Every few years, the debate about ‘do parents even matter?’ reappears. As we hear experts claiming that parent don’t matter at all, others saying that they matter a lot, parents are left confused around the dinner table. Should we just give up and let the kids go wild?  

Not quite yet- Parents do matter. But maybe not as much or not in the way you think.  Let me explain you why.  

Do Parents Matter? 

Without a doubt: YES. First, parents are important because they provide their children with food, shelter and safety. Second, parents matter because they are their children’s main socialization agents. That is, children are not born knowing how to function in the world. Parents teach their children about social norms, values, skills, knowledge, and beliefs. Finally, parents matter because they provide children with their genetic makeup. There are traits, such as intelligence or height that are inherited to a very large extent from our parents.  

Some experts believe that parents only matter because they pass their genes to their children but that what parents ⁽¹⁾ do does not make a big difference. Other experts believe that what parents do matters. This is, indeed, part of the old nature vs nurture debate.  

What Matters for Children’s Development: Their Genes or the Environment?  

The short answer is that both matter. There are traits such as intelligence ⁽²⁾ or whether a child is a picky eater ⁽³⁾ that are very much inherited from our parents. We know this because children who are adopted tend to have an IQ more like their birth parents than to their adoptive parents. Some would say that intelligence is a genetic trait and therefore parents do not matter in this regard. However, this is not the case. To make it even more complicated, we now know that our genes are not set in stone. Our environment can rearrange our genes, affecting how much or how little we express our genes. This is the concept of epigenetics ⁽⁴⁾. For a child to reach their full potential, they must be raised in an environment that allows them to reach this potential. A child that is deeply neglected by their parents may not reach their full IQ. It is the parents who provide this environment, so from this perspective, what parents do matters. This is an example of how our environment influences our genes.  

So, our environment influences our genes, but our genes also influence our environment. Let me give you an example. A child that is born with a very difficult temperament ⁽⁵⁾, who cries a lot, is not affectionate, and is aggressive, may provoke their parents to be harsher, colder, and more punitive. These same parents may have another child that is always happy, affectionate and quick to help, and as a result, these parents are much more affectionate and loving to this child. This is an important aspect to remember because we often only think that parents influence children, but children also influence parents. The parent-child relationship goes both ways. This example illustrates how genetics (child’s temperament) influences the environment (parents’ level of warmth). 

So, What Matters in Parenting? 

This is THE question that developmental psychologists have been trying to answer for years.  

What matters? The most important predictor in children’s development is whether they have a good relationship ⁽⁶⁾ with their parents. Children tend to do better when their parents are loving, caring, and set up clear and consistent rules. This is why children who have authoritative parents tend to do better than children of parents who favour other parenting styles.  

There are soooo many things that do not matter. Things like how long you breastfeed your child for, when you potty train your child, or whether you co-sleep or not, do not matter. Usually, small decisions which parents tend to worry about do not make a big difference in how their child turns out. 

Finally… 

The message that parents do not matter as much as we think can be very liberating. We cannot shape our children into the adult we want them to be. Your child’s future does not depend totally on you. Focus on the quality of your relationship. Give them lots of love and provide consistent rules. Try not to worry about every single decision you make, because most likely it will not matter in the long term. That’s about it.  

I hope you find this information useful. If you are struggling with any aspect of parenting or would like to learn strategies to become a more confident parenting, get in touch with me. 

Love,  

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar 

References 

⁽¹⁾ Harris, J. R. (1995). Where is the child’s environment? A group socialization theory of development. Psychological review, 102(3), 458. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.102.3.458 

⁽²⁾ Pesta, B. J., Kirkegaard, E. O., te Nijenhuis, J., Lasker, J., & Fuerst, J. G. (2020). Racial and ethnic group differences in the heritability of intelligence: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Intelligence, 78, 101408. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.intell.2019.101408 

⁽³⁾ Nas, Z., Herle, M., Kininmonth, A. R., Smith, A. D., Bryant‐Waugh, R., Fildes, A., & Llewellyn, C. H. (2025). Nature and nurture in fussy eating from toddlerhood to early adolescence: findings from the Gemini twin cohort. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 66(2), 241-252. doi:10.1111/jcpp.14053 

⁽⁴⁾ Gibney, E. R., & Nolan, C. M. (2010). Epigenetics and gene expression. Heredity, 105(1), 4-13. 

⁽⁵⁾ Laukkanen, J., Ojansuu, U., Tolvanen, A. et al. Child’s Difficult Temperament and Mothers’ Parenting Styles. J Child Fam Stud 23, 312–323 (2014). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-013-9747-9 

⁽⁶⁾ Retnowati, D. A., & Sukmawaty, N. I. P. (2024). The effect of authoritative parenting style on individual development: A literature review. World Journal of Advanced Research and Reviews, 21(1), 205-209. https://doi.org/10.30574/wjarr.2024.21.1.2662