“As someone who grew up with “spare the rod and spoil the child”, is there any advantages of authoritarian parenting as a style? Thank you!”
The ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’ approach you mentioning is an authoritarian parenting style. Authoritarian parents are cold and demanding. Parents expect their children to do as they are told. Good behavior is always expected. Rules are strict, non-negotiable, and not clearly explained. They do not encourage intimacy nor trust. Children’s opinions and desires are not considered. When authoritarian parents discipline their children, they don’t explain to their child why their behaviour was wrong. They use punishments and may get physical. They tend to be harsh and coercive. Parents may tell their children that they won’t love then anymore if they misbehave.
Children whose parents are authoritarian are more likely to have: mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, low self-esteem, poor social skills, behavioural problems, do poorly at school, and be hostile and rebellious towards their parents.
Authoritarian parenting is not the best for our children, instead we should all try to be authoritative as much as we can. Authoritative parents are loving, caring, and warm. They encourage trust and intimacy. They set high expectations and clear rules. Children understand those rules and what the consequences are when they break them. Parents take into consideration their children’s opinions and feelings. Children feel safe and secure because their parents are consistent and establish clear routines. Children of authoritative parents are the ones who tend to do best. These children tend to be well adjusted, have good social skills, do well in school, and have high self-esteem.
However, keep in mind that being an authoritative parent will not mean that your child will turn out fine. Sadly, it is much more complex than that and here are the reasons:
1. Parenting styles explain children’s outcomes to some extent, but they are not the only factor explaining how children turn out.
2. If you have noticed, I have said that “children tend to…”. Why? Because even though research shows that authoritative parents tend to have children who do better, we cannot 100% say that all children whose parents are authoritative do well. It is not that simple. Some children with authoritative parents don’t do well at all, and some children with neglectful parents, do very well despite of their upbringing.
3. Parenting styles are not separate containers where parents ‘fall in”. We should think about parenting styles as a continuum. For example, you can be mostly authoritative with a touch of permissiveness.
4. At different stages and circumstances of your life, your parenting style may change. For example, when parents go through stressful situations, they tend to become more authoritarian, their parenting turns harsher.
5. If you have more than one child, it may be that you have a different parenting style with each one of them. Why? Because parents influence their children, but children also influence their parents. Different children provoke different reactions in you and that will influence your parenting.
So, try to be authoritative as often as possible because we know that it is best for our children. But also remember that you won’t always get it right and it is OK. Your child does not need a perfect mother.
Here are some articles on parenting styles you may find helpful:
Parenting Styles: What Are They and Why Do They Matter?
Permissive Parenting Style: Characteristics and Effects
Authoritarian Parenting: What’s It About?
What Is Helicopter Parenting? Characteristics and Consequences
I wish you all the very best.
Love,
Ana
