My 7 Year Old Is Out of Control: She Hits Me
Published : Nov 21, 2025
By Dr. Ana Aznar
“my 7 year old is out of control – she is borderline abusive to me with her words and she also smacks me when I get too close and she’s angry, even when I’m trying to help her or even just hand her a tissue. Last week she punched at me when I just tried to walk past her out of the room to let everything settle and give space (she was rght by the doorway and I tried to skirt around but was too close still i guess). What do I do?”
I am so sorry to hear this. It must be very tough for you.
First of all, let me tell you that your daughter is having trouble self-regulating. She is not violent or nasty.
What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around her. This is how you do it:
- You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable.
- Do not be scared or anxious around her when she becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make her become more anxious and cause her violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what she does.
- Tell her that every time she is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what she likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not having playdates for a week. Or the consequence could be forcing her to do something, like taking the bins out every evening for a week or laying the table for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time she gets violent.
- Do not try to reason with her while she is in the middle of an angry outburst because she simply cannot focus on what you are saying when she is so dysregulated.
- At the same time, you need to help her learn to regulate her emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell her that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others. Then you need to give her alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could count to 10 while you calm down, you could go outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. You can work with her to find out which strategy works best for her.
- It is important that everyone that cares for your daughter (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.
- Tell her that you are going to always love her no matter what. That you are always going to be by her side.
It is also important that she has a consistent routine: she should get enough hours or sleep, follow a healthy diet, spends time outdoors, plays sports, and sees friends and family.
Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if she does not manage to regulate her angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatricianin case there is something else going on. I would also talk to her teacher to see how she is behaving at school: is she having violent outburst also in school? Is her academic achievement OK? Does she have friends and get on well with other children. If at school she is behaving OK, it suggests that she is able to regulate herself.
Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.
I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Love,
Ana
Related articles:
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents
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Pia Satrustegui
2025-04-25 07:23:36
Hola Ana,
Qué fantástico artículo y que buenos consejos. Ha sido de una gran ayuda. Un abrazo muy fuerte
Qué fantástico artículo y que buenos consejos. Ha sido de una gran ayuda. Un abrazo muy fuerte
Dr. Ana Aznar
2025-03-31 19:41:20
Qué ilusión tu mensaje, Pia! Gracias a tí por leernos.
Pia Satrustegui
2025-03-28 10:13:56
Querida Ana,
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Maravilloso artículo sobre la serie Adolescentes y consejos de gran ayuda en una etapa tan complicada de nuestros hijos , tan desprotegidos frente a las nuevas tecnologías.Es una ayuda tremenda para nosotros. Muchas gracias
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2025-03-06 09:31:35
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Meghan
2025-02-07 21:26:19
Is there a printable version of the article? I am a school based mental health professional and would like to share it with parents.
J
2025-02-03 10:52:04
This is such a great writeup. I think too often we get caught in a rutt of trying to categorise everything. Our daily lives are kind of dictated by categories and labels, certainly in a digital world.
I'd imagine this is quite deteremental for a childs development in the long run as nothing stays the same forever, and we shouldn't really be making these categorisations, especially towards our children.
Just live life, sometimes you'll have to be the parent that's the shoulder to cry on. The week after you may have to raise your voice a little when everyone is in a rush and you're trying to get your children's shoes on.
Just balance it all out, don't be too self critical and pick up on what your child wants and needs.
Again, great writeup!
I'd imagine this is quite deteremental for a childs development in the long run as nothing stays the same forever, and we shouldn't really be making these categorisations, especially towards our children.
Just live life, sometimes you'll have to be the parent that's the shoulder to cry on. The week after you may have to raise your voice a little when everyone is in a rush and you're trying to get your children's shoes on.
Just balance it all out, don't be too self critical and pick up on what your child wants and needs.
Again, great writeup!
Dr. Ana Aznar
2024-09-13 12:51:46
Dear Robert,
Thank you so much for your comment. I totally get what you mean. It is always difficult to have kids living with you, wanting to support them and their parents but at the same time not wanting to step in anyone's toes. If there's anything we can do to support you and your family, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us.
Ana
Thank you so much for your comment. I totally get what you mean. It is always difficult to have kids living with you, wanting to support them and their parents but at the same time not wanting to step in anyone's toes. If there's anything we can do to support you and your family, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us.
Ana
Robert Eisenbart
2024-09-10 00:43:07
Great Article! I'm a retired FNP. Years ago I taught a STEP program to parents via family court cases. I now have a daughter and her man disciplining three children 4, 8, and 10. The 10 year old has ADHD and my personal diagnosis is she's also Oppositional/Defiant. I believe the OD came from harsh discipline. All they seem to do is punish and threaten physical punishment. They say positive reinforcement didn't work however they tried it for about 2 months and then went back to punishment. I can't reason with them as "they are the parents"!! is all I hear. They all live with me and have since the oldest was about 2. Sadly I can see the other 2 developing issues like anxiety and aggression as well. Trying to show them another side of adult supervision when I have them but frustrating.
Dr. Ana Aznar
2024-09-02 20:48:07
Really glad you found it useful! Thank you for being here and for your comment.
Ana
Ana
Dr. Ana Aznar
2024-05-17 09:55:58
Hi Donna,
sO great to have you here! Totally agree that Zara is great! What other topics would you like us to discuss?
Ana
sO great to have you here! Totally agree that Zara is great! What other topics would you like us to discuss?
Ana
Donna
2024-05-17 09:49:36
Love Zara’s ways of teaching for both parents & kids! Also so helpful. We want more!! (Please!) :D
Ana Aznar
2024-05-08 07:24:31
We are glad you found the content useful! Many thanks for being here.
Ana
Ana
Cristoj
2024-04-09 18:20:19
Great article!!!
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