What makes us happy?  The Harvard Study of Adult Development ⁽¹⁾ has been trying to answer this question since the 1930s. Their findings suggest that the main predictor of happiness is…Having good relationships with other people. Romantic love and friendships.  

Romantic Love

Romantic love matters.  But not any kind of romantic love. One of the biggest predictor of happiness is to be involved in a long-term romantic relationship. But not just any kind of long-term romantic relationship. Long marriages are not beneficial per se. It must be a loving relationship. The key to happiness is not to fall in love but to stay in love.  

Couples who manage to stay in love are the ones who achieve what psychologists call ‘companionate love’. This love ⁽²⁾  is not dramatic. Is not based on highs and lows but on mutual understanding, commitment, and stable affection. This love is rooted in friendship. This is why it bring us happiness.  Being in a long marriage is beneficial for people who consider their spouse ⁽³⁾ as their best friend. These couples bring out the best in each other. They have fun with one another. They trust each other. They love each other deeply and unconditionally.  

Interestingly, long term companionate love is necessary but that alone won’t make us happy. People in happy romantic relationships still need friends. Indeed, a study ⁽⁴⁾ found that married people who had at least two close friends were the happiest. This could be because when we have close friends, we don’t expect our partner to be ‘our everything’. We realize that as much as we love them and they love us, we need other people. Romantic love does not cover all our social needs.  

The problem is that when we fall in love, this love consumes us, we only want to be with our loved one and we end up neglecting our friends (at least at the beginning). The belief that we must have a partner to be successful and happy, leads us to neglect our friends. Even though we desperately need them.  

Friendship

Having friends ⁽⁵⁾ is good for our mental and physical health. People who have friends are less likely to suffer from depression. They are also more likely to live longer.  People with no friends or not-very good friends are twice as likely to die early. It is worse for our health not to have friends than to smoke 20 cigarettes ⁽⁶⁾ per day (don’t start smoking now!). It is not clear why having friends is so good for our health. It seems that when we have friends, we manage stress in a more effective way. When something upsetting happens, we phone a friend, and we can feel our body calming down. When you have no one to call, your body keeps being stressed and over time, the different body systems get damaged.  

Sadly, even though we know how important it is to have friends, more and more people say that they feel lonely.  This is something that I see a lot in my work with parents. So many parents of young kids tell me that they have no tribe. They have no one close by to share the load with. This is a serious problem. Lonely people are more likely to have heart problems and die early ⁽⁷⁾ . It is estimated that loneliness increases the risk of early death ⁽⁸⁾ as much as 26%.  

It is not easy to make friends as adults. This is partly because no one taught us how to do it, and moreover we are not ‘programmed’ to do it because historically, there was no need for it. If you think about it, years and years ago, people lived surrounded by their extended family. As adults, they lived in the same community where they had grown up, so there was no need to make new friends. Your friends were just there. With the industrial revolution, when people started leaving their homes and moving to the cities, the issue of not having friends started. This issue is getting worse because we are creating a society where it is not easy to make friends or even talk to people. You need some sugar? You no longer ask your next-door neighbour as we used to, you ask Deliveroo. Waiting for the train? You don’t chat to the person next to you, you are listening to a podcast in your airpods.  

Acquaintances

This lack of casual chat with the neighbour or the butcher matters. It matters because connections with acquaintances ⁽⁹⁾ are also good for us. People are happier on days when they have more interactions with their acquaintances. Talking with strangers also improves our mental health. Often, we do not talk with strangers because we worry the conversation will be awkward, but it seems that we overestimate this worry. People tend to find chatting with strangers enjoyable and connecting. 

We must abandon the idea that in adulthood, friendships just happen. Friendships don’t just happen; we need to look for them and then work on them to maintain them. People ⁽¹⁰⁾ who think that friendships just happen are lonelier than those who believe that it takes work to make friends. If you want to have friends, you must take the initiative.  

You

But you know what is one of the most important factors to have friends and to be in a happy romantic relationship? To like yourself. To be friends with yourself. To believe that you are worthy of being liked and loved. There is a very interesting study ⁽¹¹⁾ where researchers asked couples to rate how much their partner liked them. How people thought their romantic partner viewed them, had nothing to do with how their partner actually viewed them. It had to do with how they viewed themselves. You need to love yourself, otherwise, you won’t realize that others love you. People who love themselves tend to think that others will like them. People who don’t like themselves, are more likely not to talk with others because they assume that they will not be interested in them.  

In this Valentine’s Day let’s spread our love to everyone around us. To our partner. To our friends. To the barista who sells us our coffee in the mornings. To the mothers at the school gate. To ourselves.  

References 

⁽¹⁾ Mitchell, J. F. (2004). Aging well: surprising guideposts to a happier life from the landmark Harvard study of adult development. American Journal of Psychiatry, 161(1), 178-179. 

⁽²⁾ Lemieux, R., & Hale, J. L. (2000). Intimacy, passion, and commitment among married individuals: Further testing of the triangular theory of love. Psychological Reports, 87(3), 941-948. https://doi.org/10.2466/pr0.2000.87.3.941 

⁽³⁾ Shawn Grover & John F. Helliwell, 2019. “How’s Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness,” Journal of Happiness Studies, vol 20(2), pages 373-390 

⁽⁴⁾ Birditt, K. S., & Antonucci, T. C. (2007). Relationship quality profiles and well-being among married adults. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(4), 595. 

⁽⁵⁾ Cable, N., Bartley, M., Chandola, T., & Sacker, A. (2013). Friends are equally important to men and women, but family matters more for men’s well-being. Journal of Epidemiol Community Health, 67(2), 166-171 

⁽⁶⁾ Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Med. 2010 Jul 27;7(7):e1000316. doi: 10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316. PMID: 20668659; PMCID: PMC2910600. 

⁽⁷⁾ Dyal, S. R., & Valente, T. W. (2015). A Systematic Review of Loneliness and Smoking: Small Effects, Big Implications. Substance Use & Misuse, 50(13), 1697–1716. https://doi.org/10.3109/10826084.2015.1027933 

⁽⁸⁾ Holt-Lunstad J. Loneliness and Social Isolation as Risk Factors: The Power of Social Connection in Prevention. Am J Lifestyle Med. 2021 May 6;15(5):567-573. doi: 10.1177/15598276211009454. PMID: 34646109; PMCID: PMC8504333. 

⁽⁹⁾ Schroeder J, Lyons D, Epley N. Hello, stranger? Pleasant conversations are preceded by concerns about starting one. J Exp Psychol Gen. 2022 May;151(5):1141-1153. doi: 10.1037/xge0001118. Epub 2021 Oct 7. PMID: 34618536. 

⁽¹⁰⁾ Newall, N. E., Chipperfield, J. G., Clifton, R. A., Perry, R. P., Swift, A. U., & Ruthig, J. C. (2009). Causal beliefs, social participation, and loneliness among older adults: A longitudinal study. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(2-3), 273–290. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509106718 

⁽¹¹⁾ Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (2000). Self-esteem and the quest for felt security: How perceived regard regulates attachment processes. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(3), 478–498. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.3.478 

In my therapy room, I often hear parent couples ask, “What happened to us? We used to be so relaxed and carefree!” Even the most solid relationships often struggle with the seismic shift that comes with introducing a baby into the family ⁽¹⁾. From practical challenges like getting enough sleep and navigating childcare, to differing expectations of each other now as partners. 

Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that relationship satisfaction can decrease after having children ⁽²⁾. As new parents we have far less access to the protective relationship factors that keep us feeling closely connected (think: time to chat, time to chill, time to have sex!) ⁽³⁾.

Regardless of how normal it is to find the transition from romantic couple to parent couple challenging, it is still a rarely spoken phenomenon. Social media is awash with lots of ways to compare yourself, and naturally we only see the smiling, happy family and couple photos. We know that if parents feel isolated and ashamed about their difficulties, they are less likely to seek help – which can make relationship challenges even worse. 

It has been said that nourishing your relationship alongside parenting reduces stress in the family ⁽⁴⁾. Relationships can endure higher levels of stress when they are fortified with mutual support and attention. 

But what does that mutual support and attention actually look like in the months and years of early parenthood?

Communicating Well

Good communication as a couple is essential. Whether this is coming together to make a game plan to tackle your baby’s new sleep schedule or taking time and space to really hear about what an experience has been like for your partner. Often, we can forget about how important the skill of listening is in communication. Good listening helps you to understand things from your partner’s point of view and is a solid predictor of relationship satisfaction ⁽⁵⁾. It might seem obvious, but to really be listening we often need to stop what we are doing and pay full attention to our partner’s words and body language. It’s easy to fall into the trap of half-listening while thinking about what you’ll say next, but true listening requires full attention.

The words we use also shape how we communicate. Using “I” statements helps prevent defensiveness and opens the door to understanding. Rather than blaming, describe how you feel and what you experience from your perspective.

Managing Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in relationships, and parenting adds new layers to it. Maybe you have different ideas about a parenting challenge or feel upset about an uneven share of household chores.

Research separates out destructive and constructive conflict ⁽⁶⁾. Destructive conflict typically involves personal attacks, a lack of resolution and resulting emotional distress. These are the fights when everyone feels hurt, and probably regrets something uttered in the heat of the moment. Constructive conflict, on the other hand, focuses on the issue at hand, shows mutual respect, and aims to solve the problem through compromise or collaboration. So, it is possible to argue well, but it’s not always easy to do so in the heat of the moment. A tip towards more constructive conflict is to always try to focus on the issue, not the person. 

Accepting Relationship Changes

I encourage parents to look at their lives as a couple as being in seasons. This introduces a way of accepting relationship changes (just like we accept the moving of seasons) and acknowledges that something that feels difficult now, will likely shift and change. 

It takes trust and a sense of vulnerability to open up to your partner about some of the ways that your relationship might have shifted since becoming parents. Trust can be harder to come by if we feel as though we are not on the same team. 

For some couples, it might be that discussing with an impartial professional such as in couples therapy is the right answer, for others improving communication and openness with each other bit by bit makes the difference. 

Rebuilding Protective Factors

Communication, intimacy and quality time together all take a hit when a baby is born, and it may feel like that ease of being with each other has gone out of the window. We tend to think about intimacy in relation to sexual intimacy, and of course that does play a role, but intimacy and sex are different things. 

Physical connection can come in many forms, like hugs or kisses, and small gestures—like buying your partner’s favourite treat—can keep emotional closeness alive.

It can be really difficult between nappy changes and other care commitments to communicate about how you are feeling. This can add to a feeling of distance between each other. It can be helpful to set aside time to talk, share an activity and connect ⁽⁷⁾ . If a “date night” just feels too out of reach at the moment, I often suggest that couples commit to just one moment in the week (a quiet evening cooking dinner, Saturday afternoon walk with the buggy) where they can commit to talking and listening to each other. 

About the Author

Dr. Naomi is a Clinical Psychologist with over 12 years experience of working in mental health settings. She works in private practice in Amsterdam supporting parents in the ‘perinatal period’- from pregnancy to childbirth and all aspects of the transition to parenthood.  She is particularly interested in the ways that couple relationships shift and change (for better or worse!) once kids come along, and recently launched Stick Together- Conversation Cards for New Parents, which are a set of 40 beautifully designed question cards crafted to bring partners closer together, as they navigate parenthood. Buy them now!

References

^{(1) Doss, B. D., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An 8-year prospective study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 96(3), 601–619. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0013969}

^{(2) Karimi, R., Bakhitoyari, M., Arani, A. M. (2019). Protective factors of marital stability in long-term marriage globally: a systematic review. Epidemiol Health. doi: 10.4178/epih.e2019023}

⁽³⁾ Twenge, J. M., Campbell, W. K., & Foster, C. A. (2003). Parenthood and Marital Satisfaction: A Meta-Analytic Review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 574–583. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2003.00574.x

⁽⁴⁾ Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2008). And Baby Makes Three:The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance after Baby Arrives. New York: Harmony Press

⁽⁵⁾ Walker, S.A., Pinkus, R.T., Olderbak, S. et al. People with higher relationship satisfaction use more humor, valuing, and receptive listening to regulate their partners’ emotions. Curr Psychol 43, 2348–2356 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-023-04432-4

⁽⁶⁾ Gao, M., Du, H., Davies, P.T. and Cummings, E.M. (2019), Marital Conflict Behaviors and Parenting: Dyadic Links Over Time. Fam Relat, 68: 135-149. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12322

⁽⁷⁾ Anderson, S. A., Russell, C. S., & Schumm, W. R. (1983). Perceived marital quality and family life-cycle categories: A further analysis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 45(1), 127–139. https://doi.org/10.2307/351301