“Hi Dr. Ana, I have a slightly silly question about how to co parent with someone you still love? i know my ex and I are not compatible anymore, but I still love him so much and worried that it’s going to start impacting how we parent our son together.”
This is not at all a silly question! I would say it is quite a difficult situation for you to face. Co-parenting is never easy, co-parenting with an ex is even more complicated, and if you are still in love with your ex it makes it even more complicated!
The most important thing is that even if it is difficult, you must always put your child’s interests first. Remember that what matters for children is not the divorce itself, but the level of conflict between their parents.
You need to find a way to co-parent effectively with your ex. Co-parenting refers to the relationship between parents that goes beyond the romantic relationship. Parents who co-parent successfully are those who cooperate, support each other, confide and trust in each other, and who experience low conflict levels related to their children.
Research shows that co-parenting quality is an important factor determining mental health in children. Co-parenting is key to maintaining family well-being and high-quality relationships between family members. Regardless of whether the parents are together or divorced, children whose parents work well together to raise them, tend to be better off during early childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.
Here are some thoughts you should consider and reflect about:
- It is usually a good idea to create a parenting plan. In this article we explain how to do it and why it is a good idea.
- Keep a united front. You are not together but you should try to remain a team for your child. Your child is likely to do better if both parents stick to the same rules and routines. It is not good for children to live with parents that have a very difficult relationship and fight a lot. Never use your child as a weapon to hurt your ex or use him as a messenger between you and your ex.
- Be respectful towards your ex-partner. Refer to him in a nice way and try to appreciate his good points. This may sound difficult but consider it from your child’s point of view. Your son seems himself as being a part of each one of you, so if you are constantly trashing your ex, think how this will make your son feel about himself.
- Remember also that it is better for your child to have consistent rules and limits at both houses. Ideally, your child will go to bed at the same time or have the same rules regarding screen time, regardless of whether he is with you or your ex.
- Tell your child that you and your ex don’t love each other like you used to but that you both will always love them and that nothing that has happened is their fault.
- Take care of yourself. The pain you feel now will most likely fade away with a bit of time. It is normal to feel pain after a breakup, especially if you are still in love with him. Seeing friends, spending time outdoors, exercising, sleeping well and doing things you enjoy, will help you deal with your emotions during this time.
These articles may also be useful:
I Am Newly Separated and Struggling
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
I wish you all the very best and if you want to discuss it further, do not hesitate to get in touch with me.
Lots of love,
Ana
“What is conscious co parenting, or do you have any tips on healthy co-parenting? I’m newly divorced and struggling with balancing the new type of relationship we now have.“
Co-parenting can sometimes be difficult. Co-parenting between divorced parents can sometimes feel like an ordeal.
The most important thing is that even if it is difficult, you must always put your child’s interests first. Remember that what matter for children is not the divorce itself, but the level of conflict between their parents. It is not good for children to live with parents that have a very difficult relationship and fight a lot. Never use your child as a weapon to hurt your ex or use him as a messenger between you and your ex.
If you have not already done it, I really recommend that you and your ex-partner create a parenting plan. In this plan, you will reach an agreement about every detail of your child’s life, like: who should the school contact when there is a problem, who will decide and pay for extracurricular activities, how to discipline your child, or how much contact your child will have with the extended family. You can find a detailed explanation of a parenting plan and few template ideas here.
Remember also that it is better for your child to have consistent rules and limits at both houses. Ideally, your child will go to bed at the same time or have the same rules regarding screen time, regardless of whether he is with you or your ex.
Try to have frequent conversations about your child with your ex-partner. It will be good for your child if you are both on the same page and put a united front whenever there are important issues to discuss. If direct communication is tricky, communicate via email. The important thing is that you communicate for the sake of your child.
It will also be positive for your child, if you and your ex attend teachers’ meetings together or spend important holidays or birthdays together.
Tell your child that you and your ex don’t love each other like you used to but that you both will always love them and that nothing that has happened is their fault.
Let their teachers know what is happening at home, so they can keep an eye on your child, in case he struggles for a bit. Think that many children experience a decline in their wellbeing for a while after their parents divorce, but most of them bounce back after a year or so.
If you want to discuss it further, please do get in touch with me.
I wish you and your family all the best in this new stage of your life.
You may also find these articles useful:
Should We Divorce or Stay Together for the Kids?
Create a Successful Parenting Plan (& Parenting Template Ideas)
My Partner and I Have Different Parenting Styles
I Am Newly Separated and Struggling
Love,
Ana
