“How should I go about cutting ties with a toxic daughter? She’s 30 and horrible to me—I really need to prioritize my mental health and don’t want to let myself get hurt even more.”
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your message makes me very sad.
This type of problems usually appears because there are not clear boundaries between you and your daughter. I strongly recommend you seek the support of a therapist. The therapist will help you define what your boundaries are, communicate them to your daughter, and be prepared to enforce consequences if your boundaries are crossed. He will also give you the tools to manage your emotions and thoughts.
The reason why I think it is so important that you work with a therapist is that your situation is rare. A recent survey by charity Stand Alone shows that only 5% of estranged parents had initiated it themselves. It is so rare, partly because our society expects parents to unconditionally love their children and to accept any kind of treatment, So, because the situation you are facing is rare, it can make it especially isolating, which is not good for your mental health. You need a space to discuss your situation that is compassionate and non-judgemental.
Parents usually cut off relationships with their children for the same reasons that children cut off their parents: family conflict, differences in personal values, substance abuse, and other difficult behaviours. Research conducted by Stand Alone shows that with daughters, the most common reasons for cutting ties are mental health problems and emotional abuses, whereas divorce and in-laws are the most common reasons in the case of boys.
Estrangement is not always permanent. Mothers and daughters especially, are more likely to go through phases of estrangement and reunification. Also, consider that if you cut ties with your daughter, there will be moments, such as the holidays and birthdays, when you will most likely find it tougher.
I would be very happy to help you find a therapist. Just get in touch with me.
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
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