What Do I Do to Have my Partner Help Me More?

“What do I do to have my partner help me more? My husband wouldn’t even watch the baby for a night while I visit my sick mother an hour away” 

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Having a baby is tough and the fact that you are not feeling supported by your husband, makes it even harder and very lonely. I hear you.  

It is very important that you talk to your husband about it to make him understand how you feel. Ideally, you want to have a constructive conversation with him and not to end up fighting. So, tell him ‘nicely’ how you feel. Do not accuse or blame him. Make him see the issue from your point of view and tell him that you feel hurt and not supported.  

It is important that you work on the emotions you are feeling. It is absolutely fine for you to feel angry, upset, disappointed and everything in between. Acknowledge whatever you are feeling, so you avoid feeling resentful towards your husband. When resentment gets in a relationship, it can destroy it.  

Process your feelings, but this does not mean letting him off the hook. If you cannot work on this on your own, couples therapy would work well for you both. If he does not want to do it, you can do it on your own. Do get in touch with me if you would like to explore this.  

In therapy, you could work to achieve a fair division of labour in your marriage. In most heterosexual couples, it is still the woman who does most of the childcaring and the housework. This is the case even in couples where both members work outside the home and even when the woman makes more money than the man. This lack of equality is dangerous because it brings unhappiness to women, and when this happens, the marriage is likely to struggle. When the couple shares the load, the family does better.   

You may also find these articles useful: 

I Feel Like a Mom Slave: What Do I Do? 

What Is a Fair Division of Labour in a Marriage? 

I wish you all the very best.  

Love, 

Ana  

Dr Ana Aznar