“Do you have advice on how to talk to kids so they listen?? I feel like my 11 year old is just become completely deaf to me in the past 6 months”
Welcome to the teenage years! It is not that your child has suddenly become deaf but that he is going through the process of individuation. He is separating from you and he is become closer to his friends and peers. The first years of adolescence can be particularly difficult because your relationship needs to evolve and adapt to your child’s evolving needs. This is what adolescence is all about.
It is normal to have moments when you find your teenager difficult. Consider that your child is separating from you, they are figuring out who they are, and where they fit in the world. It is a lot for them to take in! They are changing and therefore we must change with them and adapt to this new phase of parenting. When our children reach adolescence, our role needs to change from being a manager to being a consultant. Consider that both you and your child are going through a period of change, and change = stress.
If you feel your child is not listening to you, have a chat – a chat ,not a lecture – with him and together discuss about expectations. Tell your teen that you understand he is going through a lot but that you feel he is not listening to you, and this is not good for your relationship. Give him a couple of examples when you felt he did not listen, otherwise he may not know what you are talking about. Do not assume he knows how you feel, you need to tell him.
Talk to your teen about the importance of practicing mutuality. This means that relationships are not one sided. They are about giving and taking. This will help your relationship with them but also it will serve as a model for future relationships. It will not do them any good in their future relationships if they think that they are all about them.
I wish you both the very best.
Ana
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“Do you think that social emotional learning activities are still beneficial for teenagers?”
In general, social emotional learning activities can be beneficial for teens. Having said this, if your teenager is doing well, there is no need to engage in specific activities. If your teen is sleeping well, eating well, doing well at school, exercises, spends time with friends and family, and has no issues with screen time, I would not feel the need to engage in any specific activity.
I hope this helps and I wish you both the very best!
Ana
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“My daughter goes to a posh school and is pissed at me because I’m not getting her kids designer clothes like all the other parents. What do I do to explain it to her?”
I understand why you are finding this situation tricky. Your decision not to buy your daughter designer clothes may be down to finances but I imagine that it is also down to your values. If you firmly believe that teenagers should not have designer clothes, stick to your values. It is your daughter’s job to rebel against your decision, and it is your job to do what you think is best for her.
It is important that you raise your daughter according to your own values. And it is important that you transmit her those values and why you consider them important. Tell her. Explain to her that you don’t think it is good for teens to have designer clothes. Maybe you believe that wearing designer clothes do not make us better or worse. Or maybe it is that for you to be able to afford them, you would have to work longer hours, and you value the time you spend time together as a family. Or maybe it is that you believe that spending so much money in clothes is wrong. Whatever your reasons, explain them to her so she can understand. When your child understands your values, she is more likely to gravitate towards children who share the same values.
Or depending on your values, you could also her tell that you have nothing against her wearing designer clothes as long as she pays for them. You could tell her that if she wants them, she could find a job or use the money she may have saved to buy them.
This way she would learn the value of money.
It is important that the disagreement over this topic does not damage your relationship. So, be patient. Try to understand where she is coming from. I don’t think that your daughter is asking your for designer clothes because she is spoilt but because she wants to fit in with her peer group. Think that for children and especially teenagers, the most important thing is to fit in their peer group. This is why they all want to wear the same clothes, same hair style, they speak in a similar way, and they have similar interests. So, instead of thinking that your daughter is acting like a spoilt kid, think that she probably wants to fit in and not feel left out. Understanding where she is coming from, will help you be more patient. However, tell her that you are trying to understand her and that she should also try to understand where you are coming from.
I hope this helps! If you want to more support, please get in touch with me.
Love to you and your daughter,
Ana
