How to Survive as a Newly Single Mother?

“I suppose this might be a wide question, but do you have advice on how to survive as a single mother? I am newly divorced and am finding it very difficult to mentally tackle the single-parenting load while also taking care of myself. Thank you!” 

I am sorry you are finding this transition difficult. However, I am not at all surprised; parenting is tough, but single parenting is even tougher. I don’t know your specific circumstances but here are a few things I would like you to consider: 

1. You are going through a life transition. It may not be what you wanted but take it as an opportunity to think about how you want the next stage of your life to look like. To do this, it is a good idea to reflect on your values. You have many decisions to make regarding your own life and your child’s life, when you are clear on your values, making those decisions becomes much easier. When your values are clear, you don’t end up doing things just because everyone else is doing it. Or you don’t listen to advice that is not aligned with how you want to live your life.  

2. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to be the perfect mother: Our society has the idea that mothers need to be perfect. That we need to be able to do everything to the highest standard. Always be there for our children, never lose it, work as if we didn’t have kids and have kids as if we don’t have a job. This is impossible. Trying to be perfect will only lead you to burn out. Instead adopt the idea of the “good enough” parent. This idea was formulated by a psychologist called Donald Winnicott. It doesn’t mean neglecting a child it means knowing that as parents we will get it wrong sometimes and it is OK. Human relationships are not perfect and trying to be the perfect parent, gives your child the wrong idea of how social relationships work. A perfect mother cannot prepare children for an imperfect world.  

3. You must take care of yourself otherwise you will burn out and you will become resentful. And when I say that you need to take care of yourself, I mean that you shouldn’t lose your identity. To do this, it is key that you learn to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is not being selfish, it is a form of self-care. You need clear boundaries in this new stage of your life.  

4. You may not have a partner, but you need your tribe: we are not designed to be alone; we are social beings. We need people, and as parents we need a support system.  It is very easy as a single parent to feel lonely; feeling lonely is not good for you or your child’s mental health. So, make sure that you make time for friends and family. This is not a luxury but a need.  

5. I don’t know what your custody arrangements are, but if your ex is present in your child’s life, it is a good idea to be as aligned as possible for the sake of your child and to share the mental load as much as possible. Creating a parenting plan is usually a good idea. Find more about how to create one and some templates here.  

I coach mothers going through your same situation. I don’t have a magic wand to solve your problems, but what I do have are strategies that can help live your life in a way that aligns with your values and goals. Get in touch if this resonates with you and want to find out more.  

I wish you all the very best.  

Love, 

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar 

Related articles: 

Do You Have Any Lone Parent Advice? 

I Am Newly Separated and Struggling 

I Feel like a Mom Slave: What Do I Do? 

Do You Have Advice for Stress Relief for Parents?