Announce that you are expecting a baby and get prepared to receive parenting advice. A lot of it. A lot of it will be unsolicited advice. Everyone has an opinion on parenting. Get ready!
You must decide which parenting advice to listen to and which to ditch. You must decide who to listen to and who to ignore. As a child psychologist and as a mum of four, here are the 12 parenting advice tips that I strongly believe that every parent should be aware of.
1. The Perfect Parent Does Not Exist
This is probably the most important parenting advice for new parents. We all come to parenting thinking that we will be the perfect parent. A mix between Mary Poppins and Maria Von Trapp. But the reality is that the perfect parent does not exist. We all fail at times even though we adore our children. The sooner we accept it, the better we will be able to cope with parenting. Instead of trying to be the perfect parent, adopt the good enough parenting approach (1). This approach was first quoted by psychologist Donald Winnicott. It means accepting that we will make mistakes and that it is OK. Do not forget that perfect parenting is the enemy of good parenting. Children do not need us to be martyrs.
2. You Will Change. Big Time!
Becoming a parent is a deeply transformative experience. Your body changes, your identity changes, your priorities change, your relationship changes… Yet there is a pressure to bounce back. To come back to our old self. And fast. But why? Why do we need to go back to our old self if we are totally different? Ditch the pressure to bounce back and instead embrace and accept this new stage of your life. This process is called ‘matrescence’ (2) and was first quoted in mid 1970s by anthropologist Dana Raphael.
3. Do Not Compare Yourself to Others
It is in our nature to compare ourselves to others. This is called social comparison (3). However, it does not mean that because it is ‘normal’, it is necessarily good for us. Social comparison for new parents can be particularly bad. If you find yourself comparing yourself to other new parents often thinking that they do it better than you, that they can cope better than you, that their children are better behaved than yours, or that their homes are better organized than yours, it is time to stop it. Try to focus on yourself and your child. Ignore everything and everyone that is not supportive. Better to ignore Instagram with all those perfectly curated images of perfect families with perfect babies in perfect homes.
4. People Rarely Say the Truth About Their Parenting
Most parents do not love every single moment of parenting (4). They love their children to bits, but they may hate playing with them, taking them to the park may feel incredibly boring, or they may find bedtime profoundly tiring. If you feel this way, it is OK. It does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a human being. Whatever you feel regarding your kids, is totally OK. What may be a problem is what you do with those feelings. Feeling anger towards your child is not a problem. What is a problem is hitting your child when you feel angry. Whatever you are going through, I can assure you that most people have experienced it. Just because people do not talk about it does not mean they are not feeling it.
5. Parent the Child You Have, Not the One You Dreamt Of
While in the process of becoming a parent, we ‘dream’ of the child we will have. Depending on your values and goals, you may dream (5) of a sporty child, an academic child or a very musical child. However, you may get a totally different child. Sometimes it can be tough to get to terms with it. Realize that your child is their own person and accept them as they are.
6. You Need Your Tribe
Parenting was never meant to be done alone. Parenting alone (6) is hard. Very hard. So many parents feel lonely these days that it seems that loneliness is an inherent part of parenthood. But this is a lie. The problem is that we have created a society that does not facilitate human relationships, and it is not supportive of parents and their children. If you are feeling lonely, try finding your tribe at the school gates, work, the park, extracurricular activities, volunteering groups or places of worship. I know it can be hard but it’s worth trying. If you want to learn more on this topic, I recommend you read “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Make You Make and Keep Friends” by Dr Marisa G. Franco.
7. If Feels Slow But It Goes By Really Fast
When I was a mum of four little boys, I remember people telling me: “Make the most of it because it goes so fast”. I had moments when all I could think was: “So fast??? I wish!!!!!”. Some days felt never ending and so tedious. As the years went by, I understood that days pass reeeeeeeally slowly, but the years go by so fast. My boys are now teenagers and young adults. Whereas I love the stage we are at, I do miss so many things of those early days and years with them.
8. Be the Parent
Most parents these days want to be close to their kids. This is brilliant because we know that when children have a warm relationship with their parents, they tend to do better. But some parents are mistaking being close to their kids with being their friend. Remember that you are not your child’s friend. Your child will hopefully have many friends through their life, but they need a parent. They need you to be the parent. They need you to set up a routine, clear limits, and expectations. They need you to tell them off when they do something wrong and to guide them through life. They need you to love them unconditionally. You can be close to your child and still act as a parent.
9. Parenting Is Not a Job But a Relationship
When we talk about parenting, we often focus on the things we do: How to make our baby sleep, how to stop our children fighting, how to support our child to do well in school… But let’s not forget that above everything parenting is a relationship. A relationship between a parent and a child. The most important thing for a child’s development is to have a safe, caring, stable and loving relationship with their parent or caregiver. Let’s focus on this. This is what matters.
10. Your Job Is Not to Make Your Child Happy
Your job as a parent is to provide your child with the tools to manage any situation life throws at them. If our goal is to make our children happy, we are implicitly telling them that they can only be happy. That they are expected to be happy. That having any other emotion is not acceptable. Let’s teach our children that life is not always easy and that there will be many moments when they will not be happy and that is OK. Let’s focus on raising emotionally competent children rather than focusing on raising happy children. You can read more on this topic here.
11. The Parenting Industry Is Massive, Be Street Savvy
The parenting industry represents more than a $1 trillion market in the United States alone. This means that there are a lot of companies trying to sell you stuff. Whether you truly need it or not. From booster seats, high chairs, baby toys, strollers, playpens, and white noise machines, to baby books, sleep experts, and lactation consultants. Make sure you think carefully about the products you buy, the experts you listen to, and whose guidelines you follow. If you want to read more about this topic, you will find this article useful.
12. Knowledge Is Power
Parents often tell me: “Oh I wish I’d known that before!”. And the truth is that research shows that when parents have information about child development and parenting, they enjoy parenting more and feel more confident. So, try to learn about child development. By doing this, you will be able to understand your child better. You will be able to adjust your expectations of what your child can and cannot do depending on the developmental stage they are in. It will also allow you to make decisions that will not only impact your child but your finances. For example: ‘Do I really need a white noise machine?” or “Should I hire a lactation consultant?”. However, remember not to go overboard with it. Too much information (7) can make you feel overwhelmed and confused. Choose a few experts you trust and who share your values.
We know that being a parent is not easy. It involves a lot of emotions, planning, resources, stress, happiness, worry… And everything in between! We all want to do what is best for our children but sometimes it is difficult to know what is best and how to achieve it.
This is why I created REC Parenting. For you to ask any questions you have, knowing that we have the latest information 100% science based. Knowing that we have the best qualified experts. Knowing that whether you have the odd parenting question here and there or whether you need long-standing mental health support, we are here for you.
If you are not yet a REC Parenting member, join us. If you do not feel like paying for a subscription because you only want a session to discuss a specific issue, get in touch with me. We are here for you. With no judgement and no agenda. All the way.
Lots of love,
Ana
References
(1) Ramaekers, S., Suissa, J. (2012). Good Enough Parenting?. In: The Claims of Parenting. Contemporary Philosophies and Theories in Education, vol 4. Springer, Dordrecht. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-94-007-2251-4_4
(2) Orchard, E. R., Rutherford, H. J., Holmes, A. J., & Jamadar, S. D. (2023). Matrescence: lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in cognitive sciences, 27(3), 302-316.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.12.002
(3) Suls, J., Martin, R., & Wheeler, L. (2002). Social comparison: Why, with whom, and with what effect?. Current directions in psychological science, 11(5), 159-163.https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00191
(4) Featherstone, B., & Hollway, W. (Eds.). (2002). Mothering and ambivalence. Routledge.
(5) Cichy, K. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., Davis, E. M., & Fingerman, K. L. (2013). “You are such a disappointment!”: Negative emotions and parents’ perceptions of adult children’s lack of success. Journals of Gerontology Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences, 68(6), 893-901.
(6) Nowland, R., Thomson, G., McNally, L., Smith, T., & Whittaker, K. (2021). Experiencing loneliness in parenthood: a scoping review. Perspectives in public health, 141(4), 214-225. https://doi.org/10.1177/17579139211018243
(7) Glatz, T., & Lippold, M. A. (2023). Is more information always better? Associations among parents’ online information searching, information overload, and self-efficacy. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 47(5), 444-453. https://doi.org/10.1177/01650254231190883
There is a lot of noise in the parenting space. A lot of parenting experts, a lot of trends, a lot of influencers, a lot of scripts, a lot of tips, and a lot of advice. There are psychologists, coaches, experts, counsellors, and influencers… All these make it very difficult to know who to trust and what advice to follow.
Here are six useful tips you may find useful when deciding who to trust:
1. Check Experts’ Credentials:
When looking for parenting advice , trust developmental psychologists, child psychologists, clinical psychologists, educational psychologists, counsellors, and qualified coaches. If you or your child are having any kind of therapy, make sure the professional you are seeing is accredited by a regulatory body. This depends on their specific field. If you live in the UK, it is always a good idea to check that professionals are accredited by the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), the UK Council of Psychotherapy (UKCP) or the Health and Care Professions Council (hcpc).
Be mindful that some areas within the parenting field are not regulated at all. For example, anyone can call themselves a sleep expert. Doulas are also unregulated.
It is also a good idea to examine experts’ work experience, awards they may receive, and accolades. It is also important that the ‘experts’ stays up to date with the latest research. Many professional organizations require refreshers courses to make sure that their members stay on top of the latest research and give you up to date advice. For example, when I had my first son 20 years ago the recommendation was for babies to sleep on their side. By the time, I had my youngest son, the recommendation had changed to babies sleeping on their backs to reduce the risk of infant sudden death syndrome. Had my paediatrician not been up to date with the latest research, I wouldn’t have known.
Make sure that the expert’s experience is relevant for the topic at hand. For example, I am a developmental psychologist, but I couldn’t advice you on issues relating to breastfeeding or weaning. Those topics are outside my scope of practice. To deal with those issues, I would refer you to a lactation consultant. Beware of people who act like they are experts on everything. The parenting field is vast, and no one knows about absolutely everything.
2. Do Not Trust Parenting Experts Who Talk in Absolutes:
Absolutes are great for clickable headlines. Absolutes make us feel safe. But it isn’t how science works. Science is complex and full of nuances. Beware of ‘experts’ who make statements such as: “Doing x will run your child’s live”, “This is what you need to make sure your child sails through school”, or “Daycare is bad”.
Now, there are a few things about parenting that we can say with 100% certainty. We can say with certainty that it is never good to hit a child, that it is very important to have a warm relationship with your child, or that all children need limits and boundaries. But more often than not, the parenting field is complex, and difficult to study. This means that for the most part we cannot talk in absolutes. Look for experts who address nuance, admit uncertainty, and use qualifiers. How does this look like? Doing this will make their claims less ‘clickable’ and ‘marketable’ but it is a sign that you can trust them.
3. Do Not Trust Parenting Experts who Base their Advice on their Own Experience:
This may not be a popular opinion but being a mother does not qualify anyone to give parenting advice. The same way that knowing how to drive does not qualify me to be a driving instructor. Being a mother qualifies you to say what worked for you. But it does not qualify anyone to give advice.
4. Do Not Get All your Parenting Advice from Social Media:
There are very good social media accounts providing great parenting advice and information, but there are also accounts providing really bad, and sometimes even dangerous, advice. A lot of advice given by influencers and content creators is not based on science, and sometimes even when it’s science-based it is not reported correctly. Make sure you are following reputable professionals and news outlets. Check their credentials, their sources, and always verify their claims.
5. Do Not Trust Parenting ‘Fear-Mongering’ Experts:
There are many parenting experts out there doing fantastic work and with a true passion to help parents. However, others use parents’ worries and fears to their advantage to sell them products that parents don’t really need. Beware of experts creating fear and worry. As parents we feel enough pressure, worry, guilt and judgement, we do not need experts to make us feel worse.
6. Do Not Lose Sight About How Much Parents Influence their Children:
We have been made to believe that as parents every single decision we make could ruin our children. This is not true. It is safe to say that our children’s long-term development will not be meaningfully affected by the educational apps they play with, the timing of potty training, and whether they are swaddled as babies or not. What matters most for our children’s development is to have a warm, loving, safe, stable, consistent relationship with their parents.
So, tune out parenting advice that does not really matter and focus on advice that helps you develop a strong bond with your child. If for example, you struggle to control your anger, or to set limits and boundaries with your children, or have trouble setting a clear routine for your children, it is definitely worth seeking advice and support. Because those things matter for your child. Agonizing over methods of weaning, or whether you should co-sleep or not, does not really make much sense because it will not make a big difference to your kids.
I hope you find this information useful. At REC Parenting we focus on giving you advice and information that matters to you and your child. We ignore advice that is simply not important because our aim is to make your life easier and not more complicated. If you are struggling with mum guilt, your mental health, setting limits, feelings of burn out… We are here for you. Get in touch here and we will set up a 1-2-1 session to discuss your needs.
Love,
Ana
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