My Preschooler Is Out of Control

“My preschooler is out of control. he is 3.5 years old and won’t stop fighting with his older brother (5 years old) including punching, hitting, and kicking without provocation that I can see. It’s also started to become public meltdowns where he’ll lose his mind over nothing and I have to peel him off of the pavement and dodge his little fists as he screams so hard he stops breathing right. He’salways been so sweet, but not anymore. What on earth can I do? The doc says there’s nothing actually physically wrong and now my other kids and pets are starting to give him a wide bearth, I just feel like I’m failing.” 

I would like to start thinking about you first: You are not failing. When our child shows difficult behaviours, it is easy to think that we are failing as parents but that is not it. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have. Try to let go of your guilt. As parents we all go through challenging periods.  

Now let’s think about your child: 

• You mention he is displaying this challenging behaviour at home. What about nursery or preschool? Is he displaying similar behaviour? Talk to his teacher to find out if you have not done so.  

• Has something happened in his life? Have you gone through a divorce, have you moved homes, or had a new baby? 

• If your child is behaving this way at home and at nursery, it could suggest that he is having trouble regulating his emotions. This is something very common for children his age.  

• Whenever he hits his older brother gently tell him: “No, you cannot hit/scream/bite”. Tell him every time he behaves that way.  

• Whenever he throws a tantrum wait for it to pass. Do not give in to whatever it is he wants because if you reinforce his behaviour, he will do it again. I know it can be incredibly difficult to watch your child scream and kick but it the best thing to do. Stay close, make sure he is safe, and wait it out. It is useless trying to reason with him once the tantrum has started because he cannot reason.  

• Keep these strategies and be consistent. Consistency is key.  

• It is likely that as your toddler gets better at speaking, he will no longer have the need to behave aggressively. Sometimes, toddlers behave aggressively because they get frustrated when they cannot convey their feelings and thoughts to us.   

• Praise him. Children like to please their parents, so whenever he does something good, praise him and smile at him: “Look how well you have shared with your brother”; “You have helped me so much today”.  

• Establish a consistent routine so your child knows when it is time to go to bed, have a bath, eat, and play. Children need clear boundaries and routines because it brings them security and stability.  

• Finally, always remember your child is not bad or aggressive. It is only that sometimes he behaves aggressively.  

I hope these strategies work. Do get in touch with me if you want to discuss if further.  

I wish you all the very best.  

Ana 

Dr Ana Aznar 

Related articles: 

My 3 Year Old Is Out of Control 

When Do Child Tantrums Stop? 

Why Is my 3 Year-Old So Aggressive?