How to End my Relationship with my Abusive Mother?
“Do you have any advice on how to end my relationship with my abusive long-distance mother? I don’t want to shut it down without any notice or discussion or understanding, I want to make this as gentle as possible for her, but I can’t keep going with this toxic relationship that’s emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and is only not physically abusive after I moved far away. I’m a 35 y/o woman and an only child to her as a single mother (and she sometimes says I’m her only reason to keep living), so I know this will hit her hard no matter what. Do you have any tips?”
I am very sorry to hear this. The best tip I can give you is to seek psychological therapy to help you work through all the negative emotions you have about your mother and to cut ties with her if this is what you really want.
I do not recommend you go through this process alone because although I can understand that this decision may be what you need, it will not be easy. People who go through this process may find space to heal but they often talk about feeling guilt, remorse, sadness, and relief. At the same time people often say that it is difficult to deal with the stigma associated with it. Cultural stigma (e.g., “But she is your mother, and you only get one”) is usually specially challenging for daughters who cut contact with their mother. You need support to process all these emotions.
I do not know the details of your relationship with your mother but before cutting ties with her, it may be worth exploring ways to work on your relationship. It may be that you take a contact break, you have limited contact, or that you work to set stronger boundaries.
Going “no contact” may be what you need but it will not solve all the deep feelings you have about your mother. You will still have a lot of very complex feelings to unpack, cultural stigma to deal with, and you may have family members who will not understand your decision. This is why I encourage you to get psychological support.
I wish you all the very best.
Ana
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How Should I Cut Ties with a Toxic Daughter?
