Everyone is talking about Netflix’s show ‘Adolescence’. If you haven’t watched it, I really recommend you do. I watched all four episodes in one go because I could not turn it off. It is a heartbreaking and very uncomfortable watch, but it is also beautifully filmed, and the acting is incredible. More importantly, it raises relevant questions about how much our children are being shaped by online content. A must watch for all parents. 

Adolescence is not based on one single case but on different cases that have happened in the UK during the last few years. What is going on in our society? How have we come to this? Through history, parents thought that their children were safe when they were at home, when they were in their bedrooms. This is no longer the case. The internet broke this. As parents we must realize once and for all that as long as our children have a device, they are not safe. Not even when they are at home. 

It is absolutely heartbreaking watching Jamie’s parents wondering what they did wrong. What else could they have done. What they failed to do. They failed to realize, as many of us, that our children are also being shaped by their online life. The algorithm is another factor shaping our children. We need to realize that we have to be on top of our children’s online life in the same way that we are on top of their ‘real’ life. 

Now, I am not saying that all our children have the potential to become killers just because of the online content they are watching. Not at all. I am just saying that we need to be much more on top of what they are doing online because there are some really nasty people and very nasty content that our children are engaging with at a time when they are quite vulnerable, and they are establishing who they are. So, let’s not go into panic mode and let’s take this opportunity to discuss the lessons we can learn from this show.  

Concepts that Appear in ‘Adolescence’ and that We Should Be Aware of 

It appears clear in the show that Jamie, aged 13, has been radicalized online by the incel culture.

• Incel or involuntary celibate: The incel view is based on the idea that women are only attracted to men that are physically attractive. Those who define themselves as incels believe that they are not physically attractive and that they are going to be a virgin forever. The incel ideology considers that all men (including themselves) are superior to women. However, not all men are the same. They are divided into Chads (a minority of alpha males) who are at the top, Normies (a majority of average-looking betas) who are in the middle, and Incels (a minority) at the bottom. Incels bond online over being rejected by women. They develop a sense of being lonely and isolated, and become jealous of those around them who they perceive as being in happy sexual relationships. There are examples of incels who have committed crimes, like Alek Minassian, who killed 10 people in Toronto in 2018. Elliot Rodger killed six people in the US and documented his anger towards women who refused his advances. 

• Pilling: this concept is borrowed from the 1999 film, The Matrix. People can take the blue pill and live in ignorance. Or they can take the red pill and learn of the social structure that we have just discussed. Incels have added a third pill, the black pill. With this one, incels accept that this social hierarchy cannot be changed, so there is nothing they can do to change their own status. 

• Emojis: the teenagers in ‘Adolescence’ explain what the different emojis really mean for them. I think that this makes it clear that parents do not understand how our teenagers use technology to communicate with each other. Here is an explanation of what these emojis mean:

What Else Can We Learn from ‘Adolescence’?

• Set clear rules with your child about what they are allowed regarding their devices.

• Ideally children should not be allowed to have their devices in their bedrooms, especially at night. 

• Stay involved in your children’s online life: which social media platforms are they using? Who are they following? Who do they interact with? What type of content are they engaging with?  

• Discuss emotions with them, especially if they are boys. We still tend to talk more about emotions with our daughters than with our sons. Give a clear message that it is ok for boys and men to cry, to express their emotions, and to experience negative emotions. 

• Discuss sex with them and how a healthy romantic relationship looks like.

• Model what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. 

• Help them become critical thinkers. 

Finally…

We have these resources that you may find useful:

• Article: Discussing Teen Sex: Talking to your Teen about Sex

• Article: Phone Tracking: Should You Track your Child?

• Article: How to Promote Social Skills and Discuss Sex

• Article: Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents

• Masterclass: How to Have Difficult Conversations with your Teenager 

• Masterclass: Understanding Teen Dating Violence

I hope you have found this information useful. My aim with this article is not to scare you but to raise awareness about the fact that we need to stay on top of our children’s online life.  The question we need to ask ourselves as parents, is: Would we know if this was happening to our child? For many of us, the answer is no. We need to change this. 

If you would like some 1-2-1 support to discuss this or any other issue, just email me.

Love, 

X

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar