If you are in social media and follow ‘mumfluencers’ or any parenting accounts, for sure you must have heard of gentle parenting. You may swear by it, you may hate it, or you may not be sure about what it really means.  

Whatever your feelings towards this popular parenting style, do you really know what the research says about it?  

We explain everything you need to know about gentle parenting.  

Who Came Up with Gentle Parenting? 

British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith introduced the term ‘gentle parenting’ in 2015. Since then, gentle parenting took a life of its own on social media and You Tube, fuelled by ‘parenting experts’ and ‘mumfluencers’.  

At the time of writing this article, a Google search on ‘gentle parenting’ generates 1.68 million hits and around 850,000 hits in Instagram.  

Do you know how many scientific articles are there on gentle parenting? One. Just one.  

So, I wonder… All this advice that parents are getting is based on… what evidence exactly?  

From a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children.  

What Does Gentle Parenting Mean? 

Gentle parenting does not really have an official doctrine. Ockwell-Smith defines it as a ‘mindset’ and a ‘way of being’ with an ‘emphasis on your child’s feelings’. 

These are considered its four main tenets: 

1. Empathy: Parents should always acknowledge their children’s feelings.  

2. Respect: Children deserve the same respect as adults.  

3. Understanding: Parents’ expectations of their children should be in line with their children’s developmental stage. 

4. Boundaries: Parents should establish boundaries to foster a stable, healthy, and loving environment for their children.  

In terms of discipline, a gentle parent never uses rewards and punishments. Instead, they validate their children’s feelings. They always try to understand their child’s motivations when they misbehave.   

You may be thinking: “What’s not to like about this? I agree with those four points”. As a principle, I agree too. But parenting is not that easy. Let me explain my reservations about gentle parenting.  

There Is No Scientific Research on Gentle Parenting  

I cannot emphasize enough that there is no scientific research examining gentle parenting. Researchers have not examined how children raised by gentle parenting do in comparison with children who are not raised by gentle parents.  

At the time of writing this article (November 2024) there is only one study examining gentle parenting. This study ⁽¹⁾ examined 100 parents in the US with at least one child aged between 2 and 7 years old. Almost half of them (N = 49), identified themselves as gentle parents. They reported high levels of parenting satisfaction and felt competent to raise their children. However, some of them were very critical of themselves and did not feel as competent. One third of those who identified as gentle parents, reported high levels of parenting uncertainty and burnout.  

What does this study tell us? That whereas some parents are doing OK following the gentle parenting guidelines (although it is not clear what this means), other parents may be finding gentle parenting too demanding.  

In sum, we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for children because no studies have examined it. And we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for parents because we only have one study examining it. There is simply no data.  

Most parenting styles (e.g., gentle parenting, lighthouse parenting, dolphin parenting, tiger parenting…) are not based on scientific evidence. They are created by influencers, social media, and the press.  

In contrast, there is plenty of research on the four traditional parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. There is also decent research on helicopter parenting.  

I Have More Reservations on Gentle Parenting 

I find it incredibly judgemental.

Gentle parenting followers advocate that theirs is the only way to raise emotionally competent children. Really?  What about the millions of emotionally competent people who were not raised by ‘gentle parents?’.  Moreover, no one wants to be defined as ‘ungentle’, right? So, by default If I say that I am not a gentle parent, does this mean that I am so kind of unsensitive, harsh mother?  

It Is a Form of Intensive Parenting.

We do not generally consider gentle parenting as a form of intensive parenting but from my perspective, we should. Why? Because it considers that parents have a lot of influence on how children turn out to be, it is very much child-centred, and it ignores parents’ needs (more on this later). 

Advocates of gentle parenting argue that when our child is misbehaving, throwing a tantrum or needs us, we must always be there for them. This sounds fantastic in an ideal world, but I don’t think is neither realistic nor a valuable lesson for our children. First, you are giving your child the idea that everything revolves around them. Not true. Second, when we drop everything whenever our children need us, we are not teaching them to wait or to self-regulate. Finally, intensive parenting is negative for parents’ mental health ⁽²⁾. 

Is Gentle Parenting Really Helpful?

Gentle parenting tells you how to react to your child’s behaviour. (e.g., “I understand you don’t want to put your shoes on, but we need to go to school. I know you are finding it hard.”). What if my child doesn’t change his behaviour at that time? If my child doesn’t choose to put his shoes on, what do I do then? Do I keep repeating the same line, over and over? Am I meant not to take him to school?  

It Seems that Parents Go from Gentle Parenting to Permissive Parenting.

Probably because it is difficult to discipline children following the gentle parenting advice, it seems that parents may end up not enforcing clear rules to their children.  

It Makes All Emotions Equally Important.

Gentle parenting dictates that we should always discuss and validate our children’s feelings. The issue is that when we validate every single feeling that our child is having, we are making them equally important. I am not saying that you should ignore your child’s emotions. I am totally up for discussing my kids’ emotions when they come back from school being upset or when they are lashing out at their sibling constantly.  What I am saying is that discussing for 15 minutes in the morning why your child does not want to put their shoes on, may be going too far. Sometimes, children need to do things because that is how life works.  

My Main Concern Has to Do with How Gentle Parenting Relates to Parents’ Own Wellbeing 

Given that there is no data on how gentle parenting relates to parents’ wellbeing, we can only rely on anecdotal evidence. Based on what parents are saying on social media and the press, it seems that gentle parenting sets unrealistic expectations for parents, especially for those who take it to the extreme.  

I totally agree with gentle parenting telling not to use any forms of physical discipline with their children. There is a lot of research showing that physical discipline is not beneficial for children. However, expecting parents never to lose their cool, never to yell in frustration when they have asked their children 33 times to brush their teeth is totally unrealistic. Moreover, research shows that occasional yelling is not linked with negative outcomes for children.  

Even more, modelling to our children that we should never lose our cool, that we never yell, that we are always composed, is giving them an unrealistic view of how people behave. Our role as parents is to teach our children how to deal with their own negative emotions and with the negative emotions of those around them. We fail to do that when we never show them that we also get it wrong, that we make mistakes, and that we sometimes lose our cool.  

If There Is No Scientific Evidence, Why Do Parents Adopt the Gentle Parenting Approach? 

It is not clear, but it has been speculated that gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents themselves were raised. Millennial parents were raised in a more authoritarian manner, and they are adopting gentle parenting as a reaction. Indeed, in a 2023 Pew Research Center report ⁽³⁾, 44% of parents said they wanted to raise their children differently to how they were raised. They wanted to be less punitive and more gentle.  

Gentle parenting may simply be a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations. This is not new. Through generations, parents have gone from being told to treat their kids like adults (Watson in the 1920s), to move away from harsh parenting (Dr Spock in the 1940s) to the very intensive way we are raising our kids these days. The difference is that until recently, parenting advice always came from scholarship. New parenting styles, like gentle parenting and the others we have already mentioned, seem to come from the media.  

A Final Word 

In general, I don’t like labelling parenting styles. Other than the four traditional parenting styles, I don’t think they are useful.  

Ultimately, we must remember that parenting is not about ‘producing’ a child. Our focus when raising our children, should be to create a strong, solid relationship with them. That is the most important predictor for our children’s wellbeing. Any parenting style, such as gentle parenting, that completely ignores parents’ needs and focuses solely on the needs of the child, is doing parents and children a disservice.  

And please, try as hard as you can to ignore Instagram posts promoting gentle parenting. They are usually high on shame induction and low on nuance.  

I hope you find this article useful. If you have questions or comments, please do get in touch with me.

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References 

⁽¹⁾ Pezalla AE, Davidson AJ (2024) “Trying to remain calm. . .but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLoS ONE 19(7): e0307492. https://doi.org/ 10.1371/journal.pone.0307492  

⁽²⁾ Rizzo, K.M., Schiffrin, H.H. & Liss, M. Insight into the Parenthood Paradox: Mental Health Outcomes of Intensive Mothering. J Child Fam Stud 22, 614–620 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9615-z 

⁽³⁾ Minkin R, Horowitz JM. Parenting in America Today. 

Traditionally, the field of psychology talks about four parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive,and neglectful. More recently, other parenting styles, such as helicopter parenting, gentle parenting, attachment parenting, or free-range parenting have emerged.In this article, we are going to explain what the research says about helicopter parents and how they influence their children.

In this article, we are going to explain what the research says about helicopter parents and how they influence their children. 

Are You a Helicopter Parent?

Helicopter parents ⁽⁴⁾ tend to:

• Fight their child’s battles: They involve themselves too much in their children’s lives. 

• Do their child’s homework: In their quest to help their child, they may end up overstepping. 

• Keep close tabs on their children: They may know or attempt to know everything about their child.
• From romantic relationships, friendships, to life at school. 

• Be very concerned about safety: Parents may monitor their teenager’s phone and know where their child is at all times through their device. 

• Blame others for their child’s failures: Helicopter parents may blame the teacher when the child has poor grades.

• Put a lot of pressure on their child: They tend to expect a lot from their child. 

• Micromanage their child: they become involved in every aspect of their child’s life to protect them from pain and disappointment. In toddlerhood, the parent might not allow their child to be alone, through childhood they select their child’s friends and do their homework, and in adolescence they may call teachers to discuss poor grades. 

What Are the Characteristics of Children Raised by Helicopter Parents?

They are more likely ⁽⁵⁾ to: 

• Suffer anxiety.

• Suffer depression.

• Use prescribed medication: Children of helicopter parents are more likely to have mental health issues, and therefore they are more likely to be prescribed medication. 

• Use recreational drugs: Drugs can be a coping mechanism for these children because they have not been allowed to develop effective coping mechanisms nor self-regulation. 

• Feel generally worse.

• Have problems to regulate themselves.

• Have low self-efficacy: Self-efficacy refers to whether we believe we can solve our own problems. When you solve your child’s problems, you are giving them the message that they are not able to solve them on their own. At the same time, you are not letting them develop the necessary skills to solve those problems.  

• Achieve poor academic results: Helicopter parents tend to reduce children’s intrinsic motivation to learn by placing more emphasis on extrinsic motivators (e.g., grades, rewards, parents’ approval). 

• Develop a sense of entitlement: Because parents have always been there to help, children may get used to always having their way. 

It is important to note that most studies find that teenagers and young adults raised by helicopter parents, are more likely to show some or many of these characteristics. This means that the effects of helicopter parenting could be long lasting. 

However, does this mean that all children raised by helicopter parents will develop these characteristics? Not at all. I am explaining here what the research says but it does not mean that these findings apply to every single child. 

Does this mean that having a helicopter parent is enough for children to develop anxiety and depression and all the other characteristics mentioned above? Probably not but we are not sure. There are many factors that explain why a child, or a teen develops these characteristics. Having a helicopter parent is a factor that it makes it more likely, but it is probably not enough on its own. 

Why Is It Bad for Children to Have a Helicopter Parent?

Helicopter parents act from a place of love, but they lose perspective of their child’s needs and become too meshed with their children’s lives. 

Helicopter parents tend to act from a place of fear. When parents are too controlling and protective, they are essentially sending the message to their children that they are not able to overcome and solve their own problems. They are telling them that they need help to deal with life. Helicopter parents prevent their children from developing resilience and self-confidence. 

I Am a Helicopter Parent: How Can I Become More Authoritative?

• First, do not feel guilty. You are acting from a place of love. 

• Know that we can change our parenting. It will not be easy but if you are ready to do the work, you will get there! 

• Rather than trying to change everything at the same time, focus on changing specific behaviours.

• Gradually give your child space. 

• Rather than making the decisions for your child, help them make decisions. Instead of telling them what assignment topic they have to do, discuss the options with them and let them choose (yes, even if you do not agree with it). 

• Allow your child to make mistakes. This is tough, but children need to fail, so they can develop their regulation skills and become resilient. If you never let them fail, they will not be able to face the first problem they encounter and they crumble. 

• Assign chores and age-appropriate responsibilities. Depending on their age, gradually start to assign them tasks. These can range from loading the dishwasher, taking out the bins, walking the dog, to making their own packed lunch and making their own way to school. You may need to teach them first how to do it, even if you think they should know how to do it (this process is called ‘scaffolding’). 

• Our REC Parenting therapists can help you to become more aware of your parenting practices and help you develop strategies to become a more authoritative parent. Get in touch with me now and start working with your therapist tomorrow!

However, Research on Helicopter Parenting Is Not That Simple…

• Most of the studies on this topic are correlational. What does this mean? It means that most studies find a relationship between helicopter parenting and negative outcomes for children, such as depression and anxiety but we cannot conclude for sure that helicopter parenting causes these effects. It could also be that children who for example, show depression or anxiety symptoms, provoke their parents to behave in a ‘helicopter’ manner. The way to know if helicopter parenting really causes those symptoms or if those symptoms cause helicopter parenting is to conduct longitudinal studies. Longitudinal studies take time and are expensive to run. So far, there are only a few longitudinal studies in this area. What did they find? That helicopter parenting causes anxiety and depression. However, more research is needed so that we can confidently trust the existing research.

• Another tricky topic when examining helicopter parenting is how it is measured. Many studies ask parents to report on their parenting style. The problem with this is that parents tend to paint a ‘better’ picture of themselves and therefore their reports may not be accurate. Other studies ask the children to report on their parents’ parenting. The problem with this is that children tend to give a harsher picture of their parents. Also, their recollection may not be accurate. In general, research finds that what matters most for children’s development is not what their parents think they are doing but what the children perceive ⁽⁶⁾ their parents doing. In other words, it does not matter much if you think you are a warm and supportive parent, if your child does not perceive you as such. 

• It is also important to note that most studies only examine mothers, leaving fathers ignored. This leaves us with an incomplete picture of the family dynamics involving helicopter parenting and its effects on children. 

We all want to protect our child from harm, but we must remember that the best way to protect our children is not to solve all problems for them but to teach them to solve their problems. We must let them fail, so they can learn to solve and cope with their problems. Let’s prepare our children to face the road, instead of making the mistake of trying to prepare the road for our children. 

Get in touch.

Lots of love, 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References

⁽¹⁾ LeMoyne, T., & Buchanan, T. (2011). Does ‘hovering’ matter? Helicopter parenting and its effect on well-being. Sociological Spectrum, 31(4), 399–418. https://doi.org/10.1080/02732173.2011.574038

⁽²⁾ Srivastav, D., & Mathur, M. L. (2020). Helicopter parenting and adolescent development: from the perspective of mental health. Parenting-studies by an ecocultural and transactional perspective.

⁽³⁾ Kuppens, S., Ceulemans, E. Parenting Styles: A Closer Look at a Well-Known Concept. J Child Fam Stud 28, 168–181 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-018-1242-x

⁽⁴⁾ Nelson, L. J., Padilla-Walker, L. M., & McLean, R. D. (2021). Longitudinal predictors of helicopter parenting in emerging adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 9(3), 240-251.

⁽⁵⁾ Vigdal JS, Brønnick KK. A Systematic Review of “Helicopter Parenting” and Its Relationship With Anxiety and Depression. Front Psychol. 2022 May 25;13:872981. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2022.872981. PMID: 35693486; PMCID: PMC9176408.

⁽⁶⁾ Aznar, A., & Battams, F. (2023). Emotion regulation in emerging adults: Do parenting and parents’ own emotion regulation matter?. Journal of Adult Development, 30(2), 193-204. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10804-022-09427-2

Photo credit: Kenny Eliason via Unsplash

Screens and children’s mental health have been on the news a lot these past few days. Partly because of a few parent-led initiatives calling for smartphone-free childhood, and partly because of psychologist Jonathan Haidt’s new book: “The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness”. There is a lot of contradictory information on this issue and at the same time it is an issue that deeply worries parents, so I thought we could dedicate this week’s blog to clearly explain what we know so far about it. 

Are Smartphones to Blame for Children’s Mental Health Problems?

Since the early 2010s children’s mental health has sharply declined. Data from the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, New Zealand, and other industrialized countries show how rates of anxiety, depression, and self-harm are higher than in any other generation for which we have data. 

The decline in children’s mental health coincided roughly with the arrival of smartphones and so it is easy to assume that one causes the other. However, the research doesn’t paint such a clear picture: 

• Most research finds a relation between smartphone use and children’ mental health but most of it is correlational. What does this mean? It means that a relation is found between smartphone use and children’s mental health, but we cannot assume that smartphones are the cause for children’s poor mental health. Remember: correlation doesn’t mean causation. 

• This relationship tends to be weak.

• Not all studies find a relation between smartphone use and children’s mental health.

What Other Factors May Be Influencing the Decline of Children’s Mental Health?

• Intensive parenting: In the last few decades, parenting has become much more labour-intensive. This way of parenting requires parents to spend a great deal of energy, money, and time on their children’s well-being. Yet, research suggests that intensive parenting is not beneficial for children. It may lead to children feeling less competent, feel more depressed and more anxious. 

• An increasing competitive society: children and teenagers report how academic pressure is worsening their mental health. 

• Less outdoor, unsupervised play: Children are spending less time than ever before engaging in unsupervised, outdoor play. Outdoor play is especially beneficial for children because it allows them to experience challenges, understand risk, build confidence, resilience, and independence. 

How Worried Should I Be About How Smartphones and Social Media Will Impact my Child?

There are three factors that we should consider: How children use the phone; the things children stop doing because they are using their smartphone; and who your child is.

Let’s have a look at each one of them. 

• How children use the phone: For many years, researchers and parents have been more focused on how much children use their phones than on how they use their phones. We should really focus on how they use their phones. It is not the same if your child spends two hours chatting or playing a video game with their friends than if they spend the same two hours watching porn or engaging with content that may be harmful. 

• What your child’s screen time is preventing them from doing: If your child is not exercising, going out with friends, spending time with their family or studying because they are with the phone, we may have a problem in our hands. As with most things in life, moderation is key. 

• Who your child is: It is difficult to know how each child will respond to using a phone or social media. In general, we can say that children who struggle offline are more likely to struggle online. To give you an example, children who engage in more risky behaviour offline, like drinking alcohol or having sex, are more likely to engage in more risky behaviours online, like watching porn or sexting. 

We tend to focus on the dangers that being online may bring to our kids, but for many kids it may be a lifeline. Think of children who may be marginalized in their ‘real life’ because of their sexual orientation, political beliefs, or maybe for being neurodivergent. There is evidence that these children may find a community online and that can be immensely beneficial for them. 

What Is the Bottom Line?

Smartphones and social media have risks as well as benefits. From the research available, we can’t blame the decline of children’s mental health solely on smartphone use. Doing this is too simplistic and puts a lot of fear and pressure on already pressured and scared parents.

Screen use (as long as the content is age-appropriate) is not inherently bad. Ideally, we want to find a balance where our children can use their screens, play indoors and outdoors, do their homework, and spend time with friends and relatives. Like everything in life, moderation is key. 

In summary, keep screen time in moderation and select content wisely. Be aware of your child’s ‘online life’ so you can help them to deal with the risks that it brings. Let’s be involved in our children’s lives: whether it is online or offline. 

I hope you find this information useful. As always, if you need more support, please contact your REC Parenting therapist. Email us if you have any questions or comments.

Much love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar