“My adult daughter used to be estranged but now we’ve worked to low contact. But she didn’t acknowledge Mother’s Day at all this year, even though we are talking again and I can’t believe she would disrespect me like that when she’s come so far recently”
I am glad to hear that you and your daughter are working on your relationship and that it is getting better. I understand that you find upsetting her forgetting Mother’s Day but perhaps she was not trying to disrespect you, perhaps she is not ready yet to celebrate Mother’s Day. Or could it simply be that she forgot it was Mother’s Day? Don’t just assume her motives. Sometimes we get into the habit of imagining other people’s thoughts and feelings, but we never check with them if what we are imagining is the reality. Try to be optimistic about her intentions and feelings. You have the power to choose how you think.
Very often, when we have problems with someone, we want to understand the why. “Why did my daughter not acknowledge Mother’s Day?; “Why did she do this or that?”. This is something that we all do because we need explanations, we crave a narrative to make sense of what is going on. But asking yourself ‘why’ is not that useful. Instead ask yourself ‘how?’. “How does the relationship with your daughter make you feel?”, “How can you make it better?”, “How do you argue with her? Is it constructive?’. At the end of the day, try to focus on the things you can control: your own emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
You have two options here. You can choose not to say anything to her and work through your emotions so this pain you are feeling does not damage the work you both are doing. Or you could tell her that it was painful for you not to celebrate Mother’s Day with her. If you tell her, do it in a kind and respectful way. Do not attack her. Try to understand her point of view and listen to what she has to say.
If you would like the support of our mental health professionals to work through this difficult situation, get in touch with me. We are here to help.
I wish you all the very best and I do hope you manage to have a relationship that works for you both.
Lots of love,
Ana
