“What is a fair division of labor in a marriage? pregnant with my first and don’t want to have our marriage break over how much work is about to come into it.”
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it is going well, and you are feeling strong.
This is a great question, and you are right to be concerned about it because your relationship will change once the baby arrives.
I don’t want to scare you, but research shows that the first year of your baby’s life is usually tough for the couple. There are two main reasons that explain why having a kid makes your marriage less happy. One, is lack of sex. New parents have less sex, and this can be a problem because sex makes us happy.
The second reason is the one you mention: fair division of labour. It is still the case, that in most heterosexual couples, it is the woman who does most of the childcaring and the housework. This is the case even in couples where both members work outside the home and even when the woman makes more money than the man. This lack of equality is dangerous because it brings unhappiness to women, and when this happens, the marriage is likely to struggle. When both parents share the load, the family does better.
So, it is very important that you divide the labour or the mental load, as it is usually called, in a way that you both think is fair. Because you also need to think that the mental load, the amount of things that you will need to do, gets way bigger once the baby is here.
How to plan a fair division of labour? This is what I recommend to my clients:
- Separately you both write everything that you do around the house. Identify all tasks, describe all steps there is to it (conceptualization, planning, and execution), how often you do them, how long they take, and how much you enjoy doing them. (e.g., grocery shopping: writing the list, going online, making sure the delivery slot works, and unpacking it once it is delivered. It takes me 40 minutes, I do it weekly and I enjoy moderately).
- Together discuss it and decide if so far you think the division of labour is fair.
- Make a list of all the things you need to start doing when the baby arrives (e.g., buying nappies, feeds, going for walks, doctor appointments, laundry, bath time, night feeds, sterilizing bottles….). Discuss how you are going to divide everything in a way that you both think is fair. Once the baby is here, you will probably need to adjust this list because there are things that you will have missed.
- See how it goes. At the end of every week, assess how things are going and if you need to change anything.
I know this may sounds obvious but do not stop talking to your husband. Don’t assume that he knows how you feel. Tell him how you feel, what is working and not working for you. The better you communicate, the more likely your marriage will be OK.
I would also like to tell you that you will have disagreements while raising your child (e.g., “You are being too lax”, “I don’t think it is right that you let him watch so much TV.”). This is totally normal, because we all have different opinions and values about how to raise our children. However much you disagree, always remember that you both want what is best for your child, even if that best sometimes looks different.
Do not underestimate how much your life will change once the baby arrives. If you need support at any point, do get in touch with me. I wish you and your baby all the very best in this beautiful journey you are about to embark.
These articles may be useful:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
How to Deal with Unsolicited Parenting Advice
All my love,
Ana
Being a parent carries a lot of mental load: “I must remember to make an appointment at the dentist for Joe”, “Mel needs to wear red socks to school tomorrow”, “It is Sophie’s birthday next week, I need to organize the balloons”, “ I need to leave work early on Thursday because it is Peter’s parents’ evening” and on and on it goes. The to-do list is never ending! This is the mental load of being a parent. It is described as the thinking, planning, scheduling, and organizing of family members, and the emotional labour associated with this work.
I am talking about the mental load of parents but to be fair, in most households this mental load is carried by mothers. It is not me saying this (don’t shoot the messenger), research shows that even when women work similar hours and earn the same or even more than their male partners, they still have a second shift taking care of the house and the children. Because usually when fathers help, they are doing just that: Helping. The woman is still the one that needs to keep all the balls in the air and ask for help.
I don’t want to sound like the grinch, but the reality is that during Christmas our mental load increases. And depending on how ‘seriously’ you take Christmas it can increase by a lot! Decorations, visiting family (and negotiating family politics and dynamics), organizing (and cooking) meals (considering dietary requirements of half the family), present-buying (don’t forget the wrapping), attending school nativities (for which you have hand-made the perfect shepherd’s costume all on your own and from scratch), organizing Christmassy plans, card-writing, and volunteering at the school’s Christmas fair … And you must do all these while juggling work, taking care of the kids (while they are on holidays), and don’t forget to enjoy yourself and be utterly happy and charming! For many families, financial issues can be an extra concern. It can be a lot, right?
If this is how you feel every single Christmas, my proposal to you for this year is to stop and think about your priorities. It is great that you want to create a special holiday for everyone around you, but you also need to enjoy yourself and if possible, get some rest. How do we do this?
- Learn to say NO. And say no without feeling guilty or bad. If you are asked to take things on that you simply don’t have the time for or don’t want to do, say so. Learning to say no is a skill that we all need to develop. The more you say it, the better you become at it!
- Think what is important for you and what is not. Ditch things that are not important. In my case, I totally refuse to write Christmas cards. Have never done it. I don’t want to spend hours on end writing, sticking, asking for addresses …
- Share the load with the rest of the family. And I mean sharing the load, not just simply asking them to help. Delegate tasks to other members of the family. However, this means that if you don’t like how they do it, you need to keep quiet!
- Stay away from social media. If you are feeling stressed those impeccably curated images of Christmas perfection will only make you feel worse. They are part of what makes us feel overwhelmed in the first place.
- Finally, the most important one: your children don’t need the perfect Christmas organized by the perfect but tired and stressed mum. Your children want to spend time with you, they want to laugh and play and chat. They don’t care if the decorations are absolutely perfect or how many Christmas cards you wrote. They won’t remember that. They will remember the good times they had with you during Christmas and that you made them feel loved and special. That is the meaning of Christmas.
Whatever you are doing over Christmas, we wish you and your family a wonderful time. At REC Parenting we will be here to support you, should you need it. Get in touch with us!
Much love,
Ana
