Cluster Feed?

We don’t really know why some babies cluster feed. There are several theories:

• It may happen when the baby goes through a growth spurt ⁽³⁾. In the first few months, growth spurts can happen every few days. Growth spurts can mean that your baby is putting on weight and getting taller, but they also happen when they develop new skills. 

• Some babies may cluster feed to soothe themselves when they are teething or when they feel unwell.

• Some babies may cluster feed in the ‘witching hour’. This is the name the early evening receives, when many babies become irritable, and cry a lot. 

When Do Babies Cluster Feed?

The most common times are: 

• Right after birth.

• At 2 weeks of age.

• At 1 month of age.

Having said this, remember that every baby is different. There is no way of knowing when or if cluster feeding will happen or how long it will last. 

Signs of Cluster Feeding

These are some common signs: 

• Being irritable when they are awake but not at the breast.

• Eating in short and frequent spurts close together.

• Feeding normally and fully and wanting another feed 30 to 60 minutes later.

• Wanting to be fed very often in the early evening and at night. Although it can happen at any time of the day. A baby that usually feeds every 2-3 hours, might nurse every 30 minutes for a few hours in a row. 

• Getting frustrated when the breast is just in front of them and latching on and off. 

How Long Does Cluster Feeding Last?

The good news is that it usually only lasts a few days to stop cluster feeding. 

Is It Cluster Feeding or Colic?

Colic ⁽⁴⁾ is like cluster feeding in that it often happens in the evening and can come on suddenly. However, whereas a cluster feeding baby will get soothed while feeding, a colicky baby is not soothed even when feeding. 

Will I Produce Enough Milk to Feed my Baby While Cluster Feeding?

Yes. Usually, babies feeding stimulates breast milk production. In most cases, your body will increase milk production to keep up with the demand. 

Do Formula-Fed Babies Cluster Feed?

Yes, they do. Bottle-fed babies usually feed less often than breastfed babies because formula is digested slower than breast milk. However, formula-fed babies may want to feed more often, or they may want to feed for longer. 

Challenges of Cluster Feeding

Cluster feeding can be physically and emotionally draining for parents. Very often, parents think that they are doing something wrong or that they are failing when their baby wants to feed non-stop. This happens because they have an idea of what ‘normal’ feeding looks like and they think that cluster feeding is not normal. But remember, cluster feeding is a normal part of development. Exhausting, absolutely, but it does not mean that you are doing anything wrong. 

In general, research shows that breastfeeding tends to be good for mothers’ mental health. However, when mothers’ expectations about breastfeeding are very different to their actual experience , their mental health may suffer. It is therefore important that you understand how breastfeeding works. 

It Is Important to Take Care of Yourself When Dealing with Cluster Feeding

• Stay hydrated if you are breastfeeding.

• Take steps to avoid sore nipples. 

• Keep snacks and water next to you while you breastfeed.

• Set a comfortable area for you to breastfeed that allows you to listen to podcasts or audio books, watch TV, read a book, or talk to your partner or friends. 

• Change breastfeeding positions often to avoid feeling sore. 

• Eat well.

• Ask others to help you with other tasks. 

• Rest as much as you can.

• Try to sleep when you can. 

• Understand ⁽⁵⁾ it is normal and that it will pass.

Final Message

Cluster feeding is part of normal development for many babies but this does not mean that it is easy for you. If you are feeling exhausted or need one-to-one support, get in touch with us, we will put you in contact with a lactation consultant or with a therapist, depending on what your needs are. 

We also have a fantastic REC Parenting masterclass with registered midwife and International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, Dee Bell, that you will find useful. 

Love, 

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Kehinde, J., O’Donnell, C., & Grealish, A. (2023). The effectiveness of prenatal breastfeeding education on breastfeeding uptake postpartum: A systematic review. Midwifery, 118, 103579.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2022.103579

⁽²⁾ Kent, J. C., Prime, D. K., & Garbin, C. P. (2012). Principles for maintaining or increasing breast milk production. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing, 41(1), 114-121. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jmwh.2007.04.007

⁽³⁾ Deshpande, W. (2008). Exclusive breastfeeding for the first six months. Community Practitioner, 81(5), 34.

⁽⁴⁾ Hjern, A., Lindblom, K., Reuter, A., & Silfverdal, S. A. (2020). A systematic review of prevention and treatment of infantile colic. Acta Paediatrica, 109(9), 1733-1744. https://doi.org/10.1111/apa.15247

⁽⁵⁾ Yuen, M., Hall, O. J., Masters, G. A., Nephew, B. C., Carr, C., Leung, K., … & Moore Simas, T. A. (2022). The effects of breastfeeding on maternal mental health: a systematic review. Journal of women’s health, 31(6), 787-807.https://doi.org/10.1089/jwh.2021.0504

Few topics are as controversial as Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS). Whereas some medical experts defend that there is enough evidence to support it, others question the diagnosis. Keep reading to discover what shaken baby syndrome is, how to prevent it, and what the controversy is all about. 

What Is Shaken Baby Syndrome?

Shaken Baby Syndrome ⁽¹⁾ is a serious brain injury that occurs when a parent or a caregiver violently shakes a baby. As the baby’s brain, neck, and skull are still immature, violent shaking can cause swelling, bruising, and bleeding in the brain. As a result, the brain can be permanently damaged, impairing the baby’s future development or even killing them. 

SBS is also known as whiplash shaken infant syndrome, inflicted head injury, shaken impact syndrome, or abusive head trauma. 

The National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome (NCSBS) in the US estimates that there are between 600 and 1400 cases of shaken baby syndrome a year. It is the leading cause of death from physical child abuse in the U.S. 

Shaken Baby Syndrome Symptoms  

Symptoms ⁽²⁾ vary a lot and are caused by generalized brain swelling. They may appear immediately after the shaking and tend to reach a peak within 4 to 6 hours. Often, there is no obvious physical sign of violence or injury, therefore parents and caregivers may not be aware of what has happened to the baby. As a result, they may think that the baby is fussy because they have a virus or a cold. 

These signs and symptoms may indicate shaken baby syndrome:

• Brain swelling, bleeding in the eyes, and blood in a protective layer that sits between the brain and the skull, called the dura. These three symptoms are typically referred to as the triad. 

• Vomiting.

• Poor feeding.

• Dilated pupils that do not respond to light.

• Breathing problems and irregularities.

• Cardiac arrest.  

• Seizures or convulsions. 

• Decrease/increase in tone. 

• Lethargy.

• Irritability.

• Coma.

• Fractures in the femur, humerus, or ribs, depending on how the infant was held. 

• Death.

How Is Shaken Baby Syndrome Diagnosed?

• Baby’s medical history ⁽³⁾.

• Exam for retinal haemorrhages.

• X-rays.

• Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans.

• Computed tomography (CT) scans.

• Skeletal survey.

• Drug screening. 

• Blood sample.

• A thorough medical, forensic, and social investigation that excludes alternative diagnoses, underlying disease, and accidental trauma. 

How Is Shaken Baby Syndrome Treated?

It is treated ⁽⁴⁾ in the same way as any cranial haemorrhage. Typically, the brain is drained using a surgical procedure. 

It is important that parents disclose the incident as soon as possible to prevent further damage to the baby’s physical and mental health. 

Prognosis of Shaken Baby Syndrome

Although each case of SBS is different, the prognosis is poor ⁽⁵⁾ in most cases. It is a common cause of severe traumatic lesions and mortality in infants. 

Common disabilities include: 

• Speech delays.

• Developmental delays.

• Learning disabilities.

• Paralysis.

• Seizures.

• Epilepsy.

• Cerebral palsy. 

• Permanent hearing loss.

• Vision loss. 

• Blindness.

Mortality rate is approximately 15-25%. For those who survive, 80% suffer long term disabilities. Around 5-10% are left in a vegetative state, 30-40% suffer visual impairment, 30-50% experience paralysis or developmental retardation, and 30% suffer epileptic episodes. 

Until What Age Can Shaken Baby Syndrome Happen?

It can be seen in children up to 5 years old, but it is more likely during the first year of life ⁽⁶⁾. It occurs most often in babies younger than six months old. 

Who Is More Likely to Do This To A Baby?

• Ethnicity, race, or socio-economic status do not play a significant role in SBS ⁽⁷⁾.

• A factor that plays a role is the psychological state of the parent or caregiver.

• Men are more likely to violently shake their babies. 

Are Some Babies at Higher Risk than Others?

Yes, babies ⁽¹⁾ who are:

• Premature at birth (they tend to be more restless and more prone to crying)

• Male.

• Younger than 4 months

• Have pathologies (they require more complex parental care)

How Can Parents and Caregivers Prevent Shaken Baby Syndrome?

The number one trigger for SBS is frustration when a baby won’t stop crying. All babies cry, however, some cry more than others, may it more difficult for parents and caregivers to keep their cool. Typically, babies cry for 4 or 5 hours a day, peaking at 6-8 weeks of life. From around 3 months of age, most babies start crying a bit less. 

This means that SBS is totally preventable and that efforts must be made to educate parents about normal infant crying and how to prevent SBS. There is a program called the “Period of Purple Crying” that has been developed by the National Center of Shaken Baby Syndrome, that is being quite successful. 

‘Purple’ is an acronym of:

• Peak of crying: Your baby may cry more each week, the most in month 2, then less in months 3-5.

• Unexpected: Crying can come and go, and you don’t know why.

• Resists soothing: Your baby may not stop crying no matter what you try.

• Pain like face: A crying baby may look like they are in pain, even when they are not. 

• Long lasting: Crying can last as much as 5 hours a day, or more.

• Evening: Your baby may cry more in the late afternoon and evening.

Can Tossing a Baby in the Air or Rough Play Cause Shaken Baby Syndrome?

No. The force required to cause shaken baby syndrome makes it very unlikely to happen by accident. 

SBS injuries are not caused by:

• Tossing a baby in the air.

• Bouncing a baby on your knee. 

• Falling off a couch or other furniture.

• Sudden stops in a car or driving over bumps.

• Jogging or cycling with your baby.

Controversy Among Medical Experts 

The view of most medical experts, police forces, and prosecutors is that when the triad of symptoms (brain swelling, bleeding in the eyes, and blood in the dura) is found, it is very likely that violent shaking has taken place. Even when there are no other physical signs of abuse, such as bruising, fractures, or neck injuries. They argue that although the presence of the triad is not absolutely diagnostic of child abuse, it is highly suggestive of the diagnosis, particularly if there are no other impact injuries. The absence of an alternative obvious explanation warrants an investigation to determine if the child ⁽⁸⁾ has been subject to abuse. 

On the other hand, during the past few decades a growing number of sceptics have questioned if there is ever enough evidence to link the triad with a shaken baby. They claim that SBS can never be diagnosed with absolute certainty. 

The implications of this debate are incredibly important. Sometimes, abused babies are left at the mercy of their abusers when their parents are not found guilty. On the other hand, parents may be wrongly accused of abusing their children, they may be wrongly convicted, and their children may be unfairly removed from the home. 

The term ‘Shaken Baby Syndrome’ was first quoted in 1972 by British paediatrician neurosurgeon Norman Guthkelch. Based on a few cases, he introduced the hypothesis that shaking a baby backwards and forwards in whiplash-like manner might cause the triad of symptoms. However, Guthkelch became worried ⁽⁹⁾ that injustices were taking place and later in his life became a campaigner against the ‘dogmatic thinking’ of triad believers. 

Finally…

Much remains to be understood about SBS. What is clear is that our main priority should always be to protect our children. Therefore, educating parents to know how to deal with a crying baby and the dangers of shaking, is of paramount importance. 

At REC Parenting, our aim is to give you the tools to manage those moments when the baby won’t stop crying. If you have any questions on this topic, or you would like 1-2-1 support, please do get in touch with me. We are here to help! 

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Latino, A. L., Miglioranzi, P., Coppo, E., & Giannotta, F. (2024). Knowing, recognizing, and preventing shaken baby syndrome: The role of primary care pediatrician. Global Pediatrics, 9, 100206.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.gpeds.2024.100206

⁽²⁾ Ludwig, S., & Warman, M. (1984). Shaken baby syndrome: a review of 20 cases. Annals of emergency medicine, 13(2), 104-107. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0196-0644(84)80571-5

⁽³⁾ Saunders D, Raissaki M, Servaes S et al (2017) Throwing the baby out with the bath water — response to the Swedish Agency for Health Technology Assessment and Assessment of Social Services (SBU) report on traumatic shaking. Pediatr Radiol 47: 1386–1389

⁽⁴⁾ Mian, M., Shah, J., Dalpiaz, A., Schwamb, R., Miao, Y., Warren, K., & Khan, S. (2015). Shaken baby syndrome: a review. Fetal and pediatric pathology, 34(3), 169-175. DOI: 10.3109/15513815.2014.999394 

⁽⁵⁾ Antonietti, J., Resseguier, N., Dubus, J. C., Scavarda, D., Girard, N., Chabrol, B., & Bosdure, E. (2019). The medical and social outcome in 2016 of infants who were victims of shaken baby syndrome between 2005 and 2013. Archives de Pédiatrie, 26(1), 21-29. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.arcped.2018.10.002

⁽⁶⁾ Lee, C., Barr, R. G., Catherine, N., & Wicks, A. (2007). Age-related incidence of publicly reported shaken baby syndrome cases: is crying a trigger for shaking?. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 28(4), 288-293.10.1097/DBP.0b013e3180327b55

⁽⁷⁾ Sinal, S. H., Petree, A. R., Herman-Giddens, M., Rogers, M. K., Enand, C., & DuRant, R. H. (2000). Is race or ethnicity a predictive factor in shaken baby syndrome?. Child abuse & neglect, 24(9), 1241-1246.https://doi.org/10.1016/S0145-2134(00)00177-0

⁽⁸⁾ Vinchon M (2017) Shaken baby syndrome: what certainty do we have? Childs Nerv Syst 33:1721–1733. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00381-017-3517-8

⁽⁹⁾ Guthkelch AN. Problems of infant retino-dural hemorrhage with minimal external injury. Houston J Health Law Policy 2012; 201–8, ISSN 1534-7907, http://bit.ly/29b5qqn. 

Have you ever wondered why your baby is fascinated with tags? What makes these little pieces of satin fabric that detail garment care or label a toy capture your baby’s attention so well – and sometimes even better than the toy itself?

When my eldest daughter was about 5 months old, I noticed her interest in tags and bought her a Taggies toy: a soft fleece blanket with small loops of satin ribbon in all the colors of the rainbow sewn around it. Can you guess which color my baby liked best? None of them. She went straight for the product tag hiding in between!

I’ve since learned that tags have several properties that make them particularly interesting to babies. Exploring what these properties are can offer us a glimpse into how babies learn about the world around them.

The Mystery of Labels and Tags

Tags Are Usually Attached to the Edges of Objects

During the first weeks of life, babies tend to first look at the edges, or outer contours, of a new object as they figure out its shape – and that’s where the tags are usually found. As your baby scans the perimeter of a new toy, he will likely pause at the ‘irregularity’ created by the tag.

Tags Are a Common Feature Between Different Objects

Tags are present on many objects your baby notices in and outside your home, making them an interesting phenomenon for baby to categorize. Just like scientists, babies learn by figuring out patterns in the world around them: they place objects and events they repeatedly observe into categories, and then use these categories to predict the outcomes of future events. For example, by about 5 months a baby usually learns that when she drops something, it falls down; it’ll take a few years before she learns the term ‘gravity’, but she’s already discovered a pattern: objects tend to fall without support ⁽¹⁾. She will begin understanding that liquids and solids behave differently ⁽²⁾ around 6 months and gain a sense of object transparency ⁽³⁾ around 8-9 months. When a baby sees a new object or event that fits into a category she’s already figured out, she doesn’t pay extra attention to it. For example, when an older baby drops a ball and it falls down, she is not surprised: her brain sees this predicted experience as “usual”. But when the experience is unusual — say, she sees a helium balloon floating in the air — she cannot easily fit this observation into her existing knowledge, so her brain pays special attention. This is why tags present an interesting challenge: they are a common feature between different objects, but they look and feel a little different each time!

Tags Offer High Contrasts

On most tags, the text is printed against a contrasting background for ease of readability. Newborns cannot see very well yet; it takes a typically developing baby a few months ⁽⁴⁾ to be able to detect all colors. Even then, more intense and contrasting colors are still easier for babies to spot – and so high-contrast tags draw their attention.

Tags Are Easy to Grasp and Manipulate

As your baby’s fine motor skills progress, he learns to intentionally reach for, grasp, and manipulate objects – and tags are perfect for practicing these newfound skills. The tags themselves tend to be quite small; standalone objects of this size aren’t safe for babies to play with due to risk of choking. However, when securely attached to a larger, safe-to-play-with objects, tags can be explored safely. Feeling the tag’s texture, flipping it over, and noticing the small details can be interesting and calming for babies. It can also be intriguing for babies to feel the difference in texture between the tag itself and the items it’s attached to.

This is why my baby went straight for the product tag instead of exploring the colorful ribbon loops: the product tag likely looked like something she’d seen before, there was only one tag of this type, and the text stood out against the light background, capturing her attention.

Should You Let Your Baby Play with Tags?

I’ve seen parents express concern over their baby’s fascination with labels and tags, wondering if such ‘tag obsession’ is normal. As you can see, it’s very normal and, in fact, can be a sign of learning and growing. 

Before you let your baby play with a clothing or toy tags, always check that tags are securely sewn in and won’t come loose (a loose tag could become a choking hazard due to its small size). Make sure the tags your baby plays with are made of soft, smooth materials that won’t hurt your baby’s fingers or gums and don’t have any loose threads that could wrap around baby’s fingers or toes.

And what if your baby is not interested in tags? I wouldn’t worry. She may not have discovered them yet or is simply focusing on other patterns and textures around her.

Sensitive Observation

Whether your baby is interested in tags or not, she is learning incredibly fast. One way to really notice what she’s working on is to simply be with your baby, without the distraction of screens or the pressure to do something, even for just a few minutes every day. Hold your baby or lie down next to her and watch her quietly. Try not to think about what you want her to do or what the charts say she’s supposed to be doing at this age; see her in the moment, as she is. Notice what she’s looking at, what she’s working on, what captures her attention most, and what might be challenging for her. Sensitive observation like this will help you figure out what play objects your baby might enjoy most at this stage – and, more importantly, help you get to know your baby as a unique, special little person.

About the Author

Anya Dunham, PhD, is a research scientist studying ecology, a mom to three young kids, and the author of Baby Ecology, an award-winning book that brings together insights from hundreds of scientific studies to help parents understand babies’ biological needs and create the environment for feeding, sleep, and play that suits their unique baby best. Connect with Anya at https://www.kidecology.com/

References

⁽¹⁾ Needham A, Baillargeon R. Intuitions about support in 4.5-month-old infants. Cognition. 1993 May;47(2):121-48. doi: 10.1016/0010-0277(93)90002-d. PMID: 8324998.

⁽²⁾ Hespos SJ, Ferry AL, Anderson EM, Hollenbeck EN, Rips LJ. Five-Month-Old Infants Have General Knowledge of How Nonsolid Substances Behave and Interact. Psychol Sci. 2016 Feb;27(2):244-56. doi: 10.1177/0956797615617897. Epub 2016 Jan 7. PMID: 26744069.

⁽³⁾ Luo Y, Baillargeon R. When the ordinary seems unexpected: evidence for incremental physical knowledge in young infants. Cognition. 2005 Apr;95(3):297-328. doi: 10.1016/j.cognition.2004.01.010. Epub 2005 Jan 7. PMID: 15788161; PMCID: PMC3351380.

⁽⁴⁾ Skelton, A.E., Maule, J., & Franklin, A. (2022). Infant color perception: Insight into perceptual development. Child Development Perspectives, 16, 2, 90-95. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12447

Photo Credits

Photo 1: Reyes Migs via Pexels

Photo 2: Pexels rune Stock Project

Photo 3: Spencer Selover via Pexels

Photo 4: Polina Tankilevitch via Pexels

All of us parents know that parenthood is both a joyful and a challenging experience, and that we can feel totally stressed out at times.  But what happens if you experience too much stress, for too long, and don’t have the resources to cope with it? That’s when we can develop something called ‘parental burnout’ – when chronic parenting stress leaves us feeling exhausted, disconnected from our children and not being the parent we’d like to be ⁽¹⁾.

The term ‘parental burnout’ has been around since the 1980s but there wasn’t any significant research into it until the last few years and that takes time to tickle down into the public conscience. So, despite it being a relatively common condition (5% of parents worldwide are suffering from burnout) ⁽²⁾, it’s not yet widely talked about or understood. 

Given how distressing parental burnout can be for both parents and children, it’s really important that we raise awareness of it.  A great place to start is Dr. Ana Aznar’s helpful overview article, and in this article, we’re going to bust some of the most common myths about parental burnout.

Myth #1: It Only Affects Mothers

The most common myth is that parental burnout only affects mothers, but that’s absolutely not the case – there’s a reason we call it ‘parental’ and not ‘maternal burnout’. Mothers might be most at risk as they often have the most contact with children and carry a disproportionate amount of the mental load, but fathers can, and do, burn out too.

In fact, some studies suggest that fathers may be even more vulnerable to parental burnout ⁽³⁾, perhaps because traditional gender roles have left fathers less prepared for the challenges of childcare and men may feel less able to seek emotional and practical support. Research also suggests that the consequences of parental burnout, such as withdrawing from your child or having escape fantasies, are also found to be more severe in fathers than in mothers.

Myth #2: It Only Affects Parents with Young Children

While it can be exhausting to be frequently managing tantrums, picky eating, and sleepless nights, parental burnout doesn’t just affect parents of young children – it can happen at any stage of parenting when a parent’s coping resources aren’t enough to cover the stress they’re under.

Parents of older children can be under just as much stress when their hands on, physical care isn’t needed.  The tasks of parenthood change as children grow – parents of teens are dealing with more emotional and psychological challenges like mood swings, peer difficulties, risky behavior, and school issues. Not surprisingly, parents of older children and teens report feeling more emotional than physical forms of burnout.

Myth #3: It Only Affects Parents of Children with Special Needs

While it’s true that having a child with special needs is a risk factor for increased parental stress and burnout, no single risk factor is enough to trigger burnout on its own. Often, the most impactful risk factors have more to do with the parent or family system than the children such as parental perfectionism, difficulties with emotional regulation, lack of social support or household disorganization.

And this is good news – these are factors that are likely to be much more amenable to change and can be addressed with a therapist or coach.

Myth #4: It’s Not Real; It’s Just ‘Millennial Snowflakes’ Complaining

Millennials didn’t invent the term “parental burnout”. In fact, the earliest book I’ve read on parental burnout is from 1983; a time when the oldest millennials were just babies. 

It’s likely that we’re hearing the term now because of two things – arguably the pressures on parents have increased in the last 40 years as the dominant parenting culture has become more ‘child-centred, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labour-intensive and financially expensive’ ⁽⁴⁾ which has made parental burnout more common.  

And secondly, because we’re more aware of, and open to talking about, emotional and mental health than we were in previous generations.  The stigma around talking about parental burnout really declined during the Covid-19 lockdowns when most parents felt exhausted by parenthood. One silver lining of that time was that the research literature on parental burnout rapidly grew with so many of us experiencing parental burnout and that will hopefully lead to better support for parents in future.

Myth #5: It Only Affects Single Parents

As we discovered with Myth #3, a single risk factor isn’t enough to cause parental burnout. It’s about the balance of stressors and resources you have. Not having a co-parenting partner is definitely a challenge, but that doesn’t mean having a co-parent makes life easier. In fact, in one study, single mothers were found to be less emotionally exhausted than partnered mothers who rated their partner as unavailable or only moderately available ⁽⁵⁾.

Single parents can be more vulnerable to burnout, not purely because of their single status, but because they are more likely to experience related risk factors such as lack of downtime, less financial security, and increased mental load. However, a single parent with a good support system and coping strategies is not necessarily more likely to burn out than a parent with a co-parenting partner.

Myth #6: It’s More Common in Disadvantaged Parents

We commonly see social and economic disadvantage as a causal factor in many mental health conditions but that’s not what we find with parental burnout. On the contrary, research shows that it tends to happen more in well-educated, affluent families ⁽⁶⁾.

We need more research to fully understand why this is the case. It might be related to personality traits – these parents could be more achievement-focused and perfectionistic, putting undue pressure on themselves and their children, or being hyper-aware of all the parenting advice and trying to execute it perfectly. Or it could be that these families are more likely to have moved away from their families of origin and hometowns for work and are more isolated.

Myth #7: It’s More Common in Parents Who Work Long Hours

Perhaps you thought about those affluent parents and wondered whether they’re more stressed because they work long hours. But this might surprise you – parents who work part-time or stay at home are actually more likely to burn out than those who work full-time ⁽¹⁾.

These parents often spend more time with their children and take on more of the parental responsibilities, which means they’re more exposed to the stressors of childcare and less exposed to the rewards of work – like accomplishment, adult company, and financial independence. Their balance of stressors and resources is therefore more likely to be unbalanced, and their risk of developing parental burnout increased.

Conclusion

Parental burnout doesn’t fit neatly into one box – there’s no single “type” of burned out parent or a specific risk factor that causes burnout. Any parent can experience burnout if they face more stress than they have the resources to cope with. It’s not a personal failing.

The good news? Burnout can be managed. By addressing the balance between stressors and resources, research shows that the symptoms of parental burnout can improve, along with the associated stress hormone levels ⁽⁷⁾. So, if you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional and get the support you need so you can get back to enjoying family life.

About the Author

Dr. Katy Hill is a clinical psychologist with over 20 years’ experience of working across a variety of different NHS and university psychology departments. She was the first UK clinical psychologist to qualify as a certified parental burnout practitioner with the Training Institute of Parental Burnout in 2022. As a mum of three herself, Dr. Katy is passionate about supporting parents to reduce their stress levels, manage difficult emotions and improve relationships with their children, and themselves.  You can find her at www.drkatyhill.com or on Instagram @theparentalstresspsychologist.

References

⁽¹⁾ Mikolajczak, M., Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., & Roskam, I. (2023). 15 years of parental burnout research: Systematic review and agenda. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32(4), 276-283.https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214221142777

⁽²⁾ Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2021). The slippery slope of parental exhaustion: A process model of parental burnout. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 77, 101354.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2021.101354

⁽³⁾ Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Gender differences in the nature, antecedents and consequences of parental burnout. Sex Roles, 83(7), 485-498. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5

⁽⁴⁾ Hays, S. (1998). The fallacious assumptions and unrealistic prescriptions of attachment theory: A comment on” Parents’ Socioemotional Investment in Children”. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(3), 782-790. https://doi.org/10.2307/353546

⁽⁵⁾ Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Wendland, J., & Boujut, E. (2021). Who are and are not the burnout moms? A cluster analysis study of French-speaking mothers. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 4, 100091. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadr.2021.100091

⁽⁶⁾ Mikolajczak, M., Brianda, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child abuse & neglect, 80, 134-145.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025

⁽⁷⁾ Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Hair cortisol concentration as a biomarker of parental burnout. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 117, 104681.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104681

You may have heard the term ‘matrescence’. This word was first quoted by anthropologist, Dana Raphael, in 1973. However, it was not really picked up until 2023 when a journalist, Lucy Jones, published her book: ‘Matrescence: On the Metamorphosis of Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood’. If you have not read it, I really recommend it! 

What Is Matrescence?

How did you feel when you became a mum? Did you maybe feel elated, frightened, guilty, judged, angry, stretched, and everything in between? Did you maybe feel inadequate because you had all those feelings but were afraid to voice them? If this relates to your experience, welcome to the club! You are not alone. The good news is that we finally have a word to describe this complex transition of becoming a mother: Matrescence.  

The bad news is that we don’t really understand the process of matrescence. If you think about it, there are thousands of books and millions of articles published on pregnancy, but the reality is that they are not focused on the mother but on the baby. The mother is only referred to if her actions and emotions affect the baby.  

In many countries, there is a baby shower to mark the birth of the baby but there is no acknowledgment of the transition that the woman is going through. Becoming a mother is the biggest transition women go through in their lifetime, yet in the Western world, we do not celebrate nor do we acknowledge it. Not only are new mothers not celebrated, but they are expected to ‘bounce back’ and ‘go back to their old self’ as soon as possible. It is almost as if becoming a mother is something to hide. As if the physical, cognitive, and identity changes that becoming a mother carry, should not only not be embraced but buried under the carpet.

Is This a Problem?

Yes, it is. We live in a society where it is only OK to talk about the good things of motherhood. But what about the things that are not so good? What about the guilt, the intrusive thoughts, the shame, the boredom, the competition, the judgement, or the anger that mothers also feel?  

Not being open about our emotions around motherhood may be one of the reasons why one in five pregnant and new mothers experience mental health issues ⁽¹⁾, ranging from postnatal depression to maternal psychosis. This type of isolation may be a trigger for these mental health issues. To make it worse, many of these women never seek help for fear of being judged and stigmatized.  

The sad reality is that we know very little about why so many women experience these mental health issues because we know very little about women’s health in general, and even less about maternal health. I was shocked when I learnt that the first textbook ⁽²⁾ about maternal mental health was only published in 2022.  

What Are the Changes that Women Go Through During Matrescence? 

Matrescence refers to the process of becoming a mother. It includes the physical, hormonal, neurobiological, and identity changes that women go through when they become mothers.  

Few areas in psychology have developed as slowly as theory and research about mothers and the transition to motherhood. The first studies on the maternal brain only started in the 2010s. This means that we are only starting to understand the maternal brain and how life-altering the transition to motherhood is. Let me explain you briefly what the few neuroscience studies on the maternal brain are finding.  

Some studies have compared the brain of pregnant or first-time mums with those of women who have never had kids. In 2017, researcher Hoekzema ⁽³⁾ and her colleagues in Barcelona, found that the grey matter of mothers’ brain reduced in size, to make the brain more efficient to take care of the baby. A few years later (2022), they published another study ⁽⁴⁾ and fascinatingly they found that because of the changes to the brain, new mothers developed a new perception of themselves. They developed a new sense of identity when they become mothers. A study with a similar methodology was published in 2023 by Orchard ⁽⁵⁾ and colleagues at Yale University. They found that mothers’ brains were more efficient, responsive, and flexible than the brain of women who had never been mothers.  

In their lab in Madrid, Carmona ⁽⁶⁾ and her colleagues, took a different approach and compared the brain of mothers with the brain of teenagers. They found that the magnitude and type of changes in the brain that happen during motherhood and adolescence are very similar. Both periods are also very sensitive and prone to the development of mental disorders. Both periods are times of incredible plasticity for the brain. The big difference is whereas the adolescence brain has been studied since the 1990s, research on the maternal brain only started in the 2010s.  

A different approach was yet again taken by Pritschet ⁽⁷⁾ and her colleagues in a study published at the time of this writing (September 2024). They scanned the brain of one woman repeatedly over two years, starting three weeks before she became pregnant until two years after she gave birth. They found changes across all areas of the brain, allowing the brain to become more specialised in preparation for motherhood.  

There Are Two Important Conclusions From These Studies

1. We should stop talking about the ‘mum brain’ in a pejorative ⁽⁸⁾ way. Instead, we should start talking about ‘mum brain’ as a streamlined, specialized, and effective brain structure that equips women to take care of their baby and to deal with the demands of the new stage of their life more resourcefully.  

2. Research on the maternal brain will help us understand the high prevalence of postpartum mental disorders amongst mothers.  

Do Fathers Go Through ‘Patrescence’?

Scientists are only starting to investigate the ‘dad brain’. And it seems that their brain ⁽⁹⁾ changes in a similar way as that of new mothers. Essentially, it seems that the brain of mothers and fathers becomes more streamlined to what it needs to do: care for the baby.  

However, it seems that these changes may take longer for fathers than to mothers. Partly, because without the experience of pregnancy, changes depend more on how connected the father feels with the baby. When a baby and their caregiver, touch each other, look into each other’s eyes, or smell each other, their brainwaves become synchronized.  

Interestingly, a study ⁽¹⁰⁾ published early this year, also shows that new fathers are at higher risk of experiencing mental health issues. This suggests that caregiving may come at a cost.   

What About Non-Birthing Parents?

As I mentioned, the concept of ‘matrescence’ was first quoted by Dana Raphael. She only included biological mothers. Later, it was expanded by Dr Aurélie Athan to include those women who become mothers through surrogacy or adoption.  

However, to date and as far as I know, no study has examined the matrescence of those are not biological parents. 

A Final Word

Let’s remember that when a baby is born, a mother is also born. And she needs care as well. Research on the maternal brain tells us that matrescence is a particularly sensitive period when women are more likely to experience mental health issues.  

Do you know what protects new mothers against mental illness? Feeling supported. So, let’s start supporting each other. It’s about time.  

If you want to find out more about matrescence, Dr Alexandra Sacks TED talk is excellent!  

If you are struggling from your own matrescence, please do get in touch. Our REC Parenting therapists are here to support you.  

Love,  

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar 

References

⁽¹⁾ L. Van den Branden, N. Van de Craen, L. Van Leugenhaege, R. Bleijenbergh, E. Mestdagh, O. Timmermans, B. Van Rompaey, Y.J. Kuipers, On cloud nine? Maternal emotional wellbeing six weeks up to one year postpartum – A cross-sectional study, Sexual & Reproductive Healthcare (2023), doi: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.srhc.2023.100856 

⁽²⁾ Hutner et al. (eds), Textbook of Women’s Reproductive Mental Health (APA, 2022).

⁽³⁾ Hoekzema, E., Barba-Müller, E., Pozzobon, C., Picado, M., Lucco, F., García-García, D., … & Vilarroya, O. (2017). Pregnancy leads to long-lasting changes in human brain structure. Nature neuroscience, 20(2), 287-296. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.4458

⁽⁴⁾ Hoekzema, E., van Steenbergen, H., Straathof, M., Beekmans, A., Freund, I. M., Pouwels, P. J., & Crone, E. A. (2022). Mapping the effects of pregnancy on resting state brain activity, white matter microstructure, neural metabolite concentrations and grey matter architecture. Nature Communications, 13(1), 6931. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.4458

⁽⁵⁾ Orchard, E. R., Voigt, K., Chopra, S., Thapa, T., Ward, P. G., Egan, G. F., & Jamadar, S. D. (2023). The maternal brain is more flexible and responsive at rest: effective connectivity of the parental caregiving network in postpartum mothers. Scientific reports, 13(1), 4719. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-023-31696-4

⁽⁶⁾ Carmona, S., Martínez‐García, M., Paternina‐Die, M., Barba‐Müller, E., Wierenga, L. M., Alemán‐Gómez, Y., … & Hoekzema, E. (2019). Pregnancy and adolescence entail similar neuroanatomical adaptations: A comparative analysis of cerebral morphometric changes. Human brain mapping, 40(7), 2143-2152. https://doi.org/10.1002/hbm.24513

⁽⁷⁾ Pritschet, L., Taylor, C. M., Cossio, D., Faskowitz, J., Santander, T., Handwerker, D. A., … & Jacobs, E. G. (2024). Neuroanatomical changes observed over the course of a human pregnancy. Nature Neuroscience, 1-8.

⁽⁸⁾ Orchard ER, Ward PGD, Egan GF, Jamadar SD. Evidence of Subjective, But Not Objective, Cognitive Deficit in New Mothers at 1-Year Postpartum. J Womens Health (Larchmt). 2022 Aug;31(8):1087-1096. doi: 10.1089/jwh.2021.0441. PMID: 35980243

⁽⁹⁾ Paternina-Die M, Martínez-García M, Pretus C, Hoekzema E, Barba-Müller E, Martín de Blas D, Pozzobon C, Ballesteros A, Vilarroya Ó, Desco M, Carmona S. The Paternal Transition Entails Neuroanatomic Adaptations that are Associated with the Father’s Brain Response to his Infant Cues. Cereb Cortex Commun. 2020 Nov 4;1(1). https://doi.org/10.1093%2Ftexcom%2Ftgaa082

⁽¹⁰⁾ Darby Saxbe, Magdalena Martínez-García, Cortical volume reductions in men transitioning to first-time fatherhood reflect both parenting engagement and mental health risk, Cerebral Cortex, Volume 34, Issue 4, April 2024, bhae126, https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhae126

You may have heard about magpie parenting. In this article we tell you what it is and we give you the latest research and advice in case you are thinking of adopting this living arrangement.

What Is Magpie Parenting?

Magpie parenting (also known as bird nest parenting or bird-nesting) is a living arrangement where after a divorce or separation, the kids stay in the family home, while the parents rotate in and out of the property, taking it in turns to take care of the children. 

The goal of magpie parenting is to provide children with stability during a time of massive transition. The children do not go between two homes, instead it is the parents who move between homes. The ex-couple have another house where they stay when they are not in the family home. Or they each have their own place. For some families, this is a temporary measure, whereas others may nest for years. 

 In the same way that birds fly in and out of the nest to take care of their little chicks, parents go in and out of the family home to take care of the children. It is a child-centred approach to co-parenting.  

Magpie parenting has been quite common in Sweden since the 1970s. It has been around for a while in the U.S. ⁽¹⁾ and it is becoming increasingly popular in Europe, mostly amongst middle class families. In 2016, Co-op’s Legal Services ⁽²⁾ found that 11% of separated and divorced adults in the UK had tried magpie parenting. In the UK, it became better known when Anna Whitehouse, aka Mother Pukka, made public in 2023 that they were birdnesting following their divorce. However, it is difficult to know the number of families living under this arrangement as census or residence surveys do not specifically ask about this type of living arrangement. 

One possible reason for the rise in nesting agreements is the current economic climate. Birdnesting can be cheaper that having two family homes. Most couples keep the family home for the children to live in and either rent a flat together or stay with friends or family during their ‘off-duty weeks’. This option also avoids the immediate need after the divorce to sell the family home or to buy out the other parent. 

Benefits of Magpie Parenting

• It provides children with stability. They sleep in the same bed and in the same bedroom every single night. There is no need for them to change schools, friends, nor do they change their everyday routing. 

• Both parents remain very much involved in their children’s lives.

• It may benefit particularly children with special education needs and disabilities (SEND), who may struggle to live between two homes. Birdnesting allows SEND children to remain in a familiar place, with the equipment they need and their familiar routine. Parents do not have to duplicate medical or mobility equipment. 

Problems of Magpie Parenting

• It requires a great deal of planning, organizing, cooperation, and creativity. 

• It may not be the right option if there is a lot of conflict between the parents. The couple remains bound by logistics and finances. This means more chances for conflict to appear. You may end up arguing about whose turn was to buy milk or take the bins out. 

• There need to be very clear and spelled-out agreements and clear boundaries. 

• It can make it harder to move on. Think that you will still be sharing one or two houses. You need to decide whether you will be sleeping in the same bedroom or whether you will have different bedrooms. Your ex’s things will still be there. You will have less privacy and a time when you need to move on and distance yourself from your ex-partner. 

• It may confuse children. As the parents are not completely independent from each other, children may hold onto dreams of their parents getting back together. 

• It can become really complicated when a parent (or both) starts a new relationship. 

• It may make sense short-term but long-term tends to get complicated. 

Experts Are Divided on Its Impact on Children

Understanding the effects of birdnesting on children is difficult because it is a relatively new trend and therefore, we do not have comparative data. Some experts argue that it is better for children because it allows them to keep the same routine and to adapt to the divorce more slowly. On the other hand, others argue that it does not help children process the reality of the divorce. It has even been argued that magpie parenting is all about sheltering the children from the reality of divorce and that it does not help children to process their new family reality. 

Although there is not much research examining magpie parenting, research comparing children living in joint physical custody arrangements (also known as shared custody) versus children living in sole joint custody arrangements may help us understand it better. In general, research shows that children benefit from having contact with both parents, therefore shared custody arrangements tend to be more beneficial for children. Shared physical custody is linked with children’s better psychological, physical, and socioemotional wellbeing as well as closer relationships with fathers (Nielsen, 2014). 

But notice, that I say, ‘tend to’ and not ‘always’. A lot of how well children cope with divorce is down to the level of conflict ⁽³⁾ between the parents and whether they can co-parent effectively. When parents manage to have a good or at least an OK relationship, children benefit from going between one and the other. However, when the level of conflict between parents is high, it may be better for children’s mental health to live under a sole physical custody arrangement. 

So, it seems that what matters for children is not so much whether their parents are nesting or whether the children themselves live between two homes, what matters is the quality of co-parenting ⁽⁴⁾. 

Why Is Co-Parenting Important?

Co-parenting is not the same as the quality of the parents’ relationship. It is broader because it involves the children. Co-parenting refers to the relationship between parents that goes beyond the romantic relationship. Parents who co-parent successfully are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children. 

Research shows that co-parenting quality ⁽⁵⁾ is a key factor determining mental health in children. Co-parenting is key to maintaining family well-being and high-quality relationships between family members. Regardless of whether the parents are together or divorced, children whose parents work well together to raise them, tend to be better off during early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.  

If you are in a divorce process and would like support to develop good co-parenting skills, get in touch with me. Our therapists are here to support you and your family in this process. We will have a therapist ready to work with you within 24 hours. 

You can read more on divorce here.

Love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Meyer, D. R., Carlson, M. J., & Ul Alam, M. M. (2022). Increases in shared custody after divorce in the United States. Demographic Research, 46, 1137-1162.

⁽²⁾ https://www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/news-jan-apr-2016/birds-nest-custody-takes-off-in-the-uk/

⁽³⁾ Augustijn, L. (2021). The relation between joint physical custody, interparental conflict, and children’s mental health. Journal of Family Research, 33(3), 613-636.

⁽⁴⁾ Bergström, M., Salari, R., Hjern, A., Hognäs, R., Bergqvist, K., & Fransson, E. (2021). Importance of living arrangements and coparenting quality for young children’s mental health after parental divorce: A cross-sectional parental survey. BMJ Paediatrics Open, 5(1).

⁽⁵⁾ Eira Nunes, C., De Roten, Y., El Ghaziri, N., Favez, N., & Darwiche, J. (2021). Co‐parenting programs: A systematic review and meta‐analysis. Family Relations, 70(3), 759-776.

Traditionally, the field of psychology talks about four parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive,and neglectful. More recently, other parenting styles, such as helicopter parenting, gentle parenting, attachment parenting, or free-range parenting have emerged.In this article, we are going to explain what the research says about helicopter parents and how they influence their children.

In this article, we are going to explain what the research says about helicopter parents and how they influence their children. 

Are You a Helicopter Parent?

Helicopter parents ⁽⁴⁾ tend to:

• Fight their child’s battles: They involve themselves too much in their children’s lives. 

• Do their child’s homework: In their quest to help their child, they may end up overstepping. 

• Keep close tabs on their children: They may know or attempt to know everything about their child.

• From romantic relationships, friendships, to life at school. 

• Be very concerned about safety: Parents may monitor their teenager’s phone and know where their child is at all times through their device. 

• Blame others for their child’s failures: Helicopter parents may blame the teacher when the child has poor grades.

• Put a lot of pressure on their child: They tend to expect a lot from their child. 

• Micromanage their child: they become involved in every aspect of their child’s life to protect them from pain and disappointment. In toddlerhood, the parent might not allow their child to be alone, through childhood they select their child’s friends and do their homework, and in adolescence they may call teachers to discuss poor grades. 

What Are the Characteristics of Children Raised by Helicopter Parents?

They are more likely ⁽⁵⁾ to: 

• Suffer anxiety.

• Suffer depression.

• Use prescribed medication: Children of helicopter parents are more likely to have mental health issues, and therefore they are more likely to be prescribed medication. 

• Use recreational drugs: Drugs can be a coping mechanism for these children because they have not been allowed to develop effective coping mechanisms nor self-regulation. 

• Feel generally worse.

• Have problems to regulate themselves.

• Have low self-efficacy: Self-efficacy refers to whether we believe we can solve our own problems. When you solve your child’s problems, you are giving them the message that they are not able to solve them on their own. At the same time, you are not letting them develop the necessary skills to solve those problems.  

• Achieve poor academic results: Helicopter parents tend to reduce children’s intrinsic motivation to learn by placing more emphasis on extrinsic motivators (e.g., grades, rewards, parents’ approval). 

• Develop a sense of entitlement: Because parents have always been there to help, children may get used to always having their way. 

It is important to note that most studies find that teenagers and young adults raised by helicopter parents, are more likely to show some or many of these characteristics. This means that the effects of helicopter parenting could be long lasting. 

However, does this mean that all children raised by helicopter parents will develop these characteristics? Not at all. I am explaining here what the research says but it does not mean that these findings apply to every single child. 

Does this mean that having a helicopter parent is enough for children to develop anxiety and depression and all the other characteristics mentioned above? Probably not but we are not sure. There are many factors that explain why a child, or a teen develops these characteristics. Having a helicopter parent is a factor that it makes it more likely, but it is probably not enough on its own. 

Why Is It Bad for Children to Have a Helicopter Parent?

Helicopter parents act from a place of love, but they lose perspective of their child’s needs and become too meshed with their children’s lives. 

Helicopter parents tend to act from a place of fear. When parents are too controlling and protective, they are essentially sending the message to their children that they are not able to overcome and solve their own problems. They are telling them that they need help to deal with life. Helicopter parents prevent their children from developing resilience and self-confidence. 

I Am a Helicopter Parent: How Can I Become More Authoritative?

• First, do not feel guilty. You are acting from a place of love. 

• Know that we can change our parenting. It will not be easy but if you are ready to do the work, you will get there! 

• Rather than trying to change everything at the same time, focus on changing specific behaviours.

• Gradually give your child space. 

• Rather than making the decisions for your child, help them make decisions. Instead of telling them what assignment topic they have to do, discuss the options with them and let them choose (yes, even if you do not agree with it). 

• Allow your child to make mistakes. This is tough, but children need to fail, so they can develop their regulation skills and become resilient. If you never let them fail, they will not be able to face the first problem they encounter and they crumble. 

• Assign chores and age-appropriate responsibilities. Depending on their age, gradually start to assign them tasks. These can range from loading the dishwasher, taking out the bins, walking the dog, to making their own packed lunch and making their own way to school. You may need to teach them first how to do it, even if you think they should know how to do it (this process is called ‘scaffolding’). 

• Our REC Parenting therapists can help you to become more aware of your parenting practices and help you develop strategies to become a more authoritative parent. Get in touch with me now and start working with your therapist tomorrow!

However, Research on Helicopter Parenting Is Not That Simple…

• Most of the studies on this topic are correlational. What does this mean? It means that most studies find a relationship between helicopter parenting and negative outcomes for children, such as depression and anxiety but we cannot conclude for sure that helicopter parenting causes these effects. It could also be that children who for example, show depression or anxiety symptoms, provoke their parents to behave in a ‘helicopter’ manner. The way to know if helicopter parenting really causes those symptoms or if those symptoms cause helicopter parenting is to conduct longitudinal studies. Longitudinal studies take time and are expensive to run. So far, there are only a few longitudinal studies in this area. What did they find? That helicopter parenting causes anxiety and depression. However, more research is needed so that we can confidently trust the existing research.

• Another tricky topic when examining helicopter parenting is how it is measured. Many studies ask parents to report on their parenting style. The problem with this is that parents tend to paint a ‘better’ picture of themselves and therefore their reports may not be accurate. Other studies ask the children to report on their parents’ parenting. The problem with this is that children tend to give a harsher picture of their parents. Also, their recollection may not be accurate. In general, research finds that what matters most for children’s development is not what their parents think they are doing but what the children perceive ⁽⁶⁾ their parents doing. In other words, it does not matter much if you think you are a warm and supportive parent, if your child does not perceive you as such. 

• It is also important to note that most studies only examine mothers, leaving fathers ignored. This leaves us with an incomplete picture of the family dynamics involving helicopter parenting and its effects on children. 

We all want to protect our child from harm, but we must remember that the best way to protect our children is not to solve all problems for them but to teach them to solve their problems. We must let them fail, so they can learn to solve and cope with their problems. Let’s prepare our children to face the road, instead of making the mistake of trying to prepare the road for our children. 

Get in touch.

Lots of love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ LeMoyne, T., & Buchanan, T. (2011). Does ‘hovering’ matter? Helicopter parenting and its effect on well-being. Sociological Spectrum, 31(4), 399–418. https://doi.org/10.1080/02732173.2011.574038

⁽²⁾ Srivastav, D., & Mathur, M. L. (2020). Helicopter parenting and adolescent development: from the perspective of mental health. Parenting-studies by an ecocultural and transactional perspective.

⁽³⁾ Kuppens, S., Ceulemans, E. Parenting Styles: A Closer Look at a Well-Known Concept. J Child Fam Stud 28, 168–181 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x

⁽⁴⁾ Nelson, L. J., Padilla-Walker, L. M., & McLean, R. D. (2021). Longitudinal predictors of helicopter parenting in emerging adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 9(3), 240-251.

⁽⁵⁾ Vigdal JS, Brønnick KK. A Systematic Review of “Helicopter Parenting” and Its Relationship With Anxiety and Depression. Front Psychol. 2022 May 25;13:872981. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.872981. PMID: 35693486; PMCID: PMC9176408.

⁽⁶⁾ Aznar, A., & Battams, F. (2023). Emotion regulation in emerging adults: Do parenting and parents’ own emotion regulation matter?. Journal of Adult Development, 30(2), 193-204. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-022-09427-2

Photo credit: Kenny Eliason via Unsplash

Announce that you are expecting a baby and get prepared to receive parenting advice. A lot of it. A lot of it will be unsolicited advice. Everyone has an opinion on parenting. Get ready! 

You must decide which parenting advice to listen to and which to ditch. You must decide who to listen to and who to ignore. As a child psychologist and as a mum of four, here are the 12 parenting advice tips that I strongly believe that every parent should be aware of. 

1. The Perfect Parent Does Not Exist

This is probably the most important parenting advice for new parents. We all come to parenting thinking that we will be the perfect parent. A mix between Mary Poppins and Maria Von Trapp. But the reality is that the perfect parent does not exist. We all fail at times even though we adore our children. The sooner we accept it, the better we will be able to cope with parenting. Instead of trying to be the perfect parent, adopt the good enough parenting approach ⁽¹⁾. This approach was first quoted by psychologist Donald Winnicott. It means accepting that we will make mistakes and that it is OK. Do not forget that perfect parenting is the enemy of good parenting. Children do not need us to be martyrs.

2. You Will Change. Big Time!

Becoming a parent is a deeply transformative experience. Your body changes, your identity changes, your priorities change, your relationship changes… Yet there is a pressure to bounce back. To come back to our old self. And fast. But why? Why do we need to go back to our old self if we are totally different? Ditch the pressure to bounce back and instead embrace and accept this new stage of your life. This process is called ‘matrescence’ ⁽²⁾  and was first quoted in mid 1970s by anthropologist Dana Raphael. 

3. Do Not Compare Yourself to Others

It is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. This is called social comparison ⁽³⁾. However, it does not mean that because it is ‘normal’, it is necessarily good for us. Social comparison for new parents can be particularly bad. If you find yourself comparing yourself to other new parents often thinking that they do it better than you, that they can cope better than you, that their children are better behaved than yours, or that their homes are better organized than yours, it is time to stop it. Try to focus on yourself and your child. Ignore everything and everyone that is not supportive. Better to ignore Instagram with all those perfectly curated images of perfect families with perfect babies in perfect homes. 

4. People Rarely Say the Truth About Their Parenting

Most parents do not love every single moment of parenting ⁽⁴⁾. They love their children to bits, but they may hate playing with them, taking them to the park may feel incredibly boring, or they may find bedtime profoundly tiring. If you feel this way, it is OK. It does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a human being. Whatever you feel regarding your kids, is totally OK. What may be a problem is what you do with those feelings. Feeling anger towards your child is not a problem. What is a problem is hitting your child when you feel angry. Whatever you are going through, I can assure you that most people have experienced it. Just because people do not talk about it does not mean they are not feeling it. 

5. Parent the Child You Have, Not the One You Dreamt Of

While in the process of becoming a parent, we ‘dream’ of the child we will have. Depending on your values and goals, you may dream ⁽⁵⁾ of a sporty child, an academic child or a very musical child. However, you may get a totally different child. Sometimes it can be tough to get to terms with it. Realize that your child is their own person and accept them as they are. 

6. You Need Your Tribe

Parenting was never meant to be done alone. Parenting alone ⁽⁶⁾  is hard. Very hard. So many parents feel lonely these days that it seems that loneliness is an inherent part of parenthood. But this is a lie. The problem is that we have created a society that does not facilitate human relationships, and it is not supportive of parents and their children. If you are feeling lonely, try finding your tribe at the school gates, work, the park, extracurricular activities, volunteering groups or places of worship. I know it can be hard but it’s worth trying. If you want to learn more on this topic, I recommend you read “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Make You Make and Keep Friends” by Dr Marisa G. Franco.

7. If Feels Slow But It Goes By Really Fast

When I was a mum of four little boys, I remember people telling me: “Make the most of it because it goes so fast”. I had moments when all I could think was: “So fast??? I wish!!!!!”. Some days felt never ending and so tedious. As the years went by, I understood that days pass reeeeeeeally slowly, but the years go by so fast. My boys are now teenagers and young adults. Whereas I love the stage we are at, I do miss so many things of those early days and years with them. 

8. Be the Parent

Most parents these days want to be close to their kids. This is brilliant because we know that when children have a warm relationship with their parents, they tend to do better. But some parents are mistaking being close to their kids with being their friend. Remember that you are not your child’s friend. Your child will hopefully have many friends through their life, but they need a parent. They need you to be the parent. They need you to set up a routine, clear limits, and expectations. They need you to tell them off when they do something wrong and to guide them through life. They need you to love them unconditionally. You can be close to your child and still act as a parent. 

9. Parenting Is Not a Job But a Relationship

When we talk about parenting, we often focus on the things we do: How to make our baby sleep, how to stop our children fighting, how to support our child to do well in school… But let’s not forget that above everything parenting is a relationship. A relationship between a parent and a child. The most important thing for a child’s development is to have a safe, caring, stable and loving relationship with their parent or caregiver. Let’s focus on this. This is what matters.

10. Your Job Is Not to Make Your Child Happy

Your job as a parent is to provide your child with the tools to manage any situation life throws at them. If our goal is to make our children happy, we are implicitly telling them that they can only be happy. That they are expected to be happy. That having any other emotion is not acceptable.  Let’s teach our children that life is not always easy and that there will be many moments when they will not be happy and that is OK. Let’s focus on raising emotionally competent children rather than focusing on raising happy children. You can read more on this topic here.

11. The Parenting Industry Is Massive, Be Street Savvy

The parenting industry represents more than a $1 trillion market in the United States alone. This means that there are a lot of companies trying to sell you stuff. Whether you truly need it or not. From booster seats, high chairs, baby toys, strollers, playpens, and white noise machines, to baby books, sleep experts, and lactation consultants. Make sure you think carefully about the products you buy, the experts you listen to, and whose guidelines you follow. If you want to read more about this topic, you will find this article useful. 

12. Knowledge Is Power

 Parents often tell me: “Oh I wish I’d known that before!”. And the truth is that research shows that when parents have information about child development and parenting, they enjoy parenting more and feel more confident. So, try to learn about child development. By doing this, you will be able to understand your child better. You will be able to adjust your expectations of what your child can and cannot do depending on the developmental stage they are in. It will also allow you to make decisions that will not only impact your child but your finances. For example: ‘Do I really need a white noise machine?” or “Should I hire a lactation consultant?”. However, remember not to go overboard with it. Too much information ⁽⁷⁾ can make you feel overwhelmed and confused. Choose a few experts you trust and who share your values. 

We know that being a parent is not easy. It involves a lot of emotions, planning, resources, stress, happiness, worry… And everything in between! We all want to do what is best for our children but sometimes it is difficult to know what is best and how to achieve it. 

This is why I created REC Parenting. For you to ask any questions you have, knowing that we have the latest information 100% science based. Knowing that we have the best qualified experts. Knowing that whether you have the odd parenting question here and there or whether you need long-standing mental health support, we are here for you. 

If you are not yet a REC Parenting member, join us. If you do not feel like paying for a subscription because you only want a session to discuss a specific issue, get in touch with me. We are here for you. With no judgement and no agenda. All the way. 

Lots of love,

 Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Ramaekers, S., Suissa, J. (2012). Good Enough Parenting?. In: The Claims of Parenting. Contemporary Philosophies and Theories in Education, vol 4. Springer, Dordrecht. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-94-007-2251-4_4

⁽²⁾ Orchard, E. R., Rutherford, H. J., Holmes, A. J., & Jamadar, S. D. (2023). Matrescence: lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in cognitive sciences, 27(3), 302-316.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.12.002

⁽³⁾ Suls, J., Martin, R., & Wheeler, L. (2002). Social comparison: Why, with whom, and with what effect?. Current directions in psychological science, 11(5), 159-163.https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00191

⁽⁴⁾ Featherstone, B., & Hollway, W. (Eds.). (2002). Mothering and ambivalence. Routledge.

⁽⁵⁾ Cichy, K. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., Davis, E. M., & Fingerman, K. L. (2013). “You are such a disappointment!”: Negative emotions and parents’ perceptions of adult children’s lack of success. Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 68(6), 893-901.

⁽⁶⁾ Nowland, R., Thomson, G., McNally, L., Smith, T., & Whittaker, K. (2021). Experiencing loneliness in parenthood: a scoping review. Perspectives in public health, 141(4), 214-225. https://doi.org/10.1177/17579139211018243

⁽⁷⁾ Glatz, T., & Lippold, M. A. (2023). Is more information always better? Associations among parents’ online information searching, information overload, and self-efficacy. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 47(5), 444-453. https://doi.org/10.1177/01650254231190883

The term ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ has become really popular in the last few years. But do you know what it really means?

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Immature?

The American Psychological Association⁽¹⁾ describes emotional immaturity as “a tendency to express emotions without restraint or disproportionately to the situation”. It is the type of response you would expect from a child. In contrast, emotional maturity is defined as “a high and appropriate level of emotional control and expression”.

Why Are Some People Emotionally Immature?

There are many factors attributing to why some people grow up to be more emotionally mature than others ⁽²⁾. Some of these factors are: 

• Our temperament: When children have a difficult temperament, their parents are more likely to be harsher with them, which may influence how they develop their emotional competence. 
• Parents’ emotion talk: Parents who talk more about emotions, tend to have children who are more emotionally competent. 
• Parents’ emotional expressiveness: Parents who express their emotions in an effective manner, both verbally and non-verbally, have children who tend to be more emotionally competent. 
• Parents’ reactions to their children’s expression of emotions: When parents allow and encourage their children to express their emotions, their children are more likely to become more emotionally competent. 
• Emotional climate in the family: Some families are warm and affectionate whereas others are cold and distant. In general, it is easier for children to develop a high level of emotional competence when they live within a warm and caring family where they feel valued, listened to, and their emotions are considered. 

A Word of Caution Before We Move On

The term ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents’ comes from a book written by therapist Lindsay Gibson, PsyD. This book was published in 2015, but it has suddenly found a young and new audience. The book has recently been doing the rounds in social media and has become an Amazon bestseller in the category of parent-adult child relationships.

As a result, thousands of people in Tik Tok, Reddit, and Instagram are ‘diagnosing’ each other. They are assuming that everything that is going wrong in each other’s’ lives is because they have emotionally immature parents. However, this explanation may be too simplistic. We may end up blaming everything that is wrong in each other’s lives on our parents. It is important to be mindful not to use psychological language lightly. If you or someone you know think that you may have an emotionally immature parent, the best thing to do is to discuss it with a professional. 

Keep in mind that there is no research on the topic of adult children of emotionally immature parents. The information that you are about to read is based on Dr Gibson’s book. The book is in turn, based on her clinical experience. 

Who Are Emotionally Immature Parents?

Emotionally immature parents have not developed the necessary emotional skills to navigate parenthood effectively. They take care of their children’s material needs but they struggle to meet their children’s emotional needs and to truly connect with them. They show up for their kids but only in practical ways. 

Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

• Egocentrism: Egocentric parents are self-centred and put their own needs above their child’s.  
• Self-absorption
• Low empathy: This means that they find it difficult to relate to the experiences, thoughts, and emotions of other people. As a result, they cannot recognize how their own emotions and behaviours impact those around them, including their children. 
• Low emotional intimacy
• Lack of self-reflection: this makes them unlikely to apologize or take accountability for their actions. 
• They deal with reality by denying, dismissing, or distorting whatever they dislike. 
• Inconsistent or non-existent boundaries: Parents who are emotionally immature may expect their child to tell them everything and get really upset when they refuse to. They may be cold and distant. Or they may bounce between both extremes. 

Some people think that emotionally immature people are narcissistic ⁽³⁾, but this is not the case. Some emotionally immature people may be narcissistic, but these two terms do not mean the same. Narcissistic mothers or fathers are not necessarily emotionally immature. 

There Are Four Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

1. Reactive: They tend to be volatile and have problems regulating their emotions. They are driven by their feelings. Their children walk on eggshells to avoid setting them off. Their children are often the ones who have to calm and stabilise their parents. Their unpredictability makes the household stressful and unpredictable. 
2. Passive: They may be ‘fun’ but when the child shows their vulnerability, they pull away because their vulnerability is too much for them. They ignore conflict, stress, or difficult emotions. It is easy to get along with them, but they fail to stand up for themselves or their children and they do not have open and honest conversations. 
3. Emotionally Absent: They act as if their child does not exist. The child might grow up thinking that they are not important. 
4. Critical or Driven: They are very involved in their children’s live, but they lack empathy towards them. These parents are perfectionists who often nitpick at everything their children do. 

Who Are Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents?

They are those raised by parents who are not emotionally competent. These adult children tend to:

• Struggle to build healthy relationships.
• Have low self-esteem.
• Have problems trusting others.
• Have difficulties with emotional intimacy.
• Find it difficult to set boundaries ⁽⁴⁾.
• May become more mature than their parent and end up becoming the parent in the relationship. This process is called ‘parentification’. 

How Do Adult Children Cope with Their Emotionally Immature Parent?

They tend to cope using two styles of coping mechanisms:

• Internalizing: They tend to think that all problems are their fault. They are likely to give a lot without asking, feel more guilty, and be more introspective. 
• Externalizing: They do not to take responsibility because they believe that problems are not their fault. They do not believe that it is their duty to solve those problems. They are more likely to seek comfort from external sources such as alcohol and drugs. They expect help from others and are more likely to act impulsively. 

How to Deal with an Emotionally Immature Parent as a Young Adult?

1. Focus on yourself. You can decide what you do not like about your relationship with your parent and work to change it. Acknowledge that you will not be able to change your parent unless their work on themselves. Work on yourself and let go of things that you cannot change. 
2. Set up boundaries. If you feel that your parent is overstepping, let them know in a firm but calm manner. 
3. Step out of your old role. We all have roles within our family. Consider which role is yours and if you are not comfortable with it, step away from it.
4. Get professional advice: A family counsellor can help you and your parent learn to relate in a more positive manner. At REC Parenting we can find the right therapist for you. Contact us here. 

Finally…

We should not see emotional immaturity as a character flaw. Rather we should see it as an indicator that that person did not learn the tools to manage their emotions effectively while growing up. Keeping a compassionate mindset will help your relationship with an emotionally immature parent or any other emotionally immature person who is around you. 

We have more resources on this topic that you will find useful

• A masterclass by Professor Harriet Tenenbaum:  Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents.
• An article: Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents

At REC Parenting we are passionate about helping parents to raise emotionally competent children. If you would like advice on this topic, get in touch with me. We are here to help you. 

Love,

 Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ American Paediatrics Association

⁽²⁾ Aznar, A., & Tenenbaum, H.R. (2013). Spanish parents’ emotion talk and their children’s understanding of emotion. Frontiers in Developmental Psychology, 4. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00670

⁽³⁾ Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Hyatt, C. S., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). Controversies in narcissism. Annual review of clinical psychology, 13(1), 291-315. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032816-045244

⁽⁴⁾ Karl, K., & Peluchette, J. (2016). Breaking boundaries and leaving bad impressions: Toward understanding workplace encounters with helicopter parents. Journal of Organizational Psychology, 16(1).

Lullaby songs are quiet, repetitive, gentle songs sung to put a baby to sleep ⁽¹⁾. Parents have sung to babies in every known historical period and culture. Evidently lullabies work, otherwise parents would have stopped singing centuries ago. Only parenting behaviours that are useful stand the test of time. Otherwise, they simply disappear. 

Scientific research confirms what parents already knew: Lullabies work. Let me tell you why. 

Listening to Lullaby Songs Is Good for Babies

• It helps them regulate their emotions. 
• It creates a nurturing environment and helps develop a bond with their parent. 
• It passes on cultural traditions.
• It helps stimulate language development.
• It helps to create a bedtime routine ⁽²⁾.

Many of the studies examining music and infant sleep are conducted with premature babies in Neonatal Intensive Care Units (NICU). For example, there was a study ⁽³⁾ that compared three groups of babies: one group listened to Mozart, a second group listened to their mothers singing lullabies, and a third group of babies who did not listen to anything. Researchers found that babies who were sung to by their mothers slept and fed better than babies in the other two groups. Other studies show that when babies listen to lullabies their heart rate slows down and their pupils dilate.

But Why Is It Better for Babies to Listen to a Lullaby Song Than Say… Taylor Swift?

This is the question that researchers are trying to understand. Is there something specific about lullabies songs that babies find especially appealing or does something happen when a parent sings a lullaby to their baby that is special?

It seems that there is something about lullaby songs that babies find soothing. Baby lullaby songs are structurally different to other song categories. They are usually slow, soothing melodies that mimic the feeling or motion of being rocked. Researchers ⁽⁴⁾ did a study examining lullabies in different languages, including Gaelic, Mayan, and Scandinavian. They found that babies calmed down when listening to a lullaby even when they could not understand the language. This suggests that what matters is the melody, rather than the lyrics. 

When parents sing a lullaby song to their babies they do it differently than when they sing other types of songs ⁽⁵⁾. When singing lullabies songs, parents use infant directed speech. This speech is characterized by high pitch, slower tempo, rhythmic patterning, and greater pauses between words. Babies like it when their caregivers use this type of speech. 

Finally, when a parent sings a lullaby to their child a meaningful parent-baby connection is established ⁽⁶⁾. The baby knows that the parent is there and that they are being taken care of. Indeed, research shows that babies prefer face-to-face singing over recorded singing. 

Singing Lullabies Is Also Beneficial for Parents

Singing lullaby songs is not only good for the baby but it seems to have beneficial effects for the parent too. Mothers who sing to their babies regularly have been found to experience less postpartum depression, higher wellbeing, self-esteem, and felt closer to their baby ⁽⁷⁾. It is important to note that we cannot clearly say that singing causes mothers to be happy, but there seems to be a link between mothers and singing and them feeling better. However, it could also be that mothers who feel better are more likely to sing. It seems that singing supports the mental health of new mothers ⁽⁸⁾. Music is not only beneficial for mothers. Studies show that singing is linked with better mental health, wellbeing, and quality of life across different groups of people.

What Are the Most Famous Lullabies in English?

• Row, Row, Row Your Boat
• Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
• Rock-a-Bye Baby
• Hush, Little Baby

Lullabies or White Noise? Which Is Best?

White noise is a type of broadband sound that includes all audible frequencies. Basically, it is a noise that does not have any pattern to it. White noise improves sleep for some babies, although researchers do not yet know exactly why. One theory is that it masks background noise that can disrupt sleep. White noise acts as a constant in the room (babies really like consistency) and it drowns out other noises. 

There is one important thing to consider if you use a white noise machine: its volume. In 2014, the American Academy of Paediatrics (AAP) tested 14 white noise machines designed for babies and found that all of them, when at maximum level, exceeded hospital-recommended noise levels. As a result, the AAP guidelines state that noise machines should at least 200 centimetres away from the baby and the volume should never be set at maximum.

White noise machines have not been around long enough for us to really understand if they may have any negative effect. So far, they seem to be safe. Lullabies and white noise can be complementary to each other. However, unlike singing lullabies, using a white noise machine does not promote a close bond between parent and baby. 

If you are a parent and would like 1-2-1 support to solve any parenting issues you may be going through, get in touch with me. We are here to help you, with no agenda, no jugdgement. With the best experts and science-based information.

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Oxford Dictionary

⁽²⁾ Eduardo Sá and Ana Torres. The Effect of Lullabies on the Mother and on Copyright © 2019 Eduardo Sá and Ana Torres. Her Relationship with the Baby: an Exploratory Study. OA J Behavioural Sci Psych2019, 2(1): 180010.

⁽³⁾ Yue W, Han X, Luo J, Zeng Z, Yang M. Effect of music therapy on preterm infants in neonatal intensive care unit: Systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. J Adv Nurs. 2021 Feb;77(2):635-652. doi: 10.1111/jan.14630. Epub 2020 Nov 17. PMID: 33200833.

⁽⁴⁾ Hilton CB, Crowley-de Thierry L, Yan R, Martin A, Mehr SA. Children infer the behavioral contexts of unfamiliar foreign songs. J Exp Psychol Gen. 2023 Mar;152(3):839-850. doi: 10.1037/xge0001289. Epub 2022 Oct 10. PMID: 36222671; PMCID: PMC10083193.

⁽⁵⁾ Trainor, L. J. (1996). Infant preferences for infant-directed versus noninfant-directed playsongs and lullabies. Infant Behavior & Development, 19(1), 83–92. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0163-6383(96)90046-6

⁽⁶⁾ Mehr SA & Krasnow MM Parent-o spring conflict and the evolution of infant-directed song. Evol. Hum. Behav. 38, 674–684 (2017).

⁽⁷⁾ Baker F, Mackinlay E. Sing, soothe and sleep: A lullaby education programme for first-time mothers. Br J Music Educ. 2006 Jul;23(2):147–160.

⁽⁸⁾ Fancourt D, Perkins R. Associations between singing to babies and symptoms of postnatal depression, wellbeing, self-esteem and mother-infant bond. Public Health. 2017 Apr;145:149-152. doi: 10.1016/j.puhe.2017.01.016. Epub 2017 Feb 27. PMID: 28359384.

As parents we come with expectations about what a ‘normal’ newborn sleep schedule look like. Having unrealistic expectations or incorrect assumptions, may lead us to feel inadequate as parents and to feel that we are failing ⁽¹⁾ . 

This is why in this article, we are going to give you the latest advice and research about newborn sleep. With this information, you will be better able to support your baby and better equipped to go through this stage of your parenting journey. 

How Many Hours Do Newborns Sleep?

The recommended hours of sleep for a baby between 0-3 months is between 14-17 hours in a 24-hour period. But a newborn baby may sleep anywhere between 11 and 19 hours a day.

How Long Should Newborns Sleep?

Newborns typically do not sleep more than 4 hours at a time. Some sleep for longer stretches, whereas other sleep in short bursts. Between naps infants wake up to feed. Their stomachs are tiny, so they need frequent feeds. Many babies start sleeping through the night when they are around 3 months old. However, remember that every child is different. A recent study examining 5,700 babies in Finland ⁽²⁾ found that three -month-olds woke an average of 2.2 times a night. However, some babies did not wake up at all, whereas others woke as much as 15 times per night. 

Newborns Do Not Know the Difference Between Day and Night

Newborns sleep or stay awake irrespective of whether it is day or night. This happens because their circadian rhythm (daily sleep cycle) is not yet established ⁽³⁾. This means that newborns sleep when they are tired. This is often exhausting for parents, but it is simply the way newborns ‘work’. In the same way that newborns are not yet developed to walk, sit upright or eat solids, they are not yet developed to sleep through the night. 

Moreover, babies may be waking for their own protection ⁽⁴⁾. When babies are in deep sleep or ‘slow wake sleep’, they can stop breathing. Some researchers suggest that babies who die because of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), may do so because they have problems rousing out of deep sleep. 

When Can I Get my Baby on a Sleep Routine?

Evidence of the circadian rhythm starts to emerge at around 2-3 months of age. Preterm babies tend to have even more irregular sleep cycles. Once your baby starts to fall into a more or less predictable sleep pattern, you can try to schedule a few naps a day and a longer sleep period at night. 

Eventually, babies settle into a more structed rhythm. This rhythm can be ‘helped’ by adopting good sleep hygiene techniques.

• During the day, the baby should not sleep in the dark and the level of noise should be the ‘normal’ at your household. 

• During the night, keep stimulation to a minimum. Try to limit household noise at bedtime. If you live in a noisy environment keep the windows closed and consider using noise-blocking curtains. 

• Have a nighttime routine to mark the difference between day and night. This routine should be the same every day. An effective routine could look like: Having a bath, perhaps with some soothing scents like lavender or chamomile, followed by a massage. The bath warms up the body so that the blood vessels near the surface of the skin dilate to help the body cool down, and this cooling helps your baby to feel sleepy. After the bath, change your baby into a clean nappy and pyjamas, feed him, and sing a lullaby or read them a story. Try to put them in their cot when they are drowsy but still awake, kiss them and say goodnight, allowing them to fall asleep on their own. Make sure the bedroom is cool, dark, and quiet. Between 16 and 20 degrees Celsius is ideal, and too cool is better than too hot. Everyone has a slightly different temperature preference so you may need to make adjustments to find your baby’s ideal temperature. Feeling your baby’s chest or back when they are asleep should give you a good indication. They should feel warm but not clammy. 

It is important that all parents and carers who look after your baby at bedtime are consistent in implementing this bedtime routine. 

I know that you may try this routine and it may not work at all. Your baby may not fall asleep on their own, they may cry a lot, or may not sleep for longer than twenty minutes. The truth is that the newborn period can be tough. Try to keep in mind that this is normal, do not compare your baby with other newborns around you (it always seems that the only baby not sleeping is yours!), and remember that this period will pass. Sooner or later, your baby will sleep through the night. 

I Am Exhausted and Need Help!

If you are feeling this way, you are not alone. You may choose to ask your family members or a friend to help you with the baby so you can get some sleep. This does not mean that you are weak or that you do not love your baby. It means that you are human. We need sleep to function. 

You may choose to hire a sleep consultant to support you and your baby. This is also absolutely fine. One important thing to consider is that in many countries (such as the UK), sleep experts or consultants are not regulated. Basically, anyone can call themselves a sleep expert and provide advice to families.

Even accredited professionals in the health and parenting field may not have sleep expertise. For example, a survey ⁽⁵⁾ showed that 96% of American paediatricians say that one of their most important duties is to provide information about infant sleep to parents. However, only 18% have formal education in this area. 

Before you hire anyone, check their credentials, ask about their ethical guidelines, ask to see previous clients’ opinions, and make sure their working style match with your needs and beliefs. For example, do not hire anyone who will let your baby cry if you do not want any crying. Remember that sleep training is not recommended until the baby is at least 6 months old. 

Newborn Sleep Is Very Much Influenced by Culture

The Western world seems to be obsessed for babies to sleep on their own and through the night as soon as it safe for them to do so. However, this idea is not universal and is, historically, quite recent ⁽⁶⁾. 

Different cultures have different ideas and traditions about baby sleep. For example, in the UK, parents are told that the nighttime schedule known as ‘seven to seven’ (the baby sleeps from 7 pm to 7 am) is what they should aim for. But there is no evidence that this is the best sleep schedule and in many other countries this is not the goal. This sleep schedule is quite arbitrary. If this schedule works for your family, go for it. But if it does not, you can ignore it. You are not failing as a parent, and nothing will happen if it works best for you to put your baby to bed at 8 pm rather than at 7 pm.  

What is the bottom line when thinking about newborn sleep? There is not one single correct approach to how babies should sleep. As long, as you are following the guidelines of safe sleeping, you should do what works best for your family. 

If you want to learn more about baby sleep, we have four REC Parenting masterclasses you may find useful: 

• What is Normal Sleep for a Baby? with Professor Helen Ball

• Sleep Safety for Babies with Professor Helen Ball

• Sleep Hygiene for Children and Adolescents with Dr Anna Joyce

• Baby Sleep: What to Do When Things Don’t Go as Planned with Dr Ayten Bilgin 

• Baby Massage with Lucy Johns 

Join REC Parenting today to get access to these masterclasses! 

If you are considering hiring a sleep consultant, get in touch so we can recommend the one that will suit best your family’s needs. 

If you have any specific questions on baby sleep, drop them here and I will answer it in the REC Parenting weekly Q&A email. 

I hope you have found this information useful.

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Douglas, P. S., & Hill, P. S. (2013). Behavioral sleep interventions in the first six months of life do not improve outcomes for mothers or infants: a systematic review. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, 34(7), 497-507. DOI: 10.1097/DBP.0b013e31829cafa6

⁽²⁾ Paavonen, E. J., Saarenpää-Heikkilä, O., Morales-Munoz, I., Virta, M., Häkälä, N., Pölkki, P., … & Karlsson, L. (2020). Normal sleep development in infants: findings from two large birth cohorts. Sleep Medicine, 69, 145-154.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleep.2020.01.009

⁽³⁾ Kaur, S., Teoh, A. N., Shukri, N. H. M., Shafie, S. R., Bustami, N. A., Takahashi, M., … & Shibata, S. (2020). Circadian rhythm and its association with birth and infant outcomes: research protocol of a prospective cohort study. BMC pregnancy and childbirth, 20, 1-11.

⁽⁴⁾ Vincent, A., Chu, N. T., Shah, A., Avanthika, C., Jhaveri, S., Singh, K., … & Boddu, H. (2023). Sudden infant death syndrome: risk factors and newer risk reduction strategies. Cureus, 15(6).Faruqui F, Khubchandani J, Price JH et al.: Sleep disorders in children: a national assessment of primary care pediatrician practices and perceptions. Pediatrics 2011; 128: 539–546.

⁽⁵⁾ Barry, E. S. (2021). What is “normal” infant sleep? Why we still do not know. Psychological reports, 124(2), 651-692.

Family relations are not always easy. And with the in-laws they can be even more difficult. After all, when you get married, you get ‘thrown into’ a family that you do not know. You do not know their history or dynamics. You may not even share the same values and beliefs. And you are expected to fit in seamlessly. Very often we are unsure about how to deal with in-laws.

The reality is that families are a system ⁽¹⁾ with many relations between the members. There are relations between the father-in-law and the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law and the son in law, the sisters in law, and so on.  Each of those relations influences the rest of the family members. When a new member arrives to a family, the whole family needs to adjust, and stress and conflict may appear. 

Even though conflict with the in-laws seem to be quite prevalent in our society, there is not much research examining this topic. And most research has focused on newlywed couples. However, we know that relationships change as we get old. The relationship you have with your in-laws at the beginning of your marriage may be very different to the one you have 20 years later ⁽²⁾. 

It is also important to note than when talking about family relations, culture ⁽³⁾ matters a lot. The research that I am about to explain has been conducted mostly in the Western world. These societies are mostly individualistic whereas in collectivistic cultures, family relations and traditions may be very different. 

Also note that most studies in this field have examined legally married heterosexual couples. So again, be careful when extending what you are about to read to same-sex couples or to couples who live together but are not legally married. 

Is It Possible to Have a Good Relationship with Your In-Laws?

It is possible. The reality is that relations with the in-laws are not all black or white. People often report these relationships as being ambivalent ⁽⁴⁾. They can be positive at times and very negative at other times. 

Relationships between same gender in-laws, particularly between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, tend to be more difficult, than those between opposite gender in-laws. However, both men and women report having more problems with their mother-in-law ⁽⁵⁾ than with their own mother. 

When a new member arrives to the family, parents-in-law have a lot to say in how they integrate within the family. When parents-in-law show them love, make them feel as part of the family, include them in family rituals, and share family stories with them, their children -in-law are more likely to feel part of that family. 

In contrast, when parents-in-law create distance, when they criticize or gossip about family members, when they interfere in marital issues, or do not show their children-in-law that they care about them ⁽⁶⁾, their relationship with their children-in-law is more likely to suffer. 

Why Should I Care About Having a Good Relationship with my In-Laws?

The relationship you establish with your in laws is an entirely personal decision.

However, it is important to know that when you have a bad relationship with your in-laws:

• Your own wellbeing and mental health are more likely to be negatively affected ⁽⁷⁾. 

• Your marriage tends to be less stable.

• You and your partner are more likely to be dissatisfied in your marriage.

• Your partner’s own relationship with their own parents is more likely to struggle.

• Your in-laws’ access to your own children tends to be restricted and their relationship is more likely to be complicated ⁽⁸⁾.  

Finally, consider that you are modelling family relationships to your child. If you have a very negative or even a toxic relationship with your in-laws, your child will grow up believing that this is how ‘normal’ and healthy family relations look like. Remember that even if you do not explicitly say to your child: “I truly dislike your grandparents”, they will notice it. Children learn more from observing us, than from we say to them. If you want your child to have healthy family relations in the future, the best way is for you to model how those relationships look like. 

Most Problems with the In-Laws Appear When the Grandchildren Are Born

Most disagreements between parents-in-law and their children-in-law are about the grandchildren. 

With the arrival of the first grandchild, daughters usually say that the relationship with their own mother improves whereas the relationship with their mother-in-law gets worse ⁽⁹⁾. Indeed, when daughters-in-law need parenting advice, they are much more likely to ask their own mother than their mother-in-law ⁽¹⁰⁾.

Daughters-in-law complain of mothers-in-law who challenge or undermine their parenting decisions. For mothers-in-law, it is tricky to find the balance between being supportive but not intrusive ⁽¹¹⁾. This disagreement may appear because daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law do not share the same values.

Because mothers are more likely to be closer to their own mothers than to their mothers-in-law, grandkids are more likely to be closer to their maternal set of grandparents than to the paternal grandparents. This means that quite often, paternal grandparents spend less time with their grandchildren and paternal grandmothers feel left out of their grandchildren’s life. 

Sometimes, fathers make a deliberate effort to ensure that their children are also close to their own parents, but this does not happen as frequently. This is in part because men’s relationships with their own parents are ‘wife-mediated’ ⁽¹²⁾. This means that marriage and fatherhood tend to distance sons from their own mothers. In general, husbands are gradually pulled towards their wife’s family ⁽¹³⁾.

Over time the relations between parents-in-law and their children-in-law tend to be more positive. This happens because the main source of disagreement between parents-in-law and children-in law are due to the grandchildren. As grandchildren grow, these disagreements are less frequent. 

So, How to Deal with the In-Laws? Six Tips to Have the Best Possible Relationship with Your In-Laws

1. Set Boundaries From the Beginning

It is always much better to set expectations and ‘rules’ from the beginning so everyone knows where they stand, than having problems because you or they do not know what the ground rules are. Remember that what is ‘normal’ for your family of origin may not be ‘normal’ for your in laws. We have all been raised differently, with different norms and expectations, so it important to establish healthy boundaries from the beginning to avoid problems and misunderstandings. 

2. Protect Your Marriage

If you have a difficult relationship with your in-laws, your marriage may resent it. Whatever happens, do not say negative things about your in-laws to your partner. If you have a problem with them, describe the issue to your spouse without being judgmental, dismissive or disrespectful. It is not the same to say: “I am angry with your mum because she gave Lucas sweets just before dinner” than to say: “I can’t stand your mother, she is the absolute worst and I have told her a thousand times not to give Lucas sweets before dinner”. Keep a united front.

3. Remember that One Day You Will (Probably) Be In Their Position

Yes, one day your daughter in law may think of you as the monster in law or the toxic mother-in-law! 

4. Be Aware of the Flashpoints and Prepare for Them

The holidays are usually when problems within the families appear. If both sets of grandparents celebrate Christmas, they both expect their families to be there. But also, with more time spent together, there are more chances of problems to appear. This makes the summer, Easter, and Christmas particularly problematic. Again, discuss the ground rules at the very beginning so that everyone is on the same page. 

5. Discuss the Issue In a Respectful Manner

It has been found that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law have different strategies to cope with conflict. Whereas mothers prefer to talk about it, daughters prefer to ignore it ⁽¹⁴⁾. Avoiding the problem may make the problem worse and fuel unexpressed hostility.  Even if you find it difficult, discuss the issue from a position of understanding and respect. Discussing the issue is the best way to make sure that you do not end up having a toxic relationship with your in-laws. 

6. Reframe Your In-Laws’ Intrusion as an Expression of Interest and Love

Most people (including your in-laws) act from a place of love. They do not want to make you angry or make your life difficult. Whenever you feel frustrated with your in-laws, think that they have acted with their best intention. 

I hope you find this information useful. If you are having issues with your in-laws and would like some 1-2-1 support to learn how to manage them, get in touch with me.

Love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Rothbaum, F., Rosen, K., Ujiie, T., & Uchida, N. (2002). Family systems theory, attachment theory, and culture. Family process, 41(3), 328-350. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.41305.x

⁽²⁾ Fowler, C., & Rittenour, C. (2017). A life-span approach to children-in-law’s perceptions of parent-in-law communication. Journal of Family Communication, 17(3), 254-272. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2017.1281280

⁽³⁾ Rothbaum, F., Rosen, K., Ujiie, T., & Uchida, N. (2002). Family systems theory, attachment theory, and culture. Family process, 41(3), 328-350.

⁽⁴⁾ Jean Turner, M., Young, C. R., & Black, K. I. (2006). Daughters‐in‐law and mothers‐in‐law seeking their place within the family: A qualitative study of differing viewpoints. Family Relations, 55(5), 588-600.

⁽⁵⁾ Ayers, J.D., Krems, J.A., Hess, N. et al. Mother-in-Law Daughter-in-Law Conflict: an Evolutionary Perspective and Report of Empirical Data from the USA. Evolutionary Psychological Science 8, 56–71 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-021-00312-x

⁽⁶⁾ Rittenour, C. E., & Kellas, J. K. (2015). Making sense of hurtful mother-in-law messages: Applying attribution theory to the in-law triad. Communication Quarterly, 63(1), 62-80. https://doi.org/10.1080/01463373.2014.965837

⁽⁷⁾ Fingerman, K. L., Gilligan, M., VanderDrift, L., & Pitzer, L. (2012). In-law relationships before and after marriage: Husbands, wives, and their mothers-in-law. Research in Human Development, 9(2), 106-125. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2012.680843

⁽⁸⁾ Fingerman, K. L. (2004). The role of offspring and in-laws in grandparents’ ties to their grandchildren. Journal of Family Issues, 25(8), 1026-1049. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X04265941

⁽⁹⁾ Fingerman, K. L. (2000). ” We Had a Nice Little Chat” Age and Generational Differences in Mothers’ and Daughters’ Descriptions of Enjoyable Visits. The Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 55(2), P95-P106. https://doi.org/10.1093/geronb/55.2.P95

⁽¹⁰⁾ Marx, J., Miller, L. Q., & Huffmon, S. (2011). Excluding mothers-in-law: A research note on the preference for matrilineal advice. Journal of Family Issues, 32(9), 1205-1222. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X11402176

⁽¹¹⁾ Fischer, L. R. (1988). The influence of kin on the transition to parenthood. Marriage & Family Review, 12(3-4), 201-219. https://doi.org/10.1300/J002v12n03_11

⁽¹²⁾ Fischer, L. R. (1983). Mothers and mothers-in-law. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 187-192. https://doi.org/10.2307/351307

⁽¹³⁾ Lee, E., Spitze, G., & Logan, J. R. (2003). Social support to parents‐in‐law: The interplay of gender and kin hierarchies. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(2), 396-403. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00396.x

_⁽¹⁴⁾ Marotz-Baden, R., & Cowan, D. (1987). Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law: The effects of proximity on conflict and stress. Family Relations, 385-390. https://doi.org/10.2307/584488

There is a lot of noise in the parenting space. A lot of parenting experts, a lot of trends, a lot of influencers, a lot of scripts, a lot of tips, and a lot of advice. There are psychologists, coaches, experts, counsellors, and influencers… All these make it very difficult to know who to trust and what advice to follow.

Here are six useful tips you may find useful when deciding who to trust:

1. Check Experts’ Credentials

When looking for parenting advice , trust developmental psychologists, child psychologists, clinical psychologists, educational psychologists, counsellors, and qualified coaches. If you or your child are having any kind of therapy, make sure the professional you are seeing is accredited by a regulatory body. This depends on their specific field. If you live in the UK, it is always a good idea to check that professionals are accredited by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), the UK Council of Psychotherapy (UKCP) or the Health and Care Professions Council (hcpc). 

Be mindful that some areas within the parenting field are not regulated at all. For example, anyone can call themselves a sleep expert. Doulas are also unregulated. 

It is also a good idea to examine experts’ work experience, awards they may receive, and accolades. It is also important that the ‘experts’ stays up to date with the latest research. Many professional organizations require refreshers courses to make sure that their members stay on top of the latest research and give you up to date advice. For example, when I had my first son 20 years ago the recommendation was for babies to sleep on their side. By the time, I had my youngest son, the recommendation had changed to babies sleeping on their backs to reduce the risk of infant sudden death syndrome. Had my paediatrician not been up to date with the latest research, I wouldn’t have known. 

Make sure that the expert’s experience is relevant for the topic at hand. For example, I am a developmental psychologist, but I couldn’t advice you on issues relating to breastfeeding or weaning. Those topics are outside my scope of practice. To deal with those issues, I would refer you to a lactation consultant. Beware of people who act like they are experts on everything. The parenting field is vast, and no one knows about absolutely everything. 

2. Do Not Trust Parenting Experts Who Talk in Absolutes

Absolutes are great for clickable headlines. Absolutes make us feel safe. But it isn’t how science works. Science is complex and full of nuances. Beware of ‘experts’ who make statements such as: “Doing x will run your child’s live”, “This is what you need to make sure your child sails through school”, or “Daycare is bad”.  

Now, there are a few things about parenting that we can say with 100% certainty. We can say with certainty that it is never good to hit a child, that it is very important to have a warm relationship with your child, or that all children need limits and boundaries. But more often than not, the parenting field is complex, and difficult to study. This means that for the most part we cannot talk in absolutes. Look for experts who address nuance, admit uncertainty, and use qualifiers. How does this look like? Doing this will make their claims less ‘clickable’ and ‘marketable’ but it is a sign that you can trust them. 

3. Do Not Trust Parenting Experts who Base their Advice on their Own Experience

This may not be a popular opinion but being a mother does not qualify anyone to give parenting advice. The same way that knowing how to drive does not qualify me to be a driving instructor. Being a mother qualifies you to say what worked for you. But it does not qualify anyone to give advice. 

4. Do Not Get All your Parenting Advice from Social Media

There are very good social media accounts providing great parenting advice and information, but there are also accounts providing really bad, and sometimes even dangerous, advice. A lot of advice given by influencers and content creators is not based on science, and sometimes even when it’s science-based it is not reported correctly. Make sure you are following reputable professionals and news outlets. Check their credentials, their sources, and always verify their claims. 

5. Do Not Trust Parenting ‘Fear-Mongering’ Experts

There are many parenting experts out there doing fantastic work and with a true passion to help parents. However, others use parents’ worries and fears to their advantage to sell them products that parents don’t really need. Beware of experts creating fear and worry. As parents we feel enough pressure, worry, guilt and judgement, we do not need experts to make us feel worse. 

6. Do Not Lose Sight About How Much Parents Influence their Children

We have been made to believe that as parents every single decision we make could ruin our children. This is not true. It is safe to say that our children’s long-term development will not be meaningfully affected by the educational apps they play with, the timing of potty training, and whether they are swaddled as babies or not. What matters most for our children’s development is to have a warm, loving, safe, stable, consistent relationship with their parents.

So, tune out parenting advice that does not really matter and focus on advice that helps you develop a strong bond with your child. If for example, you struggle to control your anger, or to set limits and boundaries with your children, or have trouble setting a clear routine for your children, it is definitely worth seeking advice and support. Because those things matter for your child. Agonizing over methods of weaning, or whether you should co-sleep or not, does not really make much sense because it will not make a big difference to your kids. 

I hope you find this information useful. At REC Parenting we focus on giving you advice and information that matters to you and your child. We ignore advice that is simply not important because our aim is to make your life easier and not more complicated. If you are struggling with mum guilt, your mental health, setting limits, feelings of burn out… We are here for you. Get in touch here and we will set up a 1-2-1 session to discuss your needs. 

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Photo credit: Kat van der Linen via Unsplash

Photo credit: Adem AY via Unsplash

Photo credit: Nubelson Fernandes via Unsplash

Parenting is challenging. One of the most difficult challenges is how to discipline our child. Questions such as: “Am I being too strict?”, “Nothing that I do works with my child!”, or “How can I make sure that my child follows the rules?”, are common amongst parents. 

We usually think of discipline in terms of punishments, but discipline is much more than that. It is about setting limits and consequences and encouraging good behaviour. The aim of discipline is for children to understand why what they did was wrong, so they do not do it again. 

As children develop, the discipline strategies that we use should change to adapt to their developmental stage. However, there are five rules that apply no matter your kid’s age. 

1. Discipline works best when you have a warm and loving relationship with your child ⁽¹⁾. 

2. Be a model: as parents, it is much more important what we do ⁽²⁾ than what we say. Think that children are constantly observing us. So, if you want your child to read, you must read. If you do not want your child to hit others, you must not hit others. If you want your child to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, you must do it. This matters regardless of your child’s age.

3. Be consistent: Explain the rules and stick to them. If you have a co-parent, get them on board. Inconsistent discipline has been linked with children’s depression, and worse adjustment for children and teenagers.  

4. Be the adult: A lot about child discipline is really about parent discipline ⁽³⁾. Control your anger and your reactions. If you think you are going to lose it, it is way better to leave the room and calm yourself. Come back to face the situation, once you are in control of your emotions and actions. 

5. Do not use physical punishment: Most studies in this area show that corporal punishment ⁽⁴⁾ is bad for children (even smacking). A few studies have not shown negative consequences. But NO studies have shown that using physical punishment is good for children. (Read more about this topic here).

Let’s have a look now at discipline strategies to use with children at different ages.

How to Discipline Your Toddler

1. Use praise: as parents very often, we ignore good behaviour and we only focus on negative behavior. It is important that we use praise when our child behaves well. Children love for their parents to be happy with them, so the more you let them know that you like what they are doing, the more likely they are to repeat it. When you praise them, be specific. Rather than saying: “You are such a good boy”, say “Look how well you are sharing with your sister, well done!”. This way they know exactly what they are doing right and are more likely to repeat it ⁽⁵⁾.

2. Redirect them: at this stage, whenever your child is doing something that they should not do (e.g., trying to stick their finger in the socket), take them to do something else. 

3. If you say ‘no’ stick to it: If you say no to them having an ice-cream but once they start whining, you give in, you are teaching them that whining works. They are more likely to do it again. Ideally, say something like: “I know you want an ice-cream, I would love one too but it’s almost lunch time so we can’t have it”, and then hope for the best! 

4. Do not let them alone ⁽⁶⁾ to think about what they have done (or the naughty step): when you isolate a toddler and tell them to think about what they did, do you really think it is going to work? They do not have yet have the ability to reflect on their behaviour. They will most likely only get angrier and frustrated. 

5. Do not reinforce negative behaviour: If your toddler likes to pull your hair and whenever he does it you tickle him and make him laugh, he will do it again. Why wouldn’t he? He is getting your attention and having a good laugh! Instead, with a straight face and without a fuss, take his hand and redirect him to do something else. 

How to Discipline Your Child During Middle Childhood

1. Use logical consequences rather than punishments. If your child never puts the laundry in the hamper and instead leaves it on the floor, rather than punishing them without watching TV, tell them that from now on only clothes that are in the hamper will be washed. When they have no clean clothes, they will remember to use the hamper (if they don’t mind wearing dirty clothes, then you have another problem!). This way, they are being ‘punished’ and you are addressing the problem that needs to be solved. 

2. Use ‘when’ and ‘then’: “When you have done your homework, then you can watch TV”.  This approach tends to work well because they feel that they have some control and choice. 

3. Take a coach approach: Our goal as parents is to help our children learn from their mistakes so they can do better next time. For example, if when your child hits someone, you only say “You can’t hit, that is wrong!”, you are not teaching them how to behave next time. Maybe hitting is the only tool they have. Instead, give them options for the future ⁽⁷⁾. “Hitting is wrong because you hurt the other person. I see that you are angry, what could you do next time you are in the same situation? Perhaps you could tell your friend that he made you angry?”. 

4. Don’t make threats you cannot carry: “If you don’t behave well, I am leaving you by the side of the road!”, or “You are grounded for two years!”. Be realistic because ideally you want to keep your word. 

5. Don’t use time out: Instead use time-in ⁽⁸⁾ (e.g., “Let’s think about how you are feeling” or time-off (e.g., “Do you want five minutes to wash your face and calm down?”). 

How to Discipline Your Tween and Teenager

1. Explain, explain, explain: Teenagers must understand ⁽⁹⁾ why what they did was wrong. If you are setting up any consequences, they must see them as being fair, even if they do not agree with them. This is the best way for them to internalize the message. 

2. Give them autonomy: Give them some choices and negotiate when possible. For example, if they want to be out until midnight and you prefer that they are home at 11 pm, try settling for 11.30 pm, that way no one ‘wins’.

3. Choose your timings carefully: Do not discipline your teen while you are both in a fit of rage. It is better to wait until you have both cooled down to have a conversation.  

4. Do not isolate them: Peers are everything to teenagers. It is vital that teenagers feel connected to their friends and are allowed to spend time with them. Punishing a teenager without seeing their friends is usually not a good idea. Social isolation during adolescence is linked with higher risk of experiencing mental health issues ⁽¹⁰⁾.

5. Do not laugh at them or be sarcastic: Teenagers are defining and understanding who they are. At the same time, they are going through a period when they care a lot about others’ opinions, and they experience their emotions in a very intense way. Even if you think that they are exaggerating or acting in a dramatic way, be respectful and take them seriously. 

6. Don’t escalate it: “You are horrible!”, “Look who’s talking! You are the worst!”. Even if your teenager says very nasty things to you in the heat of the moment, do not engage. You are the adult ⁽¹¹⁾ in the relationship and must behave that way. If you are going to lose it, simply leave the room. 

What Happens When We Do Not Get It Right?

We do not always get it right! I have given you the ‘theory’, but the truth is that discipline is not easy. We all get it wrong sometimes. Because we are tired, stressed, distracted, or worried. Ideally, we want to get it right more often than not. What do we do when get it wrong? We repair our relationship with our children. We do this by reconnecting again, either by apologizing, giving them a hug, or hanging out together. Human relationships are not perfect, and the parent-child relationship is certainly not perfect. 

I hope this information helps. If you want to discuss specific questions or issues you may be having with your child, do get in touch here and we can organize a 1-2-1 session. 

Love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ Fletcher, A. C., Walls, J. K., Cook, E. C., Madison, K. J., & Bridges, T. H. (2008). Parenting Style as a Moderator of Associations Between Maternal Disciplinary Strategies and Child Well-Being. Journal of Family Issues, 29(12), 1724-1744. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X08322933

⁽²⁾ Wiese, B. S., & Freund, A. M. (2011). Parents as role models: Parental behavior affects adolescents’ plans for work involvement. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 35(3), 218-224. https://doi.org/10.1177/0165025411398182

⁽³⁾ Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J., Rudolph, J., Kerin, J., & Bohadana-Brown, G. (2022). Parent emotional regulation: A meta-analytic review of its association with parenting and child adjustment. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 46(1), 63-82. https://doi.org/10.1177/01650254211051086

⁽⁴⁾ Cuartas, J., Gershoff, E.T., Bailey, D. et al. Physical punishment and child, adolescent, and adult outcomes in low- and middle-income countries: protocol for systematic review and meta-analysis. Syst Rev 11, 276 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-022-02154-5

⁽⁵⁾ Lawrence, J., Haszard, J. J., Taylor, B., Galland, B., Gray, A., Sayers, R., … & Taylor, R. (2021). A longitudinal study of parental discipline up to 5 years. Journal of Family Studies, 27(4), 589-606. https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2019.1665570 

⁽⁶⁾ Tompkins, V., & Villaruel, E. (2020). Parent discipline and pre-schoolers’ social skills. Early Child Development and Care, 192(3), 410–424. https://doi.org/10.1080/03004430.2020.1763978

⁽⁷⁾ Havighurst, S. S., & Kehoe, C. E. (2021). Tuning in to Kids: An emotion coaching approach to working with parents. Family-based intervention for child and adolescent mental health: A core competencies approach, 269-283.

⁽⁸⁾ Dadds, M. R., & Tully, L. A. (2019). What is it to discipline a child: What should it be? A reanalysis of time-out from the perspective of child mental health, attachment, and trauma. American Psychologist, 74(7), 794–808. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000449

⁽⁹⁾ Thomas, K.J., Rodrigues, H., de Oliveira, R.T. et al. What Predicts Pre-adolescent Compliance with Family Rules? A Longitudinal Analysis of Parental Discipline, Procedural Justice, and Legitimacy Evaluations. J Youth Adolescence 49, 936–950 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-019-01158-0

⁽¹⁰⁾ Mitic, M., Woodcock, K. A., Amering, M., Krammer, I., Stiehl, K. A., Zehetmayer, S., & Schrank, B. (2021). Toward an integrated model of supportive peer relationships in early adolescence: A systematic review and exploratory meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 589403.

⁽¹¹⁾ Mastrotheodoros, S., Van der Graaff, J., Deković, M. et al. Parent–Adolescent Conflict across Adolescence: Trajectories of Informant Discrepancies and Associations with Personality Types. J Youth Adolescence 49, 119–135 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-019-01054-7

Photo credit: Kenny Eliason via Unsplash

Photo credit: Raychan via Unsplash

You may have noticed that your once super-helpful little one has become a selfish teenager that fails to consider other people’s feelings and needs. If it is any consolation, you are not alone in having this feeling. Many parents feel the same. But are teenagers selfish? Keep reading!  

Are All Teenagers Selfish?

Well…. yes. Research shows that teenagers are much more likely to behave in a selfish ⁽¹⁾ way than adults. This is because the teenage years are all about individuation. Adolescence is a very self-absorbed period during which teenagers work on separating from their parents to become their own person. Because they are working on themselves so much, teenagers have little headspace to think about those around them. They spend a lot of thinking about themselves, talking about themselves, and probably taking many selfies! 

When they do notice those around them, teenagers tend to notice their peers ⁽²⁾ over their parents. The truth is that in this process of individuation friends tend to matter for teenagers more than parents. For teenagers, their peers matter above anything else. Consider that they are preparing to leave their birth family to find their tribe. This does not mean that they do not love you anymore. They need you and they love you, only in a different role.  

At What Age Do Teenagers Stop Being Selfish?

Do not despair just yet because there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Research ⁽³⁾ shows that teenagers are likely to become less selfish by the time they become young adults. 

Why Are Teenagers Selfish? Let’s Consider How their Brain Works

The brain continues to develop until we are about 25 years old. So, a lot of your teen’s behaviour has to do with their brain not being fully developed. The ability to take others’ perspective and the understanding of other people’s minds is amongst the parts of the brain ⁽⁴⁾ that undergo most change during adolescence.  

I Understand that it Is Normal for Teenagers to Be Selfish, But I Really Resent my Child. What Can I Do?

 It is very easy to become resentful towards a very self-centred teenager. “I do everything for him, and he does nothing for me or anyone else!” Sounds familiar? 

However, consider that when we say this, we are putting all the responsibility on the child, but the responsibility is on both the parent and the child. When a child is young, we do everything for them, and we do not ask for anything in return. We don’t, because usually younger children return the love we give them, and that is enough for us. Instead, when our child reaches adolescence, they push for independence and as parents, we may not feel their love so clearly. And we are more likely to resent them.  

At the same time, when the child reaches adolescence, we automatically expect them to behave in a more responsible way. We expect them to chip in and do things for us and for others. Our expectations ⁽⁵⁾ of help from our children when they become teenagers change because they are more able to do things. As such, we believe that older teens are more obligated to help than younger children, because they are more competent.  

The problem is that teenagers do not always agree with us. Whether adolescents believe that they are obligated to help depends on what we are asking them to do, how much effort it requires for them to help, and what other things need their attention in that particular moment. Because of the nature of being a teenager, they are usually more inclined to satisfy their own needs than their parents’. Particularly when they think that their parents’ needs are not that important.  

So, If it Is Normal for Teenagers to Behave Selfishly: Shall I Let Them Get Away With It?

No, this does not mean that we should let them do whatever they want. We must encourage our teens to understand that it is important to help others and to participate in family life. We must make them understand that they need to think about others’ needs and wishes. It is impossible to have successful relationships if we only think about ourselves. Societies and families do not work when people only care about themselves. 

How to Deal with a Selfish Teenager Without the House Becoming a Battlefield

1. Have a talk with your teenager about expectations. Sometimes disagreements appear because we have not set up clear ground rules. Discuss what you expect of them and understand if they think it is fair. Teenagers are always more likely to get on board if they think that what they are being asked is fair and they understand why they are being expected to do certain things.   

2. If you are resenting your selfish teen, explain to them that you feel that you are living in a one-way relationship with them and that you both need to make adjustments. Tell them that you expect them to do their chores, and to be nice and respectful to everyone in the family.  

3. Talk to your teen about the importance of practicing mutuality. This means that relationships are not one sided. They are about giving and taking. This will help your relationship with them but also it will serve as a model for future relationships. It will not do them any good in their future relationships if they think that they are all about them.  

4. Do not label your teen. Saying things like” You are so selfish!” or “You never think of anyone but yourself” will not help your relationship. Do not tease them or shame them for being self-absorbed. It is just a phase in their development.  

5. Model empathy and prosocial behaviour: show that you care for others outside your immediate family. Donate to the food bank, help at the kids’ school, help fundraise for a charity, or keep an eye on your elderly neighbour. When you do this, you show your kids that it is important to care about others. 

6. Create natural consequences rather than punishments. If for example, your rule is that your teenager must put their laundry in the hamper, and they always leave it on the bedroom’s floor. Explain them that only clothes in the hamper will be washed. The next time they have nothing to wear, they will remember the rule! 

7. Remind your teenager to stop and think before they make a decision, especially if it will affect others. Teenagers tend to rush when making decisions, failing to take others’ perspectives into account.  

8. Consider how much you are doing for your teen. If you feel that you are doing too much, you may end up resenting them. Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘no’ to your child. 

9. Whenever possible, use humour to lighten things up. 

10. Keep on repeating the message. Eventually, they will internalize it. Consistency is key. 

And Finally, Here Are the Answers to a Few Questions Asked by Parents of Teenagers

Why Is my 15-Year-Old So Difficult? 

It is normal to have moments when you find your teenager difficult. Consider that your child is separating from you, they are figuring out who they are, and where they fit in the world. It is a lot for them to take in! They are changing and therefore we must change with them and adapt to this new phase of parenting. When our children reach adolescence, our role needs to change from being a manager to being a consultant. Consider that both you and your child are going through a period of change, and change = stress.  

If you feel that your child is being difficult have a chat with them. Ask them if they are happy with the relationship they have with you. Be honest with them about how you are feeling. Honesty goes a long way with teenagers. Together you can set the ground rules to this new stage of your relationship. And finally, remember that you are the parent, and you must be the bigger person.  

What Is Normal 16-Year-Old Behavior? 

It is difficult to define what ‘normal’ behaviour is. Some 16-year-olds are really outgoing, loud, and confident whereas others are quiet, do not like going out and are insecure. Both behaviours are normal.  

What may be more useful is to consider that if the behaviour of our teen changes, it may mean that there is something going on. If you notice changes in their eating or sleeping habits, if you notice changes in their grades, routines, in how often they see their friends, or in how they interact in social media, have a chat with them. Ask them if everything is ok or if something is worrying them. I find that a lot about raising a teenager comes down to observing them and being there. More often than not, they do not want to talk, but when they want to talk, it is important to be there otherwise we miss that window of opportunity.  

How To Deal With a Teenager That Doesn’t Care? 

This can be incredibly frustrating for parents! The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Be there for them when they are ready to talk. If and when they want to talk, let them talk. Our main role is to listen. We may be tempted to jump in with solutions to their problems but very often, they don’ want solutions, they just want us to listen. To feel heard and seen. Not to be judged. Consider that the most powerful force to protect your teenager’s mental health is the relationship with you and other important adults in their life. Whatever your teen does or does not do, do not take it personally and try not to have extreme reactions.  

If your teen does not care and does not talk to you and you are coming to your wit’s end, talk to their teachers. See how their behaviour is at school and with their friends. If teachers say that everything is going well, in all likelihood, things are going as they should. If the school shows concerns, perhaps is time to talk to a psychologist or your doctor to get some input.  

To learn more about how to raise a teenager, have a look at Dr Bettina Hohnen’s masterclass on “Understanding the Teenage Brain” and Dr Tara Porter’s “How to Have Difficult Conversations with Your Teenager”.   

If you would like a 1-2-1 session to discuss specific difficulties you are experiencing with your child, do get in touch here. We are here for you.  

I hope you found this article helpful! Please feel free to share with anyone you think may find it helpful. 

Love,  

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar 

References  

⁽¹⁾ Carlson, R. W., Adkins, C., Crockett, M. J., & Clark, M. S. (2022). Psychological selfishness. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 17(5), 1359-1380. https://doi.org/10.1177/17456916211045692 

⁽²⁾ Lam, C. B., McHale, S. M., & Crouter, A. C. (2014). Time with peers from middle childhood to late adolescence: developmental course and adjustment correlates. Child Development, 85, 1677–1693. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.12235. 

⁽³⁾ Sullivan, N. J., Li, R., & Huettel, S. A. (2022). Peer presence increases the prosocial behavior of adolescents by speeding the evaluation of outcomes for others. Scientific Reports, 12(1), 6477. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-10115-0 

⁽⁴⁾ Blakemore, S. J. (2012). Development of the social brain in adolescence. Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, 105(3), 111-116. 

⁽⁵⁾ Smetana, J. G., Tasopoulos‐Chan, M., Gettman, D. C., Villalobos, M., Campione‐Barr, N., & Metzger, A. (2009). Adolescents’ and parents’ evaluations of helping versus fulfilling personal desires in family situations. Child Development, 80(1), 280-294.  

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Should children keep on doing schoolwork during the summer holidays or should they be given a break? This is not an easy question to answer. Depending on who you ask, you will most likely get different answers. Keep reading to discover if the summer slide is really a thing.

Is the Summer Slide Really a Thing?

Educators who advocate for children doing work during the summer do so based on research showing that when children do nothing at all in maths and reading, they lose two to three months of learning. So, it is basically as if they ended the school year in March. This is a reasonably well-documented phenomenon called summer learning loss or summer slide.  

It is important to consider that the summer slide does not impact all children equally. It seems to be worse for neurodivergent children as well as for children who don’t speak the same language at home and at school (e.g., in our case, we speak Spanish at home but my children attend a school in English). Not only may these children forget the academic material, but they may also need to refresh the language in which they are taught. Summer learning loss has also been shown to be worse for children from lower socioeconomic backgrounds.  

Before you rush to buy workbooks for your child to do at the beach, however, it is important to note that other educators are not sure that summer learning loss is really a thing. This is because researchers have recently tried and failed to replicate past studies on this topic and therefore, the guidelines are not entirely clear.  

So, what to do? We have carefully examined the research and our conclusion is that doing some work on maths and reading during the summer is positive for children’s learning. The key is how you approach it.  

How To Support Your Child’s Reading Skills During the Summer

Consider that work does not have to be formal, especially in the case of the little ones. Support your child’s reading skills by taking them to the local library or bookshop. Any book, comic, or magazine they enjoy, will do. Remember that the aim is not to learn new content but to keep up their reading skills. So, if your child wants to read about a topic that you don’t consider important or ‘serious’, let them!  And even better, discuss their reading with them to show you care and that you value their interests. At the same time, you will be supporting their reading comprehension.  

You may also support your child’s reading skills by reading signs when in the bus or the car. Cooking together and asking them to read the recipes. Or asking them to look for certain items in the supermarket.  

How to Support Your Child’s Maths Skills During the Summer

To support your child’s maths, add car number plates when out and about, or cook together asking them to calculate quantities. You can also give them pocket money so they need to count coins, and play board games together that involve counting.  

But Remember…

Other educators advocate that children should not do any work and just rest and have fun over the summer. We totally agree that the summer is the time for children to relax, have fun, and engage in activities they enjoy. However, there are plenty of hours in the day to allow for some reading or do some maths activities. Having said this, summer work fails its purpose if it causes stress on kids and families. Resentment will most certainly not help your child’s learning. If engaging your child in any kind of schoolwork is damaging your relationship, it is probably best to leave it.  

Whereas academic skills are very important, children’s socioemotional skills are also incredibly important, and the summer is an ideal period to practice them. Make the most of their free time by seeing friends and family, have conversations with them, and do things together. Allow your child to have free time when they can choose what to do. Remember that being bored sometimes is not a bad thing. Indeed, it can help develop their creativity! 

Finally, the summer can be the perfect time to strengthen the relationship with your child without having to worry about schedules, music practice, or homework. Whatever you do this summer, have a great one! We hope that by the end of the summer your child feesl refreshed and ready to start the new academic year. 

I hope you find this article helpful. For any comments or questions, drop us an email. We are here for you!

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar