Born or Made: What Really Shapes Our Children?
This is the question researchers have been trying to understand for the last few decades. And it is not a simple one to answer. Is it genes or the environment? How much do genes influence us? What traits are influenced by genetics? How much does the environment influence us? In what ways? To what extent?
Born or Made?
The field of psychology appeared as a science in the early 20th century, with the view that we are what we learn. Ever since then, psychologists and the public assumed that the environment was the major influence shaping us. This is, that our parents, neighbourhood, extended family, school, and friends shape who we become. Of all these factors, parents were considered the most influential one. It seems pretty logic that the people who raise us, will have the largest input in shaping us, right? But if this premise was correct, siblings living in the same house, with the same parents, attending the same school, and sharing the same extended family should be very similar in their personality and outcomes. But if you have siblings or a couple of children, you will know that siblings are not alike. They do have similarities, but they are also very different in personality and in outcomes. This means that the assumption that our environment is the main influence in human development does not work.
So, if not the environment, what then? Genes. Psychologists turned to examine how genetics shape who we are. Researchers designed twin and adoption studies to tease apart the effect of nurture (environment) and nature (genes). Let me tell you how these two methods work because they are fascinating.
Twin and Adoption Studies
Twin studies work by comparing identical (or monozygotic) twins with fraternal (or dizygotic) twins across several variables: personality, intelligence, academic achievement, cognitive skills, social skills…. Why are twins interesting? Because identical twins share 100% of their genes whereas fraternal twins only share 50% of their genes. The premise of twin studies is that any difference between identical and fraternal twins must be down to genetics because twins have lived in (more or less) the same environment. What do twin studies find? They generally find that identical twins are more like each other than fraternal twins are. This suggests that genes matter more than the environment.
Interestingly, this happens even in cases where identical twins have been raised apart. As you can imagine finding twins that have been raised apart is not that common, but around a couple hundred pairs have been examined. What do these studies find? That twins that have never lived together are more similar to each other than they are to the siblings they have lived with, whether they are biologically related to them or not. This suggests that genes and not the environment that drive the similarities.
Adoption studies work by comparing whether adopted children are more similar across the same variables: personality, intelligence, academic achievement, cognitive skills, social skills…to their adoptive parents (with whom they share the environment) than to their biological parents (with whom they have never shared the environment but share 50% of their genes). What do adoption studies find? They suggest that adopted children tend to be more like their biological parents than to their adoptive parents. This shows that the environment is not as relevant as we think it is.
Should We Conclude that It Is All About the Genes?
No. Both genes and the environment shape us to become who we are. The latest psychological research suggests that all psychological traits are heritable to different degrees. For example, it is estimated that intelligence is around a 50% heritable, autism 70%, and reading disability 60%.
It is very important to understand how genes work. Genes are not set in stone. They do not provide the final word. Instead, they work in probabilistic ways. We may carry certain genes, but it does not mean that they will all express themselves. It takes a certain environment for them to be expressed. This is why although identical twins have the exact same genes, they are not completely identical in their personalities or outcomes. And they are not identical because their genes are expressed in different ways depending on their experiences, environments… Genetics are not everything, but they explain a great deal of why and how we differ.
Our environment is not something that just happens to be there. To a large degree, we build our environment based on our genetic predispositions. For example, if you have a very sporty or musical kid, he will pester you to take him to sports or musical activities. Or if you have a very introverted child, he may ask you not to attend birthday parties. We shape our environment largely based on our genetic predispositions.
Does This Mean that Parents Do Not Matter?
No. Parents matter and they matter a lot, but not in the way we usually think. Parents matter because we create the environment where our children develop. And they matter because parenting should be about creating a strong, loving relationship with our child. After all, the parent-child relationship is one of the most important we will ever have.
The reality is that as parents, we have much less control that we like to think we do. As Dr Russel Barkley says in his great talk, we can relax and enjoy our kids. We cannot shape our kids to be what we want them to be. No matter how hard we try. We are not carpenters that can shape our children to become whatever we want them to become. Instead, we can be gardeners and provide them with fertile soil for them to grow and develop into whatever they will become.
Children will reach their full genetic potential provided they are well nourished, loved and well taken care off. Children need stimulation, but the idea that the more we stimulate them, the more intelligent and able they will become is wrong. There is a threshold. So, we can stop signing babies up to early stimulation programs and playing them opera while we are pregnant, hoping they will become geniuses. Those sorts of things do not work. Stimulate your child, of course, but knowing what he can and cannot do at each developmental stage and knowing that you will not make him become Steve Jobs 2.0. As parents, we do not have the power to do it.
There is a lot of talk about parenting styles. There is some merit to it, and it is fantastic that we are conscious about the type of parent we want to be, and moreover, the type of relationship we want to have with our children but we must keep in mind that most of the time, we are just responding to our children. This is, children are born with a temperament which is mostly down to genetics. Some children are very difficult (fussy, irritable, cry a lot) while others are easy (smiley, tranquil, sleep well, feed well). It is obviously much easier to be the parent of an easy child than of difficult child. The way we parent those two children will be different, and not because we are consciously choosing to do so but because we are reacting to their genetics.
Should We Ditch Parenting Advice?
I do not think so. We should most definitely ditch any ‘experts’ promising that if you do this or that, your child’s IQ will increase 20 points, will become a mathematical genius, or a sports prodigy. Any expert that promises to deliver developmental outcomes, you can happily ignore. But parenting advice is useful to help us manage tricky issues like challenging behaviours, discipline, or sleep.
Final words…
A large part about who we become is down to genetics. This does not mean that there is nothing we can do to support our children. Genetics and the environment interact with one another, so the best thing we can do for our children is to create a safe, loving environment with clear boundaries. And always remember that parenting is not a means to an end. It is about having a good relationship with our child. Our goal should be to be with them and not to change them. Isn’t that a liberating message?
If you find this topic interesting, you may also enjoy these articles:
The Importance of Parenting: How Much Do Parents Really Matter?
Parenting Advice: Advice for New Parents
References
Plomin, R. (2018). Blueprint. How DNA Makes Us Who We Are. United Kingdom: Allen Lane.
Segal, N. (2021). Deliberately Divided. Inside the Controversial Study of Twins and Triplets Adopted Apart. Un
