A few weeks ago, I attended a family wedding. It was a small wedding filled with love, laughter, tears, and fun. We all had a great time. And it got me thinking… Why is family important? How important is it? Given how much families have changed over the past few decades: what do families look like these days? And do we still think that families are as important as we used to? 

Why Is Growing Up with Family Important? 

If we look at psychology, anthropology and sociology textbooks they tell us that families are crucial in children’s development. Family ⁽¹⁾ is important because it: 

1. Plays a very important socialization role 

2. Provides a sense of belonging and identity 

3. Provides emotional, financial, and psychological support   

4. Promotes personal, emotional, and social development 

5. Preserves cultural traditions and family history  

6. Contributes to the overall health and well-being of its members  

“Good” vs “Bad” Families 

For the past 60 odd years, psychologists have examined what aspects of family life make a difference to children’s psychological wellbeing. There are three main factors ⁽²⁾: 

• The quality of parent-child relationship: Parents who are warm and loving, set limits, and are invested, tend to have children who are well adjusted.  

• The quality of parents’ relationship: the fact that parents fight does not matter that much, what matters is how they fight. Frequent, violent fights tend to be negative for children’s wellbeing 

• The parents’ mental health: one of the biggest predictors of children’s mental health is their parents’ mental health (genetics also play a role here).  

Types of Families 

Families have changed so much. Until quite recently, if you asked anyone to describe a typical family, most people would describe a mother and a father who are married with one or more children. However, in recent decades, societies (especially in the Western world) have changed a lot, and so have families. New family types have appeared:  

• Single parent: one parent lives alone with their children. This type of family is on the rise, especially single mothers.  

• Same sex: two men or two women that are in a stable relationship and live with their children.  

• Blended: two people who were married before, establish a new family, bringing their own children to create a new family  

• Childless family: couples who by choice or not, have no children. This type of family is also becoming more popular.  

Does the Type of Family Matter for Children’s Development? 

For the most part, no ⁽³⁾. Research shows that what matters for children’s development is not how families look like, but the quality of the relationships within the family. Once we control factors such as financial situation and parents’ education level, children living in a ‘non-conventional’ family do not differ in their cognitive or socioemotional development to children living in traditional families.  

However, there are some nuances because the different types of non-traditional families are very different. It is clearly not the same to grow up being an unplanned child of a teenage mother than growing up with two same-sex parents who wanted you so much they spent years going through round after round of IVF, or to be part of a blended family and having to get used to it. Each child is differently affected by these challenges. Some will take these challenges in their stride whereas for others it can be more difficult.  

Is It True that Families Are in Decline? 

It is true that the traditional family ⁽⁴⁾ has been in decline since approximately the 1960s. However, families are not in decline. Families are changing but not disappearing. And the function of the family remains the same. Families are as important as ever.  

Do People Consider Family as Important as It Used to Be? 

There is not a lot of data to answer this question. I suspect that the answer will be very different depending on your culture.  

In the US, 70% of people aged 65 and older ⁽⁵⁾ say that family is the most important thing in life. Whereas only 50% of people under 30 say the same ⁽⁶⁾. Nine in ten people see family as either one of the most important things or as a very important but not the most important thing.  

Why Are More People Going ‘No Contact’ with their Parents? 

Family estrangement ⁽⁷⁾ is the process by which family members become strangers to one another. Sometimes this may be the result of one big fight, child abuse or neglect, parents’ substance abuse, and other times it is the result of the accumulation of many grievances throughout the years.  

There is not much data on this topic, but anecdotal evidence from psychologists suggest that more and more young people are cutting ties with their parents. Or it could be that we are simply becoming more open about it. To give you an idea of numbers, according to a 2022 poll, 1 in 4 of Americans are estranged from a close family member.  

Some psychologists suggest that the reason why more people are going no contact is that the way we think about family is changing. Older generations have a sense of duty towards their family members, whereas the younger generations want healthy family relations and do not feel obliged to put up with their families if they think it is not healthy or safe for them. There has been a shift from honouring our parents to focusing on mental health and happiness.  

Finally… 

Families have changed a lot over the past few decades, and they will probably keep on changing as year go by. What it does not seem to change is the fact that children need loving families to thrive. Whatever they look like.  

You may also find these articles useful:  

Advantages and Disadvantages of Growing Up in a Same-Sex Family 

Staying Connected as a Couple When You Become Parents 

How to Deal with In-Laws: the Good, Bad, and Ugly  

How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child? 

The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?  

I hope you find this information useful. Get in touch with me if you have any queries or comments.  

Love, 

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar 

References  

⁽¹⁾ Parke, R.D. (2004). Development in the family. Annual Review of Psychology, 55. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.55.090902.141528 

⁽²⁾ Golombok, S. (2022). We Are Family. London: Scribe. 

⁽³⁾ Golombok, S. (2017). Parenting in new family forms. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 76-80. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.02.004 

⁽⁴⁾ Bengston, V.L. (2004). Beyond the nuclear family: The increasing importance of multigenerational bonds. Journal of Marriage and Family, 63(1), 1-6). https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2001.00001.x 

⁽⁵⁾ https://today.yougov.com/society/articles/44817-poll-family-ties-proximity-and-estrangement 

⁽⁶⁾ https://pewrsr.ch/45vcUvV 

⁽⁷⁾ Melvin, K., & Hickey, J. (2022). The changing impact and challenges of familial estrangement. The Family Journal, 30(3), 348-356. 

June is Pride month. We would like to take the opportunity to talk about the development of children living in LGBTQ+ families.   

To do this, we are lucky to have Professor Susan Golombok as a REC Parenting expert. A pioneer in the subject, Professor Golombok has been studying same-sex families since the 1970s. More recently, she has also been studying children living in trans families.   

 Let’s have a look at what the research says.   

Children of Lesbian Mother Families  

Lesbian mother families are created in two ways:   

• Women who have a child with a heterosexual partner and start a lesbian relationship later on.  

• Lesbian couples who have a child by donor insemination or adoption.   

 Forty years of research ⁽¹⁾ have compared children of lesbian mother families, children of gay fathers, and children of heterosexual couples. Findings suggest that children raised by lesbian mothers are as well-adjusted as children of heterosexual families and gay father families.   

 

Children of Gay Father Families  

There has been little research on gay male parents.  

Gay father families are created through adoption or surrogacy.   

When a gay couple has a child with the help of a surrogate, the child is conceived through IVF using one father’s sperm and a donor’s egg. The resulting embryo is implanted in a surrogate woman, who carries the pregnancy but has no genetic connection to the baby. In some cases, the same woman provides the egg and carries the pregnancy to avoid the use of IVF. This is less common because the use of different women is usually encouraged. Therefore, children have two fathers (a non-genetic and a genetic) and two biological ‘mothers’ (a gestational and a genetic).   

Research ⁽²⁾ examining children born through surrogacy to gay fathers shows that: 

•  Gay fathers tend to be very  positive in their parenting. 

• Children born through surrogacy to gay fathers do as well, and sometimes better, than children of lesbian and heterosexual couples.   

Another option for gay father couples is to create a family through adoption. Adopted children of gay couples ⁽³⁾ tend to be as well adjusted as children of lesbian couples and children of heterosexual families.  

When examining adopted children is important to keep in mind that factors such as their age when they were adopted and their living conditions before the adoption, may influence their development. In general, the sooner a child is adopted, the better. The harsher their living conditions before being adopted, the more issues they may face growing up ⁽⁴⁾.  

Children of Transgender Families  

This is a very new area of research and we need to be careful when interpreting the findings. The main issue is children’s experience of their parent’s transition. It is not the same for a child if their parent transitions when they are a few months old than when they are a teenager.   

A study ⁽⁵⁾ conducted in the UK in 2017 asked 35 children to talk about their parents’ transition. What did the study show?  

• Some children were OK with the situation, whereas for others it was challenging.   

• Some children found difficult getting used to their parent’s new name and pronoun.   

• Children did not like having to explain their new situation to their friends.  

• Some children experienced bullying and teasing. They found tricky being out in public with their parent after they have transitioned.   

• Other children were rejected by their extended family because they did not accept their parent’s transition.   

The study also examined children’s development. They were no more likely than other children to show behavioural or emotional problems. Children who experienced issues were those whose parents were depressed, stressed, or lacked support.   

 

Do Children in Same-Sex Families Grow Up to be Gay?  

A question that often arises is whether children living in same-sex families will grow up to be gay or lesbian because they will identify with their parents. Evidence ⁽⁶⁾ shows that children growing up in same-sex families are not more likely to be gay than children living in heterosexual families or those living in single-parent households.  

 

Is There Any Disadvantage to Living in a Same-Sex Family?  

Yes. There is one important risk for children living in a gay family: social stigmatisation ⁽⁷⁾. Although in the Western world bullying towards children of gay couples has decreased, low-level stigmatisation is still quite common. For example, using the word ‘gay’ in a derogatory way can be upsetting and harm children.  

Stigmatisation is also negative for gay parents’ parenting skills. Gay fathers who suffered more antigay prejudice had less positive parenting ⁽⁸⁾.  

It is important to keep in mind that the research we have discussed has been conducted in countries where attitudes towards gay couples and same-sex marriage are more positive. The experience of children growing up in a LGBTQ+ family in countries where attitudes are still  negative is likely to be more difficult. For example, the experience of a child growing up with gay fathers in Sweden cannot be compared with the experience of a child growing up with gay fathers in Abu Dhabi. Research in this area may not be universally applicable. 

What Is the Message to Take Home?  

Children living in same-sex families do as well (and sometimes even better) than children living in different-sex families on a wide range of health, social, emotional, and academic outcomes. Children living in trans families tend to show the same outcomes, although there is still not much research on these families.  

Why might children living in same-sex families sometimes do better than children living in heterosexual families? The path to become a parent is usually more difficult for gay parents because they often must go through IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. The process is long and hard, and couples must be very determined to have a child to persevere. Consequently, researchers believe that these parents tend to be very invested in their children. They give them a lot of time, dedication, and love. These are the ingredients necessary for a child to thrive.   

 It seems that a child’s development has little to do with family type, parents’ gender identity or sexual orientation. What matters then? What matters is what happens within the family: Children need stable, loving, and harmonious families. Whether they are gay, transgender, or heterosexual.   

 If you are interested in this topic, have a look at Professor Susan Golombok’s REC Parenting Masterclass, which gives lots of useful tips and information. If you have any comments, do not hesitate to get in touch with me. I love hearing from you!   

Love,

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

References  

⁽¹⁾Stevens, M., Perry, B., Burston, A., Golombok, S., & Golding, J. (2003). Openness in lesbian-mother families regarding mother’s sexual orientation and child’s conception by donor insemination. Journal of reproductive and infant psychology, 21(4), 347-362. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830310001622141  

⁽²⁾Golombok, S., Blake, L., Slutsky, J., Raffanello, E., Roman, G. D., & Ehrhardt, A. (2018). Parenting and the adjustment of children born to gay fathers through surrogacy. Child Development, 89(4), 1223-1233. DOI: 10.1111/cdev.12728  

⁽³⁾Golombok, S., Mellish, L., Jennings, S., Casey, P., Tasker, F., & Lamb, M. E. (2014). Adoptive gay father families: Parent–child relationships and children’s psychological adjustment. Child development, 85(2), 456-468. DOI: 10.1111/cdev.12155  

⁽⁴⁾Farr, R. H., Bruun, S. T., & Patterson, C. J. (2019). Longitudinal associations between coparenting and child adjustment among lesbian, gay, and heterosexual adoptive parent families. Developmental psychology, 55(12), 2547. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000828  

⁽⁵⁾Imrie, S., Zadeh, S., Wylie, K., & Golombok, S. (2020). Children with Trans Parents: Parent–Child Relationship Quality and Psychological Well-being. Parenting, 21(3), 185–215. https://doi.org/10.1080/15295192.2020.1792194  

⁽⁶⁾Patterson, C. J. (2017). Parents’ sexual orientation and children’s development. Child Development Perspectives, 11(1), 45-49. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12207  

⁽⁷⁾Imrie, S., & Golombok, S. (2020). Impact of new family forms on parenting and child development. Annual Review of Developmental Psychology, 2, 295-316. https://doi.o 

⁽⁸⁾Green, R. J., Rubio, R. J., Rothblum, E. D., Bergman, K., & Katuzny, K. E. (2019). Gay fathers by surrogacy: Prejudice, parenting, and well-being of female and male children. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 6(3), 269. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/sgd0000325

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