How to Survive a Newborn? It Is So Hard!
“Please, when does the newborn stage get easier? How to survive a newborn??? This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and i’m declining mentally.”
I see you, I understand you, I feel you. Nothing is as hard as becoming a mother. The sad truth is that no one really prepares us for it. Yes, people talk about the lack of sleep, not being able to take a shower alone, and not having time to even wash your hair. But becoming a mother is much more than that. Becoming a mother is the biggest transition women go through in their lifetime, yet in the Western world, we do not celebrate nor do we acknowledge it.
When we become mothers, we go through profound physical, hormonal, neurobiological, and identity changes. Our whole identity changes. You are not the same person you were before. Your body is not your body anymore, it changes and you may feel touched out and feel desperately in need of being alone. You have a human being totally dependent on you. To make things worse, people will tell you that you will bounce back and go back to normal. As if the physical, cognitive, and identity changes that becoming a mother carry, should not only not be embraced but buried under the carpet. You don’t need to bounce back, you don’t need to go back to who you were because your whole universe has shifted. You will never go back to who you were. So, ditch the pressure to bounce back.
This process of becoming a mother is called matrescence and it has been totally ignored until very recently. We are now beginning to understand how matrescence works, and I can tell you that the changes we go through when we become a mother are massive. Our brain changes to an extent that neuroscientists can determine if a woman is a mother, just by looking at the image of her brain. The changes a woman’s brain experience when she becomes a mother are only comparable to the changes the brain goes through during adolescence. MASSIVE.
This means that at this time our mental health can be very fragile. One in 5 pregnant or new mothers develop a mental health condition. Typically, we develop postpartum depression and anxiety but some women go on to having more serious conditions, such as postpartum psychosis.
You are going through a period of life that can be very hard. You need to take care of yourself. You need to pay attention to your mental health. You need to do it because you need to be strong to take care of your baby but also because you matter. If you would like some support during your matrescence, please get in touch with me. Simply understanding how matrescence works may help you through this process.
There are some aspects you should consider:
- Understand that becoming a mother is a deeply ambivalent experience: yes, you love your baby, but you may also be feeling sad, overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, angry, and everything in between. Whatever you are feeling is absolutely fine. There are no good or bad feelings.
- Do you have a support system? Do you have a partner, a mother, a sister, a friend, a neighbour…. That you can chat with and tell them how you feel? Is someone available to give you a hand with the baby or with the house? Try not to do it alone. Parenting was never meant to be done alone. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. Becoming a mother is the most difficult thing you will ever do. If you don’t have a support system, consider if there are things you may delegate or automatize (e.g., taking the laundry to the dry cleaners, ordering food instead of cooking, having groceries delivered…).
- Share the mental load. If you have a partner, have a chat about everything that needs to be done now the baby is here and try to get to a point where you think you are sharing the load fairly. The mental load of mothers is very heavy and if you feel you are the one dealing with most of it, it may damage your mental health and your relationship.
- Don’t lose your identity. Don’t lose yourself in motherhood. It is very common for mothers to put everyone’s needs above themselves to the point of losing perspective of our own needs and feelings. Please, please, please convince yourself that taking care of yourself is not selfish. When you become a mother, self-care is child-care. Mothers don’t need to be martyrs.
- Let go of the idea of the perfect mother. You don’t need to be perfect. The perfect mother does not exist. Instead, adopt a good enough approach: you won’t get it always right and it’s OK.
- Learn about child development. In general, parents who know about it feel more confident and enjoy their parenting journey more. I am not saying you need a master’s in child psychology but knowing what is normal at what age, gives you peace of mind and allows you to adjust your expectations as to what the baby can or cannot do. At REC Parenting, you have over 250 articles on many different aspects of child development that will be useful.
- And finally, I promise you things will get easier. Being a mother, like any other skills, becomes easier the more you do it. Once you get the baby into a routine, it will get easier.
I hope this information helps. Please do not struggle alone. We are to support you.
I wish you and your little one all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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