“my 7 year old is out of control – she is borderline abusive to me with her words and she also smacks me when I get too close and she’s angry, even when I’m trying to help her or even just hand her a tissue. Last week she punched at me when I just tried to walk past her out of the room to let everything settle and give space (she was rght by the doorway and I tried to skirt around but was too close still i guess). What do I do?”
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be very tough for you.
First of all, let me tell you that your daughter is having trouble self-regulating. She is not violent or nasty.
What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around her. This is how you do it:
- You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable.
- Do not be scared or anxious around her when she becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make her become more anxious and cause her violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what she does.
- Tell her that every time she is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what she likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not having playdates for a week. Or the consequence could be forcing her to do something, like taking the bins out every evening for a week or laying the table for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time she gets violent.
- Do not try to reason with her while she is in the middle of an angry outburst because she simply cannot focus on what you are saying when she is so dysregulated.
- At the same time, you need to help her learn to regulate her emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell her that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others. Then you need to give her alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could count to 10 while you calm down, you could go outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. You can work with her to find out which strategy works best for her.
- It is important that everyone that cares for your daughter (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.
- Tell her that you are going to always love her no matter what. That you are always going to be by her side.
It is also important that she has a consistent routine: she should get enough hours or sleep, follow a healthy diet, spends time outdoors, plays sports, and sees friends and family.
Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if she does not manage to regulate her angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatricianin case there is something else going on. I would also talk to her teacher to see how she is behaving at school: is she having violent outburst also in school? Is her academic achievement OK? Does she have friends and get on well with other children. If at school she is behaving OK, it suggests that she is able to regulate herself.
Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.
I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
Is Smacking Your Child Ever OK?
“Do you have suggestions for a good behavior intervention plan for troublesome children in my class? I’m a teacher of grade 5 girls at a girls’ private summer school, and two were ganging up on the rest of the students the past few months. I know it’s nearly the actual school year but I wanted to get ahead on behavior management strategies if this continues.”
If I am not mistaken, grade 5 children are 10-11 years old. This means that they are starting adolescence. They are starting to push away from their parents and their peer group is becoming more and more important. At this stage, peer groups are constantly evolving, and tensions and problems are likely to appear. Children go through hormonal changes at different times, their brains are not fully matured, and they have to manage academic pressure while juggling family and peer dynamics.
What you are describing is relational aggression. This type of aggression is more common amongst girls. Girls who engage in relational aggression harm others damaging their relationships and social standing. They want to gain power and social standing at the expense of their targets. Relational bullying often involves spreading false rumours, making fun of the other person for their personality or appearance, posting negative information online, giving them silent treatment…Your school should have an anti-bullying policy as well as anti-bullying programs. It would be a good idea to implement this program in your classroom. These programs usually involve life-skill and social-emotional learning modules that help young people manage and understand emotions and maintain positive and empathetic relationships.
I would encourage you instead of thinking about ‘troublesome children’ to think about children who, at times, behave poorly.
I hope this information helps.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
Everything You Need to Know about Bullying
How Can I Support my Daughter Through Challenging Teen Years?
Executive Function Skills: Discover Everything You Need to Know
