“Please can you advise on why my toddler says no to everything? My mother-in-law said it’s a “normal toddler no phase” but I’m getting so fed up!”
I am afraid that on this occasion your mother-in-law is right! It is totally normal (and even good) for your toddler to be saying ‘no’ to everything. Your child is saying ‘no’ to everything because he is becoming his own person, with his own opinions and thoughts. He is learning that he is not an extension of you. Your toddler has found out that he has a will, and he is using it.
Having said this, I understand your frustration. Here are some tips you may find useful:
- Offer him some choices: in the same way that they say ‘no’ to us, we also say ‘no’ to our toddlers all the time. So, when possible and within reason: let them choose (e.g., “Do you want a banana or an apple?”; “Do you want the red or the blue pyjamas?”). This strategy can save you a few ‘nos’.
- I know it is difficult, but try not to give him a big reaction when he says ‘no’.
- Let him help you: toddlers usually love to help their parents. Let him help at the supermarket, cleaning or cooking (and yes, you will need patience to do this as well).
- Try to distract him and to make him laugh when he says ‘no’. This usually works really well and saves you from having another power struggle.
- Remember that this phase will finish. It won’t last forever!
You may find these articles useful:
I Think I Have a Defiant 3-Year-Old
Tips on Toddler Aggression: When to Worry?
I hope this information helps. I wish your family all the very best.
Love,
Ana
“I think I have a defiant 3 year old. It’s so much more than pushing boundaries or testing them or whatever our pediatrician says. It feels like he hates us for just existing.”
Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) is a type of disruptive behaviour disorder that involves difficulties managing emotions and behaviours. Symptoms begin before the age of 8 and almost always before the early teen years.
All children are challenging at times and therefore it is sometimes difficult to recognize the difference between a strong-willed child and one with ODD. Children with ODD are very often angry, irritable, and defiant towards parents and other authority figures. They often show a behaviour called vindictiveness, which includes being spiteful and seeking revengeful.
Symptoms include:
Angry and irritable mood:
- Often and easily loses temper
- Is frequently touchy and easily annoyed by others
- Is often resentful and angry
Argumentative and defiant behaviour:
- Often argues with adults or people in authority
- Often actively defies or refuses to follow adults’ requests or rules
- Often annoys other people on purpose
- Often blames others for own mistakes
Hurtful and revengeful behavior:
- Says mean and hateful things when upset
- Tries to hurt the feelings of others and seeks revenge (vindictive behaviour)
- Has shown vindictive behaviour at least twice in the past six months
For some children, symptoms may happen only at home but with time, they may also appear in other settings, such as school or with friends. Children with ODD tend to have problems with relationships, school, and peers.
If after reading this information you still think your child may have ODD, seek help from a child psychologist or child psychiatrist with expertise in this area. Treatment usually involves: Parent management training (PMT), talk therapy, and school-based interventions.
I hope you find this information useful. I wish you and your child all the very best.
Love,
Ana
