Help! Baby Only Wants Mom

“Help please with separation anxiety. Baby only wants mom but she works all day, I’m a disabled stay-at-home dad, and I feel like my baby hates me and wants nothing to do with me.” 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can assure you that your baby does not hate you.  

Your baby is showing parental preference. You need to bear in mind that parental preference is fluid. If you are not the preferred parent at this moment, it does not mean it will stay like this. This is a phase that will pass. It is not a sign of how much he loves you.  

Parental preference is not something we completely understand from a developmental perspective.  

Whenever your child cries for mum, just say something like: “I know you want mum but right now she cannot play with you. I am here to play with you when you are ready”. By doing this, you are holding a boundary, which is crucial for children’s development.  

No matter how much your child prefers the other parent, stay involved and do not back off. You may feel like disappearing but doing that may undermine your relationship. Try to notice if resentment is growing so it does not damage your relationship with your baby. Do not make the mistake of becoming more permissive or to give in to all your child’s wishes to make him like you more.  

It is important that your partner does not swoop in and take over from you, because by doing that she will be validating your baby’s insistence.  

At the same time your baby seems to have developed separation anxiety. Separation anxiety is children’s fear of being away from their caregivers. It starts when your child understands that he is a separate person from their parent, but he still does not understand that the parent still exists even when he cannot see them (this is called object permanence). You child gets anxious because he does not understand that your wife will come back. As a result, your child may cry, scream or cling to her when being separated from her. Separation anxiety is a normal part of children’s development. Separation anxiety usually starts around 6-7 months and reaches its peak at 14-18 months. Separation anxiety tends to decline when children reach preschool or school age. Some children may experience separation anxiety a bit longer than others, because every child develops at a different pace. If your child still experiences separation anxiety after the age of 3 or during the preschool years, it is worth discussing it with his doctor. Especially, if it interferes with his ability to go or stay at school. Also talk to his doctor if you think that his anxiety is too extreme.   

I hope this information is helpful. Remember that it is very imporant to take care of yourself. Being a stay-at-home dad can be very isolating. If you want to discuss any other issues, do get in touch with me.  

These articles may be useful: 

How to Handle Separation Anxiety in a 2 Year-Old? 

When Does the Clingy Stage End? 

How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?  

I wish you all the very best,  

Love, 

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar