My 4-Year-Old Is Out of Control

“my 4 year old is out of control do you have any advice? he’s peeing on things purposefully, trying to rip things off the walls, tearing at furniture, etc.”

It seems that your son is having trouble self-regulating. What you need to do is set up a clear behaviour strategy around him. This is how you do it: 

• You must make it clear that any kind of violent behaviour is unacceptable. 
• Do not be scared or anxious around him when he becomes violent because sensing your anxiety may make him become more anxious and cause his violent behaviour to escalate. So, as difficult as you may find it, try to keep calm no matter what he does.  
• Tell him that every time he is violent, there will be a consequence. The consequence can be taking a privilege away for a period. I don’t know what he likes, but it could be taking her tablet away for three days or not having playdates for a week. The key here is to be very consistent: there must be a consequence every single time he gets violent.  
• Do not try to reason with him while he is in the middle of an angry outburst because he simply cannot focus on what you are saying when he is so dysregulated.  

• At the same time, you need to help him learn to regulate his emotions. Once the angry outburst has passed, you tell him that it is OK to feel angry, but it is not OK to hit others or break things. Then you need to give him alternatives: instead of hitting when you feel angry what can you do? You could outside and run around in the garden, or you could close your fists tightly. 
• It is important that everyone who cares for your son (father, grandparents, babysitters) follow this same approach. Consistency is very important.  
• It is also important that he has a consistent routine: he should get enough sleep, follow a healthy diet, spend time outdoors, play sports, and see friends and family.  
• Praise him. Children like to please their parents, so whenever he does something good, praise him and smile at him: “Look how well you have shared with your brother”; “You have helped me so much today”.
• Regarding the peeing, you want to make it more rewarding for him to use the toilet. Praise him every time he uses the toilet, and you may consider giving him a small reward or creating a reward chart. Whenever he pees anywhere else, don’t give him a big reaction and say something like: “Oh you pee over here. Let’s clean it up”. Pass him some paper towels and have him help cleaning. Then tell him he must remember to use the toilet whenever he needs to pee. Tell him that everyone uses the toilet. Do this every time he pees anywhere but the toilet. 
• Finally, always remember your child is not bad or aggressive. It is just that sometimes he behaves aggressively. 

Whereas it is not developmentally unusual for children to be violent at times, if he does not manage to regulate his angry outbursts, it may be a good idea talking to her paediatrician in case there is something else going on. I would also talk to his teacher to see how he is behaving at school: is he having violent outburst also in school? Does he have friends and get on well with other children. If at school he is behaving OK, it suggests that he is able to regulate herself.  

Finally, do not forget to take care of yourself. You are going through a difficult situation, and it is important you feel strong to deal with it.  

I hope this information helps and I wish you all the very best. If you want to discuss it more detail, please do not hesitate to get in touch with me.  

Love, 

I wish you all the very best. 

Ana

Dr Ana Aznar

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My 5 Year Old Is Not Listening at Kindergarten

Why Is my 4-Year-Old So Mean?

Fostering Emotional Intelligence in Children: A Guide for Parents