My 6-Year-Old Is Out of Control

“my 6 year old is out of control. Screaming, hitting, breaking all the rules she’s been so good at following, lashing out at me and her dad and brother, even kids in the playground this week. I don’t think I can take her to play at the park anymore because she swung at a little kid there yesterday. Last year she was so excited and happy with Christmas being so close but this year she’s a ****ing terror and I don’t know what to do with her. do you have any advice please?”

First, let me tell you that your daughter is having trouble self-regulating. She is not violent or nasty.  

What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around her. This is how you do it: 

• You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable. 
• Do not be scared or anxious around her when she becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make her become more anxious and cause her violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what she does.  
• Tell her that every time she is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what she likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not going to the park for a few days. Or the consequence could be forcing her to do something, like taking the bins out every evening for a week or laying the table for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time she gets violent.  
• Do not try to reason with her while she is in the middle of an angry outburst because she simply cannot focus on what you are saying when she is so dysregulated.  
• At the same time, you need to help her learn to regulate her emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell her that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others. Then you need to give her alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could count to 10 while you calm down, you could go outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. You can work with her to find out which strategy works best for her.  
• It is important that everyone that cares for your daughter (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.  

• Tell her that you are going to always love her no matter what. That you are always going to be by her side. 
• It is also important that she has a consistent routine: she should get enough hours or sleep, follow a healthy diet, spends time outdoors, plays sports, and sees friends and family.  

Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if she does not manage to regulate her angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatrician in case there is something else going on. I would also talk to her teacher to see how she is behaving at school: is she also having violent outbursts in school? Is her academic achievement OK? Does she have friends and get on well with other children? If at school she is behaving OK, it suggests that she is able to regulate herself.  

Also, consider if there have been any changes in her life: has she moved schools recently? Have you moved home? Have you divorced or has someone died in the family? Changes in children’s life may explain changes in behaviour. 

Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation, and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.  

I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.  

I wish you all the very best. 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

Related articles:

How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-By-Age Guide

My 7-Year-Old Is Out of Control: She Hits Me

How Much Screen Time Should a 7-Year-Old Have?