“It won’t stop crying”
You don’t give much information, so I assume you have a baby that won’t stop crying. I sympathize because it is incredibly tough.
Crying is a way for babies to communicate with their caregivers. Babies tend to cry when they feel hungry, tired, in pain, thirsty, discomfort, or alone. When your baby cries check for possible reasons: Has he fed well? Does he have a dry nappy? Has he slept? Does he have a temperature? If everything seems in order and you still think he cries a lot, take him to the doctor to check any other possible causes for his crying.
I don’t know how old your baby is, but it is important to understand what normal crying behaviour is. All babies cry; however, some cry more than others, making it more difficult for parents and caregivers to keep their cool. Typically, babies cry for 4 or 5 hours a day, peaking at 6-8 weeks of life. From around 3 months of age, most babies start crying a bit less. It is also very normal for crying to come and go, without you understanding why. And for the baby not to stop crying no matter what you do. It is also very common for babies to cry more in the late afternoon or early evening.
When he cries, letting him breastfeed, holding him or putting him in a sling, giving a massage or a bath, or taking him out for a walk, may calm him down.
Being alone with a crying baby can be really tough for you. If you are finding it too much, ring a friend, ask a neighbour to help, or go outside where there are other people. And remember to never shake your baby.
You may find these articles useful:
My 11-Month Is Very Fussy, Is it Normal?
When Does the Baby Clingy Stage End?
Shaken Baby Syndrome: Facts and Controversies
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What would you recommend for consequences at home for bad behavior at school? He’s 12 and has been yelling, swearing, and refusing to follow rules, but our talks with him don’t seem to be doing anything”
I understand your despair. It is really frustrating when nothing you do works to change your child’s behaviour. I would first talk with his teachers to get a full picture of what is going on at school: is the bad behaviour happening across all lessons with all teachers? Is he behaving this way every day or on certain days? How is his general mood? Does he have friends? Are his grades slipping? Try to get full picture of his life at school and not only of the moments when he behaves badly. It is very important that you work as a team with the school.
Have a chat with him, not about his behaviour specifically, but about his life: How is he doing generally? Does he have friends? Does he feel well integrated at school? Is he happy at home? Does he have any worries?
Change the dynamic: It may be that you have fallen into a very negative cycle. He is behaving badly, nothing you tell him works, you are angry, he is angry, and you are not spending time together or enjoying being together. You need to change the dynamic: give him the chance to start over every single day. Every day is a new day for him to do well. And remember to praise him. Very often, we ignore when our children behave well, and we only focus on their bad behaviours. Whenever he does well, praise him.
Now let’s tackle his behaviours. From what you say there are a few things he needs to change: yelling, swearing, and not following the rules. So, instead of saying “you need to behave well”, let’s break it down to make it more manageable for him: 1) you cannot yell 2) you cannot swear, and 3) you must follow the rules. And then you tie each behaviour to a reward. I don’t know what your child likes but it could be something like: “You will have screen time every day you do not shout at school”; or “Every day that you don’t swear, we will make pancakes for breakfast” and so on. Then ask the teacher to send you a short report on those three behaviours every day.
You may find these articles useful:
I Need Psychologist- Approved Ways to Discipline a Child Without Physical Harm
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
I wish you both all the best of luck. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
Love,
Ana
“Is it a sign of toilet training issues for my (girl) toddler suddenly refusing to sit on potty? She’s had multiple daily accidents for the last 3 weeks because of it but had no issues before”
I would have liked to know your daughter’s age because it is tricky to answer your question without knowing.
I would first take her to the GP to check she does not have constipation, a bladder infection, or diabetes. Alternatively, consider if something has happened to her recently that may have created an emotional reaction to the potty? Has the refusal to sit on the potty happened as she has started nursery/school? Have you recently moved homes, gone through a divorce, or had a new baby?
It is also useful to remember that learning to use the potty is a skill and like with any other skill, learning is not linear, it usually has setbacks. It is not usual for children to experience potty training regressions. So, try to be patient and understanding. Give her gentle reminders about using the potty regularly. When she uses it, praise her and clearly show how pleased you are. Children like their parents to be pleased with them, so they are likely to repeat behaviours their parents like. Do not make a big fuss when she has accidents. Gently tell her that next time she must remember to use the potty. And you should remember that she is not doing it on purpose.
You will find these articles useful:
My 6-Year-Old Is Having a Lot of Accidents
What to Do with Potty Training Regression?
How Many Potty Training Accidents Are Normal?
I hope this helps! I wish you and your daughter all the very best.
Love,
Ana
This is the question researchers have been trying to understand for the last few decades. And it is not a simple one to answer. Is it genes or the environment? How much do genes influence us? What traits are influenced by genetics? How much does the environment influence us? In what ways? To what extent?
Born or Made?
The field of psychology appeared as a science in the early 20th century, with the view that we are what we learn. Ever since then, psychologists and the public assumed that the environment was the major influence shaping us. This is, that our parents, neighbourhood, extended family, school, and friends shape who we become. Of all these factors, parents were considered the most influential one. It seems pretty logic that the people who raise us, will have the largest input in shaping us, right? But if this premise was correct, siblings living in the same house, with the same parents, attending the same school, and sharing the same extended family should be very similar in their personality and outcomes. But if you have siblings or a couple of children, you will know that siblings are not alike. They do have similarities, but they are also very different in personality and in outcomes. This means that the assumption that our environment is the main influence in human development does not work.
So, if not the environment, what then? Genes. Psychologists turned to examine how genetics shape who we are. Researchers designed twin and adoption studies to tease apart the effect of nurture (environment) and nature (genes). Let me tell you how these two methods work because they are fascinating.
Twin and Adoption Studies
Twin studies work by comparing identical (or monozygotic) twins with fraternal (or dizygotic) twins across several variables: personality, intelligence, academic achievement, cognitive skills, social skills…. Why are twins interesting? Because identical twins share 100% of their genes whereas fraternal twins only share 50% of their genes. The premise of twin studies is that any difference between identical and fraternal twins must be down to genetics because twins have lived in (more or less) the same environment. What do twin studies find? They generally find that identical twins are more like each other than fraternal twins are. This suggests that genes matter more than the environment.
Interestingly, this happens even in cases where identical twins have been raised apart. As you can imagine finding twins that have been raised apart is not that common, but around a couple hundred pairs have been examined. What do these studies find? That twins that have never lived together are more similar to each other than they are to the siblings they have lived with, whether they are biologically related to them or not. This suggests that genes and not the environment that drive the similarities.
Adoption studies work by comparing whether adopted children are more similar across the same variables: personality, intelligence, academic achievement, cognitive skills, social skills…to their adoptive parents (with whom they share the environment) than to their biological parents (with whom they have never shared the environment but share 50% of their genes). What do adoption studies find? They suggest that adopted children tend to be more like their biological parents than to their adoptive parents. This shows that the environment is not as relevant as we think it is.
Should We Conclude that It Is All About the Genes?
No. Both genes and the environment shape us to become who we are. The latest psychological research suggests that all psychological traits are heritable to different degrees. For example, it is estimated that intelligence is around a 50% heritable, autism 70%, and reading disability 60%.
It is very important to understand how genes work. Genes are not set in stone. They do not provide the final word. Instead, they work in probabilistic ways. We may carry certain genes, but it does not mean that they will all express themselves. It takes a certain environment for them to be expressed. This is why although identical twins have the exact same genes, they are not completely identical in their personalities or outcomes. And they are not identical because their genes are expressed in different ways depending on their experiences, environments… Genetics are not everything, but they explain a great deal of why and how we differ.
Our environment is not something that just happens to be there. To a large degree, we build our environment based on our genetic predispositions. For example, if you have a very sporty or musical kid, he will pester you to take him to sports or musical activities. Or if you have a very introverted child, he may ask you not to attend birthday parties. We shape our environment largely based on our genetic predispositions.
Does This Mean that Parents Do Not Matter?
No. Parents matter and they matter a lot, but not in the way we usually think. Parents matter because we create the environment where our children develop. And they matter because parenting should be about creating a strong, loving relationship with our child. After all, the parent-child relationship is one of the most important we will ever have.
The reality is that as parents, we have much less control that we like to think we do. As Dr Russel Barkley says in his great talk, we can relax and enjoy our kids. We cannot shape our kids to be what we want them to be. No matter how hard we try. We are not carpenters that can shape our children to become whatever we want them to become. Instead, we can be gardeners and provide them with fertile soil for them to grow and develop into whatever they will become.
Children will reach their full genetic potential provided they are well nourished, loved and well taken care off. Children need stimulation, but the idea that the more we stimulate them, the more intelligent and able they will become is wrong. There is a threshold. So, we can stop signing babies up to early stimulation programs and playing them opera while we are pregnant, hoping they will become geniuses. Those sorts of things do not work. Stimulate your child, of course, but knowing what he can and cannot do at each developmental stage and knowing that you will not make him become Steve Jobs 2.0. As parents, we do not have the power to do it.
There is a lot of talk about parenting styles. There is some merit to it, and it is fantastic that we are conscious about the type of parent we want to be, and moreover, the type of relationship we want to have with our children but we must keep in mind that most of the time, we are just responding to our children. This is, children are born with a temperament which is mostly down to genetics. Some children are very difficult (fussy, irritable, cry a lot) while others are easy (smiley, tranquil, sleep well, feed well). It is obviously much easier to be the parent of an easy child than of difficult child. The way we parent those two children will be different, and not because we are consciously choosing to do so but because we are reacting to their genetics.
Should We Ditch Parenting Advice?
I do not think so. We should most definitely ditch any ‘experts’ promising that if you do this or that, your child’s IQ will increase 20 points, will become a mathematical genius, or a sports prodigy. Any expert that promises to deliver developmental outcomes, you can happily ignore. But parenting advice is useful to help us manage tricky issues like challenging behaviours, discipline, or sleep.
Final words…
A large part about who we become is down to genetics. This does not mean that there is nothing we can do to support our children. Genetics and the environment interact with one another, so the best thing we can do for our children is to create a safe, loving environment with clear boundaries. And always remember that parenting is not a means to an end. It is about having a good relationship with our child. Our goal should be to be with them and not to change them. Isn’t that a liberating message?
If you find this topic interesting, you may also enjoy these articles:
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
References
Plomin, R. (2018). Blueprint. How DNA Makes Us Who We Are. United Kingdom: Allen Lane.
Segal, N. (2021). Deliberately Divided. Inside the Controversial Study of Twins and Triplets Adopted Apart. Un
“Help please with separation anxiety. Baby only wants mom but she works all day, I’m a disabled stay-at-home dad, and I feel like my baby hates me and wants nothing to do with me.”
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can assure you that your baby does not hate you.
Your baby is showing parental preference. You need to bear in mind that parental preference is fluid. If you are not the preferred parent at this moment, it does not mean it will stay like this. This is a phase that will pass. It is not a sign of how much he loves you.
Parental preference is not something we completely understand from a developmental perspective.
Whenever your child cries for mum, just say something like: “I know you want mum but right now she cannot play with you. I am here to play with you when you are ready”. By doing this, you are holding a boundary, which is crucial for children’s development.
No matter how much your child prefers the other parent, stay involved and do not back off. You may feel like disappearing but doing that may undermine your relationship. Try to notice if resentment is growing so it does not damage your relationship with your baby. Do not make the mistake of becoming more permissive or to give in to all your child’s wishes to make him like you more.
It is important that your partner does not swoop in and take over from you, because by doing that she will be validating your baby’s insistence.
At the same time your baby seems to have developed separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is children’s fear of being away from their caregivers. It starts when your child understands that he is a separate person from their parent, but he still does not understand that the parent still exists even when he cannot see them (this is called object permanence). You child gets anxious because he does not understand that your wife will come back. As a result, your child may cry, scream or cling to her when being separated from her. Separation anxiety is a normal part of children’s development. Separation anxiety usually starts around 6-7 months and reaches its peak at 14-18 months. Separation anxiety tends to decline when children reach preschool or school age. Some children may experience separation anxiety a bit longer than others, because every child develops at a different pace. If your child still experiences separation anxiety after the age of 3 or during the preschool years, it is worth discussing it with his doctor. Especially, if it interferes with his ability to go or stay at school. Also talk to his doctor if you think that his anxiety is too extreme.
I hope this information is helpful. Remember that it is very imporant to take care of yourself. Being a stay-at-home dad can be very isolating. If you want to discuss any other issues, do get in touch with me.
These articles may be useful:
How to Handle Separation Anxiety in a 2 Year-Old?
When Does the Clingy Stage End?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
I wish you all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“My 17-year-old has been drinking alcohol more and more and I’m worried it’s becoming a dependancy. At what stage should I look into addiction intervention for teenagers? She doesn’t live with me and lives with her friends after they dropped out of school, and they enable this behaviour.”
It is often the case that as parents of teenagers, we feel helpless when we see they are taking a wrong path. You mention that your daughter does not live with you, so I am not sure how your relationship is.
If you get on well, chat with her to find out her views about alcohol. It is not about lecturing her but about asking her opinions about alcohol, learn how much and when she drinks, and her friends’ attitude towards alcohol. If you two are not close, perhaps there is another trusted adult in her life that can check on her and gently raise the issue.
It may also be a good idea for you to talk to her teachers to check if they are noticing any change in her behaviour or her grades. The school counsellor could also be a good person to talk to.
Try to stay in your daughter’s life. Remember that teenagers who have a warm and open relationship with their caregivers are less likely to engage in risky behaviours, such as drinking alcohol. At the same time, our children learn more from what we do than from what we say, so be a good role model for her regarding this issue.
The context we live in also influences our behaviour, so if your daughter’s flatmates are drinking heavily, it is more likely that she will drink. Changing her living arrangements could also be a good idea.
Addressing alcohol-related issues is complex because there are many different factors that underpin it. We have a wonderful therapist specialized in alcohol addiction that I could put you in touch with if you are interested.
You may find these articles useful:
How Can I Recognize Alcohol Misuse in Teenagers?
How Can I Support my Daughter through Challenging Teen Years?
Executive Functions: Discover Everything You Need to Know
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“My 11-month-old is very fussy and clingy, is this normal?”
Babies are born with their own temperament. Some are very easy, others are very fussy, and others are somewhere in between. Provided your baby is not in pain, hungry or has a wet nappy, it can be absolutely normal for an 11-month-old to be very fussy. However, if you are worried, talk to your doctor to discard any underlying health conditions.
In terms of him being clingy, this is also normal. It is not bad for children to be clingy (although I very well know that it is utterly exhausting). It is fact, a good sign that your child is clingy because that means that he has established a strong bond with you, which is fantastic for his development.
When will this stage finish? When he is ready to let go. There is nothing wrong with him being clingy. Some children need time alone while others want to be close to their mum or dad all the time. The key to remember is that all children go through development at a different pace. I can assure you that at some point he will let go of you and because you two have established a strong bond, he will feel secure to go out and explore the world, knowing that you will be there for him when he needs you.
I know that having a fussy and clingy baby is exhausting and can be incredibly frustrating. Let me know if you want to have a 1-2-1 session to discuss strategies that may help you going through this stage.
You may find these articles helpful:
When Does the Baby Clingy State End?
Can You Discipline a 1-Year-Old?
I wish you and your baby all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Why is my 4 year old so mean? He used to be so sweet, but my friend’s 4 year old acting out as well seemed to bring this on, because after a playdate it’s like he just decided to be mean as hell.”
You need to change the way you are thinking about your son. He is not mean, instead he is acting in a mean way. He is having trouble regulating his emotions, which is something very common for children at that age. At this age, children don’t have the ability to decide to be mean. He is not acting mean on purpose.
I encourage you to take a coach approach: Our goal as parents is to help our children to learn from their mistakes so they can do better next time. For example, if when your child hits someone, you only say “You can’t hit, that is wrong!”, you are not teaching him how he should behave. Maybe hitting is the only tool he has. Instead, give him a more effective tool. “Hitting is wrong because you hurt the other person. I see that you are angry, what could you do next time you are in the same situation? Perhaps you could tell your friend that he made you angry?”.
Praise him: as parents very often, we ignore good behaviour, and we only focus on negative behaviour. Children love for their parents to be happy with them, so the more you let them know that you like what they are doing, the more likely they are to repeat it. When you praise them, be specific. Rather than saying: “You are such a good boy”, say “Look how well you are sharing with your sister, well done!”. This way they know exactly what they are doing right and are more likely to repeat it.
And finally, and very important: model good behaviour. It seems that your son may be copying what his friend is doing. Instead, you need to be a good model and always behave in a kind and gentle manner. Children always learn more from what we do than from what we say.
Also, consider that it could also be that your child is really tired after his playdates and that could be affecting his behaviour.
I hope this information helps. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
You may find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Tips to Deal with a Defiant Child?
Why Is my 3-Year-Old So Aggressive?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How can I help my 16 year old son with anxiety?”
It is important that you understand your son’s anxiety. It is absolutely normal for him to feel anxious when he faces challenging situations, like an exam or meeting new people. In those cases, anxiety is an adaptive emotion because it fits the situation he is facing. Anxiety becomes a problem (and ultimately a disorder) if he feels anxious for six months or more or if his anxiety is so intense that it disrupts his daily functioning. If this is the case, it may be a good idea for him to see a psychologist specialized in anxiety in teenagers.
Talk with him about his anxiety: Ask him how it feels like in his mind and his body and discuss what makes feel him anxious (an exam, speaking in public, meeting new people…). Next, help him to recognize when he is anxious (e.g., his hands feel clammy, his heart races, his breathing becomes shallow…). The next step is to come up together with relaxing techniques that he can use whenever he recognizes those anxiety signs. These techniques can be: breathing deeply 10 times, counting to 10, visualizing a place or a person that makes him happy, or splash very cold water on his face or wrists. The idea is that whenever he feels the anxiety coming, he will use one of these tools. He should use the one that works best for him. As you can tell, the goal is not to eliminate anxiety but to help him manage it.
Very often when teenagers get anxious, they avoid the situations that make them anxious. So, for example, they avoid going to a birthday party or sitting an exam. At the beginning, this is a great short-term solution, but long-term avoidance makes anxiety worse because never confronting the situation makes it even more scary. If this is the case of your son, help him to take baby-steps to confront the situation he feels anxious about. The message you should give him is that every time he confronts the situation that makes him anxious, the anxiety will get milder and milder.
Finally, it is important that you validate your son’s anxiety, and you make him feel safe and heard but do not amplify it. Your message should be: “I know you are anxious and that is OK and I am here to help you get through this”.
Have a look at these articles as well:
What Are Your Thoughts on Medication for Teens?
How to Help a Child with Anxiety
How to Face the Exam Season: When Anxiety Runs High
I hope this information helps. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
I wish you and your son all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Please can you tell me, is ADHD a behavioural disorder, in actuality? I want to know if my daughter is using it as an excuse for her son’s bad behaviour when they come round to ours.”
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder. Children who experience it have difficulties paying attention, and/or controlling their impulses and regulating their behaviour. It is a real disorder, not an excuse for bad behaviour. Children with ADHD want to behave well but they can’t. They do it the best they can.
I encourage you to support your daughter. Being the parent of a children with ADHD can be very demanding, especially if your grandson is presenting challenging behaviour often. It is not surprising that parents of neurodivergent children are more likely to experience mental health issues and to leave their jobs. After all, these parents have all the worries that all parents have, but at the same time they have to navigate diagnosis, treatments, medication, and doctor visits, while feeling judged and very often blamed for their children’s behaviour.
You can make a big difference in your daughter’s life by supporting her and her son. Do not blame her for your grandson’s behaviour because parents do not cause their children’s ADHD. ADHD is real. It is not an excuse for bad behaviour.
I hope this information helps. If you want to discuss this issue further in a 1-2-1 session, please get in touch with me.
Here are some articles you may find useful:
How to Support a 12-Year-Old with Autism and ADHD
Executive Functions: Everything You Need to Know
I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How do I encourage healthy brain development in the first year?”
Here are a few tips:
- Be responsive to your baby: when he makes sounds, repeat them to him while looking at him and add a few new words.
- Talk, sing, and read to him
- Let him play: Play is children’s job. Through play children develop their cognitive and emotional skills. And do not be afraid to let him play alone. Unstructured play is really good for children.
- Take him outdoors: more and more we know that spending time in nature is good for children’s development and for us, as well!
- Feed him a healthy diet: once he starts eating solids, encourage him to try new tastes. Give him a varied diet and avoid processed foods.
- Sleep is key for a healthy development. The guidelines state that infants 4-12 months of age, should get between 12-16 hours of sleep per 24 hours (including naps). However, some kids sleep more than others, if your baby seems happy and relaxed during the day, he is probably getting enough sleep.
- Touch him: physical touch (hugs, kisses, cuddles) is a must for our children.
- Keep him active. Do not keep him in swings, strollers, bouncer seats, or slings for too long. Babies need to practice their motor skills and they cannot do it when their movements are restricted.
- Screens: this is always a big worry for parents. The American Academy of Paediatrics (AAP) advises that children should not have any screen time before the age of 2, other than video chatting with family and friends. It is also important to remember that children always learn better and more from a human being than from a screen.
- Last but not least: take care of yourself. Your child needs you to be ok for him to be ok. It is really important that you don’t burn yourself out and remember that the perfect parent does not exist. You don’t need to be perfect.
Having said this, don’t go ‘crazy’ thinking that you need to do too many things to boost your child’s brain. Children will reach their full potential, provided they are well taken care of. The idea that the more you stimulate your child, the better is not correct. Children need enough stimulation for their brain to develop, but there is a threshold. It is wrong to think that if a little bit of stimulation is good, a ton of it must be better. I am saying this to remind you to relax and enjoy your baby!
You may find these articles useful:
Understanding Brain Development in Children
Can You Discipline a 1-Year-Old?
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
Also, these masterclasses may come in handy:
Educational Apps for Children: Are They Really Educational?
Sleep Hygiene Tips for Children and Teenagers
I hope this helps. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“For the love of god when does the baby clingy stage end? I haven’t had a moment to myself in months and I am desperate.“
There is not an ‘official clingy stage’. It is not bad for children to be clingy (although I very well know that it is utterly exhausting). It is fact, a good sign that your child is clingy because that means that he has established a strong bond with you, which is fantastic for his development.
When will this stage finish? When he is ready to let go. There is nothing wrong with him being clingy. Some children need time alone while others want to be close to their mum or dad all the time. The key to remember is that all children go through development at a different pace. I can assure that at some point he will let go of you and because you two have established a strong bond, he will feel secure to go out and explore the world, knowing that you will be there for him when he needs you. And that is beautiful. Exhausting for you? Absolutely and I feel for you.
I don’t know your situation so it is difficult to give you more specific advice but try as much as you can to get help from your family and friends. Maybe the baby won’t go with them but they can give you a hand around the house, so you have less on your plate. Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed try not to be alone with the baby a lot. Go for walks with a friend, join a local mum and baby group, or simply sit with the baby at a café. I know that this is tough for you and I feel for you.
I hope this information helps and do let me know if you want to discuss it further.
These articles may come in handy as well:
Do You Have Advice for Stress Relief for Parents?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Parenthood?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“How long should my 7 year old get screen time”
The American Psychological Association (APA) calls for children under 2 to have no screen time, except for video chatting. For children 2 to 5 the APA recommends one hour a day of high-quality content. From the age of 6 onwards, the recommendation is just to “establish consistent limits on the time spent using media and the types of media”. So, as you see there are no clear, official guidelines to answer your question.
How much screen time you give your 7-year-old is up to you and your values. I would say that ideally, you want your child to get a balance. He should have time to spend with friends and family, do sports and schoolwork, get enough sleep, and have some screen time. If he stops doing any of these things because he is having too much screen time, you need to guide to find the balance again. Screens should not get on the way of children sleeping, playing, doing exercise or seeing people in real life.
Also, consider what he does with his screen time. It is not the same if he is chatting with friends than if he is playing a very violent video game on his own. What he does while on the screen matters as much, or even more, than how much screen time he has.
Set up clear rules around screen time:
- When is he allowed to have screen time?
- For how long?
- What games can he play?
- Who can he play with?
- What are the consequences if he breaks the rules?
You may also find these articles useful:
Will Letting my Son Play Roblox Ruin Our Relationship?
Children, Mental Health, and Screens
Could You Recommend Effective Consequences for 8-Year-Olds?
I hope this helps. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Do you have any advice or activities for stress relief for parents? My partner and I are feeling really drained under all this parental stress lately—bills, baby feedings, no sleep, our parents trying to butt in, overwhelming jobs, etc. ”
I totally get what you are going through. I encourage you to think of being a working parent as a challenge and like with any challenge, the more you break it down, the less daunting it becomes. You and your partner need to make a plan of how you want your life as working parents to look like and find the resources you need to make it a success. The important thing is that you both feel that you are in control of your life and that life is not taking you.
Here are some tips that you will find helpful:
- What is your vision of working parenthood? Your vision might be: “To make partner in five years while being able to put the kids to bed every night”; “I don’t care much about my career, I just want to provide for my family while not missing a single school event”; “I would love to be a stay at home parent” or something entirely different. However you want your life as a working parent to look like, is entirely valid. Just consider it carefully and make a plan to make it work.
- To achieve your vision (whatever it is), you need to set boundaries. Boundaries are always important but more so when we become parents because our mental load drastically increases. Mental load is that all that invisible work that we all do: organizing a playdate for your child, booking a doctor’s appointment, buying the Christmas present for the teacher, remembering to get balloons for your daughter’s birthday, or planning the week’s dinners. On their own, they seem like small tasks, but they all add up. You need to set up boundaries at home and at work. How do boundaries at work look like? You may start to delegate a bit more, block off any meetings for a couple of hours a day to focus on deep work, or ask to work from home a couple of days a week. What about home? Put on the phone on silence during bath time, ask your parents not to visit during supper time because it is your time to be with the kids, or say no to a birthday party because you want to have a quiet Sunday at home.
- Think long -term to stay in the game: many parents I work with, decide to leave their jobs, during crises. The toddler has the flu, they haven’t slept in three days, and they have a really important presentation. The situation feels impossible, and they decide to quit. The decision is human, but we need to remind ourselves that we need to push through the rough patches, to get long-term payoffs. The baby will only have the flu for a week, and you have always loved your job and want to progress in your career. Yes, you are working weekends for a few months, but you are creating financial stability for your family. This “short-term/long-term” thinking allows you to stay in the game and maintain your motivation. Always remind yourself: This hard part will be over soon, and my long-term payoff is coming.
- Create a strong co-parenting team: Parents who co-parent effectively are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children. However, it is not easy. Research tells us that 2/3 of couple report a decline in their relationship satisfaction after having a baby however many of us think that you are the only one. It’s important to normalise the massive impact that having a child has on any couple. Having a kid is not a death sentence for the couple but it requires work. Couples who feel most connection and satisfaction in their relationship since becoming parents have something in common: they have created a sense of ‘we-ness’, sharing in the sights and lows of parenting. They know that their relationship needs love and attention. To achieve this, it is important that you have communicate with one another effectively.. Whether this is coming together to make a game plan to tackle baby’s new sleep schedule, or taking time and space to really hear about what an experience has been like for your partner. Make sure that you talk and listen. Also, make sure that you both feel that the labour is fairly distributed, otherwise your relationship may struggle. When couples feel that they are sharing the load fairly, the family does better. I explain here how to discuss and organize a fair share of the load.
- Find your tribe: parenting was never meant to be done in isolation. When it says that it takes a village, it’s because it does! Don’t do it alone. If you feel lonely, do not think you are alone in this. 1/3 of parents say that they feel lonely always or often. This is negative for parents and it is also negative for their children. Making time to see friends is not a luxury but a need.
- Understand what really matters for your child: We are afraid of making mistake because we think that with every decision we make, we can ruin our children’s lives. This is not the case: small decisions such as whether to co-sleep or not, breastfeed or not, send them to a co-ed or a single-sex school, those small decisions do not matter much. What matters? the relationship that you have with your child. A strong, trusting, loving relationship is the stronger predictor of your child’s mental health and wellbeing. If you find yourself agonizing about every single aspect of your child’s development: let go.
- Let go of the idea of perfection: the Let’s change the idea of being a perfect parent for the idea of being a good enough parent. The idea of the good enough parent was formulated by a psychologist called Donald Winnicott. It doesn’t mean neglecting a child it means knowing that as parents we will get it wrong sometimes and this is also a natural part of being a parent. Not only do we need to abandon the idea of the perfect parent but we need the idea of perfection full stop. Where does your idea of ‘perfection’ come from? In general, perfectionism is the enemy of success because it has no finish line, you never feel good enough. The idea that we can achieve a 10 across everything we do is simply unrealistic.
These articles may also be helpful:
7 Myths About Parental Burnout?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
How to Deal with In-Laws: The Good, Bad, and Ugly
I hope this helps. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Can you please give tips on how to deal with a defiant child? I’m at the end of my dang rope.”
I do not know how old your child is or in what ways he is defiant but here is some information that hopefully you will find helpful.
If your child is a toddler, it is normal (and even good) for your toddler to be saying ‘no’ to everything. Your child is saying ‘no’ to everything because he is becoming his own person, with his own opinions and thoughts. He is learning that he is not an extension of you. Your toddler has found out that he has a will, and he is using it.
These are some tips that may help you:
Here are some tips you may find useful:
- Offer him some choices: in the same way that they say ‘no’ to us, we also say ‘no’ to our toddlers all the time. So, when possible and within reason: let them choose (e.g., “Do you want a banana or an apple?”; “Do you want the red or the blue pyjamas?”). This strategy can save you a few ‘nos’.
- I know it is difficult, but try not to give him a big reaction when he says ‘no’.
- Let him help you: toddlers usually love to help their parents. Let him help at the supermarket, cleaning or cooking (and yes, you will need patience to do this as well).
- Try to distract him and to make him laugh when he says ‘no’. This usually works really well and saves you from having another power struggle.
- Keep a consistent routine and structure. Knowing what is coming next and ‘where they stand’ usually helps kids.
- Remember that this phase will finish. It won’t last forever!
Sometimes, this phase is saying ‘no’ gets more complicated and children develop Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), a type of disruptive behaviour disorder that involves difficulties managing emotions and behaviours. Symptoms begin before the age of 8 and almost always before the early teen years.
Because all children are challenging at time, it is sometimes difficult to recognize the difference between a strong-willed child and one with ODD. Children with ODD are very often angry, irritable, and defiant towards parents and other authority figures. They often show a behaviour called vindictiveness, which includes being spiteful and seeking revengeful. For some children, symptoms may happen only at home but with time, they may also appear in other settings, such as school or with friends. Children with ODD tend to have problems with relationships, school, and peers.
If you are worried your child may have ODD, seek help from a child psychologist or child psychiatrist with expertise in this area. Treatment usually involves: Parent management training (PMT), talk therapy, and school-based interventions.
I hope you find this information useful. If you want to have a session with me to discuss it further, do get in touch with me.
In these articles you will find more information that may be useful:
I Think I have a Defiant 3-Year-Old
Why my Toddler Says No to Everything?
What Is Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder?
I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Which parenting style rewards children for following the rules?“
Authoritative parenting is the parenting style that is more likely to reward children for following the rules. Authoritative parenting is considered the gold standard of parenting. Authoritative parents are warm, caring, and establish clear limits for their children. Children understand those limits and rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings but ultimately, they are the ones who make the decisions.
There are hundreds of studies showing that children whose parents are authoritative, tend to do better in life. These children tend to be well adjusted, get on well with their peers and friends, do well in school and have high self-esteem. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines
The issue of rewarding children for good behaviour is somewhat controversial. Some people say that rewarding them is not a good idea because it promotes extrinsic and not intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is doing an activity because of the satisfaction it brings you, rather than for an external reward. For example, reading a book because you are interested in its story, or learning to ride a bike because of the sense of achievement.
In contrast, extrinsic motivation is pursuing an activity for an external reward, such as a material item or someone’s praise. For example, sharing with friends in exchange for more screen time or sweets. Ideally, we want our children to be intrinsically motivated.
A good way to reward children for good behaviour is using praise. As parents very often, we ignore good behaviour and we only focus on negative behavior. Children love their parents to be happy with them, so the more you let them know that you like what they are doing, the more likely they are to repeat it. When you praise them, be specific. Rather than saying: “You are such a good boy”, say “Look how well you are sharing with your sister, well done!”. This way they know exactly what they are doing right and are more likely to repeat it.
So, praise your child when they do things right. Try to be an authoritative parent as often as you can.
Here are some other articles that you may find useful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Reward System for Children: How Do They Work?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your family all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“When do child tantrums stop? My 3 year old meltdowns over everything, and I’m nearly ripping my hair out about it, it’s literally so, so frequent every day”
Tantrums usually peak between ages 1 and 4, especially around age 2-3. Most children have fewer and milder tantrums by around age 4 or 5, as their emotional regulation, language, and impulse control improve. However, some children still have occasional tantrums up to age 6 or 7, especially when they are overwhelmed, hungry, or tired.
Some children have a lot of tantrums while others barely have any. This depends a lot on their temperament and to some extent on how you handle the tantrums.
Here are some tips that may help you:
- Do not give in: if every time your child throws a tantrum, you give what he wants, he will repeat the behaviour. Stay calm and wait for the tantrum to end.
- Keep a consistent routine: children feel more in control when they know their limits and what is coming next.
- Be proactive: try to avoid getting in situations where he may throw a tantrum. For example, don’t take him to run errands just before his nap time or when he is hungry. Or distract him, whenever you see that he is getting cranky.
- Don’t take it personally: your child throws tantrums because it is the only way he knows how to manage his emotions and to express himself. He is not doing it to annoy you. I know it is difficult to keep calm, especially if he is throwing them so often, but keep in mind that he will stop throwing tantrums. This phase will not last forever.
Here are a few articles that may help you:
How to Discipline a 3 Year-Old
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: a Guide for Parents
Love,
Ana
“Do you have any tips on parenting with depression? My son’s 6 now, so it’s not PPD, and I haven’t had mental health issues before. But I’m struggling with the term “depressed mom” being thrown around and would like to know how be a good mom when depressed.”
I am sorry to hear you are going through a depression. I would strongly urge you to get treatment. There are a lot of interventions that work for mothers with depression. They usually include therapy and medication. Joining a support group may also help you. Getting treatment will help you and it will also help your son. At REC Parenting we have qualified therapists specialized in treating parents with depression, get in touch with me if you want to explore this option.
Here are other things that may help you during this time:
- Keep a daily routine: having a routine (e.g., having the same breakfast every day, going to bed at the same time every day…) gives structure and reduces decision fatigue.
- Lower the bar: your home does not need to be perfect. You are not failing if your house is not picture perfect.
- Stay social: you may not feel like seeing friends or family but it is important for you and for your son to keep seeing people. Remember that we are inherently social animals and interacting with others is a source of happiness.
- Get outside: there is a lot of research showing how nature is good for our mental health. Try to spend time outdoors every single day. Sit in sunlight or open a window for fresh air.
- Exercise everyday: you do not have to do high intensity training if you do not feel like it but simply going for a walk, will help you.
- Eat a healthy diet.
- Help others: there is plenty of research showing that helping others, make us feel better.
- Get help from others: If you have a friends or family around you, it is a good idea to tell them about what you are going through and ask them to help with your son on days that you are feeling particularly low.
- Have a chat with your son about what you are going through, so he understands it. Children sense when something is off. An explanation will help him to feel safe and in control. You could share that you are not feeling well, and that you have a condition that makes you feel tired and sad. Tell him that this is not his fault and that it is just how your brain is working right now.
Here a few articles that you may find useful:
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
You are already doing more than you realize. Being here, asking for help even when you are struggling, shows real strength and love for your child. Remember that we are here to help with our qualified therapists, just get in touch with me and we will find you support straight away.
Love,
Ana
“When it comes to types of discipline, what kind of discipline do you recommend? Don’t want to use physical punishments but I’m also wary of telling my kid off, in case it’s psychologically damaging”
It is completely normal to feel unsure about how to discipline your child, especially if you are trying to find a way that feels loving but still firm. The best approach is called inductive discipline.
Inductive discipline focuses on helping your child understand why a behaviour is wrong. This approach encourages thoughtful conversations, instead of punishing or saying “Because I say so”. So, every time your child misbehaves, you tell him why what he did is wrong and how he should behave next time. If you do this every time he misbehaves, over time your child will develop a strong inner moral compass. He will behave well not because he fears the consequences, but because he truly understands why what he did was wrong. Telling him off in a constructive way will not damage your child, on the contrary, your child needs you to set clear limits and boundaries. Our children need us to be their guides, they need us to say ‘no’, they need us to set limits. Setting limits for our children is a way of loving them. Telling them off in a constructive way is a way of setting limits and is a way of loving them.
You are absolutely right not wanting to use physical punishment. Physical punishment is never good for children. It does not teach them anything and it is negative for their mental health and their development.
I am leaving you here some articles that you will find useful and let me know if you want one-to-one support to discuss this further.
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-By-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at Their Kids?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“What do you think about positive consequences for children as a tactic? I know discipline is important, but I’m also praising my daughter (she’s two) when she does something good unprompted. Is that okay? I kind of feel like I’m using my experience in dog training on my kid and I don’t want to mess up lol”
Praise is an excellent way to teach our children what is right and what is wrong. Very often, as parents, we focus on the things they do wrong (e.g., “Don’t touch that!”; “Stop doing that!”) but we ignore them when they behave well. Praising them is a great method to teach them right and wrong. It is better to use praise in a very specific way, so they know what behaviours they should repeat. So, instead of saying “You are a such a good girl”, tell her “Well done for tidying up so nicely”.
When we praise our children, we are disciplining them. Very often, we think that discipline is about punishment, but it is much more than that. The aim of discipline is to teach our children what is wrong and what is right. So, praise is an element of discipline.
So, keep praising your daughter when she behaves well. It is definitely a good idea!
You can also find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-By-Age Guide
How to Discipline a 3 Year-Old?
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at Their Kids?
I wish you both all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I need some psychologist-approved ways to discipline a child without physical harm. I’ve been having the same argument with my father over my son’s discipline for years, because he doesn’t know how to discipline a child without yelling or hitting and sometimes punishes my son like that. He doesn’t believe me when I cite internet articles, even from good sources, and says to get a doctor’s opinion and maybe he’ll consider it. So, do you have any suggestions please? Thank you!”
Let’s see if we can convince your father!
There are very few things that we can say that are always bad for children: physical punishment is one. There are hundreds of studies examining the effects of physical punishment on children, not one of them says that it is good for them. Most studies find that physical punishment is bad, a few have found that it is not bad, but none have found that it is good. So, why use physical punishment, if we know that it is at best ineffective and at worst, bad? Physical punishment is linked with children being more aggressive, having more mental health problems, and behaving worse. And when we talk about physical punishment, we include smacking. Yes, smacking is bad for children. And the more we smack our children, the worse the consequences for them.
Yelling is not ideal either, but research on this topic is more nuanced. There is no evidence showing that the occasional yelling that happens in most families (e.g., “Put your shoes on now!!”) harms children. With this, I am not saying that it is great to yell at our kids, but that if we occasionally yell, we are not ruining our kids. However, if yelling is a constant in your family, it is a good idea to seek support, because it is probably creating stress for the whole family. It is also a good idea to seek support if rather than yelling, what is happening is verbal abuse (e.g., “You are worthless!”; “You can’t do anything right!”). Verbal abuse is always bad for children.
Many parents and grandparents use physical punishment because there do not know other ways to discipline their children. In this article we give you ideas to discipline your child using other techniques.
These articles may also help to convince your father:
Is Smacking your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
Authoritarian Parenting: What Is It About?
I hope this information will convince your father. Do let me know if there is anything else you need. I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Could you please recommend effective consequences for 8-year-olds who act out?“
Here are a few recommendations that you will find useful with your 8 year-old:
- Use connected consequences. The purpose of punishments is to change a behaviour. This is why it does not make much sense, that for example, when your child does not put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, you punish him without Play Station for a week. Instead set a connected consequence and tell him that if he fails to bring his clothes to the laundry basket, he will do the laundry for a week. This way you are using the punishment to change his behaviour.
- Use natural consequences. They are similar to connected consequences but they happen ‘on their own’. So, to continue with the same example, you tell your child that clothes that are not in the laundry basket will not be washed. The first time he has no clean clothes to wear, he will likely change his behaviour.
- Use praise. Sometimes as parents we focus on our children’s bad behaviour and ignore good behaviour. Praise your child’s behaviour when he is “good” (e.g., “Well done for tidying up so nicely”).
- Explain, explain, and explain. The aim of discipline is that children understand why their behaviour was wrong. So, always explain it and then set up appropriate consequences.
- Be consistent. It is really important that whatever rules you have, you always abide by them. For example, if the rule is that there are no screens until homework is done, that rule must be followed every day. Children need predictability and stability. They behave better when they know what to expect.
- Do not threaten him with punishments you cannot follow (e.g., “You are not watching TV for a year”). When we make these threats, your child knows perfectly well that you won’t carry them and so he won’t change his behaviour.
- Do not use physical punishment. There are only a few things that we can say that are always bad for children: physical punishment is one of them.
You may find these articles useful:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
I hope this information helps. If you want to have a one-to-one session to discuss this issue, do not hesitate to contact me. I wish you and your family all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“Why is my 3 year old so angry and aggressive? I did just get divorced from her mother, but I feel like this is very out of the ordinary for little girls.”
It is not uncommon for toddlers (or children of any age) to change their behaviour when they go through a big change in their life, such as their parents’ divorce. Your 3-year-old may be finding it difficult and because she lacks the ability to verbally express her feelings, she might be expressing them through her aggressiveness.
Whenever she behaves in an aggressive way, gently tell her: “No, you cannot hit/scream/bite”. Tell her every time she behaves that way and with time she will likely change her behaviour. It is really important to be consistent and always tell her this when she behaves in an aggressive manner. Ideally your ex-partner should use this same technique.
It is also likely that as your toddler gets better at speaking, she will no longer have the need to behave aggressively. Sometimes, toddlers behave aggressively because they get frustrated when they cannot convey their feelings and thoughts to us.
Finally, consider that children learn mostly by observing how their parents behave. So, it is important that you and your ex-partner do not behave in an aggressive or angry way. Try to be a good role model for her.
I hope this information is useful and wish you all the very best. If you need some support through the divorce, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
You may also find these articles useful:
Should We Divorce or Stay Together for the Kids?
How to Explain Divorce to a Child?
Fostering Emotional Competence in Children: A Guide for Parents
Tips on Toddler Aggression: When to Worry?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your family all the very best,
Love,
Ana
“What do you think about homeschooling kids? Is it safe/can they still learn well enough outside of normal school settings?”
Homeschooling is an increasingly popular option for families. In general, research shows that homeschooled children do as well (or even better) than school-educated children on measures of academic achievement, social, emotional, and psychological development. However, we cannot assume that children do well because they are homeschooled. The reason why homeschooled children do well might be that their families are very involved, that they have more resources, more time to be with them… There are a variety of reasons explaining why they do well, other than the fact that they are homeschooled.
If you are thinking about homeschooling your child, you should consider whether it is the right option for your child and for you. Typically, parents choose to homeschool their children when they are struggling in a traditional setting, when they want to give them a different education experience, or when traditional schooling does not fit their own lifestyle.
If you are considering homeschooling, take some time to learn what is involved. Consider issues such as:
- Does your child want to be homeschooled?
- Are you up for it? Homeschooling your child is a massive responsibility. You become not ony the parent, but a teacher, a headteacher, an administrator… You must prepare, plan, organie, and keep your child’s session plans, tests, and projects.
- Are you up to being with your child all day long everyday?
- Can your afford/are you OK not being able to work outside the home or cutting down your hours significantly?
- Are you willing to facilitate your child’s social life? Your child will need to socialize with other children and to achieve that you will need to get him involved in extracurricular activities, what takes some extra effort from your part.
In sum, homeschooling is not better or worse for children than attending school, it depends on your child and your family’s characteristics.
You may find these articles useful:
Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA): Everything You Need to Know
My Daughter Has No Interest in School
Why Is my Son Failing School and How Can I Help?
I hope this information helps. I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
