“My daughter’s grandmother, my mother, will sometimes shut my daughter down by critiquing her, for example, telling her she should clean up her room before she makes dance videos with her friends. Note, she’s showing these to my mom because she’s excited about the dances she is creating and wants her to be excited for her too. It makes my daughter feel badly when my mom criticizes her and she wishes she would focus more on the more positive parts of the video she’s sharing, like the dancing or the fun she’s having in making the videos. How do I support my daughter with this dilemma? My daughter is 14 and doesn’t want to make a big deal about it and definitely does not want me to say anything to my mother. It’s important to also note that they generally have a really close relationship which is why it’s so hurtful to my daughter when this kind of thing happens. My mom used to do this with me when I was young too, be nit picky on certain things and it kept me from wanting to tell her things. I want to support my daughter by respecting her wishes to not say something to my mom, but I also don’t want her to be put in a situation where she feels badly or won’t advocate for her feelings. Any suggestions?”
This situation happens often. What is happening is a disconnect between the things your daughter considers important and the things your mum consider important. To your daughter, her dance videos are really important. Your mum does not understand how important they are to your daughter, and she considers that things like having a tidy room are more important.
I understand this is upsetting to your daughter but let’s take this situation as a learning opportunity. Explain to your daughter that many times in life, there will be moments when people that love her will not share her same passions or interests. Tell her that her grandma loves her deeply and she does not want to hurt her feelings, it is simply that her grandma does not realize how important the dance videos are to her. Take this opportunity to teach her about the importance of being assertive, this is, the ability to tell someone how we feel and what we want without hurting the other person’s feelings. So, she could practice telling her grandmother something like: “Grandma, these videos are important for me, so I would really love for you to like them, too. I love you and I want to share this you, but it hurts me when you criticize me for making them”.
I wish you three all the very best!
Love,
Ana
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