“Do you have any advice or activities for stress relief for parents? My partner and I are feeling really drained under all this parental stress lately—bills, baby feedings, no sleep, our parents trying to butt in, overwhelming jobs, etc”
I totally get what you are going through. I encourage you to think of being a working parent as a challenge and like with any challenge, the more you break it down, the less daunting it becomes. You and your partner need to plan how you want your life as working parents to look like and find the resources you need to make it work. The important thing is for you both to feel that you are in control of your life.
Here Are Some Tips that You Will Find Helpful:
- What is your vision of working parenthood? Your vision might be: “To make partner in five years while being able to put the kids to bed every night”; “I don’t care much about my career, I just want to provide for my family while not missing a single school play”; “I would love to be a stay at home parent” or something completely different. However you want your life as a working parent to look like, is entirely valid. Just consider it carefully and make a plan to make it work.
- To achieve your vision (whatever it is), you need to set boundaries. Boundaries are always important but more so when we become parents because our mental load drastically increases. Mental load is all the invisible work that we all do: organizing playdates, booking doctors’ appointments, buying Christmas present for teachers, remembering to get balloons for a birthday, or planning the week’s dinners. On their own, they seem like small tasks, but they all add up. You need to set up boundaries at home and at work. Boundaries are a form of self-respect and they allow us to manage our life and our relationships in a way that works for us. How do boundaries at work look like? You may start to delegate a bit more, block off any meetings for a couple of hours a day to focus on deep work, or ask to work from home a couple of days a week. What about home? Put on the phone on silence during bath time, ask your parents not to visit during supper time because it is your time to be with the kids, or say no to a birthday party because you want to have a quiet Sunday at home.
- Think long -term to stay in the game: sometimes, parents I work with, decide to leave their jobs, during crises. The child has the flu, they haven’t slept in five days, and they have a really important presentation. The situation feels too much, and they decide to quit. The decision is human, but we need to remind ourselves that we need to push through the rough patches, to get long-term payoffs. The child will only have the flu for a week, and you have always loved your job and want to progress in your career. This “short-term/long-term” thinking allows you to stay in the game and maintain your motivation. Keep reminding yourself: The tough part will be over soon, and my long-term payoff is coming.
- Create a strong co-parenting team: Parents who co-parent effectively are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children. However, it is not easy. Research tells us that 2/3 of couple report a decline in their relationship satisfaction after having a baby. It’s important to normalise the massive impact that having a child has on any couple. Having a kid is not a death sentence for the couple but it requires work. Couples who feel most connection and satisfaction in their relationship since becoming parents have something in common: they have created a sense of ‘we-ness’, sharing in the sights and lows of parenting. They know that their relationship needs love and attention. To achieve this, it is important that you have communicate with one another effectively. Whether this is coming together to make a game plan to tackle baby’s new sleep schedule or taking time and space to really hear about what an experience has been like for your partner. Make sure that you talk and listen. Also, make sure that you both feel that the labour is fairly distributed, otherwise your relationship may struggle. When couples feel that they are sharing the load fairly, the family does better. I explain here how to discuss and organize a fair share of the load.
- Find your tribe: parenting was never meant to be done in isolation. When it says that it takes a village, it’s because it does! Don’t do it alone. Making time to see friends is not a luxury but a necessity.
- Understand what really matters for your child: We are afraid of making mistakes because we think that with every decision we make, we can ruin our children’s lives. This is not the case: small decisions such as whether to co-sleep or not, breastfeed or not, send them to a co-ed or a single-sex school, do not matter much. What matters? the relationship that you have with your child. A strong, trusting, loving relationship is the stronger predictor of your child’s mental health and wellbeing. If you find yourself agonizing about every single aspect of your child’s development: let go.
- Let go of the idea of perfection: Let’s change the idea of being a perfect parent for the idea of being a good enough parent. The idea of the good enough parent was formulated by a psychologist called Donald Winnicott. It doesn’t mean neglecting a child, it means knowing that as parents we will get it wrong sometimes and this is also a natural part of being a parent.
I hope this information is useful. I work with many parents in your same situation, if you want to discuss how I can support you, please get in touch.
These articles may also be helpful:
7 Myths About Parental Burnout?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
How to Deal with In-Laws: The Good, Bad, and Ugly
Staying Connected as a Parent When You Become Parents
I wish you and your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
All of us parents know that parenthood is both a joyful and a challenging experience, and that we can feel totally stressed out at times. But what happens if you experience too much stress, for too long, and don’t have the resources to cope with it? That’s when we can develop something called ‘parental burnout’ – when chronic parenting stress leaves us feeling exhausted, disconnected from our children and not being the parent we’d like to be (1).
The term ‘parental burnout’ has been around since the 1980s but there wasn’t any significant research into it until the last few years and that takes time to tickle down into the public conscience. So, despite it being a relatively common condition (5% of parents worldwide are suffering from burnout) (2), it’s not yet widely talked about or understood.
Given how distressing parental burnout can be for both parents and children, it’s really important that we raise awareness of it. A great place to start is Dr. Ana Aznar’s helpful overview article, and in this article, we’re going to bust some of the most common myths about parental burnout.
Myth #1: It Only Affects Mothers
The most common myth is that parental burnout only affects mothers, but that’s absolutely not the case – there’s a reason we call it ‘parental’ and not ‘maternal burnout’. Mothers might be most at risk as they often have the most contact with children and carry a disproportionate amount of the mental load, but fathers can, and do, burn out too.
In fact, some studies suggest that fathers may be even more vulnerable to parental burnout (3), perhaps because traditional gender roles have left fathers less prepared for the challenges of childcare and men may feel less able to seek emotional and practical support. Research also suggests that the consequences of parental burnout, such as withdrawing from your child or having escape fantasies, are also found to be more severe in fathers than in mothers.
Myth #2: It Only Affects Parents with Young Children
While it can be exhausting to be frequently managing tantrums, picky eating, and sleepless nights, parental burnout doesn’t just affect parents of young children – it can happen at any stage of parenting when a parent’s coping resources aren’t enough to cover the stress they’re under.
Parents of older children can be under just as much stress when their hands on, physical care isn’t needed. The tasks of parenthood change as children grow – parents of teens are dealing with more emotional and psychological challenges like mood swings, peer difficulties, risky behavior, and school issues. Not surprisingly, parents of older children and teens report feeling more emotional than physical forms of burnout.
Myth #3: It Only Affects Parents of Children with Special Needs
While it’s true that having a child with special needs is a risk factor for increased parental stress and burnout, no single risk factor is enough to trigger burnout on its own. Often, the most impactful risk factors have more to do with the parent or family system than the children such as parental perfectionism, difficulties with emotional regulation, lack of social support or household disorganization.
And this is good news – these are factors that are likely to be much more amenable to change and can be addressed with a therapist or coach.
Myth #4: It’s Not Real; It’s Just ‘Millennial Snowflakes’ Complaining
Millennials didn’t invent the term “parental burnout”. In fact, the earliest book I’ve read on parental burnout is from 1983; a time when the oldest millennials were just babies.
It’s likely that we’re hearing the term now because of two things – arguably the pressures on parents have increased in the last 40 years as the dominant parenting culture has become more ‘child-centred, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labour-intensive and financially expensive’ (4) which has made parental burnout more common.
And secondly, because we’re more aware of, and open to talking about, emotional and mental health than we were in previous generations. The stigma around talking about parental burnout really declined during the Covid-19 lockdowns when most parents felt exhausted by parenthood. One silver lining of that time was that the research literature on parental burnout rapidly grew with so many of us experiencing parental burnout and that will hopefully lead to better support for parents in future.
Myth #5: It Only Affects Single Parents
As we discovered with Myth #3, a single risk factor isn’t enough to cause parental burnout. It’s about the balance of stressors and resources you have. Not having a co-parenting partner is definitely a challenge, but that doesn’t mean having a co-parent makes life easier. In fact, in one study, single mothers were found to be less emotionally exhausted than partnered mothers who rated their partner as unavailable or only moderately available (5).
Single parents can be more vulnerable to burnout, not purely because of their single status, but because they are more likely to experience related risk factors such as lack of downtime, less financial security, and increased mental load. However, a single parent with a good support system and coping strategies is not necessarily more likely to burn out than a parent with a co-parenting partner.
Myth #6: It’s More Common in Disadvantaged Parents
We commonly see social and economic disadvantage as a causal factor in many mental health conditions but that’s not what we find with parental burnout. On the contrary, research shows that it tends to happen more in well-educated, affluent families (6).
We need more research to fully understand why this is the case. It might be related to personality traits – these parents could be more achievement-focused and perfectionistic, putting undue pressure on themselves and their children, or being hyper-aware of all the parenting advice and trying to execute it perfectly. Or it could be that these families are more likely to have moved away from their families of origin and hometowns for work and are more isolated.
Myth #7: It’s More Common in Parents Who Work Long Hours
Perhaps you thought about those affluent parents and wondered whether they’re more stressed because they work long hours. But this might surprise you – parents who work part-time or stay at home are actually more likely to burn out than those who work full-time (1).
These parents often spend more time with their children and take on more of the parental responsibilities, which means they’re more exposed to the stressors of childcare and less exposed to the rewards of work – like accomplishment, adult company, and financial independence. Their balance of stressors and resources is therefore more likely to be unbalanced, and their risk of developing parental burnout increased.
Conclusion
Parental burnout doesn’t fit neatly into one box – there’s no single “type” of burned out parent or a specific risk factor that causes burnout. Any parent can experience burnout if they face more stress than they have the resources to cope with. It’s not a personal failing.
The good news? Burnout can be managed. By addressing the balance between stressors and resources, research shows that the symptoms of parental burnout can improve, along with the associated stress hormone levels (7). So, if you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional and get the support you need so you can get back to enjoying family life.
About the Author
Dr. Katy Hill is a clinical psychologist with over 20 years’ experience of working across a variety of different NHS and university psychology departments. She was the first UK clinical psychologist to qualify as a certified parental burnout practitioner with the Training Institute of Parental Burnout in 2022. As a mum of three herself, Dr. Katy is passionate about supporting parents to reduce their stress levels, manage difficult emotions and improve relationships with their children, and themselves. You can find her at www.drkatyhill.com or on Instagram @theparentalstresspsychologist.
References
(1) Mikolajczak, M., Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., & Roskam, I. (2023). 15 years of parental burnout research: Systematic review and agenda. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32(4), 276-283.https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214221142777
(2) Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2021). The slippery slope of parental exhaustion: A process model of parental burnout. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 77, 101354.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2021.101354
(3) Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Gender differences in the nature, antecedents and consequences of parental burnout. Sex Roles, 83(7), 485-498. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5
(4) Hays, S. (1998). The fallacious assumptions and unrealistic prescriptions of attachment theory: A comment on” Parents’ Socioemotional Investment in Children”. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(3), 782-790. https://doi.org/10.2307/353546
(5) Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Wendland, J., & Boujut, E. (2021). Who are and are not the burnout moms? A cluster analysis study of French-speaking mothers. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 4, 100091. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadr.2021.100091
(6) Mikolajczak, M., Brianda, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child abuse & neglect, 80, 134-145.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025
(7) Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Hair cortisol concentration as a biomarker of parental burnout. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 117, 104681.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104681
