“Do you have any lone parent advice? I am newly single dad after my girlfriend left, and I am struggling (don’t have any family in the state either)”
I am sorry to hear you are struggling but not at all surprised. If parenting with someone else is hard, parenting on your own is even harder.
You are finding it particularly hard now because everything is new, and you and your child need to adapt to this new situation. Think that as you get used to your new situation, things will get easier.
You mention that you don’t have any family close by. However, parenting was never meant to be done alone. You need to find your tribe. If your child goes to nursery or school, are there any parents that you can team up with? Or maybe any neighbours with kids? You could organize carpools, or playdates in each other houses, so you all get “time off” to get things done and possibly some rest when it is not your turn to take care of the kids.
There are many mothers and fathers in your situation. According to the Pew Research Center, between 25% to 30% of children under the age of 18 in the US live in a single-parent household. In general, research tends to find no differences between children living with two parents and children living with one parent. Try to find dads in your same situation. There are online communities of single dads that you could join and maybe there are also single dad groups in your local area.
Single parents bear the burden of making difficult parenting decisions on their own. This is why it is important that you understand how much parents matter so you do not agonize over decisions that do not matter that much. What matters for child development? The most important predictor in children’s development is whether they have a good relationship with their parents. Children tend to do better when their parents are loving, caring, and set up clear and consistent rules. This is why children who have authoritative parents tend to do better than children of parents who favour other parenting styles. Usually, small decisions which parents tend to worry about do not make a big difference in how their child turns out. Your child’s future does not depend totally on you. Focus on the quality of your relationship. Give your child lots of love and provide consistent rules. Try not to worry about every single decision you make, because most likely it will not matter in the long term
Single parenthood can be particularly tough on your mental health. It is important that you take care of yourself to manage your stress and avoid burnout. Remember that when in the case of parents: self-care is childcare. Your child needs you to be strong and well. Create boundaries, ask for help, and remember that you do not need to be the perfect father. The perfect parent does not exist, we all make mistakes and it is not the end of the world.
You may find these articles useful:
Do You Have Advice for Stress Relief for Parents?
How Does Parental Mental Health Affect a Child?
I wish you all the very best. If you need support, please do not hesitate to get in touch.
Love,
Ana
All of us parents know that parenthood is both a joyful and a challenging experience, and that we can feel totally stressed out at times. But what happens if you experience too much stress, for too long, and don’t have the resources to cope with it? That’s when we can develop something called ‘parental burnout’ – when chronic parenting stress leaves us feeling exhausted, disconnected from our children and not being the parent we’d like to be (1).
The term ‘parental burnout’ has been around since the 1980s but there wasn’t any significant research into it until the last few years and that takes time to tickle down into the public conscience. So, despite it being a relatively common condition (5% of parents worldwide are suffering from burnout) (2), it’s not yet widely talked about or understood.
Given how distressing parental burnout can be for both parents and children, it’s really important that we raise awareness of it. A great place to start is Dr. Ana Aznar’s helpful overview article, and in this article, we’re going to bust some of the most common myths about parental burnout.
Myth #1: It Only Affects Mothers
The most common myth is that parental burnout only affects mothers, but that’s absolutely not the case – there’s a reason we call it ‘parental’ and not ‘maternal burnout’. Mothers might be most at risk as they often have the most contact with children and carry a disproportionate amount of the mental load, but fathers can, and do, burn out too.
In fact, some studies suggest that fathers may be even more vulnerable to parental burnout (3), perhaps because traditional gender roles have left fathers less prepared for the challenges of childcare and men may feel less able to seek emotional and practical support. Research also suggests that the consequences of parental burnout, such as withdrawing from your child or having escape fantasies, are also found to be more severe in fathers than in mothers.
Myth #2: It Only Affects Parents with Young Children
While it can be exhausting to be frequently managing tantrums, picky eating, and sleepless nights, parental burnout doesn’t just affect parents of young children – it can happen at any stage of parenting when a parent’s coping resources aren’t enough to cover the stress they’re under.
Parents of older children can be under just as much stress when their hands on, physical care isn’t needed. The tasks of parenthood change as children grow – parents of teens are dealing with more emotional and psychological challenges like mood swings, peer difficulties, risky behavior, and school issues. Not surprisingly, parents of older children and teens report feeling more emotional than physical forms of burnout.
Myth #3: It Only Affects Parents of Children with Special Needs
While it’s true that having a child with special needs is a risk factor for increased parental stress and burnout, no single risk factor is enough to trigger burnout on its own. Often, the most impactful risk factors have more to do with the parent or family system than the children such as parental perfectionism, difficulties with emotional regulation, lack of social support or household disorganization.
And this is good news – these are factors that are likely to be much more amenable to change and can be addressed with a therapist or coach.
Myth #4: It’s Not Real; It’s Just ‘Millennial Snowflakes’ Complaining
Millennials didn’t invent the term “parental burnout”. In fact, the earliest book I’ve read on parental burnout is from 1983; a time when the oldest millennials were just babies.
It’s likely that we’re hearing the term now because of two things – arguably the pressures on parents have increased in the last 40 years as the dominant parenting culture has become more ‘child-centred, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labour-intensive and financially expensive’ (4) which has made parental burnout more common.
And secondly, because we’re more aware of, and open to talking about, emotional and mental health than we were in previous generations. The stigma around talking about parental burnout really declined during the Covid-19 lockdowns when most parents felt exhausted by parenthood. One silver lining of that time was that the research literature on parental burnout rapidly grew with so many of us experiencing parental burnout and that will hopefully lead to better support for parents in future.
Myth #5: It Only Affects Single Parents
As we discovered with Myth #3, a single risk factor isn’t enough to cause parental burnout. It’s about the balance of stressors and resources you have. Not having a co-parenting partner is definitely a challenge, but that doesn’t mean having a co-parent makes life easier. In fact, in one study, single mothers were found to be less emotionally exhausted than partnered mothers who rated their partner as unavailable or only moderately available (5).
Single parents can be more vulnerable to burnout, not purely because of their single status, but because they are more likely to experience related risk factors such as lack of downtime, less financial security, and increased mental load. However, a single parent with a good support system and coping strategies is not necessarily more likely to burn out than a parent with a co-parenting partner.
Myth #6: It’s More Common in Disadvantaged Parents
We commonly see social and economic disadvantage as a causal factor in many mental health conditions but that’s not what we find with parental burnout. On the contrary, research shows that it tends to happen more in well-educated, affluent families (6).
We need more research to fully understand why this is the case. It might be related to personality traits – these parents could be more achievement-focused and perfectionistic, putting undue pressure on themselves and their children, or being hyper-aware of all the parenting advice and trying to execute it perfectly. Or it could be that these families are more likely to have moved away from their families of origin and hometowns for work and are more isolated.
Myth #7: It’s More Common in Parents Who Work Long Hours
Perhaps you thought about those affluent parents and wondered whether they’re more stressed because they work long hours. But this might surprise you – parents who work part-time or stay at home are actually more likely to burn out than those who work full-time (1).
These parents often spend more time with their children and take on more of the parental responsibilities, which means they’re more exposed to the stressors of childcare and less exposed to the rewards of work – like accomplishment, adult company, and financial independence. Their balance of stressors and resources is therefore more likely to be unbalanced, and their risk of developing parental burnout increased.
Conclusion
Parental burnout doesn’t fit neatly into one box – there’s no single “type” of burned out parent or a specific risk factor that causes burnout. Any parent can experience burnout if they face more stress than they have the resources to cope with. It’s not a personal failing.
The good news? Burnout can be managed. By addressing the balance between stressors and resources, research shows that the symptoms of parental burnout can improve, along with the associated stress hormone levels (7). So, if you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or a professional and get the support you need so you can get back to enjoying family life.
About the Author
Dr. Katy Hill is a clinical psychologist with over 20 years’ experience of working across a variety of different NHS and university psychology departments. She was the first UK clinical psychologist to qualify as a certified parental burnout practitioner with the Training Institute of Parental Burnout in 2022. As a mum of three herself, Dr. Katy is passionate about supporting parents to reduce their stress levels, manage difficult emotions and improve relationships with their children, and themselves. You can find her at www.drkatyhill.com or on Instagram @theparentalstresspsychologist.
References
(1) Mikolajczak, M., Aunola, K., Sorkkila, M., & Roskam, I. (2023). 15 years of parental burnout research: Systematic review and agenda. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32(4), 276-283.https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214221142777
(2) Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2021). The slippery slope of parental exhaustion: A process model of parental burnout. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 77, 101354.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2021.101354
(3) Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Gender differences in the nature, antecedents and consequences of parental burnout. Sex Roles, 83(7), 485-498. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5
(4) Hays, S. (1998). The fallacious assumptions and unrealistic prescriptions of attachment theory: A comment on” Parents’ Socioemotional Investment in Children”. Journal of Marriage and Family, 60(3), 782-790. https://doi.org/10.2307/353546
(5) Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Wendland, J., & Boujut, E. (2021). Who are and are not the burnout moms? A cluster analysis study of French-speaking mothers. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 4, 100091. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadr.2021.100091
(6) Mikolajczak, M., Brianda, M. E., Avalosse, H., & Roskam, I. (2018). Consequences of parental burnout: Its specific effect on child neglect and violence. Child abuse & neglect, 80, 134-145.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2018.03.025
(7) Brianda, M. E., Roskam, I., & Mikolajczak, M. (2020). Hair cortisol concentration as a biomarker of parental burnout. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 117, 104681.https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2020.104681
Parental burnout is not the ‘typical’ parenting stress. Feeling stress is ‘normal’, common and even necessary.
Parental burnout is something else. It happens when parenting stress impedes parents to cope. When parents lack the resources needed to handle their parenting demands, they may develop parental burnout.
It is characterized by three main features:
- Intense exhaustion: physical, emotional, or both.
- Feeling emotionally distant from one’s child.
- Feeling doubtful of one’ capacity to be a good parent
Parents feel exhausted just by thinking about their role as parents. As a result, parents gradually detach from their children. They become less and less involved and in the end their interactions are limited to logistics and functional. Consequently, parents begin to feel that they are not good parents, and their relationship with their children is damaged.
We can all experience these symptoms at some time. But when a parent is burnout, they experience them frequently and strongly.
What Is the Difference Between Parental Burnout and Depression?
Parental burnout and depression can look quite similar, but they are different.
Parental burnout is specific to the parenting domain. You feel exhausted when being with your kids. You don’t enjoy being with the kids. You find tough dealing with everything to do with the kids. In contrast, you are totally fine at work, you enjoy spending time with your friends, and you enjoy any hobbies you may have.
Depression is more global. It’s all encompassing. You feel low. You feel tired. You feel uninterested across all aspects of your life.
How Many Parents Experience Parental Burnout?
The research on parental burnout is quite new.
Studies in 42 countries show that around 5% of parents experience parental burnout. In the Western world, this figure goes up to 8%. This is about 1 parent in every classroom.
Parental burnout is more common in Europe and the US. This is probably because these countries are very individualistic and because parenting has become increasingly demanding over the last 50 years.
Parents of neurodivergent children are more likely to experience parental burnout.
Both mothers and fathers can experience parental burnout.
Who is More Likely to Experience Parental Burnout?
These are the parents who are more at risk:
- Those who aim to be perfect parents.
- Those who have difficulties regulating their emotions and their stress.
- Don’t have emotional or practical support from their coparent or who don’t have a tribe.
- Those who don’t have much knowledge about how to raise their kids.
- Those who have children with special needs.
- Those who work part-time or are stay-at-home parents
Why Does Parental Burnout Matter?
Parental burnout has been linked with:
- Depression, addiction, and sleep problems.
- Thoughts of running away and committing suicide.
- Child neglect and child maltreatment.
- High levels of job turnover intention, and a decrease in job satisfaction.
- Conflict within the couple.
- A reduction of the quality of life and life satisfaction of the family members.
I Think I Am Experiencing Parental Burnout… What Do I Do?
If you are struggling, and you suspect that you may be experiencing parental burnout, I highly recommend that you see a specialist. Our REC Parenting therapists are here to support you. You just need to get in touch with me here and we will organize the support your need. Remember that taking care of yourself is taking care of your family.
Much love,
Ana
