“How can I help and support my 12 year old daughter who presents with autism and diagnosed with dyslexia navigate/ regulate emotions, calm her nervous system, make logical decisions and learn social cues.”
Parenting a neurodivergent child can be challenging. And sadly, often the conventional parenting advice doesn’t help. Here are some techniques you may find useful:
- Name her feelings whenever she is having a big emotion. There is research showing that just by taking a moment to think and name what we are feeling (“name it to tame it”), we get more regulated. You can also ask her to rate from 1-5 how strongly she is feeling the emotion or to give her emotions a colour (e.g., very strong is a red, strong is a yellow, and light is a green). Get her to do this every time she has a big emotion.
- Discuss appropriate reactions to her emotions: once she understands what she is feeling, you can then discuss what reactions are OK and which ones are not. “I understand that you are feeling angry but hitting your brother is not OK. What can you do instead? Do you want to take five deep breaths until you calm down”. Strategies like: taking deep breaths, counting to 20, walking away from the situation, and having a calming place at home for when she needs it, will help her to calm down. Go through all of them, reflect on which ones are useful and which ones are not, and practice with her doing them whenever she has a big emotion.
- Discuss how her reactions affect other people: if for example, your child is very competitive and this is creating problems with other children because she yells at them whenever she loses a game, discuss with her why she cannot yell at the children. Make it clear that it is OK to feel angry, but the yelling is not OK. Then, discuss with her alternatives to manage her anger. She can choose from the strategies that we discussed in point 3.
- Together, identify her triggers: this way she will understand what situations trigger her, she can be prepared, and then she can regulate herself with one of the techniques I have already mentioned.
- Role play: this is a great way to support her emotional regulation skills and her social skills. If there are certain situations that usually trigger her, role play with her the situation and rehearse appropriate reactions. Consider which social situations make her anxious. For example, she may feel very nervous because she is having a sleepover with a friend. You could role-play the situation with her. You could be the friend, and she can be herself. You could pretend to have the sleepover from the moment she gets to the house, what they will do after, what happens when they finally go to sleep… This way she will feel more in control of the situation, and she can plan how to act, what to say, and she can identify when she will make more anxious.
These are just some techniques that you may find useful. Keep in mind that there are many others that I haven’t mentioned. Also, consider that no two neurodivergent children are the same, so take the techniques that resonate with you and ignore those that don’t.
I also really recommend the book Differently Wired by Debora Reber.
If you would like to discuss in more detail the strategies that would best work for your child, get in touch with me. Remember also to take care of yourself. At REC Parenting, we can support you and your child.
I wish you and your child, all the very, very best.
Love,
Ana
We’ve all been there: You are at the supermarket with your 2-year-old. He eyes the chocolate chip cookies. You are late to react and knows what is coming: A full-on meltdown in aisle 31 of the supermarket begins when you tell him he cannot have the cookies. After all, it is almost dinner time. Your fellow customers alternate between giving you the look of “What a bad parent” or “I totally get you, don’t worry”. What do you do? Do you carry your child kicking and screaming out of the supermarket or do you let him cry out for what seems like the longest time of your life?
Let’s look at the science behind tantrums.
What Is a Tantrum?
They are brief episodes of extreme and sometimes aggressive behaviours in response to frustration or anger. They usually include: Crying, hitting, throwing items, biting, pushing, going limp and breath-holding.
Why Do Tantrums Happen?
They happen because at this stage it is very difficult for your child to control their emotions. And at this age when they are happy, they are VERY happy and when they are angry, they are VERY angry. At this same time, children become more independent. Most of them can now walk around and with this newly gained physical independence, they want to be allowed to DO things. And when you tell them ‘NO’ the frustration begins. And because they cannot control that frustration and they don’t have the ability to tell you how they are feeling, the tantrum begins!
So… Can I Prevent Tantrums to Happen?
Good news- Yes! Tantrums happen because of hunger, tiredness, illness and frustration. Therefore, prevention is the best way to avoid them.
Some useful tips are:
- Establish a consistent routine so the child knows when it is time to go to bed, have a bath, eat, and play.
- Take snacks with you when you are out and about to avoid your child getting hungry.
- If possible, avoid ‘boring’ activities like going to the supermarket or to the post office around nap time or lunch time when your child is more likely to be cranky.
- Have toys at the ready so you can distract your child if he starts getting frustrated.
The Theory Is Great But I Could Not Prevent It and I Am Now Facing a Massive Tantrum: What Do I Do?
There is not much you can do once the tantrum starts. The best thing to do is to wait it out. Make sure your child is safe (they sometimes bang their heads against the wall or the floor), stay close but don’t do anything. Once they finish, wipe their tears and redirect their attention to another activity.
The acronym R.I.D.D. can help you handle tantrums (easier said than done, we know):
- Remain calm
- Ignore the tantrum
- Distract the child as soon as it is over
- Do make sure your child is safe but don’t give in to demands.
Do not give in. If you give into the tantrum, you are reinforcing the behaviour and your child will know that if he throws a tantrum, he will get what he wants. We know it may be painful to watch, but the best thing for your child is for you to wait until he is done.
My Child Is Approaching Two: How Often Can I Expect Tantrums to Happen?
Tantrums happen between the ages of two and three but may occur as young as 12 months. They happen in 87% of 18 to 24-month-olds, 91% of 30 to 36-month-olds, and 59% of 42 to 48-month-olds. They tend to occur once a day for around three minutes. There are no differences in the prevalence of tantrums by gender or ethnicity.
As the child grows and they learn to put their feelings into words, the frequency, length and severity of the tantrums decrease (don’t despair! -There is light at the end of the tunnel).
What About Tantrums In the Case of Neurodivergent Children?
Neurodivergent children may experience more frequent and aggressive tantrums because they usually have more difficulties expressing their feelings.
In the case of children with autism, it is important to differentiate between tantrums and meltdowns. A meltdown is more emotional, bigger, lasts for longer, and is more difficult to manage than a tantrum. A meltdown happens because a sensory or emotional overwhelm. It is a sign of distress that cannot be controlled by the child. Meltdowns may last for as long as 20 minutes and can happen at any age.
Like tantrums, meltdowns can be prevented by recognizing the triggers and using techniques like distraction and keeping a consistent routine. The most important thing to do in the case of a meltdown is to make sure your child is safe and cannot get hurt while it lasts.
Ok, I Understand How to Take Care of my Child During a Tantrum or a Meltdown But What About Me?
Tantrums and meltdowns can really push you to the limit. We are with you.
Try to remain as calm as you can. If you think you are going to lose it, make sure your child is safe and leave the room for a few seconds to calm yourself down. Another useful technique is to ring a friend and have a chat to distract yourself while making sure your child is safe. Or ask a neighbour to come in.
Toddlers can really push your buttons. Try to remain calm and not lose your patience. And remember, this phase won’t last forever even if sometimes it feels like it.
We hope you find this article useful. Remember to contact your REC Parenting therapist if you need support. For any questions or comments, do get in touch with us. We are here to support your and your family.
Love,
Ana
Photo credit Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash
