“Thoughts on taking kids to a nude beach or a teenager on a nude beach? We live in California if that makes a difference”.
This decision depends entirely on your values. Some families are very open about nudity and the parents walk naked in front of their kids, while for other families, nudity is a no-no.
If going to a nude beach is something you enjoy and would like to do as a family, then go for it. However, given that your children are not little, I would tell them your plan and ask them if they want to go. Tell them that you are thinking of taking them to a nude beach, explain what they will find there, and ask them for their thoughts. If they don’t want to go, I would probably look for another beach, unless it is really important for you that they give it a go. If you end up going, explain the guidelines of nude beaches to them. Explain about the importance of respecting boundaries and privacy. Make sure your children are comfortable with the idea and discuss any concerns they may have.
I wish you and your children all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I think we’re going through a 4 month sleep regression. What do we do? Really battling with parenthood atm.”
I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. If it is any consolation, you are not the only one struggling with sleep. Sleep is probably the topic that I get most questions about when I deliver corporate talks and in my 1-2-1 sessions with parents.
The truth is that we are all prepared for our newborn to wake up constantly but by month 4, we expect the baby to sleep for at least a few hours in a row, right?? I am afraid this is not the case.
It is normal for babies to wake up through the night. How many times is normal? There is research showing that 3 months old babies wake up 3 times, at 6 months they wake up 3.5 times, at 9 months 4.7 times, and at 12 months they wake 2.6 times. Adults also wake up several times a night, but the difference is that we usually manage to go back to sleep on our own, whereas your baby needs you to help him.
You mention that your baby is sleeping worse than before, and again this is very common. Babies’ sleep patterns usually change anytime between three and six months because their circadian rhythm starts maturing. So, most likely what is happening is that your baby is moving out of their newborn sleep cycle and starting to develop their own unique cycle. If it is any consolation, think of it as a progression rather than as a regression.
Things you can do:
- During the day, the baby should not sleep in the dark and the level of noise should be the ‘normal’ at your household.
- During the night, keep stimulation to a minimum. Try to limit household noise at bedtime. If you live in a noisy environment keep the windows closed and consider using noise-blocking curtains.
- Have a bedtime routine to mark the difference between day and night. This routine should be the same every day. An effective routine could look like: Having a bath, perhaps with some soothing scents like lavender or chamomile, followed by a massage. The bath warms up the body so that the blood vessels near the surface of the skin dilate to help the body cool down, and this cooling helps your baby feel sleepy. After the bath, change your baby into a clean nappy and pyjamas, feed him, and sing a lullaby or read them a story. Try to put them in their cot when they are drowsy but still awake, kiss them and say goodnight, allowing them to fall asleep on their own. Make sure the bedroom is cool, dark, and quiet. Between 16 and 20 degrees Celsius is ideal, and too cool is better than too hot. Everyone has a slightly different temperature preference so you may need to make adjustments to find your baby’s ideal temperature. Feeling your baby’s chest or back when they are asleep should give you a good indication. They should feel warm but not clammy.
- Consider your routine: Most baby books tell you that the gold standard of sleep is 7 pm to 7 am but there is no evidence to support this idea. If you think that putting your baby to sleep a couple of hours later will suit your family’s needs better, do it.
- Think that the same that happens to us, some babies are better sleepers than others.
- If you have a partner, take turns to take care of the baby, so at least you get some uninterrupted sleep a few days a week. If this is not the case, maybe a family member or a good friend, would be willing to give you a hand. Remember to ask for help. Do not struggle in silence.
Two important issues that you should remember:
- If you are considering sleep training, remember that you shouldn’t do it before your baby is at least 6 months. His brain is not ready for it before this age.
- Beware of sleep ‘consultants’ or ‘experts’. The sleep field is totally unregulated in most countries. Anyone can call themselves a ‘sleep consultant’ and start working with families tomorrow. If you are considering hiring someone, check their credential, their expertise, and ask for references. We have our REC Parenting qualified sleep consultants if this is something you would like to explore.
I hope this information is useful. I know that even if I say that it is normal for babies to wake up, you are still going through a bloody tough time. I totally hear you, the endless nights, the constant crying and the sheer exhaustion you have, are horrendous. But I promise you that it will pass. All children will eventually sleep through the night. And remember that you are doing it the best you can. If you want some 1-2-1 support, please get in touch with me.
You may find these articles helpful:
4-Month Sleep Regression in Babies: Facts, Tips, and Tricks
The Cry It Out Method: What You Need to Know
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
All my love,
Ana
“What do you think about smoking while pregnant? I am finding it hard to stop”
Congratulations! I hope the pregnancy is going well.
Smoking when you are pregnant is bad for your baby, even if you don’t smoke a lot. What happens is that every time you smoke, your baby receives less oxygen, and less oxygen means less growth. This is why if you smoke your baby is more likely to be born with low weight and to be born premature. And to make it worse, the consequences of your smoking will still be present after the baby is born. Your baby will be at a higher risk of experiencing SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome).
I am not telling you this to make you feel bad, but to make you aware that whereas with other ‘vices’ like caffeine it is not clear how bad they are for your baby, with smoking there is absolutely no doubt that it is bad.
The good news is that quitting during pregnancy mitigates these problems. Ideally, you would go cold turkey. I know you are finding it tough, and I can assure you that you are not the only one. Very often it takes people several attempts before they manage to quit.
These tips can help you to quit smoking:
- Pace yourself: Ideally, you should stop completely. If you can’t, try to smoke as little as possible. Think that every day you don’t smoke, your baby grows stronger and gets more oxygen.
- Consider nicotine replacement therapy (NRT): discuss with your doctor if this may be a good idea for you.
- Get everyone involved: it will be easier for you to quit if those around you also stop smoking. Remove any reminders of smoking from your home: ashtrays, lighters…
- Use distractions: try to change your routine. For example, if you usually smoke a cigarette in the morning in the kitchen with a coffee, try to go for a walk at that time. Or have your coffee somewhere else. Whenever you feel the need to smoke, have a glass of water or a cup of tea, chew some gum, take a walk, or ring a friend. If you tend to smoke when you are with friends, try to see them less often or meet them at a non-smoking place.
- Try an app: there are smoking cessation apps that can be effective. The important thing is that you go for one that is science-based. Have a look at: quitSTART App (developed by the CDC), NHS Quit Smoking App (developed by the NHS), or iCanQuit (developed by NIH).
- Get professional support: support from a mental health professional will help you to go through the quitting process. Get in touch with me if this is something you would like to explore.
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Will it mess my daughter up if I got her a baby ear piercing? Like is that a problem with consent?”
No, you won’t mess your baby if you pierce her ears and it is totally up to you (and your co-parent) whether to pierce her ears. The only important thing is that the piercing is performed with sterile equipment by a qualified professional and that you follow the instructions they will give you to prevent infections.
I hope this information helps! I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
The other day, a well-known Spanish momfluencer announced that she had become a grandmother. Her comments quickly filled up. Many of her followers were very happy and congratulated her. But a lot of her followers were surprised and even angry at her. Angry because she had kept this pregnancy a secret and only announced it when the baby had already been born. They felt cheated.
This really got me thinking about the relationship we establish with momfluencers we follow. It seems to us that we know them so much, but the reality is that we don’t know them at all. And we only see the bits of their life they want us to see. Even more interesting I find the fact that we come to believe that we have the right to know everything about them but the reality is that we have no right at all. How does the relationship we establish with them work? Does following momfluencers make us happy? Are the relationship we establish with them, fulfilling? How do the millions of followers of momfluencers, like Ruby Franke, react when they discover she was selling a lie?
Parasocial Relationships
The relationship we establish with the influencers we follow is called a parasocial relationship (1). Parasocial relationships are very different to the rest of our social relationships because it is one sided. We develop an emotional connection with the momfluencer but the influencer has no connection to us. We may feel that we know them, but we don’t.
Why Are We Drawn to Momfluencers ?
I am not sure, to be honest and there is not a lot of research on this. It may be that we are looking for role models and we find them in momfluencers. It may be that many of us feel lonely and we feel less so when we create connections with the momfluencers we choose to follow. It may be that we find the content they post valuable and informative. Or it may be that we like a peek into other people’s lives. Whatever the reasons are, we must be getting something out of it, otherwise we wouldn’t do it.
How Do We Decide Who to Follow?
Again, there is not a lot of research (2) about this. Who you decide to follow depends on your personal values, socioeconomic status, and your culture.
Sara Petersen, author of Momfluenced, believes that women follow momfluencers who are succeeding where they think they are failing. So, for example if you find motherhood tough you may gravitate towards the influencer that makes it look easy and fun. Or if you have a very messy house and you feel bad about it, you may follow the momfluencer that keeps an immaculate house.
Be Mindful of How They Affect You
In general, research shows that mothers feel worse after engaging with the content shared by momfluencers. Specifically, mothers report feeling more anxious and envious after engaging with this type of content. Why? Because momfluencers usually show an idealized motherhood with pristine houses, perfectly behaved children, beautifully folded laundry and home-baked bread.
It is important to note that most of the studies available are correlational and therefore we cannot know if mothers who feel worse to start with are the ones more drawn to this type of social media content or whether it is indeed that engaging with this type of content makes mothers feel bad. To solve this problem, Dr Ciera Kirkpatrick designed a study (3) in 2022 that could show causality. What did she find? She found that when moms were exposed to idealized portrayals of motherhood, their levels of anxiety and envy increased. And interestingly, it did not matter if these images came from influencers or from your next-door neighbour. Engaging with idealized motherhood content makes us feel bad. The reality is that even if from a rational perspective we know that this curated idea of motherhood that many women portray is not real, our brain is not prepared to register it. Watching those super curated images of motherhood make us feel bad.
I also want to touch here on the advice some of these women give. They are not parenting experts, most of them do not hold qualifications on developmental psychology, teaching, midwifery or paediatrics. So, I would urge you to take their advice on parenting and child development with a grain of salt. Take them as personal anecdotes but not as professional advice. To give you a few examples, I have seen some of these momfluencers saying that giving birth in a hospital will damage your attachment with your baby or that giving butter to your baby will help them sleep through the night. Some of the advice they give is simply not science-based, and some can even be dangerous.
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
Never Forget that It Is a Business
Momfluencers are women who have chosen to monetize their motherhood through a social media (4) account. There are many different types of momfluencers: beige, neurodivergent, gay, muslim, catholic, trad moms, disabled, mormons… What they all have in common is that they perform motherhood publicly, making money through affiliate links or sponsored content. The truth is that brands love momfluencers because women are the ones who follow them, and we control around 85% of household purchases. We are also the ones choosing big tickets, like the stroller or the cot. It is estimated that millennial moms (5) have $2.4 trillion to spend. Mothers are a big market for brands. The final goal of most momfluencers is to sell you something.
Momfluencers Are Shaping Motherhood
And while momfluencers post about their parenting journey and make some money while at it, they are also shaping motherhood. For example, the gentle parenting trend became massive because it went viral on Instagram. Similarly, other parenting trends like attachment parenting also went viral in social media. Whether intentionally or not, momfluencers are shaping the way we raise our children.
Finally…
If you are a mother and you are in social media, it is almost impossible that you will escape the momfluencers because the algorithm will keep pushing them on to you. There are two things that I would advise you to do:
- Always ask yourself: Does following this person make me feel better or worse? If the answer is worse: Unfollow. Does this content help me have a good relationship with my children? If the answer is no: Unfollow.
- Try to follow ‘realistic’ momfluencers as opposed to those showing all round perfection. Realistic content is less likely to make you feel bad.
You may find these articles useful:
Sharenting: Is It Good or Bad?
On Netflix’s Adolescence: Is the Internet Raising Our Kids?
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Conde, R., & Casais, B. (2023). Micro, macro and mega-influencers on instagram: The power of persuasion via the parasocial relationship. Journal of business research, 158, 113708. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbusres.2023.113708
(2) Beuckles, E., & De Wolf, R. (2025). Social media influencers as new agents on parenthood? A systematic review of parent influencer research and a future research agenda. Information, Communication, & Society, 28(4), 744-762. https://doi.org/10.1080/1369118X.2024.2334913
(3) Kirkpatrick CE, Lee S. Comparisons to picture-perfect motherhood: How Instagram’s idealized portrayals of motherhood affect new mothers’ well-being. Computers in Human Behavior. 2022 Dec 1;137:107417.
(4) Blum-Ross, A. & Livingstonge, S. (2017). Sharenting, parent bloging, and the boundaries of the digital self. Popular Communication, 15(2), 110-125. https://doi.org/10.1080/15405702.2016.1223300
(5) https://www.forbes.com/sites/christinecarter/2017/06/15/millennial-moms-the-2-4-trillion-social-media-influencer/
“How does play decrease egocentric thinking? I read an article recently that dipped into this topic, but am trying to learn more about it for taking care of my niece and nephew.”
When we are born, we don’t have the ability to understand that others may have different feelings, thoughts or perspectives. Children think for example, if they like strawberries, everyone else must like strawberries. This is called egocentric thinking. Children think this way until they are around 6 or 7.
Play helps children develop their emotional, social, and cognitive skills. This is why it is so important that children are allowed to play. Play is not something that children just do. Play has a purpose, and this is why children should be allowed to play.
During play, children have to share with others. They learn about others’ children’s opinions, ideas, and beliefs, and they begin to understand that they are different to their own. They see that others do things in a different way. All of these help them to leave behind their egocentric thinking.
So, the important thing is that you allow your niece and nephew to play. And remember that children benefit especially from unstructured and outdoors play.
I hope this information is helpful. Your niece and nephew are lucky to have an adult as committed as you are!
You may also find these masterclasses useful:
Forest School: Everything You Need to Know
Lots of love,
Ana
“how to manage high sugar levels and high blood pressure 20 weeks pregnant”
I would urge to consult with your doctor to monitor your blood pressure and the baby’s growth.
In general, the recommendations by the NHS and other organizations are to:
- Keep a healthy diet: you should try to eat starchy and low glycaemic index (e.g., pulses, beans, brown rice, wholewheat pasta, granary bread, muesli). Avoid sugary drinks. Eat lean sources of protein (e.g., fish) and plenty of fruits and vegetables.
- Do regular exercise: physical activity lowers your blood glucose level.
- Take blood pressure medications if prescribed by your doctor.
- Do not drink alcohol, smoke, or use illegal drugs.
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Photo credit: Unsplash
“Is spanking child abuse?”
It depends on where you live. In some countries, any kind of physical discipline (including spanking), is illegal. In other countries, spanking is legal.
The issue is that we should avoid spanking our children as much as we can because it is not good for them. Children that are spanked are more likely to be aggressive, and to have mental health issues. Their relationship with their parents is also likely to be worse. And importantly, children who are spanked are at a higher risk of suffering physical abuse. Why? Because if you spank your child, it is likely that you will need to keep on spanking harder and harder, so that it keeps on having an effect on your child.
I know that many parents think that it is OK to spank their children. But believe me when I tell you that there are a lot of studies on this area: no study has found that spanking has benefits for children. It is true that a few studies have found that it is not bad but no study has found that it is good. So, why do it then? Very often when we do it, it’s because we have lost our temper. If you are losing your temper, it is best to leave the room and come back when you feel calmer than to spank your child.
I hope this information helps. I leave you here some articles that you may also find interesting:
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Is It Illegal for Parents to Smack their Child?
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
How to Discipline a 3-Year-Old?
Can You Discipline a 1 Year-Old?
Lots of love,
Ana
A few weeks ago, I attended a family wedding. It was a small wedding filled with love, laughter, tears, and fun. We all had a great time. And it got me thinking… Why is family important? How important is it? Given how much families have changed over the past few decades: what do families look like these days? And do we still think that families are as important as we used to?
Why Is Growing Up with Family Important?
If we look at psychology, anthropology and sociology textbooks they tell us that families are crucial in children’s development. Family (1) is important because it:
- Plays a very important socialization role
- Provides a sense of belonging and identity
- Provides emotional, financial, and psychological support
- Promotes personal, emotional, and social development
- Preserves cultural traditions and family history
- Contributes to the overall health and well-being of its members
“Good” vs “Bad” Families
For the past 60 odd years, psychologists have examined what aspects of family life make a difference to children’s psychological wellbeing. There are three main factors (2):
- The quality of parent-child relationship: Parents who are warm and loving, set limits, and are invested, tend to have children who are well adjusted.
- The quality of parents’ relationship: the fact that parents fight does not matter that much, what matters is how they fight. Frequent, violent fights tend to be negative for children’s wellbeing
- The parents’ mental health: one of the biggest predictors of children’s mental health is their parents’ mental health (genetics also play a role here).
Types of Families
Families have changed so much. Until quite recently, if you asked anyone to describe a typical family, most people would describe a mother and a father who are married with one or more children. However, in recent decades, societies (especially in the Western world) have changed a lot, and so have families. New family types have appeared:
- Single parent: one parent lives alone with their children. This type of family is on the rise, especially single mothers.
- Same sex: two men or two women that are in a stable relationship and live with their children.
- Blended: two people who were married before, establish a new family, bringing their own children to create a new family
- Childless family: couples who by choice or not, have no children. This type of family is also becoming more popular.
Does the Type of Family Matter for Children’s Development?
For the most part, no (3). Research shows that what matters for children’s development is not how families look like, but the quality of the relationships within the family. Once we control factors such as financial situation and parents’ education level, children living in a ‘non-conventional’ family do not differ in their cognitive or socioemotional development to children living in traditional families.
However, there are some nuances because the different types of non-traditional families are very different. It is clearly not the same to grow up being an unplanned child of a teenage mother than growing up with two same-sex parents who wanted you so much they spent years going through round after round of IVF, or to be part of a blended family and having to get used to it. Each child is differently affected by these challenges. Some will take these challenges in their stride whereas for others it can be more difficult.
Is It True that Families Are in Decline?
It is true that the traditional family (4) has been in decline since approximately the 1960s. However, families are not in decline. Families are changing but not disappearing. And the function of the family remains the same. Families are as important as ever.
Do People Consider Family as Important as It Used to Be?
There is not a lot of data to answer this question. I suspect that the answer will be very different depending on your culture.
In the US, 70% of people aged 65 and older (5) say that family is the most important thing in life. Whereas only 50% of people under 30 say the same (6). Nine in ten people see family as either one of the most important things or as a very important but not the most important thing.
Why Are More People Going ‘No Contact’ with their Parents?
Family estrangement (7) is the process by which family members become strangers to one another. Sometimes this may be the result of one big fight, child abuse or neglect, parents’ substance abuse, and other times it is the result of the accumulation of many grievances throughout the years.
There is not much data on this topic, but anecdotal evidence from psychologists suggest that more and more young people are cutting ties with their parents. Or it could be that we are simply becoming more open about it. To give you an idea of numbers, according to a 2022 poll, 1 in 4 of Americans are estranged from a close family member.
Some psychologists suggest that the reason why more people are going no contact is that the way we think about family is changing. Older generations have a sense of duty towards their family members, whereas the younger generations want healthy family relations and do not feel obliged to put up with their families if they think it is not healthy or safe for them. There has been a shift from honouring our parents to focusing on mental health and happiness.
Finally…
Families have changed a lot over the past few decades, and they will probably keep on changing as year go by. What it does not seem to change is the fact that children need loving families to thrive. Whatever they look like.
You may also find these articles useful:
Advantages and Disadvantages of Growing Up in a Same-Sex Family
Staying Connected as a Couple When You Become Parents
How to Deal with In-Laws: the Good, Bad, and Ugly
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
I hope you find this information useful. Get in touch with me if you have any queries or comments.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Parke, R.D. (2004). Development in the family. Annual Review of Psychology, 55. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.55.090902.141528
(2) Golombok, S. (2022). We Are Family. London: Scribe.
(3) Golombok, S. (2017). Parenting in new family forms. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 76-80. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.004
(4) Bengston, V.L. (2004). Beyond the nuclear family: The increasing importance of multigenerational bonds. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(1), 1-6). https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00001.x
(5) https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44817-poll-family-ties-proximity-and-estrangement
(7) Melvin, K., & Hickey, J. (2022). The changing impact and challenges of familial estrangement. The Family Journal, 30(3), 348-356.
“What should a 2 year old know? I’m worried that my daughter is behind the curve based on what other moms in my facebook group are posting about their kids”
I would encourage you to (kindly) ignore what other mums say. Remember that childhood is not a race. Most children reach developmental milestones at or about the same age. Some will reach the milestones sooner and others a bit later. The fact that a child hits a milestone a bit later, does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong. If you are worried that something may be wrong, have a chat with your doctor. Moms very often exaggerate what their children can do!
In terms of what a 2 year old should be doing, have a read at this article where we explain it: Developmental Milestones at 2 Years Old
I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How to co-parent with a narcissist? I’m at my whits end with him”
I am not sure if your co-parent has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder or if you are using the term ‘narcissist’ to describe someone who is very self-centred.
In any case, here are some useful tips for you to take:
- Accept that he probably won’t change.
- Set clear boundaries. Draw the line on what is OK and what is not.
- Make a parenting plan. Doing so will help you to establish clear boundaries and rules and it will hopefully help avoid future disagreements. There are some examples in the link below.
- Do not talk badly about him to your child. Refer about him in a respectful way. Try to appreciate his good points and not linger on his faults.
- Consider therapy. If handling it on your own, is getting too much, therapy might be a good idea. The therapist will help you manage difficult scenarios and will also help you manage your feelings. If your child is having a tough time, counselling for him may be a good idea. Get in touch with me if you want to explore this idea.
You may also find these articles interesting:
What Is a Narcissistic Parent?
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
Co-parenting is not easy but co-parenting with someone who is extremely self-centred can feel like an impossible task. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How to discipline a 3 year old – I don’t want to be lax but he’s also acting up so much lately.”
How to discipline our children is probably one of the trickiest things. Knowing when you are being too lax, or too strict is not always easy.
Here are some important things for you to remember when disciplining your 3-year-old:
- Remember that discipline always works best when you have a warm and loving relationship with your child.
- Use praise: very often we only focus on the things that our children don’t do well or that they get wrong, and we ignore the things they do well. Try to focus on the things that he does well and praise him: “Look how well you have tidied up your toys!”, “Well done, you have shared so nicely with your brother!”. Think that our children usually want to please us, and they are likely to repeat the behaviours that they know we like.
- Be consistent: children do better when they have a clear and structured routine. Knowing what comes next makes them feel safe and they are less likely to act out.
- Do not smack him, and as much as you can, try not to shout at him. If you are losing your patience, it’s better to leave the room a few minutes and come back feeling calmer.
- If he is throwing tantrums, do not give in. If the tantrum has already started, make sure that he cannot hurt himself, give him a bit of space, and wait for it to finish. Do not give in because if you do, you are reinforcing his behaviour, and he will learn that if he throws a tantrum he will get what he wants. Once the tantrum has finished, give him a hug and do something together.
- Think one step ahead of him. At this stage, try to be proactive. Distract him before he sees the jar of biscuits, don’t take him to run errands close to his nap time, and redirect him whenever he is getting close to doing something dangerous.
You may also find these articles interesting:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
How to Stop Yelling at my Kids
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
I hope this information helps! I wish you and your little one the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What is shaken baby syndrome and can bouncing a baby cause shaken baby syndrome? can my 3-year-old still get baby shake syndrome?”
Shaken Baby Syndrome is a serious brain injury that occurs when a parent or a caregiver violently shakes a baby. As the baby’s brain, neck, and skull are still immature, violent shaking can cause swelling, bruising, and bleeding in the brain. As a result, the brain can be permanently damaged, impairing the baby’s future development or even killing them.
It can be seen in children up to 5 years old, but it is more likely during the first year of life (6). It occurs most often in babies younger than six months old.
Shaken Baby Syndrome cannot be caused by tossing a baby in the air, bouncing a baby, or rough play. The force required to cause it is so strong that it is very unlikely to happen by accident.
You can read more about it in this article: Shaken Baby Syndrome: Facts and Controversies
I hope this information helps. If you would like 1-2-1 support, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
“What is parental alienation?”
Parental alienation is a mental condition in which a child allies strongly with one parent and refuses to have a relationship with the other parent. The alienated parent is rejected without any justifiable reason, such as physical or emotional abuse, or neglect.
The most common cause is that the child is manipulated by the other parent. As a result, the child ends up disliking or being afraid of the alienated parent. Parental alienation usually happens when parents are going through a very conflictive separation or divorce. However, it can also happen in intact families. Especially, if the couple is going through a rough patch or have a very difficult relationship.
The result of parental alienation is the breakdown of the relationship between the targeted parent and the child.
Alienation may be done by mothers and fathers.
You can read more about it in this article: Navigating Parental Alienation
I hope this information helps. If you would like 1-2-1 support, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
“When do babies start teething? I feel like my baby is starting really early”
Most babies get their first tooth at around 6 months. But think that all babies are different, some babies are born with a tooth, others start teething before they are 4 months old, and others get their first tooth after their first birthday.
The two top front teeth are usually the first to appear. The two top central teeth usually come next.
Most children will have all their milk teeth by the time they are between 2 and 3 years old.
Sometimes teething babies can have symptoms, such as:
- Chewing on objects
- Drooling more than usual
- Crankiness
- A face rash
- Sore or tender gums
- A slight rise in temperature but no fever
Many parents believe that teething causes fever, crying, and diarrhoea but these symptoms tend to have other causes.
Treatments to Soothe Sore Gums
- Rub your baby’s gums
- Cool gums with cold teething rings of dummies
- Give your baby pain medicine such as paracetamol
Do not use remedies such as homeopathic teething tablets or teething necklaces, bracelets or anklets
I hope this information helps. I wish you all the best to you and your baby.
Love,
Ana
“How to explain divorce to a child (my wife left us and i dont know how to tell my 6-y/o son)”
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. From your message I understand that your wife left without an explanation or saying goodbye.
You need to tell your son that sometimes couples do not want to live with each other anymore and that his mum has left because of this.
Take his lead and tell him the information he asks. Do not give him information he has not asked for. Do not overwhelm him. Be honest with him. If he asks about something that you do not know. Simply tell him the truth. Tell him that you don’t know but that you are with him. Always.
You need to reassure him that nothing he has done has made his mum leave. This is not his fault.
Your son may worry that you may also leave. Tell him that you will never leave him. That you will always be there for him.
Your son will probably find it difficult to adapt to this new situation. He may start showing regressive behaviours (e.g., waking up at night, wetting the bed, sucking his thumb). Be there for him, show him love and compassion. Validate his feelings. Tell him that you understand that he is finding it difficult and that it will get better. He may find it difficult focusing at school and paying attention to tasks.
He may become very clingy with you because he worries that you will also leave. Be patient with him. Reassure him that you will never leave. Whenever you leave him (to go to work or run an errand), explain to him where you are going, what you are doing, when you are coming back, and who is taking care of him while you are away. Try to stick to your word.
Talk to his teacher. Let them know what is going on at home. Build a strong support system for your son between you and his teacher.
Your son will have feelings of loss of control and uncertainty. It is important that you keep the same routine that he always has had. This will give him a sense of security and control.
I hope this information helps. Do please get in touch with me if you would like to have a session to discuss how you can best support him. I am here to help.
Finally, remember that this is a very difficult moment for your son but also for you. You need to be strong to be able to take care of your son. Try to eat well, do some exercise, and see friends. If you need some extra support, please do get in touch with me as well.
I wish you and you son all the very best.
Love,
Ana
The brain is the command center of our body. Yet, it is the only organ that is not fully developed by the time we are born. Let’s explore how the brain develops from birth onwards.
The Brain at Birth
When a baby is born, his brain already has most of the hundred thousand million brain cells (neurons) that he will have as an adult. However, those neurons (1) are not yet connected to each other. During the baby’s life they will get connected to each other creating trillions of connections.
When we feel emotional because our child says, ‘I love you’, when we react to a danger, when talk to our loved ones, or we read a book, is because our neurons are communicating to one another. This is how our brain works.
How Does the Brain Develop?
The brain gets bigger for a long time after birth. By the time a child (2) is 6 years-old, the brain is 90% of the adult size. The adult brain weighs about 1.4 kg.
A baby’s brain develops through their experiences, relationships and interactions. Through all these experiences, the brain creates new neural pathways. The more the brain uses these pathways, the stronger they become. Those pathways that are not used will die. This is called synaptic pruning. Its function is to make the brain more efficient by letting go of those pathways that we do not need.
The brain develops from back to front. The frontal lobe is the last part of the brain to develop. In the frontal lobe is where our executive functions live. Executive functions (3) are the most important skills to have in life. They are skills such as planning, concentration, decision making, understanding other people, self-awareness, flexibility, attention… As you can see, without these skills it is very difficult to do well. The frontal lobe keeps developing until we are around 25 years old.
When Does the Brain Stop Developing?
The brain keeps changing through our life. Our brain as a baby is very different to our brain when we are teenagers, which is again different to our adult brain.
The early years are the most active for establishing neural connections. More than 1 million neural connections are formed every second in the first fear years of life. The connections that are formed early in life, provide either a strong or weak foundation for the connections that will be created later.
A baby’s brain can create so many neural connections because it is incredibly plastic (4). Through adolescence, the brain goes through another period of great plasticity. During this time, the brain reinforces the most important connections and prunes those that are no longer relevant. This allows for a huge expansion of skills. The plasticity of the brain declines as we get older.
What Role Do Parents Play in the Brain Development of our Children?
It is important not to go overboard here. In general, remember that provided a child is well taken care of, they will reach their full potential. As parents and caregivers (5) these are the things we can do to support our child’s brain development:
- Protect your child: adverse experiences such as being exposed to poverty, neglect or abuse may hinder the brain’s development. These experiences create stress in children, and this stress may alter the structure and functions of the brain.
- Establish a loving, responsive relationship with your child: child thrive when they interact with adults that are caring and responsive.
- Feed them well: Nourishment is important because the brain needs a lot of energy. Twenty per cent of the calories we consume are used to fuel the brain.
- They need their sleep: getting enough sleep while growing up can benefit the development of children’s brains. Research has found that the brain of children who do not get enough sleep had less grey area or smaller volume in some areas of the brain responsible for memory, attention, and inhibition control.
Six Myths About Brain Development in Children
- The brain (6) is fully developed at birth. Not at all! The majority of neurons are already there when a baby is born but the connections between the neurons need to be established.
- The more you stimulate your child, the better. Well, this is not correct. Children need enough stimulation for their brain to develop, but there is a threshold. The idea that if a little bit of stimulation is good, a ton of it must be better, is not correct.
- The sooner you start to stimulate a baby, the better. Yes, but with nuances. Children can only start to read, write or walk when their brains are ready for it. Pushing them too early to acquire a skill may mean that they are not ready for it and it may even be counterproductive. It is important to remember that each child has a different rhythm of learning. Some will go faster than others. Childhood is not a race.
- Children only learn from adults. Not at all! Children learn from everyone around them. They learn different things from children than from adults, but they learn from everyone around them.
- Some children are right-brained, others are left-brained. Children that are artistic, are meant to be right-brained and those who are more analytical, are meant to be left-brained. This idea is a myth. There is a small industry making money out of promising to improve your child’s life by helping them to optimize both sides of the brain. You can happily ignore them and save some money.
- Play is not important. No! Play is important because it supports children’s cognitive, social, and emotional development. And remember that play does not have to be structured and organized to be useful. Children benefit a lot from unstructured, unsupervised and outdoors play.
Finally…
You may also find these resources useful:
Executive Functions: Discover Everything You Need to Know
Developmental Milestones at 2-Years-Old
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
Understanding and Identifying Your Child’s Nutritional Needs
The Importance of Sleep for Children and Teenagers
I hope this information is useful. Remember that I am here if you have any questions or worries. Get in touch anytime!
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Lenroot, R.K., & Giedd, J.N. (2006). Brain development in children and adolescents: Insights from anatomical magnetic resonance imaging. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 30(6), 718-729. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2006.06.001
(2) Brown, T.T., & Jernigan, T.L. (2012). Brain development during the preschool years. Neuropsychological Rev, 22(4), 313-333. doi:10.1007/s11065-012-9214-1.
(3) Blakemore, S.J., & Choudhury, S. (2006). Development of the adolescent brain: Implications for executive function and social cognition. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 47(3), 296-312. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2006.01611.x
(4) Kolb, B., Mychasiuk, R., Muhammad, R., & Gibb, R. (2013). Brain plasticity in the developing brain. Progress in Brain Research, 35-64. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-444-63327-9.00005-9
(5) Belsky, J., & de Haan, M. (2011). Annual research review: Parenting and children’s brain development: the end of the beginning. The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 52(4), 409-428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1469-7610.2010.02281.x
(6) Furnham, A. (2018). Myths and misconceptions in Developmental and Neuro-Psychology. Psychology, 9, 249-259. https://doi.org/10.4236/psych.2018.92016
“What is conscious co parenting, or do you have any tips on healthy co-parenting? I’m newly divorced and struggling with balancing the new type of relationship we now have.“
Co-parenting can sometimes be difficult. Co-parenting between divorced parents can sometimes feel like an ordeal.
The most important thing is that even if it is difficult, you must always put your child’s interests first. Remember that what matter for children is not the divorce itself, but the level of conflict between their parents. It is not good for children to live with parents that have a very difficult relationship and fight a lot. Never use your child as a weapon to hurt your ex or use him as a messenger between you and your ex.
If you have not already done it, I really recommend that you and your ex-partner create a parenting plan. In this plan, you will reach an agreement about every detail of your child’s life, like: who should the school contact when there is a problem, who will decide and pay for extracurricular activities, how to discipline your child, or how much contact your child will have with the extended family. You can find a detailed explanation of a parenting plan and few template ideas here.
Remember also that it is better for your child to have consistent rules and limits at both houses. Ideally, your child will go to bed at the same time or have the same rules regarding screen time, regardless of whether he is with you or your ex.
Try to have frequent conversations about your child with your ex-partner. It will be good for your child if you are both on the same page and put a united front whenever there are important issues to discuss. If direct communication is tricky, communicate via email. The important thing is that you communicate for the sake of your child.
It will also be positive for your child, if you and your ex attend teachers’ meetings together or spend important holidays or birthdays together.
Tell your child that you and your ex don’t love each other like you used to but that you both will always love them and that nothing that has happened is their fault.
Let their teachers know what is happening at home, so they can keep an eye on your child, in case he struggles for a bit. Think that many children experience a decline in their wellbeing for a while after their parents divorce, but most of them bounce back after a year or so.
If you want to discuss it further, please do get in touch with me.
I wish you and your family all the best in this new stage of your life.
You may also find these articles useful:
Should We Divorce or Stay Together for the Kids?
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
My Partner and I Have Different Parenting Styles
I Am Newly Separated and Struggling
Love,
Ana
“What is a helicopter parent? My grandmother accused me of ruining my child’s independence by being one, but doesn’t it just mean that I’m protective?”
A helicopter parent is one that overprotects their child. A helicopter parent hovers over their child, making choices for them, and solving their problems. Helicopter parents act from a place of love, but the issue is that when we are too protective, we don’t let our children solve their own problems. We all want to protect our children, but we must remember that the best way to protect them is not to solve their problems for them but to teach them how to solve them. Our children need to fail to learn to cope with negative feelings and become resilient.
So, I guess that your grandmother believes that you are overprotecting your child. Your grandmother is not the only one from that generation who thinks that we are overprotecting our children. After all, the way we raise children these days is very different to the way your grandmother was raised or to the way she raised her own children.
I don’t know if you are indeed overprotecting your child or not. What I do know is that you are clearly trying to do what is best for your child.
Read this article to learn more about helicopter parenting: What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How well should a 5 month old motor skills work?”
In terms of fine motor skills, a 5 month-old baby, generally:
- Touches fingers together
- Begins reaching with both hands at the same time
- Is able to reach and grasp a small toy using with both hands
- Touches, shakes, or bangs an object on a table or hard surface
- Can put things in his mouth or move them from hand to hand.
In terms of gross motor skills, a 5-month-old baby, generally:
- Can hold their head on their own (or trying to)
- Is starting to move their body more by rolling, reaching and wriggling
- May be sitting up with some support and use their hands for balance when they are sitting
- Can bear weight on their legs when stood up
- Can push onto their elbows from their tummies
Remember that most babies reach these milestones around the age of five months, but each baby develops at a different pace. Some will do one or a few of these things sooner and others will take a bit longer. If at any point you are worried about your child’s development, talk to your doctor.
You may also find these articles useful:
When Do Babies Discover their Own Hands?
When Do Babies Start Crawling?
Developmental Milestones at 2 Years Old
Child Development: Fine Motor Skills
I hope this information is useful.
All the best,
Ana
“Advice for anxiety in children under 10?”
Anxiety is a feeling of worry, unease or fear. It is experienced as a mix of feelings, thoughts and physical sensations in our body.
We all feel anxious at times. It is the emotion we are meant to feel when we are facing some situations. For example, it is ok and even good to feel anxious before an exam, because that anxiety will motivate us to revise. The problem is when the anxiety becomes too much, and it paralyses us and affects our everyday life.
The best thing we can do for a child that feel anxious is to help him manage the anxiety. It is a good idea to help your child understand how anxiety works. First, help your child identify what situations make them anxious. Is it facing an exam, going to a friend’s house, doing a new activity, having a sleepover? Help him identify when he feels anxious and how he feels when he is anxious. For example: “Do you feel a knot in your stomach?, Do you feel your heart is racing?, do you get sweaty palms, do you get scary thoughts? Explain that anxiety, like any other emotion, passes and that we all feel it at times.
Once you both identify those situations, you can think of a few strategies that may help him relax. For example:
- He can take ten deep and slow breathings
- He can put very cold water on his wrists
- He can picture a place or someone that makes them him happy (e.g., the beach, his bedroom, his dog…)
- You can role play a new situation that is making him anxious. For example, if he gets anxious whenever he has to do something new, walk him through what will happen. Doing this, will help him feel more in control.
He does not need to do all these things each time, it is about figuring out which of these strategies work for him. Some children find useful to have a worry box, where they can write and place all their concerns. Others find useful to have ‘worry-time’, for 10 minutes they can say all the things that worry them and then they go back to their activities. If you do either of these two activities, do not do them before bedtime.
Remember that the goal is not to eliminate anxiety from your child’s life but help him manage it. You cannot promise your child that he won’t face problems but you can tell him that you are confident that he is able to face them, even if sometimes it will be difficult. Respect his feelings but don’t empower them. For example, if he is anxious because he is going to the doctor, say something like: “I know you are anxious and it is ok. I am here with you”.
Finally, watch the movies Inside Out and Inside Out 2. These two movies are really helpful to discuss emotions with our children. The first one does not discuss anxiety but the second one does.
You may also find these articles useful:
How to Help a Child with Anxiety
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
I hope this information helps you. If you want to discuss further how to support the specific needs of your child, do get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
“Can you discipline a 1 year old? He’s a boy”
Yes, you can. At this age, discipline is mostly about keeping them safe. As they grow, you can start building on your discipline techniques and explaining to him why things are wrong and why he should not do them. Remember that discipline is not the same as punishment. The goal of discipline is for children to understand why his behaviours are right or wrong.
At his age you can start to very gentle discipline him using these techniques:
- Keep expectations reasonable: when your son keeps throwing his food to the floor, he is not doing it to annoy you. He is learning. He is learning to control his own movements, he is learning that he can throw things on the floor, he is learning how you react when he does it. This behaviour is annoying, but he is not doing it to annoy you. Do not get upset. Do not overact and either ignore it or redirect his attention.
- Praise them: little children love to please their parents. So, whenever he does something good, praise him. For example: “Look, how well you shared with your sister, well done!”. He is more likely to repeat this behaviour because you gave him your attention.
- Be proactive: toddlers usually behave worse when they are tired or hungry. Try not to put him in potentially tricky situations when he is feeling this way. For example, do not take him to the supermarket just before lunch time because he is more likely to want to eat whatever he sees and throw a tantrum when you say no.
- Redirect him: If he is about to stick his fingers in the socket or break something, just take him and make him focus on something else. If he likes to pull your hair, do not give him a big reaction because he will be more likely to do it again. Instead, do not say anything, gently remove his hand, and redirect it to a toy.
- Say ‘no’ and stick to it. Children need to hear the word ‘no’. They need limits wile they grow up. When we say ‘no’ our child learns that there is a limit there. When you say ‘no’ stick to it because otherwise your child learns that if he whines, he gets what he wants.
- Be consistent: if you do not want him to pull your hair. Always tell him no and react in the same way. If one day you laugh when he does it, and the next day you get angry when he does the same thing, he will get confused.
Discipline is a difficult aspect of parenting. Remember that very often how we discipline has a lot to do with us being able to control our own emotions and reactions. If you ever feel you are going to lose it, leave the room, and calm yourself down before going back. Discipline always work better when you have close and warm relationship with your child.
You may also find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
I hope you find this information useful. I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
Dr Ana Aznar
“What are your thoughts on emancipation? My ex-best friend’s daughter wants to explore this option for herself, but I don’t know how to get emancipated without parental consent. She spends a lot of time living with me but I want to help her with long term escape plans, legally & permanently“.
Emancipation refers to the legal process in which a minor is freed from control by their parents or guardians, and the parents of guardians are freed from responsibility for the child. A child cannot get emancipated before they turn 16.
When a child gets emancipated, they are granted authority and legal ownership of their bank accounts and properties. They are able to make financial, housing, and medical decisions on their own. Emancipation brings freedom but it also brings new responsibilities and burdens: paying rent and other living costs, paying medical bills, or being sued. This does not mean that the minor becomes an adult. They still will not be able to vote, buy or drink alcohol, get a driver’s licence, or quit school before the legal age of doing so.
The process of emancipation depends on the country (or state if you are in the US) where you live.
In the US, different states have different laws with little guidance from federal law. There are three ways a child can become emancipated: getting married (but parental consent is needed to get married), joining the military or go to court and have the judge declare them emancipated. To get legally emancipated in a court, the minor is responsible for filing a petition with the juvenile court. The minor has the responsibility for proving that they have the ability to support themselves financially and that they have a place to live. When making a decision, the court will consider factors, such as the age of the minor, his maturity, home situation, and whether emancipation is in his best interest, before. Parents or guardians must be notified of the child’s request for emancipation. Usually, parents or guardians have the right to object to the emancipation.
In the UK, teenagers are able to leave home without parental or guardian permission at the age of 16. However, they remain under their parents’ custody until they reach 18.
There are many different reasons why a child may want to get emancipated: escaping an abusive or neglectful home, making their own healthcare decisions, enrolling in a high school or trade school of their choice, or not getting on with their parents. Whatever the reasons, it is usually and tough decision that must be made after serious consideration and always keeping the best interest of the minor in mind.
I don’t know the specific case of the girl you want to help. My advice is:
- That she, if at all possible, discusses the issue with her parents. And to carefully consider if she may ever want to go back to their family. Are the problems temporary or permanent?
- She must carefully consider if she can really support herself before filing the petition.
- Contact a local lawyer so she can get legal advice.
- Emancipation is a painful process. It may be a good idea that she receive psychological support. Do get in touch with me if you would like to explore this option.
Thank you for trusting me with your problems and I hope you find this information useful. I wish this child the very best of luck.
Love,
Ana
“Can you get a tattoo at 16 with parental consent if it’s not a stupid design?”
It seems that this is a popular question within our community! Another parent asked the same exact question a few weeks ago. As I explained to this other parent, there is no right or wrong answer to this question. It depends on your judgement and your values as a parent. There are however a few things that I recommend you consider when making this decision. You can read them in this article: Should I Let my Teenager Get a Tattoo?
I hope this information helps!
Love,
Ana
