Everyone is talking about Netflix’s show ‘Adolescence’. If you haven’t watched it, I really recommend you do. I watched all four episodes in one go because I could not turn it off. It is a heartbreaking and very uncomfortable watch, but it is also beautifully filmed, and the acting is incredible. More importantly, it raises relevant questions about how much our children are being shaped by online content. A must watch for all parents.
Adolescence is not based on one single case but on different cases that have happened in the UK during the last few years. What is going on in our society? How have we come to this? Through history, parents thought that their children were safe when they were at home, when they were in their bedrooms. This is no longer the case. The internet broke this. As parents we must realize once and for all that as long as our children have a device, they are not safe. Not even when they are at home.
It is absolutely heartbreaking watching Jamie’s parents wondering what they did wrong. What else could they have done. What they failed to do. They failed to realize, as many of us, that our children are also being shaped by their online life. The algorithm is another factor shaping our children. We need to realize that we have to be on top of our children’s online life in the same way that we are on top of their ‘real’ life.
Now, I am not saying that all our children have the potential to become killers just because of the online content they are watching. Not at all. I am just saying that we need to be much more on top of what they are doing online because there are some really nasty people and very nasty content that our children are engaging with at a time when they are quite vulnerable, and they are establishing who they are. So, let’s not go into panic mode and let’s take this opportunity to discuss the lessons we can learn from this show.
Concepts that Appear in ‘Adolescence’ and that We Should Be Aware of
It appears clear in the show that Jamie, aged 13, has been radicalized online by the incel culture.
- Incel or involuntary celibate: The incel view is based on the idea that women are only attracted to men that are physically attractive. Those who define themselves as incels believe that they are not physically attractive and that they are going to be a virgin forever. The incel ideology considers that all men (including themselves) are superior to women. However, not all men are the same. They are divided into Chads (a minority of alpha males) who are at the top, Normies (a majority of average-looking betas) who are in the middle, and Incels (a minority) at the bottom. Incels bond online over being rejected by women. They develop a sense of being lonely and isolated, and become jealous of those around them who they perceive as being in happy sexual relationships. There are examples of incels who have committed crimes, like Alek Minassian, who killed 10 people in Toronto in 2018. Elliot Rodger killed six people in the US and documented his anger towards women who refused his advances.
- Pilling: this concept is borrowed from the 1999 film, The Matrix. People can take the blue pill and live in ignorance. Or they can take the red pill and learn of the social structure that we have just discussed. Incels have added a third pill, the black pill. With this one, incels accept that this social hierarchy cannot be changed, so there is nothing they can do to change their own status.
- Emojis: the teenagers in ‘Adolescence’ explain what the different emojis really mean for them. I think that this makes it clear that parents do not understand how our teenagers use technology to communicate with each other. Here is an explanation of what these emojis mean:
What Else Can We Learn from ‘Adolescence’?
- Set clear rules with your child about what they are allowed regarding their devices.
- Ideally children should not be allowed to have their devices in their bedrooms, especially at night.
- Stay involved in your children’s online life: which social media platforms are they using? Who are they following? Who do they interact with? What type of content are they engaging with?
- Discuss emotions with them, especially if they are boys. We still tend to talk more about emotions with our daughters than with our sons. Give a clear message that it is ok for boys and men to cry, to express their emotions, and to experience negative emotions.
- Discuss sex with them and how a healthy romantic relationship looks like.
- Model what a healthy romantic relationship looks like.
- Help them become critical thinkers.
Finally…
We have these resources that you may find useful:
- Masterclass: Understanding Teen Dating Violence
I hope you have found this information useful. My aim with this article is not to scare you but to raise awareness about the fact that we need to stay on top of our children’s online life. The question we need to ask ourselves as parents, is: Would we know if this was happening to our child? For many of us, the answer is no. We need to change this.
If you would like some 1-2-1 support to discuss this or any other issue, just email me.
Love,
X
Ana
“At what age should I turn off parental controls on my son and daughter devices?”
According to the American Psychological Association (APA) parents should monitor children’s social media until they are at least 15. However, think that no two 15-year-olds are the same. Some 15-year-olds are mature enough not to need parental controls, while others need them for a bit longer. It is up to you to make a judgement call based on your children. Whatever you do, turn off the parental controls gradually, so your children can adapt to their new online freedom slowly. And keep talking to your children about their online life. Ideally, you want them to tell you who they talk to, what apps they are using, and if they are having any problems or worries. Having their trust always work better than trying to control them. Use opportunities to discuss about their online life whenever you are together, and the topic comes up on the radio or the TV.
I hope this helps! You can find me here if you need 1-2-1 support.
Love,
Ana
It depends where you live. Right now, there are 63 countries where smacking children is illegal. Sweden was the first country to ban smacking in 1979. In the United Kingdom, it is only legal in England and Northern Ireland. In the US, it is legal across all states. Some states have banned corporal punishment but only in schools.
You can find more about this topic in this article: Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
Love,
Ana
“How do I discipline my child/teen without yelling at them? I am at my wit’s end and don’t know how to deal with my kid’s lying without ending up yelling at them.“
I totally get you and I feel for you. If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know any parent that has never yelled at their kid. I think that, unless your child is a total saint, or you have nerves of steel, it is impossible to raise a kid without ever yelling.
Please know that yelling from time to time doesn’t harm your kids. I am talking about the: ‘PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW!’ kind of yelling after you have told them to do it 67 times.
When should we worry about our yelling?
- When we say things that can hurt our kids: “You always do everything wrong!”, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”, “Are you stupid?”
- When we feel that our family’s normal is yelling.
Most of the times, when we yell is because we have failed to regulate ourselves. We lose our cool and we shout. How do we learn to self-regulate? First, understand your triggers (e.g., think about when you are more likely to yell: when the house is a mess, at bedtime because you are exhausted, at mealtimes when they refuse to eat what you have cooked…). Once you understand your triggers, you can take steps to avoid reaching your breaking point. For the next few weeks, keep a ‘yelling journal’ to learn what your triggers are and then set up a plan to address them (e.g., if you end up shouting in the evenings because you are exhausted try batch cooking during the weekend, so you have one less thing to do or ask the kids to chip in). The goal is to avoid reaching your breaking point.
Sometimes, we yell because it is how we were raised or because it is the only parenting tool we have. If you want, we can have a 1-2-1 session to discuss your situation, and I would give you some tools that you could use. Drop me an email here.
Do also have a read at this article: Let’s Be Honest: Who Doesn’t Ever Yell at their Kids?
Finally, let me assure you that you are a good mum, and you are doing the best you can. Just showing up here means that you care about your children, and you want to do what is best for them. Do not beat yourself up.
Lots of love,
Ana
“How to deal with unsolicited advice from my own parents as a new parent”
First of all, congratulations on your new baby. I hope you are both doing fine. And welcome to the “I am going to tell you how to raise your child” chapter of your life from anyone that comes across your path. Because the fact is that as soon as your baby is born, everyone has an opinion about how you should do it. It can be exhausting and infuriating, at a time when you are most likely feeling stretched and vulnerable.
I would make a distinction between when you are getting unsolicited advice from your parents than when you get it from any other person. It is still frustrating but remember that your parents are saying it from a place of deep love and because they genuinely want to help you and your baby. With the arrival of your baby, the family system has changed, and you all need to readjust to the new situation. You need to find your feet as a new mum and your parents need to find their place as grandparents. You all need to redefine your roles and boundaries now that your baby has arrived.
So, when your parents give advice try to set up your boundaries by redirecting the conversation. You can say things like:
- “I appreciate you want to help but I think I am going to try it my way first”.
- “I know that you have more experience than I do but I need to figure things out by myself”.
- “Thank you for your advice but I am happy with how I am doing it”.
- “I appreciate your advice, thank you”.
- “I know how much you care about the baby and me. I am figuring out what works best for us”.
You may find it difficult saying these things to your parents, but I don’t recommend that you stay quiet because at some point you may burst and explode, which could damage your relationship.
Life as a new mother is deeply ambivalent. You may be feeling elated, judged, angry, in love with your baby, frightened, happy, stretched, and everything in between. This is partly because the process of becoming a mother is still deeply misunderstood. This process is called matrescence and you can read more about it in this article: Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
I coach women going through the process of becoming mothers, because as you are experiencing, it is not easy. I would be more than happy to have a session with you (or any new mother reading) to discuss how you are doing and talk about any worry you have. You can get in touch with me here.
Lots of love,
Ana
“How can I help and support my 12 year old daughter who presents with autism and diagnosed with dyslexia navigate/ regulate emotions, calm her nervous system, make logical decisions and learn social cues.”
Parenting a neurodivergent child can be challenging. And sadly, often the conventional parenting advice doesn’t help. Here are some techniques you may find useful:
- Name her feelings whenever she is having a big emotion. There is research showing that just by taking a moment to think and name what we are feeling (“name it to tame it”), we get more regulated. You can also ask her to rate from 1-5 how strongly she is feeling the emotion or to give her emotions a colour (e.g., very strong is a red, strong is a yellow, and light is a green). Get her to do this every time she has a big emotion.
- Discuss appropriate reactions to her emotions: once she understands what she is feeling, you can then discuss what reactions are OK and which ones are not. “I understand that you are feeling angry but hitting your brother is not OK. What can you do instead? Do you want to take five deep breaths until you calm down”. Strategies like: taking deep breaths, counting to 20, walking away from the situation, and having a calming place at home for when she needs it, will help her to calm down. Go through all of them, reflect on which ones are useful and which ones are not, and practice with her doing them whenever she has a big emotion.
- Discuss how her reactions affect other people: if for example, your child is very competitive and this is creating problems with other children because she yells at them whenever she loses a game, discuss with her why she cannot yell at the children. Make it clear that it is OK to feel angry, but the yelling is not OK. Then, discuss with her alternatives to manage her anger. She can choose from the strategies that we discussed in point 3.
- Together, identify her triggers: this way she will understand what situations trigger her, she can be prepared, and then she can regulate herself with one of the techniques I have already mentioned.
- Role play: this is a great way to support her emotional regulation skills and her social skills. If there are certain situations that usually trigger her, role play with her the situation and rehearse appropriate reactions. Consider which social situations make her anxious. For example, she may feel very nervous because she is having a sleepover with a friend. You could role-play the situation with her. You could be the friend, and she can be herself. You could pretend to have the sleepover from the moment she gets to the house, what they will do after, what happens when they finally go to sleep… This way she will feel more in control of the situation, and she can plan how to act, what to say, and she can identify when she will make more anxious.
These are just some techniques that you may find useful. Keep in mind that there are many others that I haven’t mentioned. Also, consider that no two neurodivergent children are the same, so take the techniques that resonate with you and ignore those that don’t.
I also really recommend the book Differently Wired by Debora Reber.
If you would like to discuss in more detail the strategies that would best work for your child, get in touch with me. Remember also to take care of yourself. At REC Parenting, we can support you and your child.
I wish you and your child, all the very, very best.
Love,
Ana
March 14 is a special date for all those who love numbers, logic, and the patterns that shape our world. It is the International Day of Mathematics, a global celebration that seeks to highlight the importance of this discipline in daily life. However, for many children (and some adults as well), math can seem like a daunting challenge or an unappealing subject. The key to changing this perception is to present mathematics in a playful and accessible way, integrating it into daily family activities. And there is no better day to explain it than PI day, or math day, because it is March 3, or, 3/14, like the number.
Mathematics in Our Daily Lives
Although we may not realize it sometimes, mathematics is everywhere. When we cook, we follow recipes with precise measurements. When we play, we count points and apply strategies based on probabilities. Even in nature we can see mathematical patterns, such as the spiral arrangement of seeds in a sunflower or the perfect symmetry of a snowflake.
Helping children see math in their environment can make them perceive it more naturally and less abstractly. A walk in the park becomes an opportunity to look for geometric shapes, count the steps of a staircase or measure the shadow of a tree. When children discover that math is not only in books, but also in their world, their attitude toward learning changes.
Math Beyond Numbers
Mathematics is not limited to numerical operations. This discipline is key to the development of critical thinking and problem-solving. When faced with a math problem, children learn to analyze, look for solutions, and make informed decisions.
They also have a strong connection with other areas of knowledge. In music, rhythms and patterns follow mathematical principles. In art, proportions and symmetries are based on geometry. In science and technology, mathematics is fundamental to programming, physics, and engineering. Every time we pay with a credit card, there is cryptography and its complicated mathematical formulas to guarantee the security of operations.
Helping children see these connections allows them to understand that math is a powerful tool for understanding the world and expressing their creativity.
How to Make Math Fun for Kids
For many little ones, the idea of studying math may not be very exciting. However, if we present them through games and challenges, they can become an exhilarating and entertaining experience.
There are numerous board games and math puzzles that help develop numerical and logical thinking skills. Games such as tangram encourage spatial recognition and creativity, while Sudoku introduces logic in a friendly way. Puzzles, board games, and card games are also effective ways to incorporate mathematical thinking into the daily routine. A game of rummy with grandparents strengthens the bond between generations and familiarizes them with numbers.
Another effective strategy is to pose small daily challenges. For example, when shopping, you can ask questions such as: “If each fruit costs 2 euros, how exactly can we spend 10 euros?“. In the kitchen, you can make measurement conversions or fold a recipe to practice multiplication and fractionation.
Inspiring a Love of Math
For children to enjoy mathematics, it is essential to foster a positive attitude towards it. Many times, adults transmit our own insecurities about this matter without realizing it. Instead of saying, “Math is hard“, we can say, “Math helps us think better.” And we should try to avoid phrases such as “I was bad at mathematics” because they can convey that it is something hereditary, when it is not.
Celebrating small achievements is key. If a child solves a problem after several attempts, instead of focusing on the mistakes, we can highlight their effort and determination.
In addition, asking open-ended questions that arouse curiosity can be very effective. Why do bees build hexagon-shaped combs and not another shape? How is it possible for a bridge to remain standing? These types of questions motivate children to investigate and connect math to the real world.
Learning Math in the Digital Age
Today, technology gives us powerful tools to teach and reinforce math interactively. Apps and digital platforms can personalize learning, adapting the exercises to the pace and level of each child.
Many of these platforms use adaptive algorithms to identify areas where a child needs more practice and adjust exercises accordingly. A task that is almost impossible to do by hand. In addition, gamification makes learning more motivating by including rewards, levels, and progressive challenges. However, it’s important to balance screen time with math experiences outside of the digital world. A good approach is to combine short sessions in apps with hands-on, real-life activities.
An excellent example of personalized learning is Smartick, an online method that adapts to the pace and level of each child with daily sessions of only 15 minutes. As it is personalized, the method works for all children: for those who need reinforcement in mathematics, for those who are doing well and want to consolidate, or for those who need a greater challenge than the one they encounter at school. Its approach based on motivation and autonomy allows children to get hooked on learning in a natural way and enjoy the process. If you would like to explore it, you can access it through this link and discover it first-hand with a special discount.
Let’s celebrate International Mathematics Day Together!
This March 14, let’s take the opportunity to discover the fascinating side of mathematics. Whether through games, experiments or explorations in nature, let’s make this date an occasion to enjoy with the family. If it’s PI Day, let’s look for circles around us
Mathematics not only helps us solve problems, but it also teaches us to think in a structured and creative way. With the right approach, we can turn them into an exciting adventure for our children and lay the foundation for meaningful learning.
Let’s make math a fun and enriching experience for everyone!
Dr Hiwet Mariam Costa
About the Author
Dr. Hiwet Mariam Costa is an Italian psychologist specializing in developmental and educational psychology, with a focus on cognitive intervention to prevent learning difficulties in mathematics. She is the founder of Happy Mind Training and currently works on the diversity and inclusion team at Smartick. She collaborates with the Numerical Cognition Laboratory at the University of Malaga on projects related to dyscalculia assessment and intervention.
Many parents feel uncomfortable when discussing sex with their teens and leave it in the hands of the school. But we should not count on sexual education to happen only at school. It must happen also at home. In this article, we give you information and tips, so you feel more confident when talking sex.
Forget About ‘The Talk’
It is time to forget about ‘The Talk’ and the birds and the bees. Instead focus on the ‘Many Small Talks” approach. Ideally you want to talk about sex and sexuality as your child grows up. This way you normalize the topic. You are giving your child the message that it is ok to talk about it. That human sexuality is just a topic of conversation like any other.
Think about sex education as if you were building a house. At the beginning, when kids are little, talk about body parts and appropriate touch. As children grow, you can start discussing puberty and menstruation. Later, you discuss about healthy relationships, sexual intercourse, consent, sexual pressure, sexual violence, contraceptives, unplanned pregnancy, alcohol and drugs, and sexually transmitted diseases (e.g., HIV, AIDS).
Why Is It Important to Talk to your Teen about Sex?
When parents talk about sex with their teenagers, teenagers are more likely to:
- Practice safer sex (1), especially in the case of girls
- Start having sex later
- Have fewer (2) sexual partners
Parents who talk with their teens about sex usually focus on abstinence, safe sex, sexually transmitted diseases, and values around sexuality (3). However, around 50% of teenagers say that they do not talk about sex with their parents (4).
It is important to note that it is mostly mothers that talk about sex with their children. Children usually prefer to talk about sex with their mothers than with their fathers. The way mothers talk to boys and girls about sex is different. With girls, they focus on the dangers of sex. With boys, mothers are more likely to let them control their own sexuality (5).
Why Do We Find It So Difficult to Talk about Sex?
There are many reasons why discussing teen sex is tough for parents:
- We do not know when, what, and how much to say
- We believe that our teenager is not ready to talk about sex (especially in the case of girls)
- We feel uncomfortable and embarrassed
- We think our kids do not want to hear what we have to say
- Gender, racial/ethnic and religious factors. For example, fathers rarely talk with their daughters about sex
Teenagers also find it difficult to talk about it with their parents. Often because they are afraid to being judged or to disappoint them.
Make it about Values
Your teenager can learn anywhere about the mechanics of sex, but they can only learn about the values of sex and sexuality from you. Explain your values clearly
Your teen needs you to speak about sex as a parent, not as a friend. You are not their buddy when it comes to discussing sex. If we fail to give our children clear guidelines about relationships and sex, they can feel confused and insecure.
Discuss and Model What a Healthy Relationship Looks Like
A healthy romantic relationship should be about love, respect, and caring for each other. It is important to say it aloud and explicitly to your child. It is also important that this is the relationship that your teen perceives that you have with your partner.
Listen, Really Listen to your Teenager and Take their Opinion Seriously
Do not give your teenager a lecture. Have a conversation. It is important that your child feels listened to and accepted. Otherwise, they will close off and will not share their ideas and experiences. Even if you are outraged or concerned by what they says, keep your cool and do not overreact.
Talk about Porn and Make it Clear that it Is Not Real Life
Your teenager will find porn. No matter how many parental controls you have installed in your devices. They will access it at a friend’s house or on their cousin’s phone. They will find it. It is a must that you explain that porn is not real life. It is not how sex in a healthy relationship looks like.
If You Find It Too Difficult, Do not Make Eye Contact
Sometimes when a topic is difficult for us to discuss, it is easier not to make eye contact. Talking about sex with your teenager may be easier while cooking, driving or going for a walk. If opportunities arise while you are watching a movie or listening to the radio, use them. You may find it easier to talk about it in a public place, so you are more likely to keep your cool.
What If my Child Does Not Want to Talk about Sex with Me?
If this is your case, try for him to talk about it with a member of your extended family- a sibling, an aunt, an uncle, or a cousin. There is some research suggesting that talking about sex with other family members, also protects teens from sexual risk behaviours (6). If you have no other family members, you can ask your GP, a trusted teacher, or a good friend to have a chat about it.
Finally…
We have two brilliant REC Parenting masterclasses that you will find useful:
- Teen Dating Violence with Dr Kirsty Lee
- How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenager with Dr Tara Porter
I hope you find this information useful. Do get in touch if there are any issues concerning your teenager that you are worried about.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Grossman, J. M., DeSouza, L. M., Richer, A. M., & Lynch, A. D. (2021). Father-teen talks about sex and teens’ sexual health: The role of direct and indirect communication. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(18), 9760. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph18189760
(2) Secor-Turner, M., Sieving, R. E., Eisenberg, M. E., & Skay, C. (2011). Associations between sexually experienced adolescents’ sources of information about sex and sexual risk outcomes. Sex Education, 11(4), 489-500. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2011.601137
(3) Stidham-Hall, K., Moreau, C., & Trussell, J. (2012). Patterns and correlates of parental and formal sexual and reproductive health communication for adolescent women in the United States, 2002–2008. Journal of Adolescent Health, 50(4), 410-413. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2011.06.007
(4) Robert, A. C., & Sonenstein, F. L. (2010). Adolescents’ reports of communication with their parents about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control: 1988, 1995, and 2002. Journal of Adolescent Health, 46(6), 532-537. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2009.11.201
(5) Byers, E. S., Henderson, J., & Hobson, K. M. (2009). University students’ definitions of sexual abstinence and having sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 38, 665-674. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9289-6
(6) Grossman, J. M., Lynch, A. D., Richer, A. M., DeSouza, L. M., & Ceder, I. (2019). Extended-family talk about sex and teen sexual behavior. International journal of environmental research and public health, 16(3), 480. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16030480
Every few years, the debate about ‘do parents even matter?’ reappears. As we hear experts claiming that parent don’t matter at all, others saying that they matter a lot, parents are left confused around the dinner table. Should we just give up and let the kids go wild?
Not quite yet- Parents do matter. But maybe not as much or not in the way you think. Let me explain you why.
Do Parents Matter?
Without a doubt: YES. First, parents are important because they provide their children with food, shelter and safety. Second, parents matter because they are their children’s main socialization agents. That is, children are not born knowing how to function in the world. Parents teach their children about social norms, values, skills, knowledge, and beliefs. Finally, parents matter because they provide children with their genetic makeup. There are traits, such as intelligence or height that are inherited to a very large extent from our parents.
Some experts believe that parents only matter because they pass their genes to their children but that what parents (1) do does not make a big difference. Other experts believe that what parents do matters. This is, indeed, part of the old nature vs nurture debate.
What Matters for Children’s Development: Their Genes or the Environment?
The short answer is that both matter. There are traits such as intelligence (2) or whether a child is a picky eater (3) that are very much inherited from our parents. We know this because children who are adopted tend to have an IQ more like their birth parents than to their adoptive parents. Some would say that intelligence is a genetic trait and therefore parents do not matter in this regard. However, this is not the case. To make it even more complicated, we now know that our genes are not set in stone. Our environment can rearrange our genes, affecting how much or how little we express our genes. This is the concept of epigenetics (4). For a child to reach their full potential, they must be raised in an environment that allows them to reach this potential. A child that is deeply neglected by their parents may not reach their full IQ. It is the parents who provide this environment, so from this perspective, what parents do matters. This is an example of how our environment influences our genes.
So, our environment influences our genes, but our genes also influence our environment. Let me give you an example. A child that is born with a very difficult temperament (5), who cries a lot, is not affectionate, and is aggressive, may provoke their parents to be harsher, colder, and more punitive. These same parents may have another child that is always happy, affectionate and quick to help, and as a result, these parents are much more affectionate and loving to this child. This is an important aspect to remember because we often only think that parents influence children, but children also influence parents. The parent-child relationship goes both ways. This example illustrates how genetics (child’s temperament) influences the environment (parents’ level of warmth).
So, What Matters in Parenting?
This is THE question that developmental psychologists have been trying to answer for years.
What matters? The most important predictor in children’s development is whether they have a good relationship (6) with their parents. Children tend to do better when their parents are loving, caring, and set up clear and consistent rules. This is why children who have authoritative parents tend to do better than children of parents who favour other parenting styles.
There are soooo many things that do not matter. Things like how long you breastfeed your child for, when you potty train your child, or whether you co-sleep or not, do not matter. Usually, small decisions which parents tend to worry about do not make a big difference in how their child turns out.
Finally…
The message that parents do not matter as much as we think can be very liberating. We cannot shape our children into the adult we want them to be. Your child’s future does not depend totally on you. Focus on the quality of your relationship. Give them lots of love and provide consistent rules. Try not to worry about every single decision you make, because most likely it will not matter in the long term. That’s about it.
I hope you find this information useful. If you are struggling with any aspect of parenting or would like to learn strategies to become a more confident parenting, get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Harris, J. R. (1995). Where is the child’s environment? A group socialization theory of development. Psychological review, 102(3), 458. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.102.3.458
(2) Pesta, B. J., Kirkegaard, E. O., te Nijenhuis, J., Lasker, J., & Fuerst, J. G. (2020). Racial and ethnic group differences in the heritability of intelligence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Intelligence, 78, 101408. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.intell.2019.101408
(3) Nas, Z., Herle, M., Kininmonth, A. R., Smith, A. D., Bryant‐Waugh, R., Fildes, A., & Llewellyn, C. H. (2025). Nature and nurture in fussy eating from toddlerhood to early adolescence: findings from the Gemini twin cohort. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 66(2), 241-252. doi:10.1111/jcpp.14053
(4) Gibney, E. R., & Nolan, C. M. (2010). Epigenetics and gene expression. Heredity, 105(1), 4-13.
(5) Laukkanen, J., Ojansuu, U., Tolvanen, A. et al. Child’s Difficult Temperament and Mothers’ Parenting Styles. J Child Fam Stud 23, 312–323 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-013-9747-9
(6) Retnowati, D. A., & Sukmawaty, N. I. P. (2024). The effect of authoritative parenting style on individual development: A literature review. World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, 21(1), 205-209. https://doi.org/10.30574/wjarr.2024.21.1.2662
Weaning is the process of stopping breastfeeding. We start to introduce solid foods, while continuing to give the child breast milk. Little by little we will stop breastfeeding and we will increase the amount of solid food.
Types of Weaning
- Natural or spontaneous: the child is the one who stops breastfeeding. It can happen abruptly but it usually happens gradually from the age of two.
- Abrupt: the mother stops breastfeeding without an adaptation process. Leaving cold turkey can be more emotionally difficult for the mother and child. It can also increase the risk of the mother having breast problems such as mastitis.
- Gradual: the mother for whatever reason decides that it is time to stop breastfeeding the child. It is done gradually over several weeks, decreasing the number of feedings and the duration of each feeding. This is the method that we explain below.
When Is the Ideal Time to Start Weaning?
- There is no ideal time. It’s up to you and your child.
- It’s best to do it at a time when the child isn’t going through another change, such as the start of daycare or the birth of a sibling.
- It is very common for the child to resist. Normally, children who leave the breast later are usually more resistant to leaving it.
How Do We Do It?
- Progressively eliminate the feedings: Start by eliminating one feeding. It is usually easier to eliminate the midday one and gradually stop the ones you do during the day. The first feeding in the morning and especially those at night, are usually more difficult to eliminate. Weaning doesn’t have to be total. Some mothers decide to wean during the day and continue breastfeeding at night.
- Every time the child asks for the breast, offer him a distraction. Offer him something to eat, water or milk, cuddle him, or play with him.
- Make it difficult to access the breast: don’t wear a nursing bra, don’t wear clothes that are easy to open, or wear several layers of clothing.
- Let someone take care of the child a little more on those days, especially at times when you usually breastfeed.
- Shorten each session: When your child has breastfed for a minute or two, urge them to stop and offer something to distract them.
- Delay feedings: when your child asks for the breast, tell him to wait until you finish making dinner, or when you return from the walk. In the meantime, try to distract him so that he forgets.
- It may be a good idea to keep a diary where you write down the number of feedings, hours, and write down what happens in each feeding. This way, you can see patterns of behavior, which one is harder to stop…
How to Eliminate Night Feedings
It’s often harder to drop the night feeds.
Before taking away the night feedings, it is advisable to break the association between sleep and breast. If you normally breastfeed before going to sleep in your room, or in bed, start breastfeeding in the living room, for example. Do the same in the morning, with the first feeding.
After a few days, when he asks for the breast, try to:
- Offer milk or water
- Give them a stuffed animal or blanket they like
- Hugging him, caressing him…
- The other parent who take care of the child at night so that it is less likely for him to ask for the breast.
Important Things to Keep in Mind
What Does the Child Look for When He Asks for the Breast?
The breast is more than a food and many times the child asks for it when he wants a cuddle or is bored.
It is good to know why they are asking for it so that you can anticipate:
- If he is bored: propose to do something that he likes.
- If he is sleepy: think about how else you can help him sleep or maybe someone else can help him sleep.
- If hungry: Give your baby something to eat before breastfeeding or while breastfeeding.
When and Where Does the Child Ask for the Breast?
If the child is used to breastfeeding on the sofa after dinner, in the morning in your bed when you wake up or after playing, change the routine. Do not sit on that couch, or get out of bed before he wakes up.
Your Partner or Someone Else Needs to Collaborate
It is a good idea if your partner or another person is with the child at the times when he usually asks for the breast so that it is more difficult for him to remember about it.
Adjust Your Expectations
At this age, the weaning process can be long. It may be that the child agrees to leave the breast quickly, but it is more common for the child to resist and take a while.
Prepare for the Child to Be More Fussy
It is very likely that during this time the child will cry and be more nervous than usual. This can make you feel anxious. Think about how the child feels, try to be calm, and arm yourself with patience.
And What About You?
Many times when we talk about weaning we only think of the child but this is a process that also includes you. It’s a matter of two. It is a process of change and adaptation, which requires patience and understanding, for both of you.
That’s why it is very important that you take care of yourself. When you stop feeding, you may feel uncomfortable. Observe how you feel, if you are uncomfortable, apply a cold towel and express milk but only enough to eliminate discomfort, not to stimulate production. If you’re very uncomfortable or in a lot of pain, talk to your pharmacist or doctor. You may be advised to take anti-inflammatories.
Also pay attention to how you feel emotionally. Breastfeeding is a phase of parenting that you’ve put a lot of time and dedication into, so you may feel a sense of grief or loss.
We wish you all the best in this process. If you need support, do not hesitate to contact us. Our specialists will guide you in a personalized way.
This question has not been examined much by researchers in the last few years. Girls and boys tend to cope differently with divorce, rather than one gender coping better than the other. The impact of divorce depends on many factors such as age, personality, parental support, or the level of conflict between the parents.
Most children, regardless of whether they are boys or girls, do worse in the months following parental divorce. However, most boys and girls are doing reasonably well by the second or third year after the divorce. Only around 25% of children of divorced parents experience long-term problems.
You can read more about this topic in this recent article discussing divorce.
If you are going through a divorce, and would like some support, get in touch with me.
Regards,
Ana
What is a Yes Day?
It is a day when parents say yes to any requests from their children. Parents are not allowed to say no to anything their kids request. It was popularized by actress Jennifer Garner in the Yes Day movie. Originally the idea comes from the children’s book Yes Day! by Amy Krouse Rosenthal.
Should I Let my Child Have a Yes Day?
It is totally up to you. Some parents say that they are a good idea because during these days they connect with their children, strengthening their relationship. Yes Days are also a way to create fun and long-lasting memories with your children.
Parents also argue that Yes Days are a good idea because children hear ‘No’ so many times a day every day, that having one day when they do not hear this word, helps both parents and children to relax. It is a chance for the whole family to break up the routine. Yes Days are all about having quality time and family fun.
There Are Two Ways to Have a Yes Day
- You tell your child and spend time planning it as a family
- You do not tell your child, but you intentionally say yes to as many of their requests as you can
What Is the Best Age to Start Yes Days?
Probably the best age is around 5 or 6. At this time, children can understand the rules and that it is a special day. They are less likely to ask for crazy things (or at least not as many!).
How Does a Yes Day Work?
Kids choose what they want to do the entire day. Adults set rules but children are pretty much free to plan the day as they want. However, it is crucial that you set some ground rules from the beginning. Otherwise, the day can go crazy.
Yes Day Rules
- Parents choose the day that it will happen
- No requests can result in a permanent consequence (e.g., getting a tattoo or buying a pet)
- Set a budget per child for the day
- Place a travel limit
- Activities cannot be unsafe (e.g., eating pancakes if the child cannot have gluten)
- Set a limit on screen time
- Set a limit on how late children can stay up
- Parents have the final say on whether a request is accepted
- Don’t forget to finish the day by discussing as a family what you all have enjoyed the most, things you have learnt from the day, and by showing gratitude for having had a good time
Twenty Ideas for a Yes Day
- Go camping
- Go on a road trip
- Have a movie marathon
- Wear pyjamas all day
- Have a no chores day
- Go to a zoo, the local park, a museum, or a fair
- Go to a favourite restaurant
- Eat only favourite foods all day, including junk food
- A board game marathon
- Special bedtime story
- Extra screen time
- Have a picnic in the living room
- Have a themed dress-up day
- Bake cookies or make ice-cream
- Have a water balloon fight
- Go to a theme park
- Play video games
- Have a dance party
- Build a maze in the living room
- Have a spa day at home
How Often Should You Have a Yes Day?
Yes Days should not be done too often, otherwise they will not feel special. Also, you do not want your child to think that they can do whatever they want all the time. Let’s not forget that boundaries are really important for children.
If Yes Days are something that works for you and your family, you may choose to establish it as a family tradition and have it once or twice a year.
A Yes Day can be a good idea when the family is going through a rough patch, like a divorce, moving, or the loss of a family member.
How Does a Child Earn a Yes Day?
Ideally, children should not earn these days. These days should be all about family connection.
Finally…
Whether you have yes day or not is totally up to you. You are not a better or worse parent whether you have them or not.
If you have an ongoing parenting struggle or want to build a foundation to feel more confident in your parenting, get in touch with me or go to our website.
Love,
Ana
What Is Parallel Play?
Parallel play (1) is when children seem to be playing together with other children but in reality, they are just playing side by side. They do not interact with each other, nor do they share toys.
An example of parallel play is two children quietly building their own block towers next to each other. Or for example, two toddlers playing in the same toy kitchen but each of them is cooking on their own.
Why Is Play Important?
Play is really important for children’s development. During play, children develop their emotional, social, and cognitive skills. During play (2) , children learn to make sense of the world, they explore their environment, and they learn to solve problems. Let’s also not forget that children simply like to play.
Children must be allowed to play because it is fundamental for their development. Play is not just something children do. Play is children’s work.
There are reports suggesting that children are playing less than previous generations used to. Or at least, that they are engaging in less adventurous (3) and outdoors play. This is one of the reasons why some psychologists believe that children’s and teenagers’ mental health has gotten worse in the past years.
When Do Children Engage in Parallel Play?
Children engage in parallel play between the ages of 18 -24 months until around the ages of 3 or 4, when children usually start preschool. By then, children start playing cooperatively. They start playing with other children and not only next to other children.
Remember that these ages are just approximate. Some children (4) will not engage much in parallel play, some children will start cooperative play way earlier, and some children will keep playing on their own for a bit longer. It depends on factors such as if your kid has siblings, when they start going to nursery, or how often they interact with other children. Remember that each child is different, and they hit developmental milestones a bit sooner or later. However, if you are worried about your child, always consult with your doctor.
Why Is Parallel Play Important?
Your child is not playing with others yet, but parallel play prepares him for social play. During parallel play, children also:
- Observe and sometimes imitate children playing alongside them. They get curious about what the other children are doing and the toys they are playing with.
- Start to understand that other children have feelings and thoughts, just like them.
- Learn to share their space with other children.
- Observe how adults interact with children
- Develop their motor skills
Parallel Play Concerns and Challenges
During this stage, parents (5) often try to make their child play with other children, but they usually fail. They fail simply, because at this stage children do not yet have the skills to play together. They will get there on their own time. At this stage, just worry about giving them opportunities to interact with other children. Your child is not ‘antisocial’ because he is playing on his own at this stage of his development. He is just doing what he is ‘meant’ to be doing. He is not ready yet to make friends.
What Are the Other Stages of Play?
Sociologist, Mildred Parten (6) , proposed in the early 1900s that there are six stages of play:
- Unoccupied Play: this is how babies entertain themselves. They move and observe with no specific goal. Examples are watching everything that is around them, grasping whatever they can get hold of, or knocking over toys.
- Solitary Play: The child is playing totally absorbed in his own thoughts. This stage of play typically starts during the baby months and continues into toddlerhood. An example is a child reading a book or playing with his stuffed animal without interacting with anyone.
- Onlooker Play (or Spectator Play): The child observes what other children are doing, they may even ask questions, but do not engage with them. An example is a young kid watching two older kids building a tower with blocks. This stage of play usually starts in the toddler years and may last until the start of primary school. It may seem that your child is not doing anything, but he is learning the social rules around play.
- Parallel Play
- Associative Play: This is when children start to interact and talk with each other. They are still quite focused on doing their own thing, but they chat with others and are interested in what the others are doing. Associative examples are drawing or playing with playdough.
- Cooperative Play: The goal of all five previous stages of play is to prepare children for cooperative play. This is when young children are truly planning and playing together. They work together towards a common goal. Examples of cooperative play activities are building a block tower together, playing house or role playing. This type of play tends to start during the preschool years, when children are around four years of age. It provides children with the opportunity to interact with other children and is the building block to building friendships.
These six stages of play are not set in stone. Depending on their age, children may move from playing cooperatively, to solitary, to onlooker, depending on their play environment. Children also prefer one type of play over others depending on their personality and interests.
Parallel Play in Neurodivergent Children
Children with autism (7) usually have problems developing their play skills. They are less likely to play with other children and tend to stay on the outside of play activities. When they engage in play, it tends not to be creative and interactive but scripted and one-sided. This is why very often, children with autism are taught to play with other children.
Regarding children with ADHD (8) , there is some evidence suggesting that children who played regularly in green spaces, had milder symptoms than children who played more often in built indoor or outdoor spaces.
Takeaway
Play in early childhood is really important. Sometimes, children are so busy with school, homework, and extracurricular activities, that they have little time to play. If you sometimes think that your child is wasting their time when they are playing, try to change this mindset. Remember that play is children’s work. This work helps the development of their social, cognitive, and emotional skills.
Learn more about this topic, watch our masterclass on children’s play with Dr Rachel Nesbit, one of the most relevant researchers of play.
If you have questions or comments, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Neal, J. W., Neal, Z. P., & Durbin, C. E. (2022). Inferring signed networks from preschoolers’ observed parallel and social play. Social Networks, 71, 80-86. https://www.elsevier.com/open-access/userlicense/1.0/
(2) Scott, H. K., & Cogburn, M. (2018). Peer play.
(3) Dodd, H. F., Nesbit, R. J., & FitzGibbon, L. (2023). Child’s play: examining the association between time spent playing and child mental health. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 54(6), 1678-1686. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-022-01363-2
(4) Robinson, C. C., Anderson, G. T., Porter, C. L., Hart, C. H., & Wouden-Miller, M. (2003). Sequential transition patterns of preschoolers’ social interactions during child-initiated play: Is parallel-aware play a bidirectional bridge to other play states?. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 18(1), 3-21. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0885-2006(03)00003-6
(5) Dyer, S., & Moneta, G. B. (2006). Frequency of parallel, associative, and cooperative play in British children of different socioeconomic status. Social Behavior and Personality: an international journal, 34(5), 587-592.
(6) Parten, M. B. (1933). Social play among preschool children. The Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 28(2), 136. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/h0073939
(7) Groenwoud, Cameron, “The Use of Picture Prompts to Generalize Play Skills and Parallel Play for Children with Autism” (2010). Honors Projects. 53.
https://scholarworks.gvsu.edu/honorsprojects/53
(8) Kuo FE, Taylor AF (2004) A potential natural treatment for atten-tion-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: evidence from a national study. Am J Public Health 94(9):1580–1586
“Every new parent comes with their own experiences of growing up (abiding by different rules, discipline etc) how do my partner and I have an agreed parenting path (views about how to deal with conflict/behavioural changes) going forward so that we are clear and consistent? Do you recommend any parenting courses/workbooks to help us work/guide us through these really important fundamental child raising questions? Thanks
Obviously, communication is key but I think a clear gentle guide in discussions would be really beneficial.”
Most of us don’t discuss how we want to raise our children before having them, right? And the reality, as you say, is that we were all raised in different ways, and we all have different ideas about how children should be raised. So, rest assured that you are not the only one having this problem. Most couples do not agree about every single aspect of parenting. Having said this, it is important that you try to set some ground rules so that parenting differences don’t end up undermining your relationship.
Here are some useful tips to remember:
- It is impossible that you and your partner will agree on absolutely everything. Before criticizing your partner’s decision, ask yourself: “Does my partner want what is best for our child?”. The answer is probably ‘yes’, right? Instead of thinking that you are right, and your partner is wrong, think that you have different ideas about parenting. Not better or worse, just different.
- Establish some ‘red lines’. These could be a few things that are a totally no-go for each one of you and that you should both respect. For example, it could be that you are absolutely against letting your child have sleepovers, and your partner is completely against shouting at your child. You should both make a pact to respect these ‘red lines’.
- Remember that the problem is not to have conflicting opinions, the problem is how you handle them in front of your child.
- Even if you disagree with your partner’s parenting in the moment, do not say so in front of your child. Save your thoughts for later and discuss it when you are both feeling calm.
- You don’t want to disagree in front of your child because it can be confusing and worrying for them. It can also undermine your authority and lead your child to play you against each other.
- Discipline is a common friction point between parents. Unless your partner is placing your child in physical danger, try not to undermine their authority in front of your child. Have a chat later and decide on some discipline ground rules.
- Finally, remember that your child does not need perfect parents that agree on absolutely everything. Your child needs stable and loving parents. If you end up having an argument in front of your child, repair the relationship with them and tell them that it is totally normal for couples to have arguments from time to time.
In terms of resources, we could have an online session to discuss this issue further and agree on some ground rules. We can also discuss what aspects really matter for child development, to avoid you arguing over things that do not matter that much. Do get in touch with me and we can organize it straight away.
I hope this helps!
Ana
What Is ADHD?
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a neurodevelopmental disorder (1) . People who experience it have difficulties paying attention, and/or controlling their impulses and regulating their behaviour.
Children (2) with ADHD are more likely to:
- Have academic problems
- Have problems in their social relations (e.g., family and friends)
- Suffer physical injuries
- Do drugs and alcohol
- Have low self-esteem
- Have problems finding and keeping a job when they grow up
ADHD is the most common neurodevelopmental disorder with an estimated prevalence (3) of 5%. It usually continues into adulthood although for some people, symptoms lessen with age. Others never completely outgrow ADHD, but they learn to manage it using different strategies.
Do Toddlers Have ADHD?
ADHD seems to be a condition we are born with. So, it is possible for toddlers to have ADHD. The issue is that toddlers cannot be diagnosed until they are older. It is not possible to get toddlers diagnosed because toddler behaviour and ADHD symptoms often overlap.
Toddlers (4) usually find it difficult to pay attention, control their impulses and they tend to be quite hyperactive. These three characteristics are typical of children with ADHD. Those children who reach primary school and still find it difficult to develop these abilities may be referred to a specialist to determine if they have ADHD.
How Is ADHD Usually Noticed?
Children with ADHD tend to be identified when they are in primary school during middle childhood. Very often these children have trouble with their schoolwork as well as with other children (5).
How Is ADHD Diagnosed?
ADHD must be diagnosed by a paediatrician, or by a mental health professional, like a psychologist or a psychiatrist.
Diagnosing ADHD is a process with a few steps. It is a complex process because there is not a single test to diagnose ADHD. Other problems, such as anxiety, sleep disorders, or other type of neurodivergent conditions, have similar symptoms to ADHD.
The American Association of Paediatrics (AAP) has guidelines to diagnose and treat ADHD in children between the ages of 4 and 6 years old. It does not have guidelines aimed at younger children.
Healthcare professionals diagnose ADHD according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V). The DSM-V states that there are three types of ADHD:
Hyperactivity-impulsivity:
- Often fidgets with or tap hands or feet, or squirms in seat
- Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected
- Often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate
- Often unable to play or take part in leisure activities quietly
- Is often ‘on the go’ acting as if ‘driven by a motor’
- Often talks excessively
- Often blurts out an answer before a question has been completed
- Often has trouble waiting for their turn
- Often interrupts or intrudes on others
Inattention:
- Often fails to pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, or with other activities.
- Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or play activities
- Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
- Often does not follow through instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace
- Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities
- Often avoids, dislikes or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time
- Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities
- Is often easily distracted
- Is often forgetful in daily activities
Combined:
A child with combined ADHD has symptoms of both inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive ADHD.
Children are diagnosed with ADHD when they:
- Have symptoms for at least six months.
- Have symptoms in two or more settings (e.g., home, school, social setting).
- Have symptoms that impact their ability to function successfully in school, at home, and in other social contexts.
- The symptoms are not better explained by another mental disorder
It is important to note that your child might show one or many of these characteristics without having ADHD.
How Is ADHD Treated?
ADHD cannot be cured but the correct treatment can help manage the symptoms. The American Academy of Paediatrics recommends that:
- Children younger than six years old: parents to receive behaviour management before medication is tried.
- Children 6 years-old and older: they should receive medication (e.g., stimulants or non-stimulants) and behaviour therapy. For children under 12, it is also recommended that their parents receive training in behaviour management.
A good treatment plan should be closely monitored, and changes should be made along the way to adapt to the child’s development. It is also important that parents, teachers, and health professionals work together to best support the child.
Why Is it Important to Diagnose ADHD as Early as Possible?
Early diagnosis and treatment can make a big difference. This is why, researchers are examining how it could be diagnosed earlier. The latest research is examining the links between ADHD and children having a difficult temperament from birth (6). Researchers are also examining links between ADHD and toddlers struggling to achieve motor and language milestones, as well as toddlers being very active (7).
Finally
Please remember that whatever people may say there is nothing you have done to cause your child’s ADHD. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder.
If you suspect your toddler may have ADHD, discuss it with your doctor but do not forget that ADHD cannot be diagnosed when children are this young.
If you have any questions regarding ADHD, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Nikkelen, S. W. C., Valkenburg, P. M., Huizinga, M., & Bushman, B. J. (2014). Media use and ADHD-related behaviors in children and adolescents: A meta-analysis. Developmental Psychology, 50(9), 2228-2241. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037318
(2) Barkley, R. A. (2014). ADHD and injuries: Accidental and self-inflicted. The ADHD Report, 22(2), 1-8. https://doi.org/10.1521/adhd.2014.22.2.1
(3) Polanczyk, G., De Lima, M. S., Horta, B. L., Biederman, J., & Rohde, L. A. (2007). The worldwide prevalence of ADHD: a systematic review and metaregression analysis. American journal of psychiatry, 164(6), 942-948. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.2007.164.6.942
(4) Nigg, J. T., Sibley, M. H., Thapar, A., & Karalunas, S. L. (2020). Development of ADHD: Etiology, heterogeneity, and early life course. Annual review of developmental psychology, 2(1), 559-583. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-devpsych-060320-093413
(5) McGoey, K. E., Eckert, T. L., & Dupaul, G. J. (2002). Early intervention for preschool-age children with ADHD: A literature review. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 10(1), 14-28. https://doi.org/10.1177/106342660201000103
(6) Nigg, J. T., Blaskey, L. G., Stawicki, J. A., & Sachek, J. (2004). Evaluating the endophenotype model of ADHD neuropsychological deficit: results for parents and siblings of children with ADHD combined and inattentive subtypes. Journal of abnormal psychology, 113(4), 614. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0021-843X.113.4.614
(7) Miller, C. J. (2023). Mindfulness Interventions for ADHD. In Clinical Handbook of ADHD Assessment and Treatment Across the Lifespan (pp. 631-647). Cham: Springer International Publishing.
Over the last few years, parental alienation has been discussed in the media quite a lot. But do you know what parental alienation really means? Do you know that there is huge controversy amongst professionals because they don’t even agree if parental alienation is really a thing? Keep reading to find out what’s all about.
What Is Parental Alienation?
Parental alienation (1) is a mental condition in which a child allies strongly with one parent (the alienating or favoured parent) and refuses to have a relationship with the other parent (the alienated or target parent). The alienated parent is rejected without any justifiable reason, such as physical or emotional abuse, or neglect.
The idea of parental alienation was first quoted by Dr Richard Gardner in 1992.
The most common cause (2) is that the child is manipulated by the other parent. As a result, the child ends up disliking or being afraid of the alienated parent. Parental alienation usually happens when parents are going through a very conflictive separation or divorce. However, it can also happen in intact families. Especially, if the couple is going through a rough patch or have a very difficult relationship.
The result of parental alienation is the breakdown of the relationship between the targeted parent and the child.
Alienation may be done by mothers and fathers (3).
A Word of Caution
Before we dive into the research on parental alienation, let me tell you that this is a highly controversial topic. Even though researchers have been examining it for the past 30 years, some of them do not even agree that parental alienation is a thing.
On one hand, there are researchers who argue that parental alienation is based on junk science (4) and it is only a justified dislike for a parent, similar to estrangement. According to them, parental alienation is ambiguous, and impossible to diagnose. These researchers also argue that parental alienation is a legal strategy used by abusive parents to get custody of their children (5).
In contrast, other researchers (6) believe that there is enough evidence to support the concept of parental alienation. They believe that parental alienation is a thing.
Let’s explore what the research says, while keeping in mind this word of caution.
Signs of Parental Alienation in Parents
The alienating parent may…
- Criticize and humiliate the target parent in front of the child.
- Convince family members and friends that the target parent does not deserve their love and should not be in touch with the children
- Impede or make it very difficult for the child to spend time with the target parent
- Do campaigns of denigration against the other parent
- Disapprove of the child showing affection towards the target parent
Signs of Parental Alienation in Children
Children who are victims of alienation may…
- Criticize the alienated parent strongly and with no cause
- Show unconditional support for the favoured parent. Everything the favoured parent does is right and everything the alienated parent does is wrong
- Experience hatred or fear towards the alienated parent
- Not care about the feelings of the target parent
It is important to keep in mind that having negative feelings towards a parent is not always evidence of parental alienation.
What Are the Consequences of Parental Alienation?
Some mental health professionals use the term parental alienation syndrome (PAS) to describe the effects on parents and children. Other professionals have stopped using the term ‘PAS’ and instead they refer to ‘parental alienation’, ‘alienation’, ‘implacable hostility’ and ‘child resistance or refusal’. These terms are also questioned by some practitioners and researchers because they claim there is no scientific evidence to support them.
Children may experience short-term and long-term effects, such as depressive symptoms, lower quality of life, and difficulties communicating with the target parent (7). They may also find school difficult, have problems sleeping, and develop low self-esteem (8).
The target parent (9) may experience depression, anxiety, frustration, feelings of loss, fear, and helplessness. However, note that there is not much research examining the experiences of alienated parents.
Is PAS a Diagnosable Mental Disorder?
PAS is not recognized as a diagnosable mental disorder. It is not included in the two major mental health diagnostic systems that practitioners use around the world. These are the DSM-V of the American Psychiatric Association (APA) and the ICD-11 of the World Health Organization (WHO).
It is important to note that the WHO and the APA consider that parental alienation can be considered a ‘Caregiver-Child Relationship Problem’. This category is included in both diagnostic manuals, but it is not recognized as a mental health disorder. The WHO considers that parental alienation is relevant in some judicial contexts, but they argue that there is a lack of evidence to consider it a mental syndrome.
The fact that PAS is not considered a mental disorder does not mean that it will never be. Diagnostic systems, like the DSM-V and the ICD-11, are not set in stone. They have included disorders that have later been eliminated (e.g., homosexuality) and added others that were not included before (e.g., Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, DMDD).
What Is the Difference Between Parental Alienation and Estrangement?
Estrangement involves a child rejecting a parent with a reasonable justification, such as abuse or neglect (10). Alienation involves rejecting a parent with no clear reason.
Estrangement is also not considered a diagnosable mental disorder by the DSM-V or the ICD-11.
Is Parental Alienation Abuse?
No. Domestic abuse is a crime whereas parental alienation is not.
Why Is It Important Whether Parental Alienation Syndrome Is Really a Thing?
Whether PAS is really a thing or not is important because it could have huge implications in child custody decisions, abuse cases, and children’s welfare.
If PAS was to be recognized as a mental disorder, children’s testimonies would be evaluated with scepticism, particularly in cases of abuse or neglect. Judges might question whether children’s statements are their own or influenced by the alienating parent.
Family courts would have to rely more on expert witnesses, such as psychologists, to determine if the child really has PAS or not.
Finally…
As we have seen, parental alienation is a really complex issue. If you are going through a difficult patch with your partner or your children and you want to discuss it, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Regards,
Ana
References
(1) Bernet, W. (2023). Recurrent misinformation regarding parental alienation theory. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 51(4), 334-355. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2021.1972494
(2) Bernet, W. (2020). Parental alienation and misinformation proliferation. Family Court Review, 58(2), 293-307. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12473
(3) Lowenstein, L. F. (2013). Is the Concept of Parental Alienation a Meaningful One? Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 54(8), 658–667. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2013.810980
(4) Joyanna Silberg & Stephanie Dallam (2019) Abusers gaining custody in family courts: A case series of over turned decisions, Journal of Child Custody, 16:2, 140-169, DOI: 10.1080/15379418.2019.1613204
(5) Meier, Joan S. and Dickson, Sean and O’Sullivan, Chris and Rosen, Leora and Hayes, Jeffrey, United States Child Custody Outcomes in Cases Involving Parental Alienation and Abuse Allegations: What do the Data Show? (January 01, 2020). GWU Law School Public Law Research Paper No. 2019-56, GWU Legal Studies Research Paper No. 2019-56, Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=3448062 or http://dx.doi.org/10.2139/ssrn.3448062
(6) Baker, A.J.L. (2018). Reliability and validity of the four-factor model of parental alienation. Journal of Family Therapy, 42, (1), 100-118. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12253
(7) Tavares, A., Crespo, C. & Ribeiro, M.T. What Does it Mean to be a Targeted Parent? Parents’ Experiences in the Context of Parental Alienation. J Child Fam Stud 30, 1370–1380 (2021). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-021-01914-6
(8) Harman, J. J., Kruk, E., & Hines, D. A. (2018). Parental alienating behaviors: An unacknowledged form of family violence. Psychological Bulletin, 144(12), 1275–1299. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000175
(9) Baker, A., & Andre, K. (2008). Working with alienated children and their targeted parents. Annals of the American Psychotherapy Association, 11, (2), 10-.
(10) Garber, B. D. (2011). Parental alienation and the dynamics of the enmeshed parent–child dyad: Adultification, parentification, and infantilization. Family Court Review, 49(2), 322-335.
To track or not to track… That is the question parents face. For some parents tracking their child’s phone is an absolute must, and they don’t see what the problem is. For others, it is an intrusion of their children’s privacy.
So, what does the research say? Let’s have a look.
What Does the Research Say?
Truth to be told, there is not much research on this topic. There is one study (1) published in 2024 examining parents’ phone tracking of their teenagers. They found that teenagers who were tracked by their parents were more likely to have issues like anxiety or depression, and to drink alcohol. But this study cannot answer an important question: Are parents tracking their teenagers because they are doing things that they should not be doing or are teenagers doing things that should not be doing because their parents are too controlling? In other words: What comes first? The tracking or the misbehaving? This is not something that so far research examining phone tracking can answer.
Tracking a child 24/7 means that that child is being constantly watched and supervised. And we don’t really know how that affects children.
One way to understand how tracking children’s phones may influence them is to rely on the research examining the effects of parental control on children. After all, tracking your child’s phone is a way of controlling them.
Should We Control Our Children?
Rather than controlling our children, we need to know our children. Knowledge (2) about who their friends are, the things they do when they go out, how they are doing at school, the things they like, what worries them, and whether they are OK. Why is knowledge important? Because when parents know about their children’s life, their children tend to engage in less risky behaviours and tend to have better mental health.
There are two ways to get that knowledge about your children:
- By controlling them: when we control our children, we control the amount of freedom children have to do things without us, asking their friends for information, spying on them, surveilling them.
- By monitoring them: and the best way to monitor (3) them is by having a good relationship with them so they want to tell you what is going on in their life.
There is a clear difference between getting information about your child by controlling (4) or by having a good relationship with them. Knowing a lot about your child because you keep spying on him is very different to knowing about your child because he wants you to know. Children of parents who control very tightly tend to do worse than children whose parents monitor them effectively.
So, instead of trying to control our children, we need to think about monitoring them properly. The best way to monitor our children is by developing a strong bond with them.
What Is the Problem with Tracking Children?
There are a few issues that concerns psychologists:
- It may be a controlling parental behaviour. As we have just seen, parental control is linked with negative outcomes for children.
- Children who are being constantly tracked may not develop responsibility and autonomy, and it may increase their anxiety.
- Children may get the idea that the world is a dangerous place. Why would you track 24/7 your child if there is not danger around each corner?
- Children may develop a false sense of safety, thinking that you will always be able to know if they are in danger. As part of normal development, teenagers must develop an understanding of their own safety, and what they need to do to keep themselves safe.
Is Everyone Tracking their Kids?
As far as I know, there are only two studies examining the number of parents that track their children. Both studies have been conducted in the US. One examined, parents of children aged 5-11 in 2020 (5) and found that 1/3 of parents tracked their children. The other one, examined parents of adolescents in 2024 and found that about half of parents tracked their children’s. Fourteen per cent of parents were tracking their kids without them knowing about it.
It is also worth mentioning that girls were more likely to be tracked than boys. This may be because parents are more worried about girls’ safety when out and about.
What To Do?
Before making a decision, ask yourself who will benefit from the tracking. Will it benefit you because it will bring you peace of mind? If so, what makes you so worried about child being out unsupervised? Or will it benefit your child? If so, how?
It is also important to consider your child’s age. Tracking teenagers can be particularly tricky because teenagers need to have a sense of privacy and independence. It is part of them growing up. When teenagers feel that their parents are going too far in their parental duties, they may rebel. This may lead the teenagers to resent their parents, and their relationship will suffer. Many teenagers will turn their phones off, let their battery go dead, or stop answering texts.
If you track your child, tell them you are doing it. Your relationship with your child should be based on trust and respect. If your child discovers that you have been tracking them without them knowing, your relationship will suffer. Especially, the older they get.
Consider also the information you receive. You will only know your child’s location but not what he is doing or who he is with.
What Happens with the Data that Tracking Apps Collect?
This is a concern for many experts. In 2020, Life360 App made $16 million from selling location data. Who buys them? Insurance companies and any other company that finds value in having that data.
There are many other control apps. Apps such as Find My or Google Maps can be used to see the real-time location of your child’s device.
On Android phones, Location Sharing allows your child to share their real-time location. On iPhone, you can know where your child is through the Find My App.
Final Words
At the end of the day, it is entirely up to you whether you track your child’s phone. If your child sees it as a way for you to control him and invading their privacy, it will probably not be good for your relationship. In contrast, if your child thinks that the tracking is out of concern and care and/or they want you to track them because they feel safe that way, then it won’t harm your relationship. I would recommend that if you do track them, you do it for safety and open communication and not to police and punish your child.
If you have any questions or comments, get in touch with me!
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Burnell K, Andrade FC, Kwiatek SM, Hoyle RH. Digital location tracking: A preliminary investigation of parents’ use of digital technology to monitor their adolescent’s location. J Fam Psychol. 2023 Jun;37(4):561-567. doi: 10.1037/fam0001067. Epub 2023 Mar 6. PMID: 36877491; PMCID: PMC10238636.
(2) Racz, S.J., McMahon, R.J. The Relationship Between Parental Knowledge and Monitoring and Child and Adolescent Conduct Problems: A 10-Year Update. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev 14, 377–398 (2011). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-011-0099-y
(3) Kerr, M., Stattin, H., & Burk, W. J. (2010). A reinterpretation of parental monitoring in longitudinal perspective. Journal of research on Adolescence, 20(1), 39-64. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1532-7795.2009.00623.x
(4) Kakihara, F., Tilton-Weaver, L., Kerr, M., & Stattin, H. (2010). The relationship of parental control to youth adjustment: Do youths’ feelings about their parents play a role?. Journal of youth and adolescence, 39, 1442-1456. DOI 10.1007/s10964-009-9479-8
(5) Auxier, B., Anderson, M., Perrin, A., & Turner, E. (2020). Parenting approaches and concerns related to digital devices. Pew Research Center.
“Hello, i would like to know your opinion on how to teach respect to a twelve yr old girl. My daughter is an A student and is liked in school by friends and mothers and teachers, however when she is home she has episodes of rudeness to her mother and me and my answer would be soap in the mouth like my dad would have done to me, back then. I know we cant do that but controlling my feelings is difficult when she is so quick to answer back in a rude way to her parents who do everything for her, please help, thank you, Mark“
Dear Mark,
Many thanks for getting in touch. I have four teenagers, so I totally get you! Coping with rude tweens and teenagers is tough.
Your daughter is entering adolescence, and this means that she has started a process called ‘individuation’. This means that she is separating from you while getting closer to her friends. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you or that she doesn’t need you anymore. What it means is that sometimes she finds it difficult to manage this new stage of her life. Don’t take it personally. Her rudeness is not about you. It’s about her finding it difficult to manage her emotions.
Being rude during adolescence is ‘normal’, which doesn’t mean that it’s OK! Your role as parents is to teach her that it is not ok to be rude to you. Whenever she is rude, count to five and calmly say something like:
- “I just want to help you. Please say that again in a polite way so I can respond”
- “I am sure that you don’t want to be rude but the way it came out was really rude, can you think about it for a minute and say it in a nicer way?”.
- “The way you just talked to me was quite rude, shall we start this conversation again?’
It is very important that you say this in a calm and respectful manner. Think that you cannot ask for respect if you don’t respect her. Behave with her exactly how you want her to behave towards you. Doing this will not stop rudeness overnight but it will set the tone that you want to have in your house. If you are consistent and keep saying this every time she speaks to you in a rude way, she will change her tone.
You mention that your first reaction would be to wash her mouth with soap as your dad did to you. I totally get your point because it is difficult to break the patterns we grew up with, even if we know they are not right. But think that the important thing is not to escalate the situation and the best way to do so is to calmly but firmly, ask her to rephrase whatever she has said in a polite manner.
It is sometimes difficult as parents to keep our cool with our children. If you find yourself stuck in this situation, do get in touch with me. This is something we can work on in a few sessions.
I hope you find this information useful. I wish you and your family all the very best, Mark!
Ana
“My son he is 5 years 6 months old. He has problem in academics and he forgot his stuff at school”
I am sorry to hear you are worried about your son.
You mention that he forgot his stuff at school. I am not sure if this happened only once or if it is a regular occurrence. It is very common for children (especially as young as your son) to forget things. One thing that you can do is to create a timetable at home. Together, you can create one that is very ‘cool’ and stick on his bedroom wall. In this timetable, you can include everything he needs to do in the morning before going to school (e.g., brush his teeth, get his packed lunch, get his PE kit…) and you can include also what he needs to take home after school (e.g., musical instrument, football boots…). Look at it together every day so that he is clear on what he needs and bit by bit that routine will stick!
Regarding his academic problems, I would encourage you to have a meeting with his teacher to understand what is going on. Is he paying attention in class?; Is he doing his homework?; Is he happy at school?; Does he have friends?; Does he struggle to learn the content?; Are there any concerns that he might be dyslexic, dyspraxic…? Once you have a better idea of what is going on, you can devise a support plan for him.
Finally, make sure that he is getting enough sleep and that he has a consistent routine at home.
I hope this helps. Do not hesitate to get in touch with me if you need further support.
Love,
Ana
“My daughter with mental disorders has no interest in passing junior year, keeping grades up and isn’t concerned about her future. How do I help and avoid truancy?”
I am sorry that you are going through this. If I am not mistaken, junior year means that your daughter is 16 or 17, right?
In my experience, very few teenagers don’t really care about their grades. You mention that your daughter has mental disorders, so this could be playing a part. Have issues such as ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia…been ruled out? In addition, perhaps she has lost her self-confidence or she feels overwhelmed because she has fallen really far behind and doesn’t know how to get back on track.
The most important question is: Why is she getting bad grades? Students typically have poor grades because:
- They don’t understand the content.
- They lack the executive function skills needed to succeed at school (e.g., planning, organization…).
- There is something going on in his life impeding him to focus on schoolwork.
- They have mental health issues.
Have a chat with her and try to understand what is going on: Is she unhappy at school or at home?; Is she OK with his friends?; Does she feel supported? Did her bad grades started suddenly or did they develop over time? For this conversation to work you really need to make her feel that whatever she says you won’t get angry, that you are on her side, and that you want to help her.
You also need to talk with her teachers and include her in the conversations. It is important to include her because she needs to take an active role in her learning.
Also, with her teachers and with her, discuss her behaviour at school. Does she pay attention in class?; Does he do his homework?; Is she accepted in the peer group?; Are there any patterns on the feedback he gets from his teachers? (e.g., perhaps they all comment on their lack of understanding of concepts, or his poor writing skills….). It is also very important that with her and her teachers, you discuss the executive skills needed to do well in school. These skills involve planning, organization, being able to pay attention, or short-term memory. As you can tell, these skills are fundamental to succeed at school but very often teenagers don’t have them well established and may need support. You may find useful this article on executive function skills. With her teachers and her also discuss the truancy. Why is she missing school and what consequences can be established whenever this happens.
Also, you mention the mental health issues, so possibly she is seeing a mental health professional regularly? If this is the case, do have a chat with them and ideally set up a meeting between you, the teachers, and the mental health professional to devise a plan to best support your daughter. This plan should have very specific goals, be measurable, and be revised periodically.
I wish there was a recipe I could give that would sort it all out but sadly, things are never that simple. One important thing I want you to know is that your daughter’s poor grades are not a reflection of you as a mother. Do not measure your success based on your child’s achievements. It is also important that you take care of your own mental health. If you want further support, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
“I have a 13YR. old grandson living with me. I am struggling with getting him to school. There doesn’t seem to be an issues at school like bullying, at bedtime he says he is going but the next morning he won’t get up to go. He goes to bed at a good time but doesn’t always sleep well. There have been trauma issues but overall, it seems that he is doing good. There is something I recently came across called Failure to Launch. This seems to describe part of his behavior.”
I am sorry to hear you and your grandson are going through this.
First of all, I would recommend that you have a chat with him (maybe you have already done this) to try to understand what is going on. Is he struggling with schoolwork?; Is he OK with his friends?; Does he feel safe at school?; Why is he not sleeping well?…
I would also talk to his teachers to get a better understanding of what is going on. Does he look happy at school?; Does he have friends?; Is he doing well academically?; Is he paying attention in class?; Is he doing his homework?
Together with the school, you should devise a support plan for your grandson. For this plan to work, you may need to include an educational psychologist, a school counsellor or other health professionals that the school and you consider relevant.
Remember that to take care of your grandson you need to take care of yourself as well. If you want some 1:1 support, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me. We are here to help you.
Finally, you may find want to read more about this topic in this article by Lorraine Quinlan, one of our REC Parenting therapists.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Ana
What Are Developmental Milestones?
Developmental milestones (1) are things most children (75% or more) can do by a certain age. Skills such as taking a first step, waving, or smiling for the first time are examples of developmental milestones.
The most important reason for monitoring your child’s development is to determine whether they are on track. Most children reach developmental milestones at or about the same age. However, some children will reach the milestones sooner and others a bit later. The fact that your child may be reaching a milestone a bit later, does not necessarily mean that there is something wrong.
Developmental Milestones Most Children Reach at 2-Years-Old
Movement and Physical Milestones
- Walks (not climbs) up a few stairs with or without help
- Runs
- Eats with a spoon
- Kicks a ball
Cognitive Milestones (Learning, Thinking, and Problem-Solving)
- Tries to use buttons, knobs, or switches on a toy
- Plays with more than one toy at the same time (e.g., putting toy food on a toy plate)
- Holds something in one hand while using the other hand; for example, holding a cup and taking the lid off
Language and Communication Milestones
- Says at least two words together (e.g., ‘more water’).
- Points to things in a book when you ask (e.g., “Where is the car?”)
- Points at least two body parts when you ask him to show you
- Uses more gestures than just pointing and waving, like nodding yes or waving goodbye
Social and Emotional Milestones
- Looks at your face to see how you react in a new situation
- Notices when others are upset or hurt, like stopping or looking sad when someone is crying
Are You Worried About Your Child’s Development?
If your child is not meeting one or more milestones, has lost skills they once had, or you have any other worries, reach out to your doctor. Have a chat with them and ask for your child to have a developmental screening.
The American Academy of Paediatrics (AAP) recommends that children are screened using standardized validated tools at 9, 18, and 30 months or whenever a parent or provider is worried. It is also recommended that children are screened at 18 and 24 months for autism.
How Common Are Developmental Delays?
Developmental delays (2) are quite common. In the US, it is estimated that one in six children experience a developmental delay. A delay alone does not mean that there is anything wrong with the child. However, when there is an issue, intervening as early as possible can make a big difference.
We generally talk about developmental delays being specific or global:
- Specific: A child may have a delay in only one area, such as motor skills or language.
- Global: A child may have delays in many areas of development, such as motor skills and language at the same time.
The Sooner My Child Hits Developmental Milestones, the Better?
It is important to remember that childhood is not a race. Developmental milestones are designed to be helpful, not anxiety-inducing. Parents should think of developmental milestones as way to get information about their child but not as predictor, or as a competitive indicator of their ability. Childhood is not a competition!
Having said this, children need to be stimulated, receive attention, and love to fulfil their genetic potential. There is some evidence that hitting some developmental milestones early could indicate a high level of academic achievement or intelligence later in life.
What Activities Can You Do with Your 2-Year-Old?
- Involve them in household chores. They usually love to help! They can help setting the table, putting the laundry into the washing machine, and cleaning a floor.
- Help your child to share, take turns and deal with conflicts during playdates or with their siblings.
- Help your child to sounds words correctly.
A Note for Parents of Preterm Babies
Children born prematurely (3) (even those born in the late preterm period) have a higher risk of experiencing developmental delays. They are more likely to experience delays in language, motor, socioemotional, and cognitive domains.
The same tests (4) that are used to test children born to term are used to test children born preterm. The only difference is that when examining performance of preterm children to developmental norms, the age from their due date rather than birth date is generally used.
Many preterm children who experience some delays, catch up by the age of two or three years.
If you have a preterm child is a good idea to keep a close eye on their developmental milestones. Always talk to your doctor if you are concerned.
How Do I Keep Track of my Child’s Development?
The Center for Disease and Control Prevention (CDC) in the US has a very good milestone tracker app that you may find useful. It tracks your child’s milestones from age 2 months to 5 years.
How Are Developmental Milestones Decided?
The CDC, the World Health Organization, and the American Academic of Paediatrics (AAP) develop these guidelines (5) based on scientific research, large-scale studies, and clinical observations of child development.
Every so often, the checklists are reviewed and updated. This is why developmental milestones can change. For example, crawling used to be a developmental milestone at 9 months, but it is no longer considered one because many children never crawl, and it does not affect their development.
Finally…
I hope this information helps. The key message to remember is to keep an eye on your child’s developmental milestones while remembering that childhood is not a race! Milestones are meant to be informative and not to create anxiety. If you think that your child is not hitting a milestone, talk to your doctor.
If you have any questions or comments, do get in touch!
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Scharf, R. J., Scharf, G. J., & Stroustrup, A. (2016). Developmental milestones. Pediatrics in review, 37(1), 25-38.
(2) De Moura, D. R., Costa, J. C., Santos, I. S., Barros, A. J. D., Matijasevich, A., Halpern, R., … & Barros, F. C. (2010). Risk factors for suspected developmental delay at age 2 years in a Brazilian birth cohort. Paediatric and perinatal epidemiology, 24(3), 211-221. DOI: 10.1056/NEJM199402173300708
(3) Bucher, H., Killer, C., Ochsner, Y., Vaihinger, S., & Fauchère, J. C. (2002). Growth, developmental milestones and health problems in the first 2 years in very preterm infants compared with term infants: a population based study. European journal of pediatrics, 161, 151-156. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00431-001-0898-0
(4) Brothers, K. B., Glascoe, F. P., & Robertshaw, N. S. (2008). PEDS: developmental milestones—an accurate brief tool for surveillance and screening. Clinical pediatrics, 47(3), 271-279. https://doi.org/10.1177/0009922807309419
(5) Sheldrick, R. C., Schlichting, L. E., Berger, B., Clyne, A., Ni, P., Perrin, E. C., & Vivier, P. M. (2019). Establishing new norms for developmental milestones. Pediatrics, 144(6). https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2019-0374
The first few months of your baby’s life are fascinating. You will watch them change day by day. We have rounded ten simple infant activities that will help the development of your baby’s motor skills, language skills, and that will strengthen your bond.
1. Tummy Time
Tummy time (1) refers to placing the baby on their stomach while they are awake and somebody is watching them.
Tummy time is important because:
- It strengthens the baby’s neck, shoulders, and arms, in time allowing the baby to hold their head, sit up, crawl and walk.
- It improves the baby’s general coordination.
- It helps prevent flat spots on the back of the baby’s head.
You can start tummy time almost from birth. At the beginning you can place your baby on your chest. While your baby is on your chest, you can try singing, talking and touching him. As he grows you can place him on the floor. Get down to their level while you sing and talk to him. Place toys in view and encourage your baby to get them.
Babies benefit from having two or three short (3 to 5 minutes) tummy time session each day. By the age of three months, babies can have 15 to 30 minutes of tummy time each day.
Many babies hate being on their tummies. If this the case of yours, start by placing them on their tummies for very short periods, and gradually increase the time. And try to make it as fun as possible!
Remember not do tummy time just after a feed!
2. Mirror Play
Mirror play helps build self-awareness. Place yourself and your baby in front of the mirror. Pull silly faces, make facial expressions and name them (e.g., “Look, mummy is happy”), point and name body parts (e.g., “Where is your nose?”), and play peekaboo (e.g., “Where is the baby?”).
3. Peekaboo
Developmental psychologist, Dr Caspar Addyman conducted a study with around 1,500 parents and they found that peekaboo (alongside tickling) is the number one activity that makes babies laugh. Peekaboo is all about human connection. In peekaboo you are having a conversation with your baby. Your baby is learning to have a conversation with you. They are practicing their social skills, and they just love it. They love to have your undivided attention.
4. Finger Plays
Sing to your baby favourite old time songs such as “Wheels on the Bus”, “Bah, Bah, Blacksheep”, “Patty Cake” or “Where Is Thumbkin”. They all have hand and finger motions that go along with the song. Your baby will start copying those motions as soon as he is able to. Doing so, will help his motor skills, hand eye coordination, and language skills.
5. Reading
You can start reading to your baby almost from birth. Early reading dictates later vocabulary (2). The more words a baby hears, the more words he learns. When you read to your baby, not only they are learning new vocabulary, but you are also strengthening your bond and giving him your undivided attention. Infants like touch and feel books, chunky board books, and vinyl bath books.
6. Dance and Listen to Lullaby Songs
Research shows that listening to lullabies (3) helps babies to regulate their emotions, create a bedtime routine, and it promotes language development. Listening to lullabies also helps develop a bond between the parent and the baby and it passes on cultural traditions.
7. Water Fun
Most babies love being in the water. Whether they are having a bath or they are in a pool, use the time to play with water toys. Name body parts, demonstrate pouring, or the concept of ‘dry’ and ‘wet’. Add a mirror, read a bath book, or bring on the bubbles.
Never ever leave a baby unsupervised in the water. Babies drown very fast in a very small amount of water.
8. Explore Household Items
Everything is new for a baby, and this is why they love to explore the world. Anything from a muffin tin, a wooden spoon, a plastic cup, a laundry basket, or a piece of coloured paper, may be totally fascinating for them. Name the objects that your baby is playing with.
Tracking objects: Babies develop the ability to track objects (4) between two and six months of age. Their ability to track objects depend on the speed and the size of the object. Babies always prefer to look at human faces than to objects, so the more you and the rest of the family are around your baby, the better!
9. Baby Massage
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) claims that physical touch is essential for a baby’s emotional and health development. Baby massage (5) can reduce babies’ levels of stress hormones, encourage flexibility in their arms and legs, improve their sleep, and increase their body awareness. Massaging your baby after they have their bath, will help you to bond and will leave them feeling relaxed and loved. And if you do it while singing or talking to him, even better!
How Many Toys Does my Baby Need?
Not many! Consider that everything is new for a baby, so they will be equally fascinated by a muffin tin or a wooden spoon than by a shiny new toy. Do not feel the pressure to buy expensive new toys, because your baby does not really need them.
Will Screen Time Help my Baby’s Development?
Not really. Babies need human contact to thrive. There is no substitute for it. Research shows that neither the TV, an iPad, or an app, substitute human interactions. Human interactions are always better.
Is it OK for my Baby to Play While the TV Is On?
Background television (6) is not brilliant for children. It is best to avoid ‘technoference’ which is technology getting in the way of human interactions.
These are some things for infants to do. Do you have others that your baby love? Let us know which ones!
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Hewitt, L., Kerr, E., Stanley, R. M., & Okely, A. D. (2020). Tummy time and infant health outcomes: a systematic review. Pediatrics, 145(6). https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.2019-2168
(2) J., & Braungart-Rieker, J.M. (2005). Effects of shared parent-infant reading on early language acquisition. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 26, 2, 133-148 doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2004.12.003
(3) Sá, E., & Torres, A, (2019). The Effect of Lullabies on the Mother and on Copyright © 2019 Eduardo Sá and Ana Torres. Her Relationship with the Baby: an Exploratory Study. OA J Behavioural Sci Psych2019, 2(1): 180010.
(4) Chiang, W. C., & Wynn, K. (2000). Infants’ tracking of objects and collections. Cognition, 77(3), 169-195. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0010-0277(00)00091-3
(5) Savage, S. (2005). The benefits of infant massage: a critical review. Community Practitioner, 78(3), 98-102.
(6) Nichols, D.L. The context of background TV exposure and children’s executive functioning. Pediatr Res 92, 1168–1174 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41390-021-01916-6
A parent is struggling with their 15-year-old daughter’s unkind behavior, lack of apology, and issues like vaping and self-harm. They’ve tried counseling and are seeking practical advice but feel overwhelmed and fearful.
I am very sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult situation. I would like first to focus on you. Understandably, you are finding it very difficult to cope with. Therefore, I would strongly recommend that you have some counselling yourself and if your partner is up to it, you could do it together. A therapist will help you deal with your own emotions and thoughts, keep a strong co-parenting team, and they will work with you to create guidelines to manage your relationship with your daughter.
It is really good that your daughter is seeing the school counsellor every week. It would be a good idea for the counsellor to keep you informed about the progress she is making. If perhaps, the feeling is that your daughter needs further support, the counsellor could talk with her, given that they seem to have established a rapport. If there are concerns about her being autistic, perhaps the counsellor could discuss it with her, so she gets screened. The important thing is that your daughter works through the emotions she is experiencing. Remember that very often, the self-harm is not the problem, the problem is that she is not able to deal with her emotions. Understanding why she is feeling the way she does, and then teaching her to regulate those emotions in a healthy is very important.
I imagine that your daughter’s teachers know about what is going on at home. I would also encourage you to have regular meetings with her teacher, counsellor and your daughter to devise a plan to best support her. Ideally, you want to create a strong support system around her.
Finally, I know that it is incredibly hard for us when our kids say things to hurt us. Try to remember that those hurtful words your daughter is using are not about you at all. Teenagers often say those kinds of things when they have feelings they don’t know how to cope with. Whenever she says something hurtful, try not to give her a strong reaction and remain firm in your position.
I am very sorry that you are going through this and from here I send you love. At REC Parenting, we have wonderful therapists to support you through this situation. If you want, get in touch with me and we will start supporting you from day one.
I wish you and your family all the very best,
Ana
