Should You Let Your Child Quit?
Your child begged you to sign him up to karate and after much planning, organizing schedules, and calculating financials, you signed him up. And two weeks after the club has started (just when you have bought him the full kit, naturally) … he comes home saying: “I don’t want to do it anymore”. What to do? Do you let him quit or do you force him to keep doing it?
The quick answer is that as in most parenting decisions, there is not a right or wrong answer. It comes down to your own personal values and your child’s particular situation. But let’s dive a little bit deeper into this issue in case you are facing this situation.
Why Does Your Child Want to Quit?
Ideally you want to start by understanding why your child wants to quit. It is not the same that he wants to quit because he does not like the activity than because he feels overwhelmed by homework and other commitments. It could be that she likes the activity but not a specific aspect of it: your daughter likes ballet, but she hates wearing tights. Or it could be that your son loves football but the coach shouts at him and it makes him want to quit. If your child does not like the activity that is one thing but if he does not like an aspect of it, maybe there are adjustments you both can make so he keeps going.
If you ask your child: “Why do you want to quit?”, he will probably respond with: “I don’t know”. So, it may be better to ask: “What do you like/dislike about it?” Don’t rush to give him your opinion or to offer your ideas. Listen to what he has to say.
Is Quitting that Activity Going to Impact Your Child’s Life?
If your child wants to quit playing a sport and it will mean that he won’t do any sports at all, it may be a good idea to push him to keep going or telling him that he can quit as long as he takes on another sport. Tell him that he should do at least one sport because it is good for him. But if your child is already doing so many activities that he has no time to play on his own or he is constantly exhausted, it may not be a bad idea to let him quit.
If you live close to the sea or have a swimming pool and therefore it is vital that your child learns to swim, do not let him quit. Just explain to him that swimming lessons are mandatory until he becomes a confident swimmer.
What Skills Are You Trying to Teach Your Child?
Forcing your child to keep going may teach him valuable skills in life:
1) venturing outside their comfort zone
2) the fact that practice usually makes you better at a skill (although you may not be great)
3) commitment
4) perseverance
All these skills are important ones to learn and develop, however letting your child quit does not mean he is never going to acquire them. There will probably be other learning opportunities along the way.
On the other hand, allowing them to quit may also teach them valuable skills:
1) listening to their own needs
2) being assertive
What Are Your Own Beliefs Regarding Quitting?
Analyse your own reactions: maybe you are horrified at the idea of your child quitting. You may think: “In this house, we are not quitters”; “I have spent so much money on it”; or “You cannot let your team down”. Or maybe you let them quit everything all the time because you do not want your child to experience any discomfort.
Check your own values: why do you want him to quit or to keep doing it? Do you associate quitting with failing? Do you think that it is totally fine quitting what you don’t like? Maybe you want your daughter to do ballet because you never did it as a child and it was your dream? Or although you are not very musical, you want your son to play the piano because all the kids in his class play and you do not want him to be left out.
The Decision-Making Process
It is usually not the best idea to agree for him to quit right after a disastrous game or not being chosen to be the star ballerina at the Christmas show. Similarly, do not let him quit just as you are picking him up, as he has probably had a long day, is tired and hungry. And you probably are too. Now is not the time to make decisions. Tell him you will discuss it tomorrow.
How Old Is Your Child?
Understand development: younger kids do not understand why quitting is such a complicated issue. They will not understand what mixed feelings are. They do not understand why you may be feeling angry or disappointed. With younger kids, parents have more of an input to give them. With teenagers, it may be more appropriate to let them choose for themselves.
What If Your Co-partner and You Disagree?
You may be ready to phone the swimming coach the first time your child says that he does not want to go back whereas your partner may say: “Absolutely not. He signed up for this. He is sticking with it”. Who is right? You both are. You both want what is best for your child but what is best looks different to each of you. Try to reach an agreement keeping this in mind. Maybe you can reach a compromise: your child can quit swimming at the end of the term.
Final Words…
Letting your kid quit gymnastics, football, violin, or noodle-making seems like a vital parenting decision but I can assure you in 20 years’ time, you will both barely remember if she quit or not or what told her at the time. So, do whatever you think is best and do not worry too much about it.
I hope this is useful and good luck if you are in this situation!
Love,
Ana
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