“What is soft parenting? is it the same as gentle? And is it recommended by professionals like you?”
From what I’ve seen soft parenting is gentle parenting but taken to the extreme. It is important to know that these new parenting styles, such as soft, gentle, Fafo, Type C Parenting… crop up in social media but are not evidence based. There is no research examining their links with children’s developmental outcomes. In addition, I am particularly against gentle and soft parenting because many parents in their attempt to follow their guidelines, fail to set clear boundaries to their children. Children need boundaries. Love and boundaries.
My suggestion is that you ignore these new parenting styles and instead focus on trying to be an authoritative parent. There are hundreds of studies showing that authoritative parenting is the gold standard of parenting.
Authoritative parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines. Children of authoritative parents are the ones who tend to do best. These children tend to be well adjusted, have good social skills, do well in school, and have high self-esteem
However, keep in mind that being an authoritative parent will not mean that your child will turn out fine. Sadly, it is much more complex than that and here are the reasons:
1. Parenting styles explain children’s outcomes to some extent, but they are not the only factor explaining how children turn out.
2. If you have noticed, I have said that “children tend to…”. Why? Because even though research shows that authoritative parents tend to have children who do better, we cannot 100% say that all children whose parents are authoritative do well. It is not that simple. Some children with authoritative parents don’t do well at all, and some children with neglectful parents, do very well despite of their upbringing.
3. Parenting styles are not separate containers where parents ‘fall in”. We should think about parenting styles as a continuum. For example, you can be mostly authoritative with a touch of permissiveness.
4. At different stages and circumstances of your life, your parenting style may change. For example, when parents go through stressful situations, they tend to become more authoritarian, their parenting turns harsher.
5. If you have more than one child, it may be that you have a different parenting style with each one of them. Why? Because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Different children provoke different reactions in you and that will influence your parenting.
So, try to be authoritative as often as possible because we know that it is best for our children. But also remember that you won’t always get it right and it is OK. Your child does not need a perfect mother.
Here are some articles on parenting styles you may find helpful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“Do you have any favorite gentle parenting books?”
I am afraid I am not a big fan of gentle parenting. Mostly, because from a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children. Also, because I think it sets unrealistic expectations for parents. I wrote an article a while ago, explaining why I am not a big fan. You can read it here. I would love to know your thoughts.
So, no books on gentle parenting but there are two books on parenting that I really recommend:
Good Enough: A Framework for Modern Parents by Dr Tara Porter
The 5 Principles of Parenting by Dr Aliza Pressman
Both these books talk about parenting from an evidence-based perspective as well as a realistic perspective, because theory is one thing, but real life is quite different! I hope you like them.
You may also find these articles useful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana Dr Ana Aznar
“What the heck is gentle parenting and why would people do it??“
I love your question! If you follow me, you will know that I am not a big fan of gentle parenting. Gentle parenting was introduced by Sarah Ockwell-Smith in 2015. Since then, it went viral in social media. In my opinion, gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents these days were raised. Many parents were raised in a much more authoritarian way, and in their effort to do it differently, they have gone to the other extreme.
Don’t get me wrong, there are some aspects of gentle parenting that are good. For example, it promotes aspects of authoritative parenting, which is the gold standard of parenting. However, there are many aspects that I don’t agree with. For example, one big problem is that it is a very intensive way of parenting that places unrealistic expectations on parents.
I wrote a very detailed article on gentle parenting a while ago. You can find it here: Gentle Parenting: Is It Best? Have a read and let me know your thoughts!
You may also find these articles useful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
What Is Helicopter Parenting: Characteristics and Consequences
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
I hope this information helps!
Love,
Ana
If you are in social media and follow ‘mumfluencers’ or any parenting accounts, for sure you must have heard of gentle parenting. You may swear by it, you may hate it, or you may not be sure about what it really means.
Whatever your feelings towards this popular parenting style, do you really know what the research says about it?
We explain everything you need to know about gentle parenting.
Who Came Up with Gentle Parenting?
British author Sarah Ockwell-Smith introduced the term ‘gentle parenting’ in 2015. Since then, gentle parenting took a life of its own on social media and You Tube, fuelled by ‘parenting experts’ and ‘mumfluencers’.
At the time of writing this article, a Google search on ‘gentle parenting’ generates 1.68 million hits and around 850,000 hits in Instagram.
Do you know how many scientific articles are there on gentle parenting? One. Just one.
So, I wonder… All this advice that parents are getting is based on… what evidence exactly?
From a theoretical point of view, it is not clear what parents understand by ‘gentle parenting’ and moreover, it is not clear if it is really a distinct parenting style. Furthermore, there are no studies, and I mean no studies, that have examined whether gentle parenting is good or bad for children.
What Does Gentle Parenting Mean?
Gentle parenting does not really have an official doctrine. Ockwell-Smith defines it as a ‘mindset’ and a ‘way of being’ with an ‘emphasis on your child’s feelings’.
These are considered its four main tenets:
- Empathy: Parents should always acknowledge their children’s feelings.
- Respect: Children deserve the same respect as adults.
- Understanding: Parents’ expectations of their children should be in line with their children’s developmental stage.
- Boundaries: Parents should establish boundaries to foster a stable, healthy, and loving environment for their children.
In terms of discipline, a gentle parent never uses rewards and punishments. Instead, they validate their children’s feelings. They always try to understand their child’s motivations when they misbehave.
You may be thinking: “What’s not to like about this? I agree with those four points”. As a principle, I agree too. But parenting is not that easy. Let me explain my reservations about gentle parenting.
There Is No Scientific Research on Gentle Parenting
I cannot emphasize enough that there is no scientific research examining this parenting philosophy. Researchers have not examined how children raised by gentle parenting do in comparison with children who are not raised by gentle parents.
At the time of writing this article (November 2024) there is only one study examining gentle parenting. This study (1) examined 100 parents in the US with at least one child aged between 2 and 7 years old. Almost half of them (N = 49), identified themselves as gentle parents. They reported high levels of parenting satisfaction and felt competent to raise their children. However, some of them were very critical of themselves and did not feel as competent. One third of those who identified as gentle parents, reported high levels of parenting uncertainty and burnout.
What does this study tell us? That whereas some parents are doing OK following the gentle parenting guidelines (although it is not clear what this means), other parents may be finding this parenting philosophy too demanding.
In sum, we cannot really conclude if gentle parenting is good or bad for children because no studies have examined it. And we cannot really conclude if approach to parenting is good or bad for parents because we only have one study examining it. There is simply no data.
Most parenting styles (e.g., gentle parenting, lighthouse parenting, dolphin parenting, tiger parenting, conscious parenting…) are not based on scientific evidence. They are created by influencers, social media, and the press.
In contrast, there is plenty of research on the four traditional parenting styles: Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and neglectful. There is also decent research on helicopter parenting.
I Have More Reservations on Gentle Parenting
I find it incredibly judgemental.
Gentle parenting followers advocate that theirs is the only way to raise emotionally competent children. Really? What about the millions of emotionally competent people who were not raised by ‘gentle parents?’. Moreover, no one wants to be defined as ‘ungentle’, right? So, by default If I say that I am not a gentle parent, does this mean that I am so kind of unsensitive, harsh mother?
It Is a Form of Intensive Parenting.
We do not generally consider gentle parenting as a form of intensive parenting but from my perspective, we should. Why? Because it considers that parents have a lot of influence on how children turn out to be, it is very much child-centred, and it ignores parents’ needs (more on this later).
Advocates of gentle parenting argue that when our child is misbehaving, throwing a tantrum or needs us, we must always be there for them. This sounds fantastic in an ideal world, but I don’t think is neither realistic nor a valuable lesson for our children. First, you are giving your child the idea that everything revolves around them. Not true. Second, when we drop everything whenever our children need us, we are not teaching them to wait or to self-regulate. Finally, intensive parenting is negative for parents’ mental health (2).
Is Gentle Parenting Really Helpful?
Gentle parenting tells you how to react to your child’s behaviour. (e.g., “I understand you don’t want to put your shoes on, but we need to go to school. I know you are finding it hard.”). What if my child doesn’t change his behaviour at that time? If my child doesn’t choose to put his shoes on, what do I do then? Do I keep repeating the same line, over and over? Am I meant not to take him to school?
It Seems that Parents Go from Gentle Parenting to Permissive Parenting.
Probably because it is difficult to discipline children following the gentle parenting advice, it seems that parents may end up not enforcing clear rules to their children.
It Makes All Emotions Equally Important.
Gentle parenting dictates that we should always discuss and validate our children’s feelings. The issue is that when we validate every single feeling that our child is having, we are making them equally important. I am not saying that you should ignore your child’s emotions. I am totally up for discussing my kids’ emotions when they come back from school being upset or when they are lashing out at their sibling constantly. What I am saying is that discussing for 15 minutes in the morning why your child does not want to put their shoes on, may be going too far. Sometimes, children need to do things because that is how life works.
My Main Concern Has to Do with How Gentle Parenting Relates to Parents’ Own Wellbeing
Given that there is no data on how gentle parenting relates to parents’ wellbeing, we can only rely on anecdotal evidence. Based on what parents are saying on social media and the press, it seems that gentle parenting sets unrealistic expectations for parents, especially for those who take it to the extreme.
I totally agree with gentle parenting telling not to use any forms of physical discipline with their children. There is a lot of research showing that physical discipline is not beneficial for children. However, expecting parents never to lose their cool, never to yell in frustration when they have asked their children 33 times to brush their teeth is totally unrealistic. Moreover, research shows that occasional yelling is not linked with negative outcomes for children.
Even more, modelling to our children that we should never lose our cool, that we never yell, that we are always composed, is giving them an unrealistic view of how people behave. Our role as parents is to teach our children how to deal with their own negative emotions and with the negative emotions of those around them. We fail to do that when we never show them that we also get it wrong, that we make mistakes, and that we sometimes lose our cool.
If There Is No Scientific Evidence, Why Do Parents Adopt the Gentle Parenting Approach?
It is not clear, but it has been speculated that gentle parenting is a reaction to the way many parents themselves were raised. Millennial parents were raised in a more authoritarian manner, and they practice gentle parenting as a reaction. Indeed, in a 2023 Pew Research Center report (3), 44% of parents said they wanted to raise their children differently to how they were raised. They wanted to be less punitive and more gentle.
Gentle parenting may simply be a rejection of the parenting styles of previous generations. This is not new. Through generations, parents have gone from being told to treat their kids like adults (Watson in the 1920s), to move away from harsh parenting (Dr Spock in the 1940s) to the very intensive way we are raising our kids these days. The difference is that until recently, parenting advice always came from scholarship. New parenting styles, like gentle parenting and the others we have already mentioned, seem to come from the media.
A Final Word
In general, I don’t like labelling parenting styles. Other than the four traditional parenting styles, I don’t think they are useful.
Ultimately, we must remember that parenting is not about ‘producing’ a child. Our focus when raising our children, should be to create a strong, solid relationship with them. That is the most important predictor for our children’s wellbeing. Any parenting style, such as gentle parenting, that completely ignores parents’ needs and focuses solely on the needs of the child, is doing parents and children a disservice.
And please, try as hard as you can to ignore Instagram posts promoting gentle parenting. They are usually high on shame induction and low on nuance.
I hope you find this article useful. If you have questions or comments, please do get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
References
(1) Pezalla AE, Davidson AJ (2024) “Trying to remain calm. . .but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLoS ONE 19(7): e0307492. https://doi.org/ 10.1371/journal.pone.0307492
(2) Rizzo, K.M., Schiffrin, H.H. & Liss, M. Insight into the Parenthood Paradox: Mental Health Outcomes of Intensive Mothering. J Child Fam Stud 22, 614–620 (2013). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-012-9615-z
(3) Minkin R, Horowitz JM. Parenting in America Today.
The four main parenting styles: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful. Which one is yours?
Psychologists Baumrid, Maccoby, and Martin rated thousands of parents and children along two dimensions: warmth and demandingness. Based on those two dimensions they concluded that each parent falls into one of the four main parenting styles. Why are parenting styles important? Because they play a role in children’s development.
Let’s have a look at them so you can decide the type of parent you are.
Authoritative Parenting
These parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines.
How does authoritative parenting influence children?
Children of authoritative parents are the ones who do best. These children tend to:
- Be well adjusted
- Have good social skills
- Do well in school
- Have high self-esteem
Hundreds of studies show that authoritative parenting can be considered the gold standard of parenting.
Authoritarian Parenting
These parents are demanding and cold. They expect their children to do as they are told. They set strict rules, and they tend be inflexible and rigid. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Parents expect children to do as they are told.
When they discipline their children, they are harsh, use punishments and may get physical. They do not explain to the child why their behaviour was wrong.
How does Authoritarian Parenting influence children? These children are more likely to:
- Have poor social relations
- Have mental health issues such as anxiety and depression
- Do poorly at school
- Have lower self-esteem
Permissive Parenting
These parents are warm and responsive, but they don’t expect much from their children. They provide little guidance and direction. They want to be liked by their children, so they avoid conflict.
They do no set clear limits. They are not consistent in their discipline. One day they may punish their child for not making the bed and the next day, the same behaviour may go unnoticed.
How do permissive parents influence their children? These children are:
- More likely to have emotional and behavioural problems
- Less likely to do well at school
- More likely to have self-regulation issues
Neglectful Parenting (Also Called Uninvolved Parenting):
These parents are not demanding nor responsive towards their children’s needs. They are simply not interested in their children’s lives. They don’t set expectations, nor they offer guidance, support, or supervision. They offer shelter and food but that’s about it.
They don’t discipline their children.
How do neglectful parenting influence children? These children are more likely to:
- Struggle at school
- Lack self-regulation
- Use drugs and alcohol
- Engage in delinquency and antisocial behaviour
Children of neglectful parents are the worst off.
Let me say something before we continue. You may have noticed that I use the words ‘tend to’ or ‘are likely’ quite a lot. This is because developmental psychology research cannot say 100% that something will happen, it can say that something is likely to happen. Let’s take the example of neglectful parenting. Studies show that children of neglectful parents are very likely to do poorly in life. Does this mean that all neglected children will do badly? No. There are neglected children who do well. We cannot categorically say that all neglected children will struggle, we can only say that neglected children are more likely to struggle.
Let’s now answer some questions that parents often ask about this topic.
What About Other Parenting Styles I Have Heard of?
You may have heard about gentle parenting, helicopter parenting, attachment parenting, laid back parenting, reflective parenting, natural parenting, and so many others!
The reality is that most of these parenting styles do the rounds in social media and the press but there is not much (or any) scientific research backing them.
There is some research on intensive parenting (or helicopter parenting) suggesting that it is linked with negative outcomes for children.
Do I Always Have the Same Parenting Style?
No. Your parenting style may change depending on what is happening in your life. For example, when parents are stressed maybe because they are going through a divorce or have been laid off at work, they are usually harsher with their children. So, a parent that is usually authoritative may become authoritarian. Be mindful of what is happening in your life to understand how you are behaving towards your children.
Many parents do not fit nicely into one category. They may be for example, mostly permissive with a bit of neglect. Like in everything in life, there are many shades of grey in parenting!
Do I have the same parenting style with all my children?
No. You may have different parenting styles with each of your children. This happens because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Parenting is a way two-street. Imagine that you have a child that is always happy, loving, and easy. It is likely that you will be authoritative with them. Now, imagine that your other child has always been difficult, is moody, and aloof. It is likely that you will be more authoritarian with them.
This doesn’t mean that we love one child more than the other. It means that they are different people, and we react differently to them.
Can I Change my Parenting Style?
Yes. Parenting styles can be changed. There are studies called ‘parenting interventions’ where parents are taught to become ‘better’ parents. I have good news:
- Parents can and do change the way the parent
- When parents become ‘better’ at parenting, their children do better
With the right support and commitment, we can become the parent we want to be more often than not. Remember that the perfect parent doesn’t exist, and our children don’t need a perfect parent. What they need is that we get it right most of the time.
If you want to change aspects of your parenting that you are not happy with, our REC Parenting therapists are here to support you.
What if my Partner Has One Parenting Style and I Have Another?
This is a common issue but there is not a lot of research about it. The ideal situation is one where both parents (or at least one) are authoritative.
If you have two different parenting styles, remember that you and your partner want what is best for your child, even if you disagree about what the ‘best thing’ looks like. Try to find some common ground.
Does Culture Influence Parenting Styles?
Very much so! We raise our children to fit in the society that we live in. Different societies have different values, beliefs, and traditions, so, parenting is not the same across all cultures.
Authoritative parenting is more common in Western countries. In contrast, in collectivist countries parents tend to be more authoritarian.
What About Parenting Styles for Parents of Neurodivergent Children?
Like all children, neurodivergent children, benefit from authoritative parents. However, these parents may find more difficult to be warm and responsive towards their children because raising neurodivergent children brings its own challenges.
It is particularly important for parents raising neurodivergent children to take care of themselves and find a support system.
My Final Message
As parents we are inundated with tips and advice. Just remember one thing: Try to be an authoritative parent as often as you can. You won’t get it always right, and that’s OK. Our children don’t need us to get it right all the time. They need us to get it right more often than not. That’s… about it.
I hope you find this article helpful. As always, if you have any questions or comments, get in touch with me.
Much love,
Ana
