“What is a fair division of labor in a marriage? pregnant with my first and don’t want to have our marriage break over how much work is about to come into it.”
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope it is going well, and you are feeling strong.
This is a great question, and you are right to be concerned about it because your relationship will change once the baby arrives.
I don’t want to scare you, but research shows that the first year of your baby’s life is usually tough for the couple. There are two main reasons that explain why having a kid makes your marriage less happy. One, is lack of sex. New parents have less sex, and this can be a problem because sex makes us happy.
The second reason is the one you mention: fair division of labour. It is still the case, that in most heterosexual couples, it is the woman who does most of the childcaring and the housework. This is the case even in couples where both members work outside the home and even when the woman makes more money than the man. This lack of equality is dangerous because it brings unhappiness to women, and when this happens, the marriage is likely to struggle. When both parents share the load, the family does better.
So, it is very important that you divide the labour or the mental load, as it is usually called, in a way that you both think is fair. Because you also need to think that the mental load, the amount of things that you will need to do, gets way bigger once the baby is here.
How to plan a fair division of labour? This is what I recommend to my clients:
- Separately you both write everything that you do around the house. Identify all tasks, describe all steps there is to it (conceptualization, planning, and execution), how often you do them, how long they take, and how much you enjoy doing them. (e.g., grocery shopping: writing the list, going online, making sure the delivery slot works, and unpacking it once it is delivered. It takes me 40 minutes, I do it weekly and I enjoy moderately).
- Together discuss it and decide if so far you think the division of labour is fair.
- Make a list of all the things you need to start doing when the baby arrives (e.g., buying nappies, feeds, going for walks, doctor appointments, laundry, bath time, night feeds, sterilizing bottles….). Discuss how you are going to divide everything in a way that you both think is fair. Once the baby is here, you will probably need to adjust this list because there are things that you will have missed.
- See how it goes. At the end of every week, assess how things are going and if you need to change anything.
I know this may sounds obvious but do not stop talking to your husband. Don’t assume that he knows how you feel. Tell him how you feel, what is working and not working for you. The better you communicate, the more likely your marriage will be OK.
I would also like to tell you that you will have disagreements while raising your child (e.g., “You are being too lax”, “I don’t think it is right that you let him watch so much TV.”). This is totally normal, because we all have different opinions and values about how to raise our children. However much you disagree, always remember that you both want what is best for your child, even if that best sometimes looks different.
Do not underestimate how much your life will change once the baby arrives. If you need support at any point, do get in touch with me. I wish you and your baby all the very best in this beautiful journey you are about to embark.
These articles may be useful:
Matrescence: Are We Finally Understanding Motherhood?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
Parenting Experts: How to Decide Who to Trust
How to Deal with Unsolicited Parenting Advice
All my love,
Ana
