“What would you recommend for consequences at home for bad behavior at school? He’s 12 and has been yelling, swearing, and refusing to follow rules, but our talks with him don’t seem to be doing anything”
I understand your despair. It is really frustrating when nothing you do works to change your child’s behaviour. I would first talk with his teachers to get a full picture of what is going on at school: is the bad behaviour happening across all lessons with all teachers? Is he behaving this way every day or on certain days? How is his general mood? Does he have friends? Are his grades slipping? Try to get full picture of his life at school and not only of the moments when he behaves badly. It is very important that you work as a team with the school.
Have a chat with him, not about his behaviour specifically, but about his life: How is he doing generally? Does he have friends? Does he feel well integrated at school? Is he happy at home? Does he have any worries?
Change the dynamic: It may be that you have fallen into a very negative cycle. He is behaving badly, nothing you tell him works, you are angry, he is angry, and you are not spending time together or enjoying being together. You need to change the dynamic: give him the chance to start over every single day. Every day is a new day for him to do well. And remember to praise him. Very often, we ignore when our children behave well, and we only focus on their bad behaviours. Whenever he does well, praise him.
Now let’s tackle his behaviours. From what you say there are a few things he needs to change: yelling, swearing, and not following the rules. So, instead of saying “you need to behave well”, let’s break it down to make it more manageable for him: 1) you cannot yell 2) you cannot swear, and 3) you must follow the rules. And then you tie each behaviour to a reward. I don’t know what your child likes but it could be something like: “You will have screen time every day you do not shout at school”; or “Every day that you don’t swear, we will make pancakes for breakfast” and so on. Then ask the teacher to send you a short report on those three behaviours every day.
You may find these articles useful:
I Need Psychologist- Approved Ways to Discipline a Child Without Physical Harm
How to Discipline Your Child: An Age-by-Age Guide
I wish you both all the best of luck. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss it further.
Love,
Ana
